You Can't Replace The Great Billy Mays!
Who else can sell you a useless piece of shit you don't need (but you really do need it) while making your ears slowly curl into your head? There is only one master of the SHOUT and that is the late and great Billy Mays! He cannot be replaced..... But apparently, the dumb whores at Media Enterprises think Billy can. Stick a piece of Mighty Tape on my b-hole and pull it hard, because this is not right.
TMZ says that a nationwide search for "the next Billy Mays" will start August 19th in Tampa. They say that Billy's precious bearded mug will remain on the products, but they are looking someone to sell it to the masses on late-night infomercials. Specifically, they want someone to pitch a new product called "Mighty Sponge." It's a sponge so mighty that it can soak up 2 liters of coke or the blood of a hooker (I'm looking at you Vince).
Why do I predict that emergency rooms will soon be filled with dumb skanks who almost made themselves mute from trying to recreate Billy's signature rasp by gargling with thumbtacks?
Okay, okay, okay. If they really have to do this, let me make a few suggestions:
1. Paula Abdul - Bitch needs the money and back alley pharmacists don't work for free.
2. Fishsticks Paltrow - Maybe she'll go mute from trying to replicate Billy's voice (fingers crossed)?
3. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper - Because our (aka my) TV screens need more of him.
4. Phoebe Price - She won't have to say a word. She'll just have to pose with the product and everyone (aka just me) will be SOLD!
5. STAINS - Because he can sell lucite to Shauna Sand just by hypnotizing her.
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I found a great dating site_____celebcupid.com______where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a millionaire and make it true! u dont have to be a millionaire.but u can meet one. I thought everyone needed to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy___________________
how ironic that mister oxyclean wasn't clean of oxy
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/
I've already found a new junk peddler on TV. His name is Anthony Sullivan.
He sells Arm n Hammer dryer sheets. He is a master junk peddler. Very under appreciated.
Robin Leach would add that air of rich and famous cachet. Plus he's related to Cary Grant. AND HE YELLS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!
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Chicago area 5K race 2009: http://rallyforautism.com/
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful -- Seneca
They better not pick Vince the Shamwow crackhead.
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" I guess the Americans with Disabilities Act needs to be revisited again to include “Republican” as a form of mental impairment because this has gotten out of hand. " ~~ Helen Philpot
Am I the only one who's glad he's dead? I hated all that dyed hair screaming at me when I was trying to unwind in front of the ol boob tube.
Submitted by Stock Broker on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:27am.
That's pretty cold...the guy hasn't been dead for a month.
I vote for Shamwow Vince. He needs the bail money.
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+ 1
And I thought they would wait at least a year for this 'search' for the next Billy Mays.
Shit, if they're that classless, I can see them even trying to pitch this as a concept for a reality show to some fucktard network exec, who will/would likely approve the idea.
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Chungking - Stay Up Forever
DiamondDawg,
Those dead people aren't clamoring the merits of cheesy wares for purely mercantile reasons.
My vote for the new Billy Mays is Shauna "Empress of Lucite" Sands. She spoke to me in mah dreams last night. And according to a good source *winks at Quween JJ* she speaks French! See, there's a few nations she can sell to right thar!
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Lilac Wine
Stick a piece of Mighty Tape on my b-hole and pull it hard, because this is not right.
LMAO!
That caught me off guard.
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"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Sorry, the only person who can do the memory of Billie justice is da QUWEEN!
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Rever Mieux
Morbidosity:
Would that "sonny" be Duff from Charm City Cakes (and the show Ace of Cakes). Balding tubby guy with a soul patch or something?
He seems like a cool dude, shame if he has an annoying mom.
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"The 'Like, Whoah' emphasizes the taxing of the ass" -- Urbandictionary.com inspired by comingback
DD
I have my signature condition....a migraine. Probably from the iodine dye. I get the distinct impression that I will not get much work done today.
It is muggy as all hell here too. Light rain this morning, but then 111 by 1:00 pm. Bleeech!
Hi Migraine!!
Since this is a Billy Mays thread, I'm going to SHOUT ALL MY COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS. HOW YOU FEELING TODAY? WHEN DO YOU GET RESULTS? BILLY MAYS COULDA USED A CHECK-UP!
Submitted by Morbidosity on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 11:02am.
@DD..... thanks. Is that fishysticks in your avie?
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Unfortunately, yes. But it's really MARGOT from The Royal Tenenbaums.
On topic:
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH WHEN BILLY MAYS IS TALKING! (lol)
Submitted by DiamondDawg on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 11:03am.
Roseanne Barr
still needs a job...
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Roseanne needs to stfu and suck a fart out of Hitler's dead asshole.
Stockbroker
Screech would be an excellent choice!
The only commercial that freaks me out right now is the one that starts "Billy Mays - I'm back again..."
(Awesome Auger)
Roseanne Barr still needs a job...
@DD..... thanks. Is that fishysticks in your avie?
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I saw old bitch on the Today Show this morning, her son is some hotshit cake maker that has his own show... idk who he is but the old lady was his mother..... WHAT A BIG MOUTH !! She needs the job only becaue Sonny looks like he wants to kill her and bake her into a hagcake.
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Love your avie, Morbid.
Stocky - Thanks!
I'll discuss her "growth" in OP!
♥
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:57am.
May he rest in peace, but Billy Mays was annoying as shit. Plus, it's tacky to continue airing his ads after his death.
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Um....not to fight or anything, but if no dead ppl were on tv, there would be NO TV!
May he rest in peace, but Billy Mays was annoying as shit. Plus, it's tacky to continue airing his ads after his death.
M.E. ~ nice pix of Koko. She's getting BIG.
On Topic: how about Screech for their new spokeswhore? He needs the $$$.
DD - IDK!?!!? I think it's temporary.
Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:52am.
You can never replace Billy Mays.
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Who brokeded the f---m?!!?!? Was it because...oh nevermind. I just wanted to talk about ORPHAN vs. Haunting in Connecticut...
Yawn. Slow morning...
NO ONE will ever replace Billy... EVER!
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now that brit brit is hanging with blohan... let the countdown to crazy start.
Oh no you di'int!!! YOU HAVEN'T!!! You just totally forgot about the one (well, the second) and only (now that the other is kind of dead) queen of Call TV: Mrs. "You Should Cawl Us"!!
What is she gonna think about us, huh? She was *born* to replace Billy, I mean, what could be more amazing than hearing "You Should call Us" yelled at us à la Billy Mays?
That's Priceless (Mastercard)
You can never replace Billy Mays.
right mike?
maybe Paris will start hocking her "brand" on Infomercials!
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Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get me a little oblivion, baby
Try to keep myself away from me
- Counting Crows
I doubt finding a replacement will be that difficult. The world seems to be full of loud people I try to ignore.
I totally read that as "Mighty Spooge." I got all excited and then...sadness.
~-*+*-~
"Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." ~ Cordelia Chase
"Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable." ~ Mrs. White
I like Vince Shamwow! He slaps hookers and then sells the clean-up kit.
SHAM WOW GUY??? THATS CRAZY TALK!!!! not unless he got a body transplant!
I'm bummed Bills Mays died, but the above captioned picture is hilarious!
He looked really healthy before died, too. He lost a lot of weight, his cheeks were rosy.
Crazy - it's him and several other Qlist celebs. Tonya Harding, Todd Bridges (Willis on Different Strokes), etc. It's pretty lame, but funny.
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"Did you KNOW it is snowing in my room, god dammit!?"
I predicted this to friends a week ago. I will die if the Sham Wow dude shows up at an audition. You know he would, he's determined and shameless.
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I am not a pussy.
Submitted by CRAZY on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:40am.
Submitted by Raul Duke on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:31am.
Bahahahaha! ...Really?
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This dude could be his brother, I asked the receptionist if she got the Sham Wow or a Slap Chop?
How about Bubba Clinton? He sold Lil'Kim the other day and America bullshit for 8 years!
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:40am.
He's the commentator? Really!
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"If I take a dog for a walk, apparently I`m f—king my dog!" - Gerard Butler
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!" -unknown
Submitted by Raul Duke on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:31am.
Bahahahaha! ...Really?
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"If I take a dog for a walk, apparently I`m f—king my dog!" - Gerard Butler
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!" -unknown
I second the Danny Bonadouchey - I just hope they can match his 4figure income that Spike is paying him to commentate those america's dumbest criminal shows.
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"Did you KNOW it is snowing in my room, god dammit!?"
Submitted by BRADIFUL BITCH on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:32am.
Yah Bonadouchey would be perfect!
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"If I take a dog for a walk, apparently I`m f—king my dog!" - Gerard Butler
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!" -unknown
*taps fingers waiting for Open Post*
I think *everyone* mentioned should get a turn at being The Yeller.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:29am.
I totally read that as Mighty Spooge. And I can't stand PP but she does have the most experience posing with useless inanimate objects.
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She is a useless inanimate object.
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Chicago area 5K race 2009: http://rallyforautism.com/
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful -- Seneca
Anderboo would just giggle through the commercials.
I vote they get a yeller like Danny Bonaduce.
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
Submitted by CRAZY on Thu, 08/06/2009 - 10:25am.
I vote the Shamwow guy!
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He was just in here delivering office supplies!