For the third straight year in a row, Joey Chestnut won Nathan's Famous July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest today at Coney Island. Joey also set the new world record by swallowing 68 hot dogs (and their buns) in 10-minutes. Joey's arch rival, Takeru Kobayashi, was hoping to snatch back the crown, but he fell short with 64 dogs. Kobayashi, who is a six-time hot dog eating champion, came in second place. My personal favorite bitch, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, beat the female record with 41 dogs.

It's always hard for me to watch this shit without getting stomach seizures, because they make delicious hot dogs look like something Parasite Hilton's vag coughed up.

Somewhere in Australia, Tommy Girl is trying to beat Joey's record by gobbling up 69 juicy weenies and 69 soggy buns in 10-minutes. Tommy can do it!

Clip of Joey's road to victory below:

The police officers in Torrington, CT are a bunch of fun killers. 41-year-old Mindy Lomento was just trying to get her dick on when the police showed up to break up the fucking fuck fun. Yeah, Mindy was doing it in the woods where everyone could see, but what was a bitch supposed to do? By the looks of her meth face, you know she probably smoked up all her motel money, so she had no choice! Besides, Mother Nature created the woods just so nasty whores could do sex in there. The truth.

Mindy is a freak, because homegirl was caught with two dudes: 34-year-old Gregory WANKlin (the surprised piece in the red t-shirt below) and 24-year-old David Perry (the shirtless hunk below). The bitch who called 911 said they witnessed Mindy doing sex stuff with David Perry. When the cops showed up, they caught Gregory's dick in Mindy's coochie jar. They were all arrested for public indecency.

Even though the police are not right, I'm happy Mindy was arrested, because now the world has this beautiful mug shot. It's obvious why all the peens in the yard want to hit it. They just can't get enough of Mindy's orgasm face. And I have a feeling that Mindy's O face is the same as her OD face. Bitch is my kind.

A few months ago, Heather Mills bought a popular sea kitten restaurant in East Sussex, England and fired all the bitches. Heather queefed that she was going to turn the place into a vegan restaurant. Well, the time has come! Heather opened V-Bites yesterday and the only rotten kipper in the joint is Heather herself!

You know, the name "V-Bites" sounds short for vagina bites. This makes sense since Heather's cunt does have teeth. Speaking of cunts.....

Heather's hair is just two snips and a taser attack away from looking just like Kate Gosselin's electrocuted possum head. Cunty cunts think alike! The Cuntress of the US and The Cuntress of the UK should really join forces and declare world domination. Two cunts are always better than one.

And because this post doesn't have enough of the "cunt" word....CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT!

Kathy Griffin finally has her own wax figure at Madame Tussaud's in Las Vegas! It's the one on the left in case your eyeballs quit that bitch from trying to figure it out. It is kind of hard to tell since both of their faces are made from the same materials. Although, Kathy's wax figure's hair looks more natural. Seriously, Kathy's hair always looks like it came directly from The Raquel Welch wig factory.

Kathy's wax statue is kind of missing something important. It needs live entertainment and I know just the hot bitch for the job! Peep at the shiny-eyed crackie in the clip below at the 10:00 mark! If she isn't a star, I don't know who is! It won't break Madame Tussaud's bank either, because they won't need to pay her! Just blow a little crack smoke in her face, shine a bright spotlight on her and she's good to go!

File this under: Why are humans the dominant species on earth?!

If this story isn't a good reason to start drinking rubbing alcohol and vodka on a Saturday afternoon, then I don't know what is....

At a park in Cambridge, Maryland on Monday, a bitch named Candy Michelle Vignari, gave birth to a baby girl....in a Port-A-Potty. Get ready to launch "Awww...Hell Naw" from the tip of your tongue, because it gets much worse. After the baby was born, Candy put her inside the caca-filled toilet, went outside and asked a construction worker for a cigarette. And we have lift-off!

The construction workers knew something in the milk wasn't clean when they noticed Candy covered in blood and womb jelly. When one of the workers tried to go into the Port-A-Potty, Candy told them not to because there was a baby in there. The police were called.

One of the workers said, "Right as the cops had pulled up I had seen her go back into the port-a-potty real quick grabbed a towel at the time I didn't know what it was and then she comes over to the cops and the cops grabbed the baby."

Candy was arrested and charged with child abuse and reckless endangerment. The baby is currently in stable condition at a local hospital.

It's too bad that the baby didn't know what was about to go down, because she could've pulled out Candy's uterus as she was sliding out so this fuckery doesn't happen again! I mean, this was unnecessary! All Candy had to do was bring the baby out and scream, "BABEH 4 SALEZ." Both St. Angelina Jolie and Vadge would've magically appeared with their checkbooks in hand.

Source (Thanks Tanya)

The Bang Bang Lady and The Boom Boom Girl - Happy Fourth of July, hos! If you plan to celebrate by doing firework stuff today, I suggest you get in your car (or take the next Chinatown bus) to Phenix City, Alabama and ask for The Bang Bang Lady or The Boom Boom Girl to assist you with all your sparkly needs. Also, maybe you should let The Boom Boom Girl know that in certain circles her nickname means "prostitution whore." Actually, maybe that's what they are really selling over there! Buy 1 and get a finger bang bang and a bagina boom boom for free! It is the American way.

And if you are an American, it is your duty to watch all of their commercials. Actually, if you are a citizen of the world, it is your duty to watch this shit! That's Hawwwwwt!

Gloria Stuart (99)
Isabeli Fontana (26)
Becki Newton (31)
Koko The Gorilla (38)
Ute Lemper (46)
Geraldo Rivera (66)
Gina Lollobrigida (82)
Neil Simon (82)
Eva Marie Saint (85)

Brad Pitt's motorcycle bike down, so he got ride a from the paps. St. Angie's angel drawn crystal chariot was not available, obviously. - Lainey Gossip

Three sexy ladies in a row - Egotastic!

Lenny Kravitz should be wearing less clothes - Popsugar

Gis Bundchen or a SJP/Aniston hybrid? - Hollywood Tuna

The weepy Stepford robot is in Australia and still wearing her second trimester pillow - Just Jared

Vintage busted teefs - Cityrag

Adrien Brody will be wearing this in 3...2... - Towleroad

Tater Head to guest star on 90210 as a "punky cute lesbian." I understand the "punky" and "lesbian" part.... - ICYDK

Ryan Eggold tried to recreate Johnny Depp's grease mop and it didn't work - SOW

Harvey needs to start styling Katie Price (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel will never break up, because nobody can work a strap-on like she can - Celebitchy

Zac Efron cut off his twink shag - Socialite Life

So this is the real reason why Jakey chose Reese as his main hag? - I'm Not Obsessed

Gloria Trevi breaks out the "pushing out a doody bubble" pose - Hollywood Rag

I'll take this swimsuit in every color - Superior Gossip

Thanks Ryan

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, so those of you that celebrate that shit should spend today preparing your liver and stomach for the fuckery that is to come. That's what I'll be doing all day (holy water colonics, etc....), so I'll only be posting here and there. This shit will return to its normal schedule on Moooonday. That's if I don't end up in the hospital after joining the legion of drunky dumb fucks who think it's really hilarious to stick a sparkler in your ass. Tempting....and completely possible.

Now I leave you with Kanye West's ballsack polisher, Amber Rose, outside of a club in Hollywood last night with some kind of fungus growing on her head. Stop the insanity!