Angels Are Singing! The Chosen Ones Have Arrived!
I'm sure you already heard the news due to the fact that millions are rioting in the streets, thousands of people are shouting from mountain tops and your pet has probably taken shelter underneath your bed. Lock your doors, turn off your electricity and horde your water, because the second coming of Jesus is here (aka Saint Angelina gave birth to the twin messiahs). I know, don't you just want to burst into tears and bathe in holy water?
The chosen ones arrived on our planet yesterday in France. They can already talk, read, write and sing. Their SAT scores are already higher than yours and I'm sure they've already been shortlisted for an Oscar this year. A Nobel Peace Prize too.
Saint Angelina gave birth to a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Knox was the middle name of Brad's pepaw. Marcheline was Angelina's mother's name.
Vivi weighed in at 5lbs and Knox weighed in at 5.03. Knox needs to go on the zone diet stat! Things in the Brangelina household are now even. 3 boys, 3 girls.
3 boys named Maddox, Pax and Knox. Those three should start a boy band and call themselves Triple X.
Saint Angelina's doctor told the Associated Press (via People) that the chosen ones were delivered via c-section. He said, "The babies are doing well. The operation went just perfectly. Angelina is in very good spirits. Brad Pitt was at her side. He was there and all was well."
Brangie's lawyers also wasted no time in buying up every single domain name for their chosen ones. They purchased everything from knoxleonjoliepitt.com to viviennemarchelinejoliepitt.biz. They covered all their bases.
There's good news though! Brangelinaisridiculous.com is still available!
So that's that! You now must immediately shut down your computer and spend the day praying at your Brangelina shrine, begging for forgiveness for all the sins you've committed. Or you can just spend the day drinking until your eyeballs roll back into your head. Either one works.
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angel_i @ 07/13/2008 at 3:13 pm
Jennifer Aniston is quite happy, thank you very much, touring with her awesome BF and living the life. I hardly think she is jealous of the gaping wound in Angie’s side. She’s probably on a beach somewhere making out with her BF (right now).
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Faternal twins are 2 eggs, Maternal twins the egg splits so they would have to be the same sex and identical. Thats what I was told in Nursing School back in 1983.
Submitted by madam s. on July 13, 2008 - 2:44pm.
FOR REALS!!!! I was vascillating between nausea due to saccharine fawning, and nausea from sheer terror. Either way, JJ makes me puke.
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by parissucksliterally on July 13, 2008 - 11:46am.
I think they were born before 8 pm on the 12th. But I know a site where 200 people could instantly tell you....
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Honey-moon: The first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure. (SJ)
OH MY GOD!!!! When I first heard the groundbreaking news this morning, I went into an epileptic seizure. Just ONE of the MANY effects that pure holiness existing on this mortal planet has!!!
Submitted by . on July 13, 2008 - 2:54pm.
Thats what I got when I first went to Just Jared. I don't need a penis enlargement either.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on July 13, 2008 - 10:52am.
Guys, they are right about the twins being fraternal on JJ:
Monozygotic twins are genetically identical (unless there has been a mutation in development) and they are always the same sex.
sorry to spoil the fun.....
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It's obvious boy/girl twins are fraternal. There is no other way for it to possibly be. The idiot at JJ was wondering how JJ could possibly know the twins WERE fraternal yet. He's a moron.
Identical twins are always the same sex, but same sex twins are not always identical.
♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin
I know Jennifer Aniston is laughing her ass off right now. The idea of having to look forward to six teenagers at the same time is a sort of hell I would not wish on anyone.
Check to see the poster "pupose".
I tried my hand at being a crazed Brange fan. Did I blend in?
"To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems!"-
Submitted by angel_i on July 13, 2008 - 10:51am.
Ooooo...they're on to us! Spooooooooky....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*Screams like Shelley Duvall in "The Shining."*
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
Team Valtrex @ 07/13/2008 at 3:06 pm
C-Section? Usually it’s Brad getting torn a new one.
T-Val, you're killing me.... It's also funny as hell to imagine the fans reading this stuff.
Submitted by joanne on July 13, 2008 - 2:47pm.
Expect e-mails on penis enlargement, weight loss and cosmetic surgery.
That kind of generic chauvanistic spam annoys me. I mean, how about a 'clit enlargement' email to me? Damn! Throw me a bone...er.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on July 13, 2008 - 10:46am.
You guys are still on a roll I see!
Hi radio siren! I was off building my shrine to the twins.....I wonder if James Haven can send me a lock of hair from each......
^^^^^^^
Ooh, pick some hair up for me! I am still on my quest for gold dust, holy water, 99 cent store merchandise featuring her likeness, and clippings of Jenny Shimizu's pubic hair.
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
Submitted by . on July 13, 2008 - 2:39pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on July 13, 2008 - 2:32pm
==========================
I'm sure the gaping maw that serves as her vadge could easily accommodate an entire pitchfork, but I wouldn't want to be the one who has to reach up there to get it back. Not without being vaccinated first.
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"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
angel_i @ 07/13/2008 at 3:05 pm
Jen is SO lucky not to be saddled with all those kids. She will have a free and happy life instead! Thank GAWD she left Brad.
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
OK, I had to do it to and it posted, for now, my comment:
"Glamorous gwadess":
"Angelina’s Hollywood Royalty as is Brad - they are Movie Stars and Humanitarians and the biggest movie stars in the world."
like oh emm gee, that wuz the HWATEST most profound thing I have ever read.
I saw a bright light over France last night, I was drunk on moon beams and the elation with my dreams being answered.
All Hail The Jolie Planned C Section!
As a royal glamour gwadess myself, I can so relate.
I mean, I only read the good things people pretend to believe about me.
It's how I keep a balanced and fulfilling life. There is never, ever a bad side to anyone, right? The truth is only shiny, sparkly and rosy.
There is only one side to every glamorous person out there, I know, I am one of them. I revel in my one dimensionalness. It is so gratifying much like my sister Angie to never ever allow another opinion, especially if it's a bad one, I wouldn't be able to live.
All my love,
GG
?&!
"Don't get me twisted with average fan losers you have encountered. I am not one of them."
"I am more of a manipulative bitch than a cunt"
"LOVE ANGELINA aka HEART ANGELINA aka ???"
Submitted by joanne on July 13, 2008 - 2:47pm.
Expect e-mails on penis enlargement, weight loss and cosmetic surgery.
****************************
Waddyamean? My BF sends me those, doesn't he?
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Team Valtrex @ 07/13/2008 at 3:06 pm
C-Section? Usually it’s Brad getting torn a new one.
***********************************************
My life is nothing but a convoluted drinking game.
Angie and brad will have to work the rest of their lives in order to take care of their huge kiddie flock.
___________________
Honestly, this girl needs to dig a hole and stick her head in it.
She has no intelligence, no class, no beauty, no charm NOTHING doing for her.
Submitted by Lucy Goosey on Rumor Willis
Ooooo...they're on to us! Spooooooooky....
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Madame S: The Brangeloonies are obsessed with hating Jennifer Aniston. You would really think that Aniston ran over their dogs in a past life.
Also, if I hear one more time about what a great humanitarian Jolie is, I am going to hurl. I actually posted on another thread that these idiots, contrary to popular belief, did not give all the proceeds from Shiloh's first pics to charity and was promptly told that could not be possibly be true! Seriously, these freaks are on their own planet.
I wish I could go and play too!!!
The funniest part about that lame-ass site is that you can't swear or use ANY interesting words or your comment won't process, so I had to be creative and write things like: "It's too bad Angie was born to Jon Voight otherwise she would be actualizing her true calling which is to be in low-rent p0rn".
(Yes, you can't even say porn).
Madam s.
I totally find their rabid love of Angie and hate of Jen Aniston so weird. They love hating her, yet cannot understand that someone can hate Angie. It's so funny.
Unlike dlisters, who don't honestly "hate"- we're just annoyed, jaded, snarky- they really, really hate Jen, and talk about her in every single Angie thread. Reminds me of JenFraud.
"To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems!"-
Expect e-mails on penis enlargement, weight loss and cosmetic surgery.
Submitted by Sheeps on July 13, 2008 - 10:42am.
onmyown @ 07/13/2008 at 2:51 pm
Charlotte @ 07/13/2008 at 2:24 pm Birth in France does not automatically confer French nationality. ”
—French Civil Code
Thanks for the lesson in Citizenship. Safe to say that Knox Leon and Viveviene Marcheline will always have that deep connection to France and perhaps reclaiming their heritage through Angelina’s mom, Marcheline.
If you are French, then perhaps these births will serve to start friendships between France JP fans, from us and all nation of the world proving that only geography separates us.
So for this glorious births and for remembrance that faithful day 14th of July, Bastille came down as symbol of Political Opression.
I say to thee and all French citizens - Hail to France !
^^^^^^^^^^^^
CAN'T. BREATHE...!!!!!!!!! Holy St Angelina!
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
I figured I should keep it simple...they sure are kinda slow over there...
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
You guys are still on a roll I see!
Hi radio siren! I was off building my shrine to the twins.....I wonder if James Haven can send me a lock of hair from each......
Mr President, you are a dead man....the Brangeloonies are going to invade us now!
Sheeps, I hope that was your post about July 12 being the best day ever! But weren't they born on the 13th?
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"They think that I got no respect, but everything means less than zero"
- Elvis Costello
Team Valtrex @ 07/13/2008 at 3:00 pm The weekly Blobs vs. Adoptees steel cage tag team match to see who gets to appear in the photo ops for the week just got more evenly matched.
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My life is nothing but a convoluted drinking game.
Team Valtrex @ 07/13/2008 at 2:48 pm
angel_i @ 07/13/2008 at 2:40 pm So why bless France? America isn’t good enough for them?
France is the only place where the stank wafting out of her vadge will go unnoticed.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH *deep breath* HAHAHAHAHAHA
angel_i @ 07/13/2008 at 2:54 pm
CLINIQUA @ 07/13/2008 at 2:50 pm
# 554 MR. PRESIDENT @ 07/13/2008 at 2:31 pm They are trailer trash masquerading as cosmopolitan humanitarians. Like spreading caviar on top of a rotten spam sandwich.
_________________
No, that’s the oh dear of your tw*t, so please do us all a favor and close your legs.
Angelina’s Hollywood Royalty as is Brad - they are Movie Stars and Humanitarians and the biggest movie stars in the world.
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Ok, but can they DANCE? No! Can they SING? No.
Just sayin
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Submitted by madam s. on July 13, 2008 - 10:41am.
radio siren,
I was laughing my ass off when I read that. If that's not Sheeps I will be very surprised.
^^^^^^^^^^^
OMG, that has to be Sheeps. I needs me some coffee.
Sheeps?.....
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
Submitted by madam s. on July 13, 2008 - 2:39pm.
You guys,
I just tried to go play with you at JustJared but I've already been there once before and got banned within 20 minutes or so, and now I can't post ever again! It just says "Your Comment is Awaiting Moderation" and then (obviously) it never gets posted. BOOO!
Well, hells bells, madam s.! Obviously JJ can't handle your intelligent, naughty, well-honed snark. I'm so glad for dlisted because I'd hate to have to spoon feed my snark in small tidbits to the kibbles and bits crowd. How lame.
Joking aside, I read through some of the comments at JustJared and those are some really fucked up people over there. I mean, not only do they worship Brangelina in a way that is beyond creepy as hell, but that whole thing of tying in Jennifer Aniston and despising (and I mean DESPISING) her is so bizarre. The whole thing is S.C.A.R.Y.
Those fuckers at JJ are SICK. Well and truly sick.
(LovesAngelina's there, LMAO)
Someone on JJ actually wrote this:
Alexamber A @ 07/13/2008 at 4:47 am ‘CONGRATULATIONS! ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT’
May the presence of all your collective energies purify the darkest of souls!.
May the Universe grant this family with unconditional Love, Health, Abundance, and Divine Protection Infinitely!.
Blessings To All.
==================================
If we're counting on Brangie & the kids to save our souls, we're all fucked.
************************************
"Shes like a catroach with nine lives and a disgusting shell"-LoLo on 6/24/08
♥♥ If you don't talk to your Cat about Catnip, who will? ♥♥
Mr. Prez-
I love how the idiot JJ posters think that the only way you don't like AJ is if you are a fan of Jen Aniston.
All of their oh so clever come backs insult Jen, thinking that we really give a shit about her. They cannot conceive of a person who hates All Fake Celebs, esp. Angie.
Cliniqia is a famous idiot over at Jared.
"To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems!"-
onmyown @ 07/13/2008 at 2:51 pm
Charlotte @ 07/13/2008 at 2:24 pm Birth in France does not automatically confer French nationality. ”
—French Civil Code
Thanks for the lesson in Citizenship. Safe to say that Knox Leon and Viveviene Marcheline will always have that deep connection to France and perhaps reclaiming their heritage through Angelina’s mom, Marcheline.
If you are French, then perhaps these births will serve to start friendships between France JP fans, from us and all nation of the world proving that only geography separates us.
So for this glorious births and for remembrance that faithful day 14th of July, Bastille came down as symbol of Political Opression.
I say to thee and all French citizens - Hail to France !
How the hell CLINIQUA be saying they be the biggest movie stars in the world? She crazy?
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
radio siren,
I was laughing my ass off when I read that. If that's not Sheeps I will be very surprised.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on July 13, 2008 - 2:33pm.
France is the only place where the stank wafting out of her vadge will go unnoticed.
~~~~~~~~
OMG! LMAO! *slips off barstool* Yeah, I started early today!
~"~"~"~"~"Life is too short to work so hard...Vivien Leigh~"~"~"~"~
You guys,
I just tried to go play with you at JustJared but I've already been there once before and got banned within 20 minutes or so, and now I can't post ever again! It just says "Your Comment is Awaiting Moderation" and then (obviously) it never gets posted. BOOO!
An actual post at JJ by a Brangeloonie (or did one of you guys write this in jest?):
Lambs @ 07/13/2008 at 2:42 pm July 12, 2008 is the best day ever. It’s like Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, and my birthday all at the same time (I also have an ethnically mixed family, so, Ange and Brad, I totally relate). These adorable little “jumeaux” (that’s French) will undoubtedly be brilliant, smart, and good children and adults. I wouldn’t be surprised if Knox cured AIDS and Viv (hope that’s not too casual) won a coveted Oscar(R) by her 21st birthday (July 12, 2029). Jared, you’re the greatest and most funniest! Keep up the good work!
^^^^^^^^
I really hope this is a joke.
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
Submitted by angel_i on July 13, 2008 - 2:36pm.
You're kidding, right? This is what passes as my good mood.
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My life is nothing but a convoluted drinking game.
Submitted by Kizzy on July 13, 2008 - 2:32pm.
Personally, I'm waiting for the report from the villagers with torches and pitchforks, but there are more Brangeloonie celebrations going on than you can shake a giraffe's pecker at. ROFL
LMAO! Kizzy, heyyyy there, girlie. Watch it! My avatar resembles that remark! *tickle*
Speaking of pitchforks, someone should plant one in Angelina's postfartum ass because she's DONE.
CLINIQUA @ 07/13/2008 at 2:50 pm
# 554 MR. PRESIDENT @ 07/13/2008 at 2:31 pm They are trailer trash masquerading as cosmopolitan humanitarians. Like spreading caviar on top of a rotten spam sandwich.
_________________
No, that’s the oh dear of your tw*t, so please do us all a favor and close your legs.
Angelina’s Hollywood Royalty as is Brad - they are Movie Stars and Humanitarians and the biggest movie stars in the world.
Please go back to worshipping the middleaged tackhead cheesey TV sit-com hack daughter of a soap opera actor, Jen Aniston.
Don’t infect the thread of Movie Star royalty, with homely tv people.
thanks.
**********************
"I guess we'll need some more FBI guys."
Submitted by angel_i on July 13, 2008 - 11:34am.
Please promise to share with us the most rabid and scurrilous emails you get? I have the feeling that sugarcandy stuff goes out the window at JJ when you attack one of the gods.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honey-moon: The first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure. (SJ)
Submitted by Team Valtrex on July 13, 2008 - 10:33am.
Team Valtrex @ 07/13/2008 at 2:48 pm angel_i @ 07/13/2008 at 2:40 pm So why bless France? America isn’t good enough for them?
France is the only place where the stank wafting out of her vadge will go unnoticed.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh my, you guys are killing me! Seriously, I'm dying here, I bow down before the wit of every Dlister! I worship you...I cannot bear the mark of the twin antichrists any longer!
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl
Submitted by Team Valtrex on July 13, 2008 - 2:33pm.
Team Valtrex @ 07/13/2008 at 2:48 pm angel_i @ 07/13/2008 at 2:40 pm So why bless France? America isn’t good enough for them?
France is the only place where the stank wafting out of her vadge will go unnoticed.
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LOL! Hung over much?
You sound kinda grumpy Uncle Valtrex.
You should have a beer.
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on July 13, 2008 - 2:30pm.
I thought I had seen the photographic evidence of their birth, but it was just 2 demons guarding the gates of hell.
Nawwwww, those gargoyles are harmless. Hey, don't pick on the STONErs. We are makers of peace and excellent brownies and such. ;)
Who am I kidding? Hell hath no fury like Angelina's labour pains.
It must be a cold day in hades when an a-list hobag feels a wittle ounce of pain eh?
Now me? Hey! If I sprain my hoof I don't freak out, I just limp my way to the medicine cabinet. Sheesh.
Submitted by Sheeps on July 13, 2008 - 2:32pm.
Angel, maybe delete your email on JJ, or you'll have to cancel that address.
Mr. Prez is about to get assassinated.
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I really only use the addy for registrations like that, so I'm not too worried. If they wanna bombard me, no harm no foul. It's pretty anonymous. I just feel like such an ass! ;p
♥ ThreadKilla!
Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
Submitted by angel_i on July 13, 2008 - 10:31am.
Once again I was inspired by VLL who kept putting those two up there. I was secretly hoping they would be girls, but alas...
^^^^^^^^^
So where did all of the twin girl rumors begin? Or was it just that poor Knox inherited his daddy's poorly-endowed genitalia and the doctor was unable to spot it on the ultrasound?
________________________
Dlisted's a hellava drug.
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her." - Dave Grohl