Jon & Kate's Shitty Marriage Is Ratings Gold

9.8 million hos spent 1 hour of their lives watching Jon & Cunty Beaverhead Plus 8 last night. This was easily TLC's most watch episode ever. Jon & Kate even beat the Lost season finale in the ratings. That has to hurt. Sadly, I was not among the 9.8 million suckahs who watched, because I went to bed at like 8 o'clock after being up for 30 hours straight (don't ask). I wanted to make sure I was fully coherent when I watched, so that I could take precise notes on how to be a bigger and better cunt. Kate is the master at this and she deserves my undivided attention. I watched a bunch of old episodes this past weekend and it really is like a master class in how to be a mega bitch. The reviews from the critics confirm this.

UsWeekly compiled a few:

On Kate saying her life in the media spotlight is so hard: "Is it really, Kate? Tell that to a family in which the breadwinner has just lost her or his job, you silly, self-absorbed fool." - Baltimore Sun

On Kate saying the paparazzi following them is creepy: "What's creepy is having your children followed around by a camera crew. Any camera crew. Period. It's exploitation, whatever cutesy name you want to give it." New Jersey's Star Ledger

On Kate saying she's alone 6 times when Jon goes away for the weekend: "You just wanted to say, 'We get it! You feel you're the Wronged Woman! Aren't you savvy enough by now to know you're not winning us over?' This was especially true when she noted that 'all of a sudden, your kids are calling you your babysitter's name.' I could almost hear millions of viewers shouting, 'So stay home!'" - Entertainment Weekly

Beautiful, right? Kate probably came a million times over after reading the reviews.

Just from watching a few clips online, it looks like an episode of Faces of Death. Seriously, it's like witnessing their marriage get hit by a train in slow motion. I mean, in the clip above, you can cut the awkwardness with one of Bai Ling's razor nipples. They should be speaking to a therapist not a fucking producer.

My favorite part has to be when the producers asks them what the future holds. Kate says, "I'm here" and Jon says "I'm here....for the kids." I expected the rabid beaver on Kate's head to pounce on Jon's crotch and bite into it. Obviously, when Kate pulled his nuts out she missed some of the root, because it sounds like they are starting to grow back.