Dane Cook Really Hates His Movie Poster
Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.
He lost me when he said his "left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina." First of all, it's BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney's delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from "American Pie" is holding.
The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook's skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it's fine.
Dane's 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream "douche" while saying it and you'll get a prize. JUMP!!
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.4. Lips:
It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"7. Hair:
It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Did you scream douche? If you didn't, your prize is a tube of Maybelline's Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick in apricot. Buy yourself one at your local Rite-Aid and send me the bill.
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Happygirl on August 13, 2008 - 12:09am
Stop, just stop.
You only know him from here too.
Take your problems where they belong, some where else.
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
Sadshit, I put up what I want. IF IT BOTHERS YOU
don't touch the link. Pretty simple. Most people here are cool and I would like to share my info (if they want). I like to keep it off the threads so they can look if they want. NOW GO AWAY TROLL. You are pathetic.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
I just signed Sheeps on to my CrackSpace page.
Judging from his page alone, no, he is not some trifling faker baker.
This shit happens in waves, every 3 to 4 months, it happens, it ebbs, it happens again.
On T: I see Rehab and Credit Service commercials in Dane's future.
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
Oh sorry "." I am fucking up. Nyquil kicking in.
Bad cold. Sorry for the mess up. I wrote to soon! Don't be mad at me!!!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Um dot, or period (or whatever your prob is) huh? Who said you were me???
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Hey Tim Valtrex
***wagging a plastic glove made of latex but with no baby powder***
Care to join me in a bend over and cough!
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 13, 2008 - 12:00am.
My name's not really Team Valtrex. It's Tim Valtrex, amateur proctologist.
________________________________________________
LOL
You know, I thought you looked like a "Tim"
Submitted by Happygirl on August 12, 2008 - 11:51pm.
You're full of caca del toro. I've chatted with Sheeps on a few occasions and not ONCE, NOT ONCE did he EVER ask me for my personal info. EVER.
You join here in the last few hours to REVEAL bullshit? Bitch please!
Antie Bea, someone told me who was in my avatar before but I already done forgot but I was told it's a character from a popular game. Old Timers Disease? lol
Two Drink Min, the asshole who posted your name here was pure scum. TOTALLY pathetic and UNCALLED for and I'm still seething about it and I'm not even YOU.
When Dane Cook did his impression of "ALIEN" on stage I almost pissed myself. The guy has some comedic talent imho. ;p
Peace. People. Peace.
I'm glad you're not worried Aunt Bea, but I sure as hell am. :)
************************************************
When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
@Happy Girl,
Dear 2 min member I do not care what you think and I am sure you could care less about what I think.
But this I do know. That man has more integrety in a single cell than you will ever have in your lifetime.
Please feel free to take a cookie on the way out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Submitted by Aunt Bea on August 12, 2008 - 11:57pm.
My name's not really Team Valtrex. It's Tim Valtrex, amateur proctologist.
***********************************************
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by Happygirl on August 12, 2008 - 11:51pm.
Here's what I believe:
1. It's a frigging gossip blog and nothing more
2. You should NEVER give personal info out to anyone...EVER
3. If you do give out your personal info then you get exactly what you deserve because you are an asshat.
That being said, thanks for the heads up, but I'm not really worried about "creeps" finding out my name isn't really "Bea"....
Submitted by Two Drink Min on August 12, 2008 - 11:55pm.
luv ya back
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by Two Drink Min on August 12, 2008 - 11:52pm.
Damn, I was really hoping it was me. God only knows what the voices in my head do while I'm in the bathroom. They always get real quiet.
***********************************************
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
TV - if you are here you know I have nothing but love for ya!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Oh shit. I don't mean Team Valtrex. I meant some fakey Wonky McValtrex lover that uses her pic. Clearly in attempt to give us seizures.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
I have seen that Sheeps is the resident legal advisor though.
Submitted by shandi on August 12, 2008 - 11:47pm.
I LOVE Nikki Sixx! I have the "Heroin Diaries" I just haven't had the time to read it.
Sheeps is here all the time. Never causes ish
it's this fake Valtrex lover. Sheeps is hilarious.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 12, 2008 - 11:46pm.
So even for a kids' movie, not too good... I saw a trailer for an astronaut bug movie today as well. It's like studios take a mediocre idea and then copycat it. For what reason? Looking forward to the *third* Ice Age movie though.
I have never thought Dane cook was funny. I've listened to his stand up acts, and I just don't get it. Then I read his top ten list, and he's just trying to hard to be funny (again). Maybe I'm too old to get it? (I'm 38) No, I'm not too old and he is just a douche.
--------------------------------
"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
Gonnaburn, it was pretty bad. There were a few moments when I laughed, but it stunk.....lol
My lil guy liked it though- that's what mattered...
************************************************
When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
Submitted by Two Drink Min on August 12, 2008 - 11:42pm.
Just copycats, I think. RE: vamp. obsession- agree, overplayed.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 12, 2008 - 11:42pm.
I don't buy Sheeps or James Haven as being Cunt.Gravy and what other idiots pop up. I think we should ignore them and they will eventually die from the lack of attention and slither away. They do this to get a reaction out of us. sick.
PSL- How was the movie?
Man I come back to find the stalker trolls have again changed names. So sad life must be.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
SHEEPS is NOT a fucking troll. Don't even fucking mention his name in that context. He is too smart a man to waste his time being a shit stirrer.
************************************************
When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
Submitted by Happygirl on August 12, 2008 - 11:35pm.
OK, that is the funniest thing I've seen here all night. How much vodka is in your grape drank?
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by . on August 12, 2008 - 11:35pm.
Hi Dot!
I see there is someone "new" that is accusing a regular poster of being a troll. I don't know what happened to you, because I haven't been here that long, but I find you to be funny so I hope whatever you went through is behind you.
btw: who is that in your avie?
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 11:11pm.
Frito, I outed myself a while back (sometimes a few times lol) but you weren't here to see it. I always felt sad about not coming clean but since I have my own stalker issues I've been trying to stay under the radar. I've been more of a bitch than I was last year but a LOT has happened since then and I'm not taking shit from ANYONE any longer. Period [.].
James Haven or anyone else here who is a reg being accused is not cunt.gravy/vagina.sauce and whatever else name. Someone is here trying to fuck with our collective minds and I'm not going to buy into it. There's a game called "guess who" and then everyone starts questioning each other and pointing fingers. It's about the most juvenile bullshit card you can play. I ain't playing into it.
Dane Cook is funny as a stand-up but I'm on the fence about his ability to actually act.
TV, thank you for explaining things.
Guys, cheer up. If *I* can survive still coming here so can YOU. And I don't care if twodrink had her name on some other website (on purpose or by accident), that was a SHITTY thing to do to post it here, fucker.
Moonlight, canoes, roses and bong hits for everyone.
-And scene.
Outtie.
Love,
Me.
Wait! I just realized something.....Dane Cook's name is before Kate's! What gives?
the funniest thing about DC is he thinks he is hot.
THAT'S A GIANT JOKE, GET IT?
Submitted by DebFrmHell on August 12, 2008 - 11:29pm.
@Aunt Bea,
I couldn't bring myself to see that one for the Steve Carroll factor. I feel like the only person in the USA who think that guy is just not funny.
__________________________________________________
You're not the only one Deb. I don't like Carroll either (I HATED Virgin), but I was outnumbered and couldn't do anything about it. The movie stunk with or without Dane but he did add to the stink factor.
Submitted by Aunt Bea on August 12, 2008 - 11:28pm.
Word
***********************************************
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
@Aunt Bea,
I couldn't bring myself to see that one for the Steve Carroll factor. I feel like the only person in the USA who think that guy is just not funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 11:19pm.
I wouldn't worry about who's who, I just ignore anyone that is nasty (without just cause), to another poster.
Hi Deb! On a mission....eh?
************************************************
When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
I saw Dane in "Dan in Real Life", I couldn't stand him at all...........
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 11:19pm.
It's a regular poster, under an assumed name.
***********************************************
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
aquarius you ain't seen nothing yet. There are a fuckload of crazies 'round these parts. You learn to tell them apart after awhile, and the best thing to do about them is to ignore their psycho asses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!
EEG!,
You would have to put plenty of vodka in that Ovaltine for ESE! Then all you got to do is wag is at him and he will follow you anywhere with a smile on his face.
Me lurves ESE! He is easy and is NEVAH a douche.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Yannow, he's right, but I'm sure he's getting paid decent to be in this cinematic piece of crap, so he needs to STFU and look purty in the poster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!
I am fairly new at posting although I've been lurking for a while... but I thought Cunt.Gravy/Cooch.Roue was someone 'normal', not a troll? Am I lost? It is possible. I thought the only multi-name trolls were Beige Baby and VLL's suicidal stalker?
For fucks sake everyone, please just bombard lalal with mails or pm's. Beyond that the bitch isn't worth talking about.
ESE,
Don't go I was just mixing you an ovaltine and fluffing up the couch!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
pathetic is chatting with bitch of crazy mouth
Funny Bitch LoLo as FLA
Submitted by Gonnaburn,
I was! She definitely would have been in here to figure out what the "H" was going on...She is such a shy retiring kind of gal. Then I think I read she broke a toof or something...
She would have called shenanigans. LOL.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
See, I always miss everybody. Dammit.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Aphid was just here yesterday!
♥ ThreadKilla! / Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can only find pictures of the girl twin.
And at last, the mystery is solved. Tigerlilly and Stoney will be so pleased. Then Tiger will eat you. @Deb- I posted about Kizzy in the Katiebot post??? Were you askimg where she was earlier?
God DebFrmHell, you sound like a troll more than anyone else, screaming panic like you're auditioning for The Crucible. At least cooch is talking about Dane Cook and not who can and can't post what!
This movie poster blows, but so does Dane Cook. And Kate Hudson. And Jason Biggs. Fuck this entire (straight-to-DVD) production.
HI ESE!
This is the easiest on topic we have ever had. It is all about Douches and how loud we want to scream it!
Care for a Russkie?
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.