The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson On Vanity Fair...Yes, Vanity Fair
Again, I repeat, Vanity FAIR. More like Vanity FAIL. The hos at Vanity Fair must all have squeaky clean asses, because Papa Joe probably had to lick every last one of them off in order to get his little froglet on the cover. And IN THIS ECONOMY, I'm surprised Vanity Fair took Jessica Simpson on. How many copies of Photoshop, how many pairs of Spanx and how many gallons of liquid foundation did it take to put this mess together? Not since the Pyramids were built....
I mean, homegirl is pinched, sucked and airbrushed to DEATH. They probably had to have an oxygen tank on the set, because Jess couldn't fucking breath. And by "oxygen tank," I mean Papa Joe's mouth. Ugh.
The article that goes along with these works of Photoshop art is kind of hilarious. The dude says shit like:
"Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her. She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of—it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?"
And he adds:
"As an actress, she's slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three's Company."
WAIT. Is he downing the legendary Jenilee Harrison?! Jenilee has more talent in her bunion than the entire Simpson family combined! I mean, did he ever witness her genius as Jamie Ewing in Dallas?! He needs to issue an apology and eat his fingers.
You can read the entire interview at VF. I can't wait to see who July's cover ho will be. I'm thinking either Heidi Montag or the skank with the pussy on her face from For Love of Ray J.
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GAWD -- I just hate when they try and sugar coat a piece of shit ... dressing up a talentless hag and trying to pass her off as an old-school starlet make me wanna barf. Cancel my subscription to VF PRONTO!
Vanity Fair gets desperate every now and then. I remember when they had Paris Hilton on the cover back when she was engaged to that other Paris ho. Jessica Simpson's career is DEAD and this is just a sad attempt by Papa Joe to keep her relevant. in a year or so, she'll be working on a Christian album.
Everyone's talking about the pictures, no one's acknowledging how hilarious the article was!
I guess this picture is supposed to be 'classy'
http://dlisted.com/node/31889/images/jessicavf7.jpg
Looks like they took January Jones' legs and pasted them on.
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"There's always more. That's what more means."
yeah photoshop barfed all over her.
Overrated HO!. I guess that blondhair and white skin does open lots of doors and zippers!
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"Dying is only worth it, if you have something to live for..."
To compare Jessica Simpson to Marilyn Monroe or even Anna Nicole Smith is preposterous, because both of those ladies were absolutely gorgeous whether thin or large. It didn't matter what they wore, they always fared better than whatever put on them.
Jessica's whole deal is she was a pretty girl, not gorgeous, that went and got spanxed, botoxed, nip/tucked within an inch of her life by Hollywood and now she has to be Photoshopped to hotness.
She seriously just needs to call it a day and turn her act to the night...
and the corners
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The line between sex and society is so fine and blurred... even Amy Winehouse wouldn't snort it.
http://www.myspace.com/triston
Also, VF lost a lot of love in my book when they stopped using the Michael Lutin Plantetarium astrology column. Look this man up if you're into that shit.
Not to show my age, but I saved all the vanity fairs since they came back in the 80's. Lost them all in a fire. Point is, they started out (again) trying to be all about the arts. It was a wonderful, intelligent look at the better arts (not Hollywood, tho I love my gossip too.) As for JS, I feel sorry for the girl. She too stupid to know her own father has been whoring our for years. Love Michael K forever!!!
ugh! shes a walking talking marshmellow! AND shes FAT!
Vanity Fair sucks. How stupidly rude of them, even if it is Jessica Simpson. Obviously there are no gentlemen at Vanity Fair.
And yet I'd bet Graydogface would welcome her at the Waverly Inn, any day. Hypocrite.
Submitted by lizardo911 on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 10:15pm.
I can't stand this cunt.
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My sentiments exactly.
i am not a fan but she looks pretty
I'm usually not a fan, but all I can say about that cover is DAYUM!
I can't stand this cunt.
Wardrobe from the Obfuscation Collection.
Submitted by EastEndGirl on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 9:54pm.
i'll discuss my problems if you wanna discuss yours, but we should move to the open post... fuckin' topic police...
...just for kicks
OT: i don't care
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"We play the game,
with the bravery of being out of range."
ESE,
Sorry to hear that doll. What's going on?
I have my incredibly inept bf who needs to hand in his man card. Doesn't understand why sex is needed more than twice a week.
Fail!!
Submitted by EastEndGirl on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 9:48pm.
hi, EEG!!!
having an incredibly shitty day/night/life... how are you?
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"We play the game,
with the bravery of being out of range."
ESE,
Hiya! So nice to read you.
The couch is lonely.
O/T...I like tuna.
Submitted by gmrjr59 on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 9:31pm.
She seems deceit and loving.
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She's too stupid for deceit.
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The pair of moobs that makes a cameo at the 0:45 second was an interesting surprise - MK
Submitted by gmrjr59 on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 9:31pm.
She is indeed deceit(ful). Didja mean "decent"?
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
Don't understand the Jessica bashing. She seems deceit and loving. I like her voice and I find her movies cute. Being on a magazine cover shouldn't count as gossip.
"Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her."
of course, wine calms the DT's
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"We play the game,
with the bravery of being out of range."
Ribbet.
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The pair of moobs that makes a cameo at the 0:45 second was an interesting surprise - MK
Vanity Fair has never been as good since Tina Brown left, imho
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Looks fabulous in thumbnail 5, from the neck down...
I can't hate on her either. I just want to know why it is that she can't keep her mouth closed. And I don't mean that she's always yapping--- it's like she physically can't do it.
Submitted by One-trick Pony on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 8:02pm.
I can't hate Jessica. TSG doesn't have her mugshot in its archives. The cops haven't found coke in her pants. She didn't get pregnant on a whim, then hand off her baby to a nanny. I'm not a fan of her music, I've never seen her act, and I certainly don't think she's an intellectual (failing to remember the lyrics to her own songs doesn't help her cause there). Oh, and I find her dad creepy as hell and her sister completely insufferable. BUT, Jessica seems like a decent person who's kind to her fans. She grew up in the public eye, said and did some stupid shit, but ... relative to Lindsay, Paris, Britney, etc., who all have even less discernible talent, sub-par looks, and putrid moral character, well ... I'll say it again: I can't hate Jessica. I'd even go so far as to say I wish her happiness.
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I agree. I don't think she's particularly talented in most areas--I think she has probably as good of a voice as many of the pop stars out now, but the WAY she sings is kind of insufferable. But I can't hate her. She seems kind of pathetic and like she really wants to be happy but is trying too hard and ruining it for herself.
Anyway who cares if she gets a little chub. She just doesn't get styled appropriately for it. Also, she really has nice skin and looks better without makeup, so they probably didn't have to airbrush her face too much. Her body? Who knows.
Jessica Simpson had a spread (ouu!) in VF about 4 ago maybe, when she was married to Nick Lachey. Nicer pix. (Couldn't find them in the VF archives)
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J'aime ton dos quand tu dors sur le ventre
J'aime ton ventre quand tu dors sur le dos
J'apprécie aussi ceci côte-ci, mais remontre-moi
Cela côte-là.
Why? Just...why? I mean with all the stars in the world why in hell would anybody put her on the cover of VANITY FAIR?!? VF is classy and classic and now this fucktard will be waiting for me in my mailbox. Giselle last month, now this ho. Who's dick did Pappa Joe have to suck to pull this off?
P.S. Loooveee the quote from the writer..."What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?" HIGHlarious.
Submitted by mslewis on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:21pm.
Oh, Vanity Fair, how far thee have fallen!! Jessica Simpson on the cover!! Oh My Lord!!
You took the words right out of my mouth! They're like US with better photographers and some big words.
Every single picture, (except the photoshopped to hell and back cover), is designed to conceal the "not fatness'.
Big robe, check. Laying on the floor with no skin below the neck showing, check. Dark tailored suit shot in black and white, check. In the two shots with the white top with the fucked up sleeves, the first one has half of her arm covered by the sleeve, and the second one, half of her arm was painted black.
She has NO talent in any of her chosen genres. She couldn't be bothered to work hard enough to actually learn her lines or the words to the songs she sang. She's dumber than dirt. She's cute in a slutty kind of way. Why in fuck is she on Vanity Fair's cover?
Whew! I feel a bit better.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Oops. Double post. Sorry. Got a jumpy finger.
P.S. I'll take Jessica's parted lips over Lohan's finger biting any day.
I can't hate Jessica. TSG doesn't have her mugshot in its archives. The cops haven't found coke in her pants. She didn't get pregnant on a whim, then hand off her baby to a nanny. I'm not a fan of her music, I've never seen her act, and I certainly don't think she's an intellectual (failing to remember the lyrics to her own songs doesn't help her cause there). Oh, and I find her dad creepy as hell and her sister completely insufferable. BUT, Jessica seems like a decent person who's kind to her fans. She grew up in the public eye, said and did some stupid shit, but ... relative to Lindsay, Paris, Britney, etc., who all have even less discernible talent, sub-par looks, and putrid moral character, well ... I'll say it again: I can't hate Jessica. I'd even go so far as to say I wish her happiness.
Submitted by Stock Broker on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 7:44pm.
Tigerlilly ~ I consider Blohan the new Anna Nicole Smith. She's got the f**ked up mom, leech family....the only thing missing is the porn spread which I bet she will do.
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Well, she'll need to go fat then, a'member now, when Anna Nicole got all skinny is when her show tanked. Yep, a skinny drunken/drugged up mess can't hold a candle to a drunken/drug up fat mess...A'member how Anna usta get all fucked up then make her a 'fat girl white trash buffet' right outta her 'fridge??? Yeah, I can see Jess going there, but Blohan? Not so much....Now will Blohan make herself a 'skinny girl white trash buffet' out of her medicine cabinet? Absolutely!Will that be entertaining? You betcha! Will it top raiding the 'fridge? Nope. You know why? Peeps could relate to gorging on food even if they couldn't relate to Anna's drinking and druggin'...Blohan will need the food addiction to attract chubby viewers...It's just true...
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Tigerlilly ~ I consider Blohan the new Anna Nicole Smith. She's got the f**ked up mom, leech family....the only thing missing is the porn spread which I bet she will do.
Submitted by SpiceDong on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:57pm.
It is very well documented that MM was what is considered today to be a size 12 (at least on the hips and bust). But she had a true hour glass figure because her waist was only 23" which she made even smaller by wearing impossibly tight dresses that were sewn onto her. Her dresses still remain as proof of this.
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That's what I pictured her as - not a size 16. Size 16 is pretty large.
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J'aime ton dos quand tu dors sur le ventre
J'aime ton ventre quand tu dors sur le dos
J'apprécie aussi ceci côte-ci, mais remontre-moi
Cela côte-là.
I don't think Jess is fat...In fact, I don't think she's fat enough! I'd LURVE to see her as an out of control pill poppin' fat ass with a new reality show on E!...The next Anna Nicole Smith...I'd LOVE THAT! I know it's wrong, but I miss me some ANS...:-(... and Daddy Spears won't let Shitney play the role she was BORN to play, so I'm keepin' me tiger fingers crossed....Go Jess!
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
The check that Daddy Simpson wrote to Vanity Fair must have had ALOT of commas.
She looks prettier here than I've seen her in a long time. Very flattering. I'm no photoshop expert so I cant comment on the amount of touching up. I wish somebody would touch me up (oops! that didnt come out right)
Ok, so she's nowhere near fat, but MK and everyone else calling her fat just cracks me up. I know I'm going to hell.
I just renewed my subscription because they have realllly interesting articles. But her...on the cover? WTF.
She's always got this look on her face like someone just insulted her and she's trying to kill them with her eyeballs.
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:19pm.
You can call her "fat" (she's no waif), "stupid" (duh!), annoying, talentless, etc., etc., but the girl has got a face that can sink a thousand ships.
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In her saliva, right? I keed, I keed! She's a purty gurl:)
♥ ThreadKilla!
"So, I'm sorry - but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours: it's not our fault," she said...That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears!~Chris Rock
Submitted by Manimal5 on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:58pm.
"smart like a tractor". Ha ha ha!
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Submitted by Seen around London on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:54pm.
So I drive 70 miles to a decent news agent....
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Why??? I only read if the cable is disconnected or if there is a centerfold in the middle. Did you not pay your cable bill?
Awww Jess...plus size,blonde, nice boobs, smart like tractor....just my type of girl.
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Shhhhh! I'm not really here.
It is very well documented that MM was what is considered today to be a size 12 (at least on the hips and bust). But she had a true hour glass figure because her waist was only 23" which she made even smaller by wearing impossibly tight dresses that were sewn onto her. Her dresses still remain as proof of this.
Yes, she had periods where she got bigger due to short pregnancies, miscarriages, boozing and all the other stuff happening to her, but for most of her career her measurements where 38-23-36. You don't find a 23" inch waist these days on almost anybody (not even on women claiming to be size 4 and under. Women were constructed differently back then and clothes where engineered to showcase that: big boobs, tiny waist and generous hips.
"Honey, I've been stretching this body for years! - Blanche Devereaux
Submitted by Tracy Lynn on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:09pm.
Joe, Here is MM when she was a larger size. Still hot as ever, imo.
http://www.amoeba.com/dynamic-images/blog/Job/Marilyn-Monroe-oversized-p...
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Thanks for the link - she is a little tubbier there but so pretty. The camera does add pounds too.
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J'aime ton dos quand tu dors sur le ventre
J'aime ton ventre quand tu dors sur le dos
J'apprécie aussi ceci côte-ci, mais remontre-moi
Cela côte-là.
So I drive 70 miles to a decent news agent to get foriegn mags and get away from all these redic American chickkie celebs just to see the British ones covered with Angelina, Anuston, Scarlett, Lindsay. AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg!!!!!!!!What the fuck???It seems that Vogue Australia is the only one not obsessed with the American shit. Even Vogue India used the EXACT same pic of Anuston as the American one did. Is there any Indian women on here that wants to model themself after that shit? Am I nuts or just going nuts? Gone with all these American idiot celebs. I thought Vanity Fair is supposed to be society or WTF?