The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson On Vanity Fair...Yes, Vanity Fair
Again, I repeat, Vanity FAIR. More like Vanity FAIL. The hos at Vanity Fair must all have squeaky clean asses, because Papa Joe probably had to lick every last one of them off in order to get his little froglet on the cover. And IN THIS ECONOMY, I'm surprised Vanity Fair took Jessica Simpson on. How many copies of Photoshop, how many pairs of Spanx and how many gallons of liquid foundation did it take to put this mess together? Not since the Pyramids were built....
I mean, homegirl is pinched, sucked and airbrushed to DEATH. They probably had to have an oxygen tank on the set, because Jess couldn't fucking breath. And by "oxygen tank," I mean Papa Joe's mouth. Ugh.
The article that goes along with these works of Photoshop art is kind of hilarious. The dude says shit like:
"Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her. She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of—it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?"
And he adds:
"As an actress, she's slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three's Company."
WAIT. Is he downing the legendary Jenilee Harrison?! Jenilee has more talent in her bunion than the entire Simpson family combined! I mean, did he ever witness her genius as Jamie Ewing in Dallas?! He needs to issue an apology and eat his fingers.
You can read the entire interview at VF. I can't wait to see who July's cover ho will be. I'm thinking either Heidi Montag or the skank with the pussy on her face from For Love of Ray J.
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I never said she was fat. See she looks ok in these clothes despite the Photoshop. It's about the clothes she wears that make her look bad. She needs a stylist and even if she's a size 6/8 (supposedly) she could still look pretty good.
I would rather count the wrinkles on my dog's balls than sit on a jury.
Jessica looks great! When was the last time any of us saw someone on the cover of ANYTHING that hadn't been sucked, spanxed or air brushed to death? Never! At least she didn't tell the person doing the fucking interview she was a "size 2" like, some other fat asses have.
Fortunately, I don't believe everything I read!
@mslewis, I have no idea what they were thinking. She works cheap?
Jessica looks great, good job, except they forgot to take the little fat poofs out of her armpits!
I'm sure Marilyn bought a larger size that she had tailored in places. She was very curvy and probably needed a size 14-16 at its/her widest point but no way she was that size all over or filled a 16 completely out. I know a girl who has a size 4 top and a size 12 bottom. I don't think I'd call her a size 12 -- I'd call her that girl with the butt! And I don't believe sizing was the same then as it is now. Maybe a size 8 now is the equivalent to a size 6 then? I can't tell but I've been dragged to some vintage shops and fairs and the sizing is different -- enough that it's a better idea to try something on than go by the tags.
@ricki lake - you can be as snobby as you want but she is relevant - in fact, she dresses Jessica:
http://www.shopdashonline.com/?do=redcarpet
A lot better than Jessica ever dressed herself, that's fersure.
♥ ThreadKilla!
"So, I'm sorry - but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours: it's not our fault," she said...That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears!~Chris Rock
I fail to see what is great about her face. She has pointy eyebrows, a masculine jaw and ridiculously injected lips. Whatever.
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
Oh, Vanity Fair, how far thee have fallen!! Jessica Simpson on the cover!! Oh My Lord!!
Green, I'm so happy I cancelled my subscription months ago!! Vanity Fair is going downhill fast!! Please tell me who convinced Graydon Carter to put Jessica Simpson on the cover? Did they think they would actually sell magazines? Did they not look at how many people paid to see Jessica's last movie (I think it was 93 people in Texas)? I have a feeling they put her there for laughs but who can afford laughs in this economy.
You can call her "fat" (she's no waif), "stupid" (duh!), annoying, talentless, etc., etc., but the girl has got a face that can sink a thousand ships.
So, she totally belongs on the cover of VF, with the customary airbrushing that they ALL get.
Id rather see her on the cover of a glossy magazine than, say, my little Pony Parker.
Fuck Vanity Fair, because of the big-tittied frog, I failed to notice the "Madoffs at Play" & "An Intimate Photo Album" segments; I'll take a wild guess how VF is going to glorify their glitzy lifestyle. Hey VF editors, why don't you show intimate photos of the victims of Bernie's scheme, but I guess photos of elderly folks going back to work because they are now penniless doesn't fit into the scheme of your magazine.
Okay, now I'm finished with my rant, you can all go back to the big-tittied frog
WHY do I keep renewing my subscription to Vanity Fair?! Why? (because it's a buck an issue).
There are in fact interesting and well written articles in it. But last month they slapped Gizz Bundchen on the cover, who is as smart as an unplugged toaster. Why would they thing anybody who reads Vanity Fair would give a crap what Gizz allegedly "thinks" of anything?
Now Jessica? I'm sure she's a nice person, but she can't string a coherent sentence together without a bad script in front of her face.
"Sully" Sullenberger should be their cover boy.
Back on topic with this ho. I thought she was very pretty when she first started her career. I don't know what happened to her. Maybe she didn't age well, or the stupid started showing. I'm not sure. Now she just seems like she's turning into Britney Spears.
Joe, Here is MM when she was a larger size. Still hot as ever, imo.
http://www.amoeba.com/dynamic-images/blog/Job/Marilyn-Monroe-oversized-p...
Joe Shmoe,
There is debate on MM's ultimate largest size. Some say 14 some say 16.
Then there are others who say that sizes in her time were different than sizes are now.
MM and My grandma were the same age. I can say for certain that MM was at least a 14 at her biggest.
In the 50s, my mom was 5'4" and weighed 103 lbs. Size 7 was too big on her, and according to her, they weren't making smaller sizes like 0 and 3 back then. Or at least not in the cheaper/medium priced stores she shopped at.
My grandma was in the size 18 range, and she had big curves and a waist back in the 50s and 60s.
I'd say the size 14 and maybe even the 16, is a fairly accurate guess for MM's largest size.
I like thumbnail #4, it's looks like she is preparing to have sex with someone in order to get on the cover of a magazine.
lol Master Blaster! I guess safe sex covers paper cuts too. Never thought of it that way...
Submitted by Tracy Lynn on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 4:00pm.
UGH! Her mouth is open in every picture. At least it's supposed to open in the one where she's smiling.
Geez, close your mouth, are you trying to catch flies?
And good grief, I'd rather see Marilyn Monroe and her size 16 ass and naturally big boobays than these ugly hoes who have to be airbrushed.
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A size 16 ass on MM? You're kidding, right?
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J'aime ton dos quand tu dors sur le ventre
J'aime ton ventre quand tu dors sur le dos
J'apprécie aussi ceci côte-ci, mais remontre-moi
Cela côte-là.
I think she's a pretty girl but that 5th thumbnail is bloody awful. She looks like she's crampy.
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J'aime ton dos quand tu dors sur le ventre
J'aime ton ventre quand tu dors sur le dos
J'apprécie aussi ceci côte-ci, mais remontre-moi
Cela côte-là.
UGH! Her mouth is open in every picture. At least it's supposed to open in the one where she's smiling.
Geez, close your mouth, are you trying to catch flies?
And good grief, I'd rather see Marilyn Monroe and her size 16 ass and naturally big boobays than these ugly hoes who have to be airbrushed.
Look at marilyn. No bones poking out of her skin either:
http://dyn.ifilm.com/resize/image/imgentity/6/1/8/7/61873.jpg
The funny part is, nobody is even really talking about her being "fat" anymore. Even the tabloids seem to have moved on from that subject. And she's already lost weight anyways. I guess trotting out the "Wah, people called me fat" line is the only way she can get any attention. Boring twit.
@Tracy Lynn
I totally agree with you. This is why I sleep with only real women and not the photoshopped ones. Paper cuts.
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Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear.
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 3:20pm.
The real issue here is not whether or not Jesica Simpson is fat. I could give a pig's ass!
The real issue is why the fuck SHE is on the cover of Vanity Fair?!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thank You! Look at the cover too. What a nasty color combination. I'm tearing it off and throwing it away as soon as it gets here.
蜘龍====================龍蜘
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(='.'=)
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They can airbrush her and promote her from now till doomsday and it's not going to make her any more talented. She's done. Period.
Just look at that pose, I bet she was trying to do the Y.M.C.A. movements and couldn't keep up with the song.
Jennilee Harrison could out-act this talentless cunt anyday of the week.
Definitely photoshopped - especially her arms and all below her waist. Whoever did the photoshop did a nice job, though. I don't think these photoshop people get enough credit. Their names should appear with the photographers' names in the credits. Truly artists!
Didn't recognize her. They obviously had to use some powerful photoshoppin. Srsly, she needs to get out of the biz. Give papa Joe the finger, whatever - just give it up and find another career. Ashley, too.
'she looks amazing'!!!!!! really? so i guess the 'i am use to having my mouth open to breathe and looking dead is well......AMAZING. she is a beautiful girl, there is not doubt about that. talented? hell no. she performs at chili cook offs for fuck sakes. I COULD PROLLY GET A GIG DOING THAT. shit.
A few years ago, I bought about 100 Vogue magazines from some little old lady who was cleaning out her basement. The issues were all from the 60s.
Those women were not airbrushed to death. In one ad, there was a young woman whose facial pores were ENORMOUS. I am not kidding, they were huge and even distracting. By today's standards, she would never have been a model, or else the pores would have been airbrused into oblivion.
If these chicks today can't get surgeried up to perfection, then screw 'em. These twats can't even compete with their own airbrushed images. They are just regular hoes and some of them are plain old butt ugly hoes.
All these perfect airbrushed images just mess up our daughter's heads, because they think they have to look "airbrush" perfect, and then our men hate our floppy tittays because they haven't been perked up in the computer by some airbrush artiste. I mean, come on, has anyone seen the FHM pics of Rachel Ray? They almost even made that cow look passable/okay.
They could take any one of us here and put us through the photoshopper and we'd come out looking better than all those hoes in hollywood. And every single one of us is smarter than all the hollyweird hoes. So we'd have brains and perfect photoshoped beauty. :P
The sad part is you know Tony Romo is saying:
"Of course you look beautiful on the cover. You know I love you with your mouth open."
Back in the day I wanted to work in the women's magazine industry (my dream job would have been to work for JANE - RIP!). Instances like this (i.e. no-talent bimbos who are famous for being just that, ending up on the covers of once-reputable magazines that women are supposed to read for guidance/advice/etc.) eventually made me change my mind.
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"F*ck you Tyra Banks, Oprah, Magic Johnson, Tiger Woods, Rockefeller. F*ck you." - La Pequena Hillary Clinton, 6/17/08
Remember when to get a cover you had to DO something in the world?
besides fucking your dad and taking up air other people could use, I mean.
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Fucka doodle-do.
Got no snark - - I think she looks pretty. And not as photoshopped as a lot of these broads.
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You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel, you're fucking psychotic! ~ Veronica Sawyer
Why for the love of all that is good and holy are the same old twatfarts on magazine covers and flapping their fucking traps all over hell's half acre?
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Out. For A. Walk. Bitch.
Obviously, she went to the PDiddy school of modeling, of which the motto is: Never Close Your Mouth!
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Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear.
Submitted by Sheeps on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 3:15pm.
I just like seeing "Mom Jeans" on the cover of a respectable mag. Next: "Boot Moves."
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:-D
agreed
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Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke
a message from the Church of the SubGenius
Submitted by ricki lake on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 3:17pm.
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Yeah I agree.
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J'aime ton dos quand tu dors sur le ventre
J'aime ton ventre quand tu dors sur le dos
J'apprécie aussi ceci côte-ci, mais remontre-moi
Cela côte-là.
I actually think she's really pretty. Not the smartest or most talented chick, but pretty nonetheless.
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"You can lead a whore to culture,
But you can't stop her from throwing a glass of vodka at it." -DEB
Susaninga, what do you mean? you dare insult the elegance of the Hilton Sisters? lmao
she is not fat, but she has huge boobs and fleshy arms IRL. Give it up VF.
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Submitted by Stock Broker on Fri, 05/01/2009 - 10:32am.
Nothing is worse than to have a morning boner with a woman you can't stand.
I didn't GET how society is so down on JS for her weight until I realized that what's REALLY bothering us is that she's marginally talented and rich. I'm marginally talented and poor.
I hate her ;)
Kim Kardassian is involved in the fashion industry in "a relevant way"?
I smell a Lauren Conrad clothing line fan!!! lol
Meh. VF clearly jumped the shark by putting Paris Hilton on the cover a couple years ago. No one has taken the rag seriously since then. This only drives the last nail...
Sorry - that comment as for "parissucksliterally"----ewwwwww.
~~~I work for God. The retirement plan is unbelievable!~~~
her tittays look wonkay
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Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke
a message from the Church of the SubGenius
AZGIRL --- that avatar is so gross!
~~I work for God. The retirement plan is unbelievable!~~
It's funny that Kim K - who is actually involved in the fashion industry in a relevant way - was not chosen for this "You call this fat?" cover - she had to settle for Life and Style or sum cheet.
♥ ThreadKilla!
"So, I'm sorry - but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours: it's not our fault," she said...That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears!~Chris Rock
I agree MK. Pervert daddy must have paid VF to put this sorry sack on the cover.
the top half of that cover looks like her but the bottom half - please - that is shapewear + photoshop = not really j simp.
LOL JillyPoo! Seriously
for the record, I think she has a nice figure, but they did photoshop her arms to hell. At the chili cook off show she did, her arms looked like dumplings.
well, people in hollywood have access to the best personal trainers...so who knows
I can't stand this ho though...or her sister and her douche...or Nick Lachey
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I don't care how bad I fuck up, I care about how fucked up I get-NOFX
GIT IT!! -MK 4/24/09
And he adds:
WAIT. Is he downing the legendary Jenilee Harrison?!
"As an actress, she's slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three's Company."
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Umm..I think referring to her as "actress who replaced Suzanne Somers" pretty much says it all, hunny - don't you? LOL!
♥ ThreadKilla!
"So, I'm sorry - but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours: it's not our fault," she said...That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears!~Chris Rock
She is a pretty girl but these pictures are boring. She has the same expression on her face. Why is she in magazines, is she promoting something? It makes no sense.
And she is not fat. She could drop a few and get back to her glory days but she isn't fat. Thousands of woman would kill for her figure.