Open Post: Hosted By The Empress Of Lucite
Okay whores, there's a laaaaaady in our presence so curtsy and don't bring up any nasty shit! You can only talk about the finer things in life, because the Empress of Lucite's pure eyes and ears must remain innocent. Okay, if you're going to rant about grossness, then preface it with the word "elegant." Here's an example: "Ewww! I just dropped the most elegant menstrual raisin." By the way, I didn't drop a period raisin. My friend wrote that to me on AIM. I don't even want to know... But I am sure I've pushed out a period nugget at least once in my life. The things that come out of there...
Shauna Sand's dick bag ex-husband and Fabio are crashing this post, so just ignore them. But before you do that, is one of Fabio's hos Amanda from Momma's Boys? I can't fucking tell, but I think it might be. After you examine that, rant away! Anything goes in this thread.
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Dear Michael K.,
I nominate The Energizer Bunny and/or Charlie the Tuna for Open Post Host one o' deez days. E-Bunny is still a crack addict no doubt and Charlie has got to be a strung out drunken has-been by now stinkin' up public places. Perfect for weekend host! :)
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
EvilShoe & malaknajla,
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That's what I thought too but I wasn't sure. I think of a raisin as wizened up and dehydrated though...and chunky period clots are...well...moist and gelatinous.
*ick, I wrote that*
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Hmmm...I think by period raisin you must mean that small piece of coagulated blood+tissue that sometimes comes out...
Submitted by on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 2:43am.
Michael K., wtf is a period raisin? You can't throw that shit out without some kind of explanation damnit!
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Here is something I never thought I would physically type online.
Period clot
Michael K., wtf is a period raisin? You can't throw that shit out without some kind of explanation damnit!
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 2:26am.
I was out of town that week.
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Uh-huh and supposedly Mary didn't do anything with her little lamb either and that other Mary...quite contrary was really playing with cockle shells and not cock.
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Submitted by on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 2:22am.
I was out of town that week.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 2:17am.
hehehe
I blame Jack Daniels! That bastard!
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Ha! So does Jill who came down the hill with a buck and a quarter and a raging case of crabs. Sadness.
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Submitted by on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 2:15am.
hehehe
I blame Jack Daniels! That bastard!
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Vany, if every match-maker had to be accountable for every person they ever set-up...well... Johnny Walker has some 'splainin' to do then.
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Tits, keep one of those SARS surgical masks handy and quickly put it on and sound like you're coughing up a lung when your annoying neighbor is around.
Seriously though. That's a hard one if you are the polite type and hate to ruffle feathers...I mean...ya gotta nip it in the bud one way or another though without making life hell for you in the building. :\
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 2:03am.
You didn't make either of their decisions for them though, right? I'm assuming that they're both consenting adults? Always a bad idea to date someone at work and try to have a career there, ALWAYS.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
_Listen, I workt with both. I AM Blamed for her dating him aND fucking him, aND YES I was gong h0h about it. No biggie. sorry, peeps....
my drunk ass is going to bed...
Submitted by TITS on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:56am.
kidding, made me LOL though.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Submitted by TITS on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:56am.
Sometimes, you just have to humor the less fortunate. Note that I'm talking to you.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
So are we playing dear abby tonight?
I have a problem I'd like to throw out to the assembly!
Small apt building. Only 8 untis. Woman across hall is 'simple' and a very slow talker. EVERY FUCKING TIME I SEE her she has to talk to me. Not a 'hello how are you' as you walk past each other but long slooooooow drawn out insipid questions.
Lived here 3 years and she hasn't got the message.
I've done the 'excuse me'. Earphones 'taps ear mouths can't hear you'. Ignore. State that I'm only trying to get home, do you mind?
Nada.
Sadly once or twice I've been in a good mood (shutup) and spoken to her of my own volition.
I've tried being as rude as I can to someone I'll have to see regularly, but am at a loss how to get her to leave me the fuck alone.
When coming up the back stairs I know stop and look under the door frame to see if she's lurking before coming up. I also listen at my door before opening and look through the peep hole to see if she's loitering in the hall.
Sometimes she even sits in one of the guest chairs in the lobby area for no reason.
Any non-rude suggestions?
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Sketti Cat F.T.W!!!!!
Submitted by TITS on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:34am.
I meant comparatively speaking.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:32am.
Being the sane one is tough.
*
hand slapped over mouth
snot spittles fly out nose from snort.
hee hee hee
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Sketti Cat F.T.W!!!!!
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:27am.
I think she's having a hard time accepting that she was just a fling. You're just trying to be a friend, which usually gets both parties to hate you. Being the sane one is tough.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:27am.
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Tell that ho "You know what, I was wrong, you are absolutely right, he is madly in love with you". Then grab the pop corn and watch the fireworks...
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Let me dirty up your mind.
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:27am.
I'm confussed.
Which one wants to break up (m or f?) and which one is your friend?
ps a 40 year old man who still goes to frat crap stuff? *eye roll* *eye roll again*
edit - think i've got it, the friend is the f? and YOU think they should break up?
Shit if they've been best friends for 3 years tell her to ask what his 'intentions' are . I feel that's what dear abby would say.
Seriously, if he has no intention of a serious long term relationship after knowing her that well for that long, fuck him. She'll get that unless she's as lazy as I am when it comes to these things.
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Sketti Cat F.T.W!!!!!
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:22am.
If you're not right you're always funny. Win Win.
Seriously in over 20 years of working I have NEVER seen a office romance break up well. EVER. Not once.
The really fun ones to watch are the married working couples. oy! Once worked at a firm that had 2 married couples and one long term live in couple. Man you had to walk on tiptoes gossiping about that lot! And there was a lot to gossip about.
Speaking of which - where the hell is devil girl and the small town story she promised to tell!
*stamps foot ala mock sonkey*
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Sketti Cat F.T.W!!!!!
Oh LOry and TV, it is not me...really! The story is this and I do not know how to help my friend You can think is me) ANYHOW, they have been best friends for 3 years, about 3 months ago, he started kissing her and telling her all this crap about how we wanted her and cared for her, she eventually gave in (my advice although she said she said he was full of shit was to go ahead), well, he broke many dates aafter they started going out, althout he claims it is cause of his sport or his fraternity. He is in his 40s so I told her that imho he is not that into her, so now she blames me for telling her to care. Do you think I fucked up or know how I can help my friend. She thinks am crazy about him not being into her and thinks am "jeluz". I am to old for this shit but any help is appreciated.
Submitted by TITS on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:14am.
wait! I was right? File this under "Blind Squirrel Finds Acorn".
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Tits, your bagel needs some cold-smoked lox!
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
M.K. gave us a female host! Yayyyyyy. Damn. I missed a lot today.
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"O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy." -England's greatest one-armed poet.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 1:03am.
I concur whole heartedly.
Find new job, then break it off.
Your 'friends' gf will be the wronged one. Think Aniston. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm weary.
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Sketti Cat F.T.W!!!!!
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 12:55am.
I'd check whether an employer is allowed to prohibit intra-office dating (I think not). Then I'd firmly and forever break up. Finally, I'd try to get reassigned, at least down the hall.
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 12:55am.
After 3 years, if you decide to end the relationship with the person in the next cubicle, your first step should be to update the old resume. This will not end well.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Submitted by vanyvrgs on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 12:55am.
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Your friend should put a brochure of a Satanic Church with handwritten meeting dates among his stuff in a way that his lady "finds" it. Next thing he knows he will be single. No drama, no questions asked.
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Let me dirty up your mind.
_Not that anyone cares but, hypothetically, if you are dating your best friend at work and it is not working out, basically, if after 3 years, this person is your co worker and you work in the next cubicle and you know it ain't working (and if you are caught you will both be fired) How do you break up and what would you do? Ok, my friend asked....I do not think he wants to break up and was hoping for some help. Yep that is the story...
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 11:17pm.
I totally know what you mean! I have a *ahem* freind you says..."I love children as long as they're tasty....".
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Yeah, that Hansel & Gretal Recipe Book has some tasty shit for you, TL...uh..I mean your "friend." There's this delicious recipe where you take a...well, never mind.
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That lil' lint bastid will be back within the hour snorting your Borax with a rolled up dollar bill. Trust....TigerLilly 10.24.2008
Submitted by Sock-Monkey on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 11:00pm.
Submitted by mike on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 10:12pm.
When people ask me if I have or want kids, I always tell them I'm more of a dog person.
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LOL! I have a friend who always says..."I love children...as long as they go home to OTHER people!"
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I totally know what you mean! I have a *ahem* freind you says..."I love children as long as they're tasty....".
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by mike on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 10:12pm.
When people ask me if I have or want kids, I always tell them I'm more of a dog person.
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LOL! I have a friend who always says..."I love children...as long as they go home to OTHER people!"
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That lil' lint bastid will be back within the hour snorting your Borax with a rolled up dollar bill. Trust....TigerLilly 10.24.2008
She stole Fabio's hairstyle.
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I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Soo...all week I've had Dr. Dre's "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." stuck in my head...it was a rough week. I finally googled it and found this loverly article: http://www.feministing.com/archives/008988.html Clearly sally (what I call everyone) is off her rocker because I actually think we all will sell our last asshole for a few bottles of boons and something shiny...but I still can't get that song out of my head.
Submitted by FritoDorito on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 10:12pm.
Hello hello hello hos
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FRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIITOOOOOOOOOOO! IN DA HOUSE...
You lesser Dlisted trash bow down....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Hello hello hello hos
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"This is why I beat hookers" - Tig from Sons of Anarchy
Submitted by lazee on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:54pm.
I have no desire for kids. My biological clock is on digital - it doesn't tick.
When people ask me if I have or want kids, I always tell them I'm more of a dog person.
Submitted by Mrs.Kravitz on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:57pm.
Awesome! *cybersmooch* Shanks, shweetheart!
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Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists.
Submitted by Sugaroo on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:53pm
HEY, I'M OVER IT, POOKIE!!!!!!
It's just that most people tell me I am the most sarcastic person they ever met...and I take great pride in that.
It's the New Yorker in me.
OK so here's the recipe, doll. I tore it out of the September 2000 issue of Cooking Light (eight years ago)so I thought I was gonna have to type the whole friggin thing out, but I actually found it on the interwebs!! How cool is that?!?!?
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&...
Life is sweet.
cyberkisses and hugs.
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To me, when the jiz is not quite right, alarm bells start to ring.
I have no desire for kids. My biological clock is on digital - it doesn't tick.
What are you sex hookers talking about???? It better be either, sexy times, booze, drugs, or poop...Otherwise you whores are officially unoffically off-topic...Oh, but you can talk about delicious delecacies (sp?) such as Slim Jims, Funions, Mother's Circus Cookies, Now And Laters...and Blueberry Slushies....,etc., etc....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by Mrs.Kravitz on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:48pm.
Submitted by Sugaroo on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:46pm.
Okie dokie but in return you have to promise to never ever accuse me of not knowing sarcasm when I see it. That hurt me deeply.
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That was awful of me and I'm sorry.
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Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists.
Submitted by Sugaroo on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:46pm.
Okie dokie but in return you have to promise to never ever accuse me of not knowing sarcasm when I see it. That hurt me deeply.
:)
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To me, when the jiz is not quite right, alarm bells start to ring.
I saw Carrot Top in Vegas last month. He was very funny. I got the tickets at half price and was in the 3rd row.
Submitted by Mrs.Kravitz on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:45pm.
Red lentil burger? Recipe? Please?
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Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists.
Submitted by Sugaroo on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:39pm.
I am childless by choice. I do feel that maternal tug and a sense of regret every now and then, but I feel I did the right thing. It's all good.
♥
Now I am off to make red lentil burgers.
HAHAHAHA, Pudge will say "Where's the beef?"
He can't imagine a meal without meat.
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To me, when the jiz is not quite right, alarm bells start to ring.
Penn and Teller are on "Don't Forget The Lyrics" and they have that roided up orange haired freak Carrottop as one of their back ups.
Why would anyone want to be friends with Carrottop? Seriously??
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http://hesterprinesworld.blogspot.com/
A place for book lovers and free thinkers.
Submitted by Mrs.Kravitz on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 9:38pm.
Well, 3 kids can tire a woman out very easily.
Not that I would know.
I am barren.
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I'm not sure what to say to that except I'm sorry. That must be very difficult for you.
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Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists.