He'll Never Be Khia

Radar Magazine announced yesterday that robodouche, Spencer Pratt, will write an advice column for them called "Yo Spencer!" The column will debut in the magazine's April issue. Radar's editor told the AP, "Spencer is never afraid to speak his mind. When asking for advice, it's good to have someone who will be brutally honest with you, and tell it like it is."

Oh hells no. There can only be one Z-list celebrity advice column and that's Khia's for Hood Magazine. Is Spencer going to come up with genius phrases like "something in the milk ain't clean" and "panty pudding." I fucking doubt it.

I want to help Spencer out for his debut column, so I'm going to submit this letter:

Dear Spencie,

I have a major dilemma on my hands. I've been thinking about this for a long ass time. I really want to take a piece of wood, dip the end in glue and roll it in nails. After the nails have dried onto the wood, I want to hide in your bushes and then beat the douche out of you when you least expect it. The problem is that I'm way too delicate for the clink. So Spencie, how the hell can I beat you senseless without being arrested and going to jail? I know you can help me with this problem. I have faith in you.

Yours Truly,
Michael K