Time For Your Daily Eyeball Exercises!
Have your eyeballs been feeling a little out of shape and flabby? Do they have love handles? Do their tummies jiggle when they walk? Well, you're in luck, because here's a little article that will get them rolling. Feminist Naomi Wolf wrote a piece for Harper's Bazaar about how Saint Angelina Jolie is the greatest thing since self-lubricating dildos. Slip on your sweat band, it's time for eyeball calisthenics again!
The piece is titled: "Why Women Want Angelina Jolie's Life"
Angie is the most gorgeous woman on the planet: "Bosomy and wasp-waisted, with that curtain of hair and those crazy pillowy lips, she is an obvious male sex fantasy...Polls also show that if women — not just lesbian and bisexual women but straight women — had to choose a female lover, they would want to sleep with Angelina Jolie. In other words, women both identify with her and desire her."
Angie is more than just a gorgeous face: "There’s something more than a simply physical response. Her persona hits an unprecedented level of global resonance — and makes women want to be with her and be her at the same time — because she has created a life narrative that is not just personal. Rather, it is archetypal. And the archetype is one that really, for the first time in modern culture, brings together almost every aspect of female empowerment and liberation."
Angie can get away with being sexy and a symbol of goodness: "The magic of Jolie’s self-presentation? She makes the claim, with her life and actions, that, indeed, you can get away with it. All of it . Against every Western convention, she has managed to draw together all of these kinds of female liberation and empowerment. And her gestures determinedly transgress social boundaries — boundaries of convention, race, class, and gender — giving many of us a vicarious thrill. When the megascandal took place — Jolie’s alleged seduction of a married man, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith — it could have been the end of Jolie as a role model. But she managed the almost unheard-of task of turning the home-wrecker label into a wholesome, family-friendly triumph."
Angie knows how to fly a plane: "Women are so used to being dependent on others (certainly on men) for where they go, metaphorically, and how they get there. Flying a private plane is the classic metaphor for choosing your own direction; usually, that is a guy thing to do, yet there was Jolie, with her aviator glasses on, taking flying lessons so she could blow the mind of her four-year-old son."
Angie is a lover: "Equally ostentatiously in her role as lover, she took for her own pleasure the male seen as the most desired of the tribe, Brad Pitt, who is always ranked at the top of indexes of male beauty and virility. As for the constraints of social convention — ahem, he was still married? You can have a variety of feelings about this, but Jolie’s evident disdain of that social constraint certainly, for better or worse, put her in the same self-entitled category as those men who have traditionally taken what they wanted and let the emotional chips fall where they may."
Final barfness: "So she becomes what psychoanalysts call an 'ego ideal' for women — a kind of dream figure that allows women to access, through fantasies of their own, possibilities for their own heightened empowerment and liberation."
You can read the entire article (yes, there's more) at Harper's Bazaar. I'm going to warn you that your eyeballs may fall off and roll away. Seriously, it felt like I was reading someone's diary. I bet Naomi sleeps next to a jar full of Angie's hair which she got on eBay. But I feel the same way about Shauna Sand. Just substitute the name "Angelina Jolie" for "Shauna Sand" and this entire essay would make sense.
And just for the record, as a strictly dickly bitch, I can say that Angelina Jolie is not the chick I'd go lesbian for. Her vagina would probably cast a spell on more or take a chunk out of my taint. No gracias.
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Naomi Wolf did a good job in The Ring she should stick to acting and keep her visions to herself!
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See James Haven in an Oscar winning performance!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU
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Why couldn't she have fallen victim to Madoff?
Maybe then she'd get a little humility back.
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:10pm.
I rolled my eyes so much they stuck and now I look like Audrina
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Better than Pete Doherty.
Submitted by devilgirl on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:19pm.
Yes dg. James Haven has so much MaryKay left over from his career as a representative that he can open his own makeup counter at Macys.
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See James Haven in an Oscar winning performance!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU
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Submitted by KidL on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:08pm.
Puh-lease!
Naomi Wolf hasn't had a real job since she was an "advisor" to Al Gore in 2000. (She was supposed to advise him on how to be an "alpha male" and also advised him to wear foundation make-up applied with an airbrusher device for publc apperances. No, I am not making this up.) Stupid twat!
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ITA, she is a stupid twat. She's a big mouthed, over-opinionated stupid twat. My ears bleed when I hear her.
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She's flat and that's that!
"women both identify with her and desire her."
Oh, yeah. I am sure most women idenify with a woman with a history of drug abuse, self-multilation, and hooking up with men who are already in relationships. Add to this that she is famous primarily due to nepotism and exploiting her personal life and she is someone EVERY woman desires to be.
thanks RigaToni , angel_i did it
James Haven needs a possum!
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"let me tell you something about my family WE ARE AS TIK AS TIEVES"
"its 1492!! Come on people!!!" provolone
Submitted by KidL on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:15pm.
Another true story: Naomi Wolf claims to have seen Jesus in a vision she had 10 years or so ago. (This is all the more hilarious considering she is Jewish.) Yeah, she actually wrote about this.
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James Haven thought he saw Jesus too. Turns out it was the checkout girl from the Piggly Wiggly. Damn that girl needs a waxin' and a makeover not too mention a good pair of shoes!
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See James Haven in an Oscar winning performance!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU
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Oh brother!!!
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
They might as well change the name from Harper's Bazzar to Angie's Baazar. Wha? You knew this joke was coming. :P
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Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! ~Homer Simpson
"Flying a private plane is the classic metaphor for choosing your own direction"
Sorry, but I found that line to be the funniest...and not in humorous way. Hope bitch flies over the Bermuda Triangle.
My hatred for AJ grows daily. And to think 8 years ago I had "Jolie" chosen as a baby name if we had a girl. Now I cringe when I think about that.
OT: Snowpiece, that is the best use of possum head I've seen so far. I love your avatar.
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"The 'Like, Whoah' emphasizes the taxing of the ass" -- Urbandictionary.com inspired by comingback
Submitted by James Haven on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:17pm.
Did you use Mary Kay?
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Submitted by Miss Thang on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:17am.
I aint no psychiatrist, but I am bipolar ............
Submitted by devilgirl on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:17pm.
Hello sweet girl! SmOOches to you!
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See James Haven in an Oscar winning performance!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU
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Bitch, just say "I wanna fuck Angelina Jolie" and be done with it.
Ugh, I'm so tired of people kissing her ass, she's so overrated.
Submitted by KidL on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:15pm.
Another true story: Naomi Wolf claims to have seen Jesus in a vision she had 10 years or so ago. (This is all the more hilarious considering she is Jewish.) Yeah, she actually wrote about this.
I guess she really was looking to hammer that final nail in her medicore writing career, then I think she has done it.
No wonder her ex-hubby (Richard Shipp?) divorced her crazy ass. (He held some middle to high post in the Clinton administration.) Thank God Obama declined to hire this nutbag as an advisor on anything.
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Thanks, KidL. Glad to see you again. This puts it in perspective. When Naomi said 'global resonance' I really wanted to punch the screen.
JAMES HAVEN! HELLO HANDSOME!
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Submitted by Miss Thang on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:17am.
I aint no psychiatrist, but I am bipolar ............
James Haven did her makeup you like?
Angie's head has gotten so big from this article she can barely get through the door. She insists James Haven call her your "Highness" and makes James Haven wear a "Joker" costume. Brad looks like an assjack wearing a Prince Valient wig and tights but no one looks sillier then Mad in his Lord Flauntleroy getup.
Angie now refuses to speak to any of us. She has one of those handmaid women do the talking. She speaks in a Romeo & Juliet foreign tongue and last week cracked James Haven on the knuckles because he forgot to bow when she walked in the room.
Honestly this woman is out of her mind! She makes Daddy Voight look the picture of sanity. If only James Haven's acting career would take off then he would be able to get a pad of his own and forever leave Angie and Brad behind him.
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See James Haven in an Oscar winning performance!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU
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Angelina Jolie has nothing on Phoebe " I have the Quween on my side " Marie Price.
Submitted by kanderso on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:13pm.
Hahaha! Love the woven hair idea! Kinda like an afgan!
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Submitted by Miss Thang on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:17am.
I aint no psychiatrist, but I am bipolar ............
Who is that on the cover? Megan Jolie? Naomi is a kahrayzee lez. How dare she speak for me. I would go gay for lots of hotties, but not AJ. Too fake fake fake.
Another true story: Naomi Wolf claims to have seen Jesus in a vision she had 10 years or so ago. (This is all the more hilarious considering she is Jewish.) Yeah, she actually wrote about this.
I guess she really was looking to hammer that final nail in her medicore writing career, then I think she has done it.
No wonder her ex-hubby (Richard Shipp?) divorced her crazy ass. (He held some middle to high post in the Clinton administration.) Thank God Obama declined to hire this nutbag as an advisor on anything.
Submitted by devilgirl on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:09pm.
Now devilgirl, you know the Loons can't fit into Wet Seal clothes. They are strictly Lane Bryant and Wal-Mart. And the lucky ones get to wear their mu-mu's woven entirely from stray Angie Ho hairs purchased off of e-bay.
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"I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me." - Angelina Jolie
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 06/08/2009 - 5:10pm.
I rolled my eyes so much they stuck and now I look like Audrina
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When will this joke of a 'woman' just disappear already?
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Skanky whores always think that looking sexy means looking like you're getting double-penetrated. -Michael K
I rolled my eyes so much they stuck and now I look like Audrina
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"let me tell you something about my family WE ARE AS TIK AS TIEVES"
"its 1492!! Come on people!!!" provolone
Had to run to run to youtube to watch Ali G interviewing Naomi after this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyLSstqMvH8
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Help me!
Whoever wrote that article took a break from posting at JJ.
Naomi Wolf is an idiot and that is all I have to say! This shit with Jolie is getting fucking ridiculous and it must be stopped! I bet they are creaming in their Wet Seal clothes over at JJ right now!
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Submitted by Miss Thang on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:17am.
I aint no psychiatrist, but I am bipolar ............
Puh-lease!
Naomi Wolf hasn't had a real job since she was an "advisor" to Al Gore in 2000. (She was supposed to advise him on how to be an "alpha male" and also advised him to wear foundation make-up applied with an airbrusher device for publc apperances. No, I am not making this up.) Stupid twat!
Not a fan of Camille Paglia but she has written several articles criticising Wolf. She must be laughing her ass off over this latest gem!
It stinks of ass kiss-ery.
Maybe 7 or 8 years ago I would've liked to embody her, but not now. And despite her saint-like, worshiped, sex symbol status, I think it would kind of suck to be her.
*sharpens shank*
OH FUCKING BITCH PLEASE!
And who the hell is that supposed to be on the cover?
That is some crazy, delusional shit right there. I mean, truly insane. Jolie is a terrible actress who is only in the business because of her father, who she doesn't speak to. An obnoxious media whore who's existence is dependent on constant public attention, and who is so insecure and troubled that she has repeatedly sought out men in relationships. A crazy baby collector who appears to not even keep the best interest of the kids as a top priority. And her looks are partially manufactured through plastic surgery. I could go on and on and on. This woman doesn't have a sincere bone in her body, nor does she ever appear to even be very happy in her relationship. Naomi Wolf is on crack.
i'm sure AJ's eating this shit up.
*projectile vomits*
I don't think she looks all that great here, her chin looks enorm!
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"let me tell you something about my family WE ARE AS TIK AS TIEVES"
"its 1492!! Come on people!!!" provolone
GIRLFRIEND PLEASE-indeed!
Oh, and photoshopped cover much? This is her @ the premiere of THAT BENJAMIN BUTTONS SHIT and she DID NOT look all young and pretty at that shit: http://dlisted.com/node/29660
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"I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me." - Angelina Jolie
Years ago, I might have tried the clambake boogie with her...she's such a turn-off bitch/cunt now.
As a rule, feminists have TERRIBLE taste in women.
Wow, that was trite. My eyes started crossing after the first paragraph excerpt.
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I am not a pussy.
*barfs uncontrollably*
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
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CLICK ME www.theanimalrescuesite.com
No, really - is this a comedy piece written by Naomi? If yes, definitely one of the funnier. The part about Brad Pitt - I almost peed myself laughing.
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I like shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something.
If shes a "feminist" than I'm officially off the boat.
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People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.- Daria
webmaster@harpersbazaar.com
I didn't find Naomi's direct email, fucking Loonie
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"let me tell you something about my family WE ARE AS TIK AS TIEVES"
"its 1492!! Come on people!!!" provolone
Cheezuz, Naomi Wolf wrote that?? * groan of disgust* Naomi has gone Hollywood. Next she'll be fawning over Kate Gosselin.
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This article is a joke right? Naomi Wolf is a feminist? Wth?
Plus girls that look THAT much like their brother creeps me out.
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"I've met Janeane Garofalo and she's a cunt"-Artie Lange
When did Cliniqua start working for Harper's Bazaar?
what a fucking puff piece. while i don't hate the jolie, she's overexposed and annoying now.
Executive summary: Naomi has the hots for Angie.