Dane Cook Really Hates His Movie Poster
Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.
He lost me when he said his "left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina." First of all, it's BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney's delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from "American Pie" is holding.
The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook's skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it's fine.
Dane's 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream "douche" while saying it and you'll get a prize. JUMP!!
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.4. Lips:
It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"7. Hair:
It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Did you scream douche? If you didn't, your prize is a tube of Maybelline's Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick in apricot. Buy yourself one at your local Rite-Aid and send me the bill.
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Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:41pm.
Louis CK decided to be the bigger man and not sue over a bit called "itchy asshole", which is the exact same thing DC named it when he put it on his Retaliation CD, 4 years after Louis CK did it on his CD. DC also stole 2 other bits from him for the same CD. He has also stolen jokes from Jim Breuer, Joe Rogan, and Emo Phillips, and not just jokes, entire 10 minute monologues.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Dane Cook would never steal jokes. He's so funny! Why would he need to? A talented comedian would not break the comedian's code like that. I think you're thinking of Carlos Mencia.
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I’m like an American princess. - Paris Hilton
I have things no heiress has. I've done it all on my own. Like a hustler. - Paris Hilton
DC was actually pretty funny until he sold out and hopped the ho train to d-bag town and started doing hideous movies with people like Jessica Simpson and Kate Hudson.
*****"Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers."*****
Submitted by Mr. President on August 12, 2008 - 7:40pm.
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Well if he stole jokes from someone like Mitch Hedberg, people would have skinned him alive...
"I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too"
you can't steal shit like that, lol.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia should star in a movie: "I tell Steve Martin jokes... badly"... then Joe Rogan can kill them in the end.... i'd go to the theatre for that
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"Thought of you as my mountain top.
Thought of you as my peak.
Thought of you as everything,
I've had but couldn't keep."
Kindly add Zac Effron to the list.
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Fashion is art that you wear - L.G.
Fred Phelps and Pat Robinson can go on the douchebag list too.. or am I thinking of the pious asshole list instead? Maybe it's a dual membership...
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
@TV
You're right, he did steal all of his jokes from Louis CK. Why hasn't he been sued for that yet!?!?
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 9:34pm.
Wow, I didn't know that he stole jokes. He could at least have the decency to steal FUNNY jokes.
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"I think we'll need some more FBI guys."
Joel Madden's the King of the Douches, and Spencer Pratt's his Lady in Waiting. Dane's definitely in the Royal Court, though.
Technically, John Edwards is a "horse's ass."
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 7:34pm.
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Will do, thanks!
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 6:26pm.
Dane's in the running for King Douche along with Ashton Kutcher, Criss Angel, Justin TImberlame , P. Diddy and Kanye West. Did I miss anyone?
Shia? (Sorry, Dee and Evil)
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 7:32pm.
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And they'll get a few male enhancement commercials too, because you know that the Douchebag in Chief will need that shit.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:30pm.
Hey Frito!
Google "Dane Cook joke thief". Enjoy the 188,000 results, the vast majority of which have actual proof.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by jussayin on August 12, 2008 - 7:30pm.
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Every time you think the list is complete, another douche shows up...
Here's more...
Kid Rock, Joel and Benji Madden, Jimmy Fallon, Tommy Lee, Brett Michaels
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
When the King Douche is crowned, he will get to star in his very own Massengill commercial! For men! It's time they talked about these very personal things too.
DC used to be not so douchey. My cousin-in-law grew up in the same town (Arlington) as he did and they dated for awhile.
However, he was too high maintenence & spastic. She dumped him and is now happily married to someone else.
He's not so funny and his movies blow.
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She's flat and that's that!
Hey TV! Wow, I didn't pay enough attention to Cook to know that he was an unoriginal douche.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:26pm.
Submitted by jussayin on August 12, 2008 - 7:21pm.
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Dane's in the running for King Douche along with Ashton Kutcher, Criss Angel, Justin TImberlame , P. Diddy and Kanye West. Did I miss anyone?
...K-Fed, Spencer, John Mayer, and John Edwards....
...the douche list just never ends. it's a damn douche convention!
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think of the chilfren!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inventions_in_the_Muslim_world
This movie will be go straight to DVD. Just based on the poster, it's another piece of shit like "Employee of the Month".
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I didn’t say that it was your fault – I said that I was going to blame you.
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Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:26pm.
JOHN MAYER!!! King of Douchebags!
Pardon me, but which one is Dane Cook?
Actually, nevermind. I really don't care.
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Fashion is art that you wear - L.G.
He actually took enough time off from stealing Louis CK's jokes to steal the idea for a top ten list from Letterman? At least he's an equal opportunity talentless hack.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by jussayin on August 12, 2008 - 7:21pm.
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Dane's in the running for King Douche along with Ashton Kutcher, Criss Angel, Justin TImberlame , P. Diddy and Kanye West. Did I miss anyone?
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
I love this poster. I think it's very tasteful and well-done. Dane Cook is so funny, and I'm willing to bet he and Kate have palpable chemistry. Palpable. I'll be sitting fourth row center on opening night, I tell you that.
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I’m like an American princess. - Paris Hilton
I have things no heiress has. I've done it all on my own. Like a hustler. - Paris Hilton
WOW! This moron had all the time he wanted to come up with those 10 reasons, and that shit is all his comedic mind could come up with? He is pathetic. He is only famous because brain dead, beer pickled college, frat date rapists need a God to worship. Once again, Dane Cook in the worst bomb of the year. Idiots in Hollywood keep allowing this neanderthal to make movies and the few employed fans he has actually keep going to these pieces of embarrassing trash. Whatever!
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:20pm.
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 7:12pm.
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Well at least now there is an easy way to tell if a guy is a douche bag or not...
Does he like Dane Cook? Yes? DOUCHEBAG!
...is he Dane Cook? DOUBLE DOUCHEBAG!!
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think of the chilfren!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inventions_in_the_Muslim_world
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 7:12pm.
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Well at least now there is an easy way to tell if a guy is a douche bag or not...
Does he like Dane Cook? Yes? DOUCHEBAG!
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
I bet the poster is thinking the hate is mutual anyway.
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think of the chilfren!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inventions_in_the_Muslim_world
If nothing else, Kate Hudson's finally getting the co-stars she deserves.
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:03pm.
Haha, no, his name was Ben. And I'm amazed I managed 6 months... we lived in different cities about 30 minutes away from each other so I think I just saw his "good" side, and it was mediocre at best! Much like Dane Cook's movies. Well, I'm being generous.
three of the worst hollywood box office bombers together. It's got to finally be a hit for them.
psych.
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Blogs aren't for the sensitive at heart - FU
I'm NOT an economist, I'm an optimist. GW Bush
Dane is a couple of D-movies away from bathing in a Burger King sink.
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 6:59pm
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Holy shit! Your guy's name wasn't Cale, was it? He didn't have his DL signed though. I don't think I could have gone 6 months with a Dane Cook worshipper.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Frito, we may have dated the same guy... I had a BF for about 6 months who went to a show and got him to autograph the back of his driver's license (where a witness can sign). He fucking worshiped him and showed his driver's license to EVERYONE he met like he and Dane Cook were best buds or something. My ex was such a douche, he ruined any residual funniness Dane Cook may have had... which wasn't much.
Not him! I swear! His picture does appear below:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=14207839
Offshore drilling RE: Paris Hilton was my all time fav. The anti-McCain hos at my luncheon even snorted out Sprite over that one.
Ahhhh....isn't hating on Dane Cook therapeutic?
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"Someday we'll all be gone but lullabies go on and on...they never die, that's how you and I will be..." -Billy Joel
Dane Cook is the most unfunny comedian out there. I dated a guy who worshipped this douche. That relationshit (typo, I'm keeping it) lasted all of two weeks and I had to endure 5 seconds of one of this guy's acts. It was torture. I wanted to kill this asshole.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Thanks Gonnaburn. You know, your avie sort of looks like Dane Cook. And you even have his nickname written across his chest.
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"I think we'll need some more FBI guys."
he's the poor man's unfunny version of a douche!
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"Stanley, that better be me you're having sex with"
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Submitted by Gonnaburn... on August 12, 2008 - 7:45pm.
Tiger- The prize was 100 copies of "Employee of the Month" and 100 copies of "Good Luck Chuck." See aren't you glad you cracked?
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AHAHAHAHA! Oh what a delicious cruel prank that would be!
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by Mr. President on August 12, 2008 - 8:46pm.
You so fuuunny!
The worst part of the photoshop job on this poster is that they forgot to erase Dane Cook's face and name.
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"I think we'll need some more FBI guys."
OMG, I love that his new name is Winter Solstice. He's gonna be my new bitch.
Wait, who has drugs and booze?????????
Oh yeah, me.
xo
Kevin Clamato Juice (Click it, bitches! My official myspace)
Tiger- The prize was 100 copies of "Employee of the Month" and 100 copies of "Good Luck Chuck." See aren't you glad you cracked?
1) Being Dane Cook.
I like my list better.
They could have called the movie:
DoucheFest: Douches playing douches doing douchey things.
♥ ThreadKilla! / Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can only find pictures of the girl twin.
What's the prize? *paw over tiger lips*...DOOOOOOOUUUUUCHE! Aw, fuck!! I hope the prize wasn't something good like drugs or booze...
:-(
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Haha. I just commented his blog on his myspace. Actually, this is a bad photoshop job. I think I agree with Dane. Anyway, how are you motherfucks? Blossoming down under, I hope.
xo
Kevin Clamato Juice (Click it, bitches! My official myspace)