What started out as a feel good story about a firefighter rescuing an Argentine mastiff from an icy lake ended with the news anchor getting messed up in the lips. Kyle Dyer of Denver 9 News was almost done interviewing the dog's owner and the firefighter when she got closer to Gladiator Maximus (I can't with that name) and the ho bit her ass hard. Paramedics were called and Kyle had to be taken to the hospital where she underwent reconstructive surgery for injuries on her lips. Kyle's co-anchor said that it could take a few weeks for her to fully recover and she won't be back on the air for a while.

The day before, Max fell into a cold ass lake while trying to catch a coyote. The news covered his rescue and Max sort of became a local star for the day. So Denver 9 News brought Max, his owner Michael Robinson and firefighter Tyler Sugaski into the station to talk about it. Max and Kyle seemed like they were bonding on a real level at first. Kyle pet Max and he didn't look like he wanted her lips in his stomach as he gazed into her face. But when Kyle got a little closer, Max lunged at her.

Animal Control was also called to the station and they took Max to doggy jail. Max has been quarantined for 10 days to make sure he doesn't have rabies. A rep for the Denver Environmental Health department told the NYDN that once those 10 days are up, a judge will decide what happens to Max. Max's owner was also hit with three citations for not having his dog on a leash, allowing his dog to bite and not updating his dog's rabies vaccination.

On one hand, Kyle has probably seen too many Disney movies and thinks that dogs just love it when a stranger tries to kiss on their face without an invitation. (Obviously, Kyle should sue Disney for this.) Kyle thought she was going to have a precious "Lady and the Tramp" moment with Max and he gave her a Cujo moment instead. On the other hand, Max's owner needs to be sentenced to three months in Cesar Millan's Academy of Dumb Fuck Owners for obvious reasons.

And I think Max being stressed the hell out has a lot to do with the fact that his owner named him Gladiator Maximus.

If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."

LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.

When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.

It took his whole fortune to achieve and forty years of trying, but finally Beiber was able to butch up his image. - Datura

Runners-up:

Dog the bounty hunter's seldom seen son, Pups, the pussy hunter - Eileenie McMeanie

When Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison invite another porn iguana into their bedroom, they like to send her home with a commemorative portrait. - skabazzle

Sure, Derek got charged extra at Glamour Shots in the mall, but as far as he was concerned, the greek tragedy set surcharge (and the escorts on clearance he rented) were worth every fuckin' penny. - Aphid

via Break.com

This counterfeit Giants fan who exposed herself with one loud SAAAAANCHEEEEEZ. Today, this fake ass Giants fan is me, because if I was surrounded by a bunch of morning time drunks, was on my way to becoming drunk too, had my friend's coochie on my neck and a reporter asked me which Giants player I wanted to see, I'd probably randomly shout out the same thing. You're probably assuming that she means Sanchez, as in Mark Sanchez of the Jets, but I think she's really talking about a Dirty Sanchez. The cocktail, you sucios. Although, she could be talking about the other one too, because the only reason to go to that parade is to get some booze and peen.

via Buzzfeed

Charlie Day (36)
David Gallagher (27)
Tom Hiddleston (31)
Ziyi Zhang (33)
A.J. Buckley (35)
Amber Valletta (38)
Colin Egglesfield (39)
Travis Tritt (49)
Holly Johnson of Frankie Goes to Hollywood (52)
Jim J. Bullock (57)
Charles Shaughnessy (57)
Ciaran Hinds (59)
Judith Light (63)
Mia Farrow (67)
Alice Walker (68)
Joe Pesci (69)
Carole King (70)

But before we get into Kunty Karl's sorry excuse for a sorry, let's all read his original comment so we're all clear. Metro, where Karl was guest editor that day, asked him what he thinks about Lana Del Rey. This is what Metro published:

"I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."

Karl pretty much called Adele a butterbody and everybody read it that way. But after everybody threw shit balls at Karl over that comment, he suddenly grew a heart even though we all know his maker ripped out of his heart in an alley way in Transylvania a thousand years ago.

Karl has returned to the scene of the crime, Metro, and said that his comment was taken out of context:

“I’d like to say to Adele that I am your biggest admirer. Sometimes when you take a sentence out of the article it changes the meaning of the thought. What I said was in relation to Lana Del Rey and the sentence has since been taken out of context from how it was originally published. I actually prefer Adele, she is my favorite singer and I am a great admirer of her. I lost over 30 kilos over 10 years ago and have kept it off. I know how it feels when the press is mean to you in regards to your appearance. Adele is a beautiful girl. She is the best. And I can’t wait for her next CD.”

Ghoul, please. Put it into context or take it out of context, it means the same thing. I know Kunty Karl has 500+ years on all of us (not counting those years during World War II where his cryogenically frozen body was kept in an underground tomb in Austria somewhere), but he needs to stop acting like we were born yesterday. Even newborns who were born yesterday know that his apology is made of shit. I don't even know why Karl cares in the first place. Since when does the Dark Lord of the Undead respond to human emotions? If Kunty Karl is going to start caring about human feelings, then there's really no hope for cuntkind. I'll have to start calling him Karing Karl. The end of days, indeed.

As a pimp, mother and professor of fame whoring 101, Pimp Mama Kris never felt as proud as when one of her youngest, Kylie Jenner, Tweeted this picture of Khloe Kardashian's massive Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade head floating next to the dude who some tabloids say could be her biological father.

That Michael McDonald meets Tummi Bear motherfucker is Alex Rodan and he's been Kris Jenner's hairstylist for over 30 years. That explains why he has that "I've seen the crown of Lucifer" look in his eye. Some think that one night many years ago, Alex rose on his haunches, mounted Pimp Mama Kris and howled into the night sky as they made Khloe. They've all denied it. But that didn't stop Kylie Jenner from pulling a stunt for show. Kylie Tweeted this weird-looking picture from a Kardashian family photo shoot today and then she quickly said she it was a joke.

Alex does have the same Berenstain Bears look that Khloe has, but if he was her real father the Kuntrashians wouldn't announce it in a stupid Tweet. They'd announce it in a 20-page spread for All Bear Magazine, a 4-hour E! paternity test event sponsored by Alpo and an interview with People Pets.

George Michael is alive, well and sunning his hair yarmulke with his hairy piece in the Maldives - Towleroad

When Eva Mendes gets back from humping on Ryan Gosling in Thailand, she better give your nana her "sweeping the porch on a Thursday morning" pajama pants back - Lainey Gossip

And Colin Hanks still does nothing to awaken my dead no-no - The Berry

Miley Cyrus is really committed to looking like lot lizard who just got dumped by her pimp for using all her ho money to buy chewing tobacco - The Superficial

You won't believe this, but lingerie model Miranda Kerr is modeling lingerie again - Hollywood Tuna

Somehow the image of Charlize Theron and Chelsea Handler taking turns doing shots off of Chuy's tits is just what my Wednesday afternoon needed - Celebitchy

If I squint my eyes and push my head deeper into the gutter, Alessandra Ambrosio's belly looks like a giant tit with a sausage head nipple - Popoholic

They tell me this is for 30 Rock, but Jim Carrey usually acts like this in real life - Just Jared

The Bourne Legacy trailer starring Donna Murphy from Murder One!!!!! - ICYDK

Is Amber Heard trying to bring one of Courtney Stodden's Tweets to life in this picture? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Never 4Get: Anna Nicole Smith (and Sugar Pie.....and Cousin Shelly) - Cityrag

Kanye West looking like a mourner at Tom of Finland's funeral - Crunk + Disorderly

What is the green equivalent of blue balls? Does that mean he has gangrene of the nutsack? - SOW

I don't know if that's water, oil, kitchen grease or thick slobber from Falcor Rimes' mouth - I'm Not Obsessed

Does the Internet Troll Hunter take requests, because there's a few trolls I'd like him to visit - The Daily What

Kristin Davis' daughter must have just watched the first five minutes of SATC2 - Popsugar

Fuck those anti-gayers, it's their loss since JcPenney has the most GLAMOROUS salon ever - Videogum

I don't watch Vampire Diaries, because there's only so many vampire shows I need in my life and True Blood automatically wins out since it has a whole lot of ASkars nalgas, Joe Man Jello nipples and tang from Lafayette in it. But what I do need more in my life is almost naked pieces on the cover of magazines and Entertainment Weekly gave me that this week with an issue completely devoted to a shirtless Paul Wesley, a shirtless Ian Somerhalder....and that girl in the middle.

You can almost fap to the sexual tension on this cover. Just look at that Paul Wesley, staring deep into Ian Somerhalder's adam's apple like he wants to suck the core out of it. I see how Paul's hand has temporarily made a stop on Nina Dobrev's stomach before eventually making its way to Somerhalderville. I see how Ian is touching Nina's face only so his elbow can hover near Paul's fingers and feel the heat. (Yes, I write a lot of low-grade soft core in my spare time.) Nina needs to quietly slip out, tip toe to the kitchen and make us all popcorn so we can lounge on the bench in front of the bed and enjoy the show.

ONTD user enael read everybody's minds and really made this cover (and fuck parts) pucker into tomorrow:

Now this shit is officially gold certified fap-worthy. I'd print it out, frame it with the gayed up True Blood Rolling Stone cover and hang both of them in front of my toilet, but fapping while making a caca is even too gross for me.

The rest of the pictures in EW are kind of hilarious. That Paul dude is Zoolandering for his life and most of these look like publicity stills a Straight Guys for Gay Eyes porn.

Jesus be a Debbie Harry! Wearing a Dollar Tree mop head (or maybe that's the hide of a komondor puppy), Debbie Harry dropped her shit and scattered glittery shards of YES! at WIP Underground in NYC last night. With the help of DJ Miss Guy, Debbie brought everybody to church and my abuelita would be proud, because despite the fact that the Pope thinks my gay soul will eventually liquify into Satan's lube, I think I'm a born again Catholic now. T-shirts always tell the truth so that means Debbie's face will be immortalized in stained glass in every Catholic church and believers will start to see her face in toast. Sign me up! The father, the Debbie and the holy ghost....