Dane Cook Really Hates His Movie Poster
Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.
He lost me when he said his "left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina." First of all, it's BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney's delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from "American Pie" is holding.
The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook's skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it's fine.
Dane's 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream "douche" while saying it and you'll get a prize. JUMP!!
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.4. Lips:
It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"7. Hair:
It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Did you scream douche? If you didn't, your prize is a tube of Maybelline's Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick in apricot. Buy yourself one at your local Rite-Aid and send me the bill.
ShareThis
Dane Cook wouldn't know funny even if it were someone else's joke he could steal and claim as his own. His pathetic attempts at cynicism and jaded irony make me want to buy a bag of oranges just to whip him in the face with it.
Plus, he thinks he's cute, which makes him 100% more annoying. I'd really like for Joe Rogan to drop kick him or something.
/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\
Boats n' Hoes, gotta have me my boats n' hoes.
www.myspace.com/dreamhypnotique
I, too, must vote DOUCHE.
it's actually group doucheness all over the poster. I also want to add that it looks very gay...
ps Rite Aid pissed me off and I don't shop there anyway....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
think of the chilfren!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inventions_in_the_Muslim_world
he can't be a douche, college kids love him.
what the hell is wrong wid todays yutes?
He should be kissing the feet of the casting director for even being CONSIDERED for a movie with his ugly unfunny ass....
**********************************************
"Someday we'll all be gone but lullabies go on and on...they never die, that's how you and I will be..." -Billy Joel
HE IS SUCH A FREAKING DOUCHE!!! (Sorry MK; I fail)
**********************************************
"Someday we'll all be gone but lullabies go on and on...they never die, that's how you and I will be..." -Billy Joel
Damn man if I had to FUCK a PIE on camera I better be on the A-list for at least for a couple of years. ITt's gotta suck doing that and having a third rate career, hell even Paris Hilton has a better "career" then this dude.
While that poster is *really* bad, he should be grateful that he even lands movie roles.
Alec Baldwin is the only thing in this movie worth promoting and he's not even on the poster. Stupid.
**********************
"I think we'll need some more FBI guys."
Submitted by Salem13 on August 12, 2008 - 8:17pm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apple pie, bouquets, it's all the same to him. I think people actually mean it when they say "He will fuck anything."
It looks like Jason is fuckin the bouquet.
O dear.
Well, he had me up until number 9.
Then it sank like the Titanic.
hearts; ThreadKilla! / Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can only find pictures of the girl twin.
We just lost Bernie Mac and yet Douche Cook still lives :(
------------------------------------------------
Gary Busey is a poet too?? Now, that's a real man!!
Submitted by Two Drink Min on August 12, 2008 - 8:06pm.
Um, I am really frightened of his knowledge of Maybeline and Marie Osmond dolls. Really frightened.
Well, ever noticed how Dane's only seen out on the town with women when he has something to promote? That's all I'll say, as it's just a suspicion.
Submitted by Two Drink Min on August 12, 2008 - 8:06pm.
Um, I am really frightened of his knowledge of Maybeline and Marie Osmond dolls. Really frightened.
Well, ever noticed how Dane's only seen out on the town with women when he has something to promote? That's all I'll say, as it's just a suspicion.
This fucktard should be glad he's able to get work. Shit; I'm funnier than he is.
Submitted by Euphoria on August 12, 2008 - 7:59pm.
Dane needs a tall, hot, steaming Irish coffee mug of Shut the Fuck Up!
I second that emotion!
********
Gimme some sugar!
I am not understanding how that fucktard's face looks like brit brit's vagina. I think they photoshopped it too much and sliced part of his fat face off.
visit my blog if you are bored:
http://nocheezplease.blogspot.com/
That poster is really bad. OTOH, Dane Cook should thank his lucky whatevers that he even has a movie career.
********
Gimme some sugar!
Um, I am really frightened of his knowledge of Maybeline and Marie Osmond dolls. Really frightened.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
passing on my Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick:
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHE
bag hollywood cornhole licker.
I lol'd those points. Not because Dane Cook is a douche (does he not flaunt that title proudly?) but because the descriptions of the poster really and TRULY are accurate! That movie poster does NOT get the photoshop awards! LOLOLOLOL WORST MOVIE POSTER EVER!!!! *dies laughing* wth happened to hudson's arm and shoulder?! Is there an invisible wall there?!
I used to actually think he was cute and a bit funny. That's all gone to shit. ALL movie posters look wonky. That's the funny thing about 'em. Everyone is airbrushed beyond belief and they all look retarded.
Dane needs to take that stick out of his ass and shove it in his mouth...or at least in the keys of his keyboard. I wish MySpace would die already.
I thought it was Ben (AFLAC) Affleck..lol
He isn't even funny!
It is funny what love can make you do: KATE AND ALEC.
looking at that poster is the vanilla movie version of nails on chalkboard
Truth. I thought he was funny at first. But then I realized he was just a new age Andrew Dice Clay. And he makes the shittiest movies that money can buy.
♥ ThreadKilla! / Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can only find pictures of the girl twin.
She looks beautiful and sexy. I saw her profile on milllionaire&celeb personals site """"C e l e b C u p i d.c o m""""""last week. It is said she is dating young billionaire on that site.
Said in my best Cartman voice, "Look, it's Alec Baldwin!" LOL!
He's got a point: that is a Photoshop disaster for the ages. If your actors are too busy/lazy/important to pose for marketing materials, at least shoot them using the same lighting and at the same resolution. These three don't even look like their pictures were taken in the same country, let alone the same room.
And a pro tip: don't squish their heads so badly that they look like reconstructions of car accident victims.
Dane needs a tall, hot, steaming Irish coffee mug of Shut the Fuck Up!
Why the fuck are ANY of them STILL making movies?
oh good lord, what a douche!
He's an unfunny douche who needs a box of tampons inserted into his mouth.
--------------------------------------
I am Mexican and and I do think Michael Bay's "Transformers" is racist.