One of Sammy Sosa's friends has come out to defend him after a picture of him looking like he's on step 3 of "Michael Jackson's Guide to Beauty" started making people talking. Rebecca Polihronis, a former Cubs employee who talks to Sosa all the time, told the Chicago Sun-Times that he's in the process of going through a laser treatment to his skin after spending years playing in the sun.

Rebecca said, "He's not trying to be Michael Jackson. He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin. Women have it all of the time. He was surprised he came out looking so white. I thought it was a body double. Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting. He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin. The picture is deceiving. He said, 'If you saw me in person, you would be surprised. When you see me in person, it is not going to seem like the picture.' People who saw him in person did not react the same way. He can't believe it is such a big deal. He has always been concerned with the way he looks. Probably just bad timing going to an awards show."

REJUVENATION PROCESS?! Unless Sosa was born a baked potato, this "rejuvenation process" is not working. Get a refund. Seriously, I just want to throw a stick of butter and a tub of sour cream on him (hold the chives).

And what does Sammy have to say about those swap meet-bought lemur contacts in his eyes? Let me guess? Eyeball rejuvenation? Bitch should get brain rejuvenation while he's at it.

I shouldn't say that. If Sammy is okay with little children running for the nearest church after seeing him, then good for him.

At a rugby match in London yesterday, Chelsy Davy tried to keep her rekindled relationship with Prince Hot Ginge on the down low by sitting apart from him, but we all know that's pretty much impossible. It didn't take long for Chelsy's vagina to gravitate toward the ginge. Chelsy's private parts slid over to him, throwing the dude between them out of his seat. They spent the rest of the match together. Chelsy whispered spicy nothings into Ginge's ear while he spent his time thinking about me doing a sessy dance in nothing but a thong that says "GINGE ONLY ZONE" on the crotch. That explains why he has such a grim look on his face.

I was reading the comments over at the Daily Mail about these two, and some seem to think that Chelsy is just not fancy enough for PHG. One ho said: "Sorry but this Chelsy will NEVER make a Royal!" And another ho piped in with: "Prince Harry needs to find a princess or aristocrat who will fit in with his status."

Yes, Chelsy looks like she can play "Unskinny Bop" on a beer bottle by blowing into it with her snatch, but that's why PHG loves her so. I mean, this is the dude who cleans his nostrils out with vodka. Chelsy is definitely the refined and elegant princess Hot Ginge needs in his life. And it pains me in the nipples to admit that.

Samantha Newark & Britta Phillips - The VOICES of one of the most important characters in history: JEM (insert a trillion sparkly exclamation points here).

Samantha (on the left) was the talking voice of Jem/Jerrica and Britta was her singing voice. Together they created the greatest performer since Liberace. The truth is, Pizzazz was the one I felt a bond with since she was...well...the bitch. But without Jem!, there could be no Pizzazz, so she is a very important.

If you grew up in the 80s or you're gay, you have to have a favorite Jem! song and mine is below. When I'm finally thrown on the dingy boat to Hell, this must be performed at my funeral by La Pequena (with accompaniment by Keyboard Cat):

Fun fact: This is also the song that plays in Gay Al Reynolds' head whenever he sashays into a room.

Gordon Ramsay (43)
Jack Osbourne (24)
Sam Sparro (27)
Azure Skye (28)
Dania Ramirez (30)
Bucky Covington (32)
Tara Reid (34)
Matthew Rhys (35)
Tom Anderson (39ish)
Gretchen Mol (37)
Parker Posey (41)
Kamar De Los Reyes (42)
Courtney Thorne-Smith (42)
Leif Garrett (48)
Chi Chi La Rue (50)
Richard Curtis (51)
Rickie Lee Jones (55)
Alfre Woodard (57)
Mary Hart (59)
Bonnie Raitt (60)
Patti Page (82)

And this time I mean it in a good way. Jared Leto is 37-years-old and dude looks like he still gets carded for cigarettes in most states. Yes, he's wearing one of Johnny Depp's old ensembles from 21 Jump Street and he's trying to summon the unicorns with his "Ode to the Magical Forest" hair, but I don't mind it. I also don't mind that he looks he should be hooked up to an IV full of Ensure. If we were both on Survivor, we could rub our twig legs together to start a fire and save the entire tribe!

Here's Peter Pan Catalano with his bandmates in Los Angeles yesterday.

There should be a Mister Rogers statute in every town since a lot of us spent quality time with him as children (and as grown-up stoners). The city of Pittsburgh recently unveiled their homage to Mister Rogers called "Tribute to Children." This looks more like a tribute to cat litter. Mister Rogers is way too good for this shit. Shit being the key word here. This reminds me of "Shit Chet" in Weird Science and that is the extreme opposite of a compliment. Why did they have to do (doo) Mister Rogers like that?! Daniel Tigercat probably hit the floor when he saw this thing and he's not going to get up. Let us all weep.

On a positive note, at least they don't have to spend money cleaning up pigeon poo off this statute, because it will blend right in.

On the left is Sammy Sosa at an event back in December of last year. On the right is the same person at the Latin Grammy Awards in Las Vegas on Wednesday night. THE FUCK is right!

Sammy must have an explanation that makes some kind of sense. Either: a) This is Sammy's idea of a Michael Jackson tribute. b) Sammy was attacked by a zombie and is well on his way to becoming one of them. c) Sammy has a skin condition. d) Sammy has straight-up lost his mind.

I'm tempted to go with D, because that explains why his eyes also look like they've been doused in bleach. I CAN'T!

You be the judge and the jury! Below are pictures of Sammy and his wife (who looks like a Khloe Kardashian/Gloria Estefan hybrid) at the Latin Grammys this past week. I also threw in some pictures of darker Sammy at a People event this past May.

When I was in junior high school, the look of the moment for girls was wearing your winter jacket over the shoulder like it was a damn fur stole or a Pashmina. If you ask me, that shit should only be worn like that if you're about to sing a torch song at a gay cabaret or if you're hustling for johns on the ho stroll in the dead of winter. Or if you're Mimi.

Here's Mimi looking like a butternut squash stuffed into an extra small condom while continuing to shoot the video for H.A.T.E.U. in NYC yesterday.

Variety reports that stoner goddess Charlize Theron has dropped out of yet another project (expect baby friend rumors in 3...2..). Charlize was supposed to rub her labia all over Nicole Kidman's forehead of steel in The Danish Girl, but Fishsticks Paltrow will get that privilege instead. Yes, The Botox Queen and the POOPmeister together on screen. Laxative stocks will drop!

In the movie, Nicky will don a dick to play Danish dude artiste Einar Wagner who made the entire world clutch their pearls after he traded his peen in for a poon. Fishsticks will play his wife and fellow artist Greta Wegener. Here's the synopsis from Coming Soon:

The film is based on the true story of Danish artists Einar (Kidman) and Greta Wegener (Paltrow). Their marriage took a sharp left turn after Einar stood in for an female model that Greta was set to paint. When their portraits became wildly popular in 1920s Copenhagen, Greta encouraged her husband to adopt the female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

It should be interesting to see how Nicky is going to play a real-life human dude. I mean, she has the wooden face to play Pinocchio, but lately she's not really believable as a breathing human (see Australia).

And on the next GOOP, Fishy will whip up an organic substitute to Nicky's favorite poison using her own bitch-flavored venom.

That's what came out of Joe Perry's sessy mouth. Joe, who is starting to look like a hot dude version of Colleen Williams, told The Las Vegas Sun that Steven Tyler is hanging up his scarf indefinitely. Aerosmith recently got back from a show in Abu Dhabi, and as far as Joe Perry knows Steven Tyler isn't going to be shaking his bones on stage anymore.

Joe said, “Steven quit as far as I can tell. I don’t know anymore than you do about it. I got off the plane two nights ago. I saw online that Steven said that he was going to leave the band. I don’t know for how long, indefinitely or whatever. Other than that, I don’t know."

Joe has tried calling Steven to get the real story, but dude isn't even trying to pick up the phone, “He’s notorious for that. That’s one thing I’ve learned to live with. I try to overlook it. I like to pick my battles. Frankly, the last few months I’ve been wanting not to rock the boat. I don’t want him canceling any more gigs. We really wanted to do these last four. We just kind of didn’t want to call him out or anything and get him anymore pissed off, for whatever reason. So we just let things lie. So we did the gigs and, like I said, I got off the plane and saw this online. That’s how I know about it.”

If Steven has quit that bitch, Joe says they will bring in a replacement (SIT DOWN, Janice Dickinson) and the show will go on, "As far as replacing Steve, it’s not just about that, it’s also four guys that play extremely well together, and I’m not going to see that go to waste. I really don’t know what path it’s going to take at this point, but we’ll probably find somebody else that will sing in those spots where we need a singer and then we’ll be able to move the Aerosmith up a notch, move the vibe up a notch.”

Steven Tyler performed at the launch party for the pyramids in Egypt, so it might be time for him to spend his days lying in his Golden Rest bed with a bag of caramel squares in his lap and Matlock on the tube.

That being said, STEVEN TYLER CANNOT BE REPLACED. There's not a zombie in Zombieland that can hustle like he can. Well.....unless Larry King knows the words to "F.I.N.E."