Angels Are Singing! The Chosen Ones Have Arrived!
I'm sure you already heard the news due to the fact that millions are rioting in the streets, thousands of people are shouting from mountain tops and your pet has probably taken shelter underneath your bed. Lock your doors, turn off your electricity and horde your water, because the second coming of Jesus is here (aka Saint Angelina gave birth to the twin messiahs). I know, don't you just want to burst into tears and bathe in holy water?
The chosen ones arrived on our planet yesterday in France. They can already talk, read, write and sing. Their SAT scores are already higher than yours and I'm sure they've already been shortlisted for an Oscar this year. A Nobel Peace Prize too.
Saint Angelina gave birth to a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Knox was the middle name of Brad's pepaw. Marcheline was Angelina's mother's name.
Vivi weighed in at 5lbs and Knox weighed in at 5.03. Knox needs to go on the zone diet stat! Things in the Brangelina household are now even. 3 boys, 3 girls.
3 boys named Maddox, Pax and Knox. Those three should start a boy band and call themselves Triple X.
Saint Angelina's doctor told the Associated Press (via People) that the chosen ones were delivered via c-section. He said, "The babies are doing well. The operation went just perfectly. Angelina is in very good spirits. Brad Pitt was at her side. He was there and all was well."
Brangie's lawyers also wasted no time in buying up every single domain name for their chosen ones. They purchased everything from knoxleonjoliepitt.com to viviennemarchelinejoliepitt.biz. They covered all their bases.
There's good news though! Brangelinaisridiculous.com is still available!
So that's that! You now must immediately shut down your computer and spend the day praying at your Brangelina shrine, begging for forgiveness for all the sins you've committed. Or you can just spend the day drinking until your eyeballs roll back into your head. Either one works.
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Jared just needs to be put to sleep. It is the most merciful thing to do.
That said, I think it's pretty funny that the birth certificates are in french and neither of the stupid-as-shit, pretentious parents can read them.
Submitted by Migraineuse on July 13, 2008 - 4:50pm
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They're actually one in the same. I got into a verbal sparring match with one of them because I said Oprah was a self-serving cunt and then she started in about how no one should EVER talk bad about O or Brangelina since they're fucking Gods. Some shit like that...those people make crazies look sane.
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
Brad cut the cord
call me when he cuts the cord to her life support.
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
I'd like to see the Brangeloonies and the followers of Oprah battle to the death in a giant cage match. That is all.
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"When your balls are free, you will find inner peace." - Utilikilts
I just want to say that all of you posting at JJ are hysterical. LOL
It seems those at JJ would worship Skeletinas placentas if they could.
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Submitted by lizzieb on July 13, 2008 - 4:46pm.
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That works!
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
BTW, I'm now a JJ member... who would like me to do their bidding?
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Simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plainness. -LL Cool J
I was going to grill some salmon and asperger for an early supper. Then, as usual, I was going to wash a Xanax down with a chilled chard. Carrot cake for dessert. I need to get to bed early for my 9 a.m. AA meeting.
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Honey-moon: The first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure. (SJ)
STOP THE PRESSES! There is a new post!
BRAD CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Jared is retarded.
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"Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."
-source to Page Six
Submitted by boomsy on July 13, 2008 - 10:42pm.
You know, I always thought I was just a bitch... didn't know we had official diagnoses.
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I thought "Bitch" was a diagnosis. Not to mention a prerequisite.
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"When your balls are free, you will find inner peace." - Utilikilts
I thought we were all just plain ol' hawt sluuutz. Discovering we're stanky asses, too, is icing on the cake.
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Queen Charisma could also be a jellus h8er if you so desire.
I love the fact that they moan about us being negative then call us all sorts of unpleasantness. On another note, here's bit of bitchiness that I hadn't thought of- on the 'People' site- someone is suggesting that the real bio mother is St Ange's assistant- she's pregnant and not been seem for a while it transpires. Now that works for me- no weight gain, no need to even slghtly reduce drug intake, worry about herpes etc.Hmm. I wonder if the JJs have thought of that?
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Leave the thinking to horses, they've got bigger heads.
Submitted by Migraineuse on July 13, 2008 - 4:41pm.
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Then I'm in good company! I'd have to slit my fucking wrists if I was next to one of the JJ loonies.
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
You know, I always thought I was just a bitch... didn't know we had official diagnoses.
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Simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plainness. -LL Cool J
Submitted by madam s. on July 13, 2008 - 4:40pm.
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I did just take a dump.....
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
Submitted by radio siren on July 13, 2008 - 4:38pm.
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Yes, because I want to be some has-been, sitcom actress who dates someone who porked Chestica Simpson and then pissed on her....the Just Jared morons really need to get a clue. You can dislike Angie and not give a rat's ass about Jen at the same time. One doesn't necessarily have to go with the other. These people are nothing but a bunch of glorified stalkers.
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
Submitted by christine the hoff on July 13, 2008 - 8:34pm.
PSL
they forgot to mention were jellis and wear mom jeans too.
elbastardo
okay
pickup my pendolous breasts so I can see to put my shoes on.. I'm coming to kick your ass!
Oooooooooohhhh, nearly there!!!!!
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“Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”
Submitted by QueenCharisma on July 13, 2008 - 10:39pm.
I feel so left out :(
I don't drink, am not on meds, I haven't been diagnosed with a personality disorder, so where do I fit in?!
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Right next to me!
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"When your balls are free, you will find inner peace." - Utilikilts
QueenCharisma,
You are a Dlisted Stanky Ass.
Submitted by lizzieb on July 13, 2008 - 4:35pm.
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I feel so left out :(
I don't drink, am not on meds, I haven't been diagnosed with a personality disorder, so where do I fit in?!
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
Submitted by QueenCharisma on July 13, 2008 - 12:32pm.
Submitted by radio siren on July 13, 2008 - 4:30pm.
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LOL, I just saw that over at JJ and died. I posted under "Truthiness" and basically said all the bitches posting there were nuts!
^^^^^^^^^^^^
I saw yours too! I was wondering who that was. They're so confused too, they think everyone posting are all one person who's obsessed with Jennifer Aniston!
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Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
HEY
I'm proud to be on meds!
it's when I'm off them that things don't go so well!
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
Submitted by parissucksliterally on July 13, 2008 - 9:27pm.
ooooh- we got insulted!
Congrats to Brangelina. Congrats to Dlisted for being one of the best blogs around but attracts the biggest, losing haters. People on meds, drunks and Asperger’s syndrome!
I am only two of those things and very insulted. I shall go and cry into my Team Aniston pillow.
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Leave the thinking to horses, they've got bigger heads.
parissucks,
I guess since I don't take meds and haven't been diagnosed with Asperger's, by default I will have to accept my fate as a Dlisted drunk.
They also called Dlisters a bunch of "stanky asses", which to be honest I thought was pretty funny.
PSL
they forgot to mention were jellis and wear mom jeans too.
elbastardo
okay
pickup my pendolous breasts so I can see to put my shoes on.. I'm coming to kick your ass!
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
Look on the bright side, at least their kids can't be president.
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The real LA? (on the right)- http://bp1.blogger.com/_p2jgVV2iZVs/Rwbyb01mwZI/AAAAAAAAAig/aetvoWN5Hbk/...
Submitted by parissucksliterally on July 13, 2008 - 4:27pm.
Now that is terribly unfair. Y'all were just trying to interject a little sanity into the looniebin, y'all were only doing them a favor.
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by radio siren on July 13, 2008 - 4:30pm.
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LOL, I just saw that over at JJ and died. I posted under "Truthiness" and basically said all the bitches posting there were nuts!
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"Tact is just not saying true stuff - I'll pass."
I just posted this at JJ...enjoy, JJ'ers!
"These children are so blessed. There will be many future nights around the fire where they will be regaled with the stories of mommy and daddy's many previous lovers. There is so much love in the world! Mommy can explain to them how it is good to have many past husbands. They will grow up with open minds. Daddy can tell them many stories about Merv Griffin. It is all too beautiful! I am about to cry tears of joy....god bless the jolie-pitts!!"
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Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
@CtheHoff, keep talking, i'm getting aroused!! :o)
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“Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”
Submitted by El Bastardo on July 13, 2008 - 4:26pm
No, silly! You have a swear word as your name. They d*n't sw!ar 0ver th#re.
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by El Bastardo on July 13, 2008 - 3:22pm.
Alright, now you're asking for it!
"pulls up size twenty mom jeans, puts down the shake and the big mac, pushes greasy hair off face"
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
ooooh- we got insulted!
Congrats to Brangelina. Congrats to Dlisted for being one of the best blogs around but attracts the biggest, losing haters. People on meds, drunks and Asperger’s syndrome! See, they chased away all of the witty commenters there and now have no one to fight with, so they have resorted to coming on here in hoping to bait the fans of this blog. Don’t go there. They all get off on ganging up on people and being petty. Now, they only have themselves to argue with. Good Luck to the twins!
I'm so ashamed....but they forgot the potheads, ED survivors and recovering drug addicts we have here!
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"Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."
-source to Page Six
Submitted by christine the hoff on July 13, 2008 - 4:24pm.
They're congratulating EACH OTHER on the births? WTF?
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Kizzy on July 13, 2008 - 8:22pm.
The Hoff, I'm happy to report your "piss on you" comment made it!!!
Did mine?
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“Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”
Kizzy
hahaha!
I return in trimuph.
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
Submitted by angel_i on July 13, 2008 - 3:19pm.
I know, right??
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
The Hoff, I'm happy to report your "piss on you" comment made it!!!
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
DAMN! You jealous cheetomunching obese flatulent hogs! OINNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!
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“Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”
edited- oops, lost my internet connection...no need or this post twice....
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"Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."
-source to Page Six
I am going to politely decline the offer by JJers to pray for my soul. It's been through enough already.
is incredible to see people?, haters, gonna crazy over the birth of two little innocent babies. It doesn’t matter who their parents our. Babies represent the future. The continuation of the race. And especially when they will not be on the dole.
I can’t wait for them to adopt someone for Z. Angie said they would adopt someone for her. I’m sure they will be asked if the twins are the last of the joliepitts? And when she says no, that they will adopt a child of African origin for Z watch the haters go bonkers again.
Haters will never have peace in their lives because the joliepitts will always be doing something that upsets them. Just their enjoying their family upsets them. Making movies. Helping others. And on and on and on and on. Peace
Report
Oh my.....
"reaches for fainting hankie"
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
Jubilee, everyone at this site spew Aniston hatred on a daily basis. It is as if you all see it as impossible to like both Angie and Jen (which I do). The break up happened almost 4 years ago, it is time just LET IT GO.
Pray for my soul, for it is evil…….please, I beg you, if rational thinking can be considered “evil”.
dumbass bitch had the nerve to say they don't insult JA.....puh-leeez!
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"Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."
-source to Page Six
Submitted by christine the hoff on July 13, 2008 - 4:15pm.
now it is telling me at JJ
that my comment is being considered.
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And yet it's ok for them to tell us that they "wish (us) freaks a lifetime of pain." Nice.
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can smell the dlister effigies burning from here.
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
now it is telling me at JJ
that my comment is being considered.
hahaha
banned.
but I did get some good ones in.
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"In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure.."
ROOF FLIES OFF!
RIP George Carlin
Submitted by thlayly5 on July 13, 2008 - 4:06pm.
I was wondering why they kept referring to me as Ted from E! network.
Anyway, I gotta go have dinner at the folks' so I'll see y'all tomorrow. Assuming I don't get strangled in my sleep.
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"I guess we'll need some more FBI guys."
Submitted by angel_i on July 13, 2008 - 4:03pm.
Great way to put it, I was always clumsy with words.
angel @ 07/13/2008 at 4:17 pm
guys how are we going to add the new letters?,is it going to be bampzskv(that is too long)
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I replied: KAMPZBS
Things are loading slowly because people are posting like crazy. Literally.
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Submitted by MacKoroni on July 13, 2008 - 9:11pm.
my post didn't show up either, jared you fascist bastard
No it is becos ur jellus. I can't even log on now, so I will never read the dirty milk poem. I so wanted to do so.
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Leave the thinking to horses, they've got bigger heads.