John Mayer Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life
This isn't the first time that we've heard that John Mayer will have your coochie screaming "mercy!!" It's already been rumored that his dick is major and that he knows how to fuck. A "friend" of John's backed up these claims to OK! Magazine.
The "friend" said, "John is good in bed. Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I'm not sure what exactly he does in bed, but after girls sleep with him, they're ruined. They get totally hung up on him and want more! Whatever John's secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry."
Hmmmm...I know which "friend" said this. Rachel Green! We get it, Jen. You're fucking John Mayer and the sex is fantastic. Good for you. Give yourself a hug. You don't have to remind us anymore, so you can go back to sticking pins in your Angie Jolie voodoo doll.
Not only is Douche Mayer a master at sexy times, he's also a comedian! He left a pharmacy with the words "experimental human growth hormones" written on his bag. Oh John, save it for the sack.
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Submitted by parissucksliterally on June 12, 2008 - 4:48pm.
HEY! I resent that comment!
no, you resemble that comment, well... at least the Los Angeles part!LOL!
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"Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin'
We could dream this night away."
@Lory, is it normal to have so much hatred for someone we don't know? I think it is and it is justified. I am proud to say that I don't think I have ever heard a song of his ever. My tastes are more Rob Zombie, Prodigy, so his brand of music does not compute. I wouldn't fuck him if money were involved. He just repulses me. I am no Aniston fan, but even I thought better of her than being with Super Douche!
Submitted by angel_i on June 12, 2008 - 3:50pm.
Submitted by Lory on June 12, 2008 - 3:45pm.
I guess it all goes down to the fact that for some people (me in this case) turning your partner is the biggest turn on.
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Yeah! Now that's why I got thrown. It's not like we'd, either of us, have to owe one cuz it's coming either way. Just when it feels right, I guess...
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Word! Going down under should always be a pleasant experience for the parties involved. No strings attached m8! LOL. Now if you can keep track of how many BJs you owe (or he/she owes you) well then go ahead! I for one, have a very bad memory. LOL.
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Let me dirty up your mind.
Submitted by Falcor on June 12, 2008 - 4:55pm
MORE LUBE!
He's gross.
Submitted by Clarisse on June 12, 2008 - 4:54pm.
tonicbitch
Oh My God! The first time i saw a gooeyduck clam, my head almost exploded!!! That something that obsene was created in nature still blows my mind!!!!
Britney Spears?
Submitted by tonicbitch on June 12, 2008 - 4:52pm.
Ok there's clamming, and then there's gooeyducking (yes I know that's not how it's spelled). Pick your poison.
tonicbitch, trannyclams don't count. ;p
Hi "."......
Kizzy, it depends, sometimes reciprocation is immediate...then again, there was one person I loved to 69 with...usually I like to concentrate either way, but I couldn't lay still with this guy....the animal in me was out of control with him...
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“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go"
-Tommy Lee
How do you know if sex is good? Everytime ive tried to have sex it just hurts and I bite my lip until its over....I dont like sex. I like the rubbing and licking and foreplay stuff that comes before.
8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8
Some dance to remember. Some dance to forget.
How do you know if sex is good? Everytime ive tried to have sex it just hurts and I bite my lip until its over....I dont like sex. I like the rubbing and licking and foreplay stuff that comes before.
8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8
Some dance to remember. Some dance to forget.
tonicbitch
Oh My God! The first time i saw a gooeyduck clam, my head almost exploded!!! That something that obsene was created in nature still blows my mind!!!!
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Poodle Toot ~LCT
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on June 12, 2008 - 3:51pm.
It's sex--fuck rules!
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Strangely, after all that, I can say: O! NOW I get it! (not sarcastic - totally true:)
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Do you think I'm high right now? Do I seem high to you? No? Well, you're wrong - I'm totally high right now. - Super-High Me.
Lean Like A Chola
Kizzy,
Ah, i see...Immediate repayment is sometimes not an option though....At a certain point, he's gotta send in the star...i mean the fluffer is all good, but the star usually has to finish the act right?
I say owe him one.
Or better yet, tell him you take one on credit!
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Poodle Toot ~LCT
Ok there's clamming, and then there's gooeyducking (yes I know that's not how it's spelled). Pick your poison.
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A worthy cause: http://dogsindanger.com/ or http://hua.org/
Hey, PSL. :)
Want to help Kizzy out? She wanna know iffin' you can 'owe' oral pleasure for a later date after you got some.
Sticky notes come to mind.
Mayer actually looks almost sexy in this photo. I can't believe I just typed that.
Submitted by devilgirl on June 12, 2008 - 3:45pm.
@Lory- He could shoot Champagne and liquified Valium out and I would still run. John Mayer disgusts me more than even my ex, if that is possible.
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I feel your pain girl! I would not fuck that dude even if he was the last dick on earth. He is so disgusting that he can make my lady parts squirm in not a good way. In fact, disgusting is not enough to describe the way I feel about this dewd.
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Let me dirty up your mind.
Submitted by angel_i on June 12, 2008 - 3:39pm.
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on June 12, 2008 - 3:36pm.
Ok, I think I just scared everyone away.
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Ummmm....I think you gotta make a deal with your bf....If you mean while your dating...like, LOL! It's hard to answer because I kinda think you would be gf and bf by then and then the question would just, I don't know, work itself out.... I've never really mapped out a plan for that kinda thing......hmmm....what an interesting question, actually...
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I'm all for going with the flow. I've been with my bf for over 2 1/2 years and I can't even remember if that was even an issue when we started dating. It's sex--fuck rules! Besides, if you go doing the same routine all the time it can get pretty dull.
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In heaven, everything is fine. You've got your good things, and I've got mine.
Submitted by devilgirl on June 12, 2008 - 4:45pm.
ITA on the suicide. I've banged some questionable characters in my lifetime, some were so douchey they practically dripped vinegar, but not the level of Mayer. That kind of douche never rinses away. I may regret my losers, but Mayer would be too hard to live with. I could not ever excuse that to myself.
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by parissucksliterally on June 12, 2008 - 3:48pm.
Submitted by zomay on June 12, 2008 - 1:20pm.
MONKEYPOX you are smart. You must not live in Los Angeles!
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HEY! I resent that comment!
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Ruh Roh.
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Do you think I'm high right now? Do I seem high to you? No? Well, you're wrong - I'm totally high right now. - Super-High Me.
Lean Like A Chola
Submitted by Lory on June 12, 2008 - 3:45pm.
I guess it all goes down to the fact that for some people (me in this case) turning your partner is the biggest turn on.
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Yeah! Now that's why I got thrown. It's not like we'd, either of us, have to owe one cuz it's coming either way. Just when it feels right, I guess...
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Do you think I'm high right now? Do I seem high to you? No? Well, you're wrong - I'm totally high right now. - Super-High Me.
Lean Like A Chola
Submitted by zomay on June 12, 2008 - 1:20pm.
MONKEYPOX you are smart. You must not live in Los Angeles!
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HEY! I resent that comment!
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“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go"
-Tommy Lee
Submitted by Kizzy on June 12, 2008 - 4:42pm.
For reals. I should, he's done me like that plenty of times.
Kizzy, LOL! Barbara S. wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go. I keed. I keed. But here's a snippet, "You just roll over and turn out the lighttttttt. And you don't bring me orgasms er uhm FLOWERS anyyyyyyy moreeeeee."
Submitted by Clarisse on June 12, 2008 - 4:41pm.
LMAO you know it takes a lot of heat to warm up a Mayer thread.
I live with Mr.Snugglebunny, but there is a bit of debate, when he goes clamming(tyvm YourMom)is it proper etiquette to reciprocate immediately, or just owe him one? I say owe it, Mr.Snugglebunny disagrees. So I put it up to the hawt slutz for a vote.
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Kizzy on June 12, 2008 - 3:29pm.
OK dlisted, since we're on the topic of oral, ladies, when a fellow does go down on you, are you supposed to reciprocate immediately? Or can you just owe him one? The BF and I disagree. He says immediate, I say no, I want sex immediately after, let me owe you one.
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Well I would owe him. In my case I like to receive and give for no reason. Then again, if the DH starts giving me oral, once he's done "worshiping" me he usually says "I want to be inside you NOW!". Next time, I start giving him head and I do not ask him to give it to me (unless he asks me to). I guess it all goes down to the fact that for some people (me in this case) turning your partner is the biggest turn on.
You can reach an agreement with your DH too. Or you can just owe each other as long as you "pay" in the least expected moment.
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Let me dirty up your mind.
I don't buy any of this shit. I bet he's the type who doesn't even enjoy proper fucking and keeps asking for bj's.
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"I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."
Submitted by Clarisse on June 12, 2008 - 4:41pm.
*pulls up chair and pulls off pants*
Clarisse, just remember "prematurity" is a sin (well, unless it's the girl first situation). Then it's all good.
There really should be a song about clamming.
@Lory- He could shoot Champagne and liquified Valium out and I would still run. John Mayer disgusts me more than even my ex, if that is possible.
Submitted by . on June 12, 2008 - 4:38pm.
For reals. I should, he's done me like that plenty of times.
YourMomAte..-It's not my favorite thing to do, but I do it whenever he wants me to. I don't ask him, so he uses it as a bargaining chip. No fair!!
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Yeah Kizzy, I just don't think I could live with myself. It might lead to suicide!
lol, .. I often encourage the bf to go clamming.
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In heaven, everything is fine. You've got your good things, and I've got mine.
Well dip me in butter and call me biscuit!
I stayed the hell away from the Mayer thread, but i didn't know ya'll was taking sexy time!?!?!?!
*pulls up chair and pulls off pants*
Continue.
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Poodle Toot ~LCT
Clam Jam
Oyster Jelly
I tell the men it looks good on their chins.
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on June 12, 2008 - 3:36pm.
Ok, I think I just scared everyone away.
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Ummmm....I think you gotta make a deal with your bf....If you mean while your dating...like, LOL! It's hard to answer because I kinda think you would be gf and bf by then and then the question would just, I don't know, work itself out.... I've never really mapped out a plan for that kinda thing......hmmm....what an interesting question, actually...
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Do you think I'm high right now? Do I seem high to you? No? Well, you're wrong - I'm totally high right now. - Super-High Me.
Lean Like A Chola
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on June 12, 2008 - 4:36pm.
Naahhh, they're ogling fresh Macy meat. Sad, isn't it, William H. Macy is more exciting than John Mayer? What does that tell you about his so-called skills? LMAO
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Oh, Kizzy! lol. I don't think I ever have to give the bf a good reason why he should go downtown, just as he never has to give me a good reason why I should go down on him...it's one of my favorite extreme sports.
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In heaven, everything is fine. You've got your good things, and I've got mine.
Your Mom, "Clamming" is my new favorite term. lmao
Submitted by Kizzy on June 12, 2008 - 4:29pm.
OK dlisted, since we're on the topic of oral, ladies, when a fellow does go down on you, are you supposed to reciprocate immediately? Or can you just owe him one? The BF and I disagree. He says immediate, I say no, I want sex immediately after, let me owe you one.
Kizzy, just tell him if he goes down on you really good he'll get the best bj of his life. Then proceed to roll over and fall asleep after he gets you there. hahahaha
Ok, I think I just scared everyone away.
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In heaven, everything is fine. You've got your good things, and I've got mine.
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on June 12, 2008 - 4:33pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on June 12, 2008 - 3:29pm
Thank you!! and ROFL "clamming"
I usually try the "no, you were just paying me back for the day before yesterday."
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Kizzy on June 12, 2008 - 3:29pm.
OK dlisted, since we're on the topic of oral, ladies, when a fellow does go down on you, are you supposed to reciprocate immediately? Or can you just owe him one? The BF and I disagree. He says immediate, I say no, I want sex immediately after, let me owe you one.
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When my bf's done clamming he usually parks his car in my garage. Reciprocation is optional and is usually practiced, anyway.
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In heaven, everything is fine. You've got your good things, and I've got mine.
Stevie Ray Vaughan should float down from guitar heaven and kick this loser right in the balls for having the audacity to tattoo his initials on his arm.
ITA about Cosmo. Those tips are so stupid anyway. In fact, one of my guy friends has said he'll steer clear of a chick if she has one of those rags laying around because she's probably a psycho, lol.
For Migraineuse:
Flirting Moves No Man Can Resist
Bait Him with Your Body Language
# At a bar or coffeehouse, use the tip of your tongue to lick beer or espresso foam from your lip.
# Give him a long once-over from head to toe, then bring your eyes back up to his. Smile ever so slightly to let him know you like what you see.
# Pull your hair loose from a ponytail holder or clip so he can watch your touchable tresses fall around your face.
# Cross your legs and slowly move your top foot in circles. His eyes will be drawn to your gorgeous gams since men are used to focusing on movement.
# If you shake his hand, wrap your other hand around his. Linger for just a second longer than you normally would.
# Grin and hold his gaze for three seconds. Then bite the corner of your lip and look down.
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A worthy cause: http://dogsindanger.com/ or http://hua.org/
Submitted by devilgirl on June 12, 2008 - 3:23pm.
I refuse to believe that someone that douchetastic can be good in bed! Refuse I tell you. There is just no way. I don't care if he shoots Chanel No5 out of his dick, I would not let him near me and my standards are pretty low these days!
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Mwahahaha! Chanel no 5 you say? Jeebus, no matter where he squirts his load (eyes, pussy) that has GOT to hurt. Now if he shot beer out of his mangina, even straight men would beg for a piece of it...
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Let me dirty up your mind.
OK dlisted, since we're on the topic of oral, ladies, when a fellow does go down on you, are you supposed to reciprocate immediately? Or can you just owe him one? The BF and I disagree. He says immediate, I say no, I want sex immediately after, let me owe you one.
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
I'll pass on Mayer.
I agree....no way oral sex on the first date! If anything, it's even more personal than "intercourse"....!
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“I just "blue" myself.”
-Tobias Fünke "Arrested Development"
Submitted by MONKEYPOX on June 12, 2008 - 12:15pm.
I think guys want to take the easy route with just about everything, so girls are reduced to types and a routine is made to deal with said types. But girls do it to guys too. Case in point, COSMO and their stupid sex tricks. Sorry gals, there is no formula for success because every guy is different...
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Good point. I can't stand Cosmo either. Vapid materialistic magazine pretending to be about "fun fearless females" when all it's really doing is playing on women's insecurities to sell them overpriced crap. Stupid sex tricks indeed. And those how-to-hook-a-man articles. Yeah, you're a strong independent woman if you have to use subliminal fuckery to get yourself a man.
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"This cunt from cuntville really needs to be put on a cunt filter." - MK, 6/11/08
Submitted by Angelina Jolie-Pitt: "use your hands
I SAID USE YOUR HANDS! ASS HOLE!
Stupid Brad!"
That was FUNNY.
Submitted by devilgirl on June 12, 2008 - 4:23pm.
I refuse to believe that someone that douchetastic can be good in bed!
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ITA. Even if he is, knowing I'd actually fucked someone that douchetastic would have me questioning WTF was wrong with me.
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"His name is not 'fat shit cat,' it's Meatball...and he's eating your crab cakes."
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Migraineuse on June 12, 2008 - 4:21pm.
I think I'm gonna hurl.
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Sorry about that. Here's a hurl bucket. LOL
@zomay&MONKEYPOX:
EW! If you guys are talking about oral sex on the first date. rather than no-no places, I have more like time zones, you know? Each place has gotta time zone and if you answer enough questions right you might get into the next one...but it takes time...and first I gotta see how often you wash your hands and stuff...
PS@Migrainneuse: No, I get the last word! CAKE!
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Do you think I'm high right now? Do I seem high to you? No? Well, you're wrong - I'm totally high right now. - Super-High Me.
Lean Like A Chola