I interrupt our regularly scheduled celebrity fuckery to bring you this video of a girl giving you directions to her house in just 23,678 simple steps. This girl must be related to my cousins in some way, because this is exactly how they give me directions to the nearest Kmart. "Go that way down the street, make a right at the Taco Bell, go down, make a left at the second Starbucks, go up, go up, go up, make a left at the Michelle's Donuts that used to be a Winchell's Donuts, go down, keep going, keep going, keep going, then make a u-turn between the closed down Shakey's and the Del Taco, and turn right into Albertson's parking lot. Kmart's on your left. There."

They tell it with their arms too, like this girl. This is why GPS systems will never be relevant.

I just wish that this girl also told us where all the bars, Chinese massage parlors and churches are along the way, because I'm going to need a DRANK, a foot rub and a pep talk from God to get me through that journey.

via Arbroath

I can fault Lindsay Lohan for going out in public looking like a deep fried tonsil stone dragged through a wig cemetery, but I cannot fault this bitch's hustlin' game. If there's one thing Blohan's good at, besides reminding all of us what Meryl Streep looked like at the end of Death Becomes Her, it's trying to get shit for free. At the amfAR Gala in NYC on Wednesday night, LiLo, seen above after getting a whiff of her career's remains, slid next to a Canadian millionaire and used her cokey charm to try to get him to buy her a piece of joorees. Who needs shame and dignity when you've got a bag of 8-balls you bought after pawning a diamond watch some Canadian millionaire bought you at charity auction?

One of Page Six's sources claims that at the amfAR event, LiLo told everyone that she was there because she's playing Elizabeth Taylor in that Lifetime movie and the charity was close to La Liz's heart. But LiLo was really there to grift a bitch. The source says that right before the charity auction started, LiLo tried to sweeten up a Canadian financier type. Then when bidding started, LiLo's assistant came over and told the millionaire that LiLo wanted him to buy her a Hublot diamond watch. When LiLo's assistant says "Hublot," a Canadian millionaire says "No, YuBlo me." The millionaire laughed at LiLo's assistant and the watch sent to somebody else.

As expected, LiLo's rep says none of this happened.

Don't you sometimes wish that delusion powered your brain the same way it powers LiLo's? In LiLo's head, she's a gorgeous charming movie star who has such a charitable heart that she will accept an expensive gift from a Canadian millionaire. It's his pleasure to do so and the happiness he will feel from seeing his gift wrapped around her delicate wrist is priceless. That's what LiLo sees. But everybody else sees a sad crack ho begging for a cigarette outside of a White Castle at 6 in the morning. I know, I think I brought us all down with that Norma Desmond-ish image. But we should all be so lucky as to not give a fuck the same way LiLo doesn't give a fuck.

"Hurblurrblurrrherr."

"Lerrblurrblurrhurr!" - Gigaboob

Runners-up:

*buh beep*buh beep*buh beep*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

"...we just lost Sly & Arnold's careers." - Provolone

Busy day at PECS (Penile Enlargement Clinic for Steroid Abuse). Arnold is hoping for at least 2 additional inches. - burpfartsneeze

In this scene from the latest Human Centipede sequel, Arnold and Sly fight over who gets to have their lips sewn to Bruce Willis' asshole. - MrsRedFox

via Whosay (Thanks Melissa)

Jack in the Box's Bacon Shake! Your search to find the perfect cup of blended romance to end your Valentine's Day after proposing to your piece with a Pizza Hut ruby ring on a Pizza Hut breadstick (from Pizza Hut's $10,000 engagement package) has ended. Jack in the Crack's bacon milkshake isn't on their menu, so you'll have to say it loudly to the cashier, but it's worth it solely for the "you're a gross piece of shit" eyes of judgement you'll get from the other customers who are about to order a delicious patty of creamed rat meat shoved between two corn syrup buns.

The Bacon Shake is made with vanilla ice cream, bacon flavored syrup, whipped cream and its topped with a cherry. It's ONLY 773 calories and 75 grams of sugar per 160z serving! Yes, that number made LeAnn Rimes' metabolism kill itself and I think I have love handles on my eyeballs just from reading that shit, but it's worth it. SFist reviewed this mess and they say it basically tastes like sweetened pig vomit. That makes me want this in my mouth even more. (If you only knew how many times a day I say that sentence out loud.)

It's bad enough that NYC doesn't have an In-N-Out, but we don't have a Jack in the Crack either. NYC is a magical gutter land where I can get a dry handjob from a crackhead while walking to the corner deli to buy seafood lo mein at 4am, but I can't get a delicious Bacon Shake from Jack in the Crack here. Oh, well. Until I get to California, I guess I'll just have to settle for a cup of sweetened pig vomit. They definitely have that at my corner deli. It's not on the menu, but if I ask for it at the counter, they'll get me a bottle of some from the back.

(For Jackie & Stacy)

Laura Dern (45)
Chloë Moretz (15)
Makenzie Vega (18)
Emma Roberts (21)
Holly Willoughby (32)
Elizabeth Banks (38)
Glenn Beck (48)
Alexander Payne (51)
George Stephanopoulos (51)
Jim Cramer (57)
Mark Spitz (62)
Michael Apted (71)
Roberta Flack (75)
Robert Wagner (82)
Leontyne Price (85)

When we last heard of the Brazilian blossom Sheyla Hershey, she was lying on her death bed after she tried to kill herself because she was forced to downsize her 38M titties and she didn't want to live in a world where she didn't have two globes of pure silicone suffocating her lungs (aka asTITSiation). It was a true titty tragedy (aka a tragititty). Well, those same plastic chest planets that almost put her in the grave, kept her out of the grave this past weekend. This is the information the Surgeon General needs to order that a "FAKE TITS SAVES LIVES!" label must go on every bag of chichi gel.

Sheyla tells The Mirror that after she got boozed up at a Super Bowl in Houston, TX, she sort of kind of smashed into a tree while driving home. Sheyla wasn't wearing a seat belt, so the sheer force of hitting a tree should've sent her flying through the windshield to her death. But thankfully, Sheyla has a pair of 38KKK built-in airbags that saved her life. Sheyla denies that she was drunk, but she was still arrested and will have to answer to the DUI charge in court next month.

It makes my nipple slits smile knowing that Sheyla has fully recovered from her suicide attempt and has realized that the world needs beauties like her to keep spinning and she will continue to stretch out baby blue cotton jumpsuits (Really, the fuck is she wearing?) with her enormous tits. But then it makes my nipples slits frown knowing that the Houston Police Department put this beauty behind bars for even a quick minute. That is an injustice! Sheyla is a precious gift and if she left this world, the silicone industry would go bankrupt and fake tits would become extinct. It would be a sad world. And Sheyla's hippo ass tits stopped this from happening. So she should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, not arrested! We need a petition for this shit.

And I also need to see Sheyla reenact this crash on The Insider. But only because I need to know how she's able to drive with those quadruple stuffed chest balls in the way. Did she remove her driver seat and just drives from the backseat using two cat grabbers? Does she drive with her tits and uses her hands to reapply her exquisite eyebrows? I bet it's the latter. There's really NOTHING Sheyla's life-saving tits can't do.

Obviously, Dexter's ginger beard of fiery dreams has brought him and his ex-wife back together again. No woman can resist a ginge who looks like a hipster leprechaun lumberjack. - Lainey Gossip

The Steve-O of Norway is just winking at Darwin now - Towleroad

Amber Rose looks like she's smuggling three litters of pugs in her leggings - Hollywood Tuna

FYI: Miranda Kerr's baby weighs more than she does - The Superficial

Jodie Marsh was robbed of a role she was born to play! - Celebitchy

Four words I was not expecting to read today: Nia Long Camel Toe - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

If only they made lights that could perk up Simon Cowell's depressed titties too - The Berry

I see that Vanessa Hudgens gets her fashion inspiration from Courtney Stodden's elegant armlet - Popoholic

Sarah Jessica Parker takes a night off from scaring the children by covering her cronie hands - Popsugar

I'm more disappointed that Russell Brand didn't sign his name with a smiley peen - ICYDK

R.I.P. House - Just Jared

The Liposuction of Venus - OMG Blog

In possibly related news, Jersey City has announced it will start putting Valtrex and antibiotics in the water - I'm Not Obsessed

KD Lang is looking AWFUL - SOW

True love served 12 different ways - Cityrag

Rose McGowan's face is slowly slipping off of her head - Moe Jackson

Prince, come and get your squirrel - The Daily What

Quick Correction: When I think of dry coochie, I think of Bruce Jenner's dried-up labia face. But the makers of Zestra, a sex sauce for ladies with cottonmouth of the 'gina, think of Pimp Mama Kris and so they asked her to be the spokeswhore for their pussy lube. This is a genius move on Zestra's part since when you look at Kris Jenner's face, all the moisture evaporates from your wet parts and you need a bottle of lube more than ever. Try it. Stare at Kris' face and then try to tell me I'm lying after you look down into your panties to find a tumbleweed and a patch of dried tears.

Here's a piece from Pimp Mama Kris' introduction letter on Zestra's site:

You can’t always plan a romantic dinner or wait for a vacation to have amazing sex, so you have to take advantage of those moments of mutual intimacy. And that’s what I love about Zestra…it works in minutes and is easy-to-use. For me, it’s instant gratification. In a busy, complicated, hectic life, you can still fit in the time for sex, and you know it’s going to be enjoyable.

Zestra is a safe, natural blend of botanical oils. And it’s clinically proven to enhance sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction in 70% of women. This includes women of all ages and life stages, as well as women on certain types of medication who experience sexual difficulties. That’s important to me. So whether you are 30 or 50, on antidepressants or just stressed from everyday life, Zestra can work for you.

Now, if you are reading this and thinking, “Okay Kris. Busy I can handle. Being over 50 (and fabulous!) I can handle. But what do I do if I’m bored to tears with my relationship?” Well, I’m going to give you the same answer. Try Zestra.

Kris doesn't mention this in her letter, but she also smears Zestra on Bruce's Cassandra face when he needs to make an expression.

Doesn't Zestra sort of sound like that gross shit Olestra? You know that crap they put in chips that gave everyone the butt vomits? I bet that when Olestra flopped, the makers repackaged it as lube and are now calling Zestra! It figures that a Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed lube will give you a wet pussy and a wet ass at the same time.

In today's NSFW crossover episode between Memaw Is Not The One and Tales From Public Transportation, my new role model lays into some young trick on a SEPTA bus in Philadelphia and if I had to use one word to describe this it would be: MAGIC!

This memaw doesn't need to pull a switch out of her bag when she can verbally hit a ho with gems like "I'm not a stupid bitch like you!" and "You see this fist?" Leave it to the older and wiser generation to teach us that you don't need to punch your enemy to prove a point, you just need to call them a stupid bitch over and over again. Whenever I'm feeling low, I'll pick myself up again by thinking about how somewhere in Philadelphia this granny is serving some STANK on a young trick who just doesn't know.

Now, where can I get all the paperwork I need to legally adopt this poetic granny as my standby abuelita?

Source: BroBible via Gawker

UPDATE: I had to pull the pic down, but click here to see it and more.

In the battle to see which childhood star can look the meth-iest, Lindsay Lohan is still winning by a thousand meth faces, but Macauley Culkin is a close second. Entertainment Tonight got a hold of a few pictures of 31-year-old Kevin McCallister in NYC yesterday looking like Steve Buscemi trying to shape shift into a crackhead Gary Busey. Macauley's rep must be White Oprah, because they tell ET that he's in perfectly good health and there's no reason to start a prayer circle for him. What part of this picture says "perfectly good health" to you? I'm blaming all of this on that can of Red Bull and that Spencer Pratt-ish flesh pube beard. Somebody please get Macauley a razor and a can of Ensure.

via Yahoo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)