Give Your Pussy A Thorough Rub Down
If you have a cat in the room right now, you might want to tell it to go take a walk while you watch this video. If you let it stay and watch, it will start to get ideas and expect you to give it a full-on massage WITH oils (it's a rebel).
This is a video from a magical land called the 1980s of some crazy cat lady instructing us on how to correctly massage a cat. This is basically like lady-on-cat softcore porn. For instance, she says that it's a good thing if your cat forgets to swallow and starts drooling at the mouth. That means your cat is loving your hands all over its body. Okay, does is it also a good thing if your cat lights up a cigarette after its drooling session, because that shit sounds like a happy ending. You can't fool drool.
And today's phrase that pays is: "Who's the best cat in the United States? It's you Champer Damper, it's you."
Ha Ha Ha.... My cat was lounging near me when I was watching this video. So I decided to have the technique tested on him. I started from the excruciatingly slow massage on his back. It fucking took 1 full minute to go from his ears to almost to his tail. Yeah he is that long. And did my cat like it? I don't think he did. He woke up from his nap and started to stare at me and by the time I was done with his back, he was wagging his tail furiously, the kind of waging when he is really pissed. Then he looked into my eyes and gave me a big WTF look. I could not believe he is hating it, so I checked if he was purring or not. Well, not at all. He was getting his claws out to scratch my eyes out perhaps.
This is indeed kitty abuse. I don't know how Champer Camper tolerated that lady.
"Petting is passe" and "vicea-versa" are my two new favorite sayings.
But what I really want to know is where can I get that hot-ass outfit? I need a time-traveling tricked-out DeLorean to go back in time and get that outfit.
My cat would NOT tolerate that.
Submitted by madam s. on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 5:37pm.
That jacket!! We should have a Dlisted treasure hunt contest to see who can be the first to find that exact jacket at the Goodwill.
And my dogs are looking at me nervously right now, because they know I'm thinking of changing their names to Champer and Damper.
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Glorious. I'll be in that treasure hunt in a heartbeat.
I own seven cats (insert crazy cat lady certificate here), and have just found I am sadly uneducated when it comes to the "whisker alert"...
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"I don't have a problem with anger, Dale, I have a problem with idiots"...Hank Hill
Did I just travel into the future? That's me in 15 years, absolutely no doubt whatsoever.
Relax! You have the best teacher available! Your CAT.
Well, now we know what Marcy Darcy has been up to since Married With Children went off the air.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
i had a boyfriend once who used to rub my cat till she came- it was weird- so was he. she liked him though-in retrospect, i did too. he kinda treated us the same and we both had the same reaction when we saw him.
isn't that the actress judith ivy?
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/
god, I could easily become this woman.
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 8:11pm.
(falls off chair ROFL...OMG )
Coma Caca!!
DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO!!! My cat downloaded it and now the FEDS are knocking at my door with a WARRENT...TROOF....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
A MAJOR WHISKER WATCH ALERT IS IN EFFECT
I REPEAT
A MAJOR WHISKER WATCH ALERT IS IN, EFFECT
fuck why can't it be 1987 right now
pet your cat, show affetion once in awhile(not too much, they are finicky); but not massage!(unless you are a PERV) :)
Not only does this feel like an SNL sketch, but this bitch looks identical to one Kristen Wiig. Craziness.
A drooler isn't someone who specializes in rings and watches! We need more from this lady i'm fascinated
Check out the cat's face at 2:38. Priceless.
Momus!?!
Bunny massage?? Hell naw! I like having 10 fingers!
When bunnies attack, this is the last thing you see!!
http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h100/mykittytls/bunnyyawn5hy.jpg
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"A wed wose. How womantic."
I'm already confused about which hand to use!
Cat massages rule.
Submitted by Clarisse on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 5:38pm.
Petting is passé? I think NOT!
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Do you have a bunny massage tape lurking in your closet, Clarisse????? ;)
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"Oderint dum metuant." Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (aka Caligula)
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Submitted by joe shmoe on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 5:40pm.
I don't get the whisker alert part. Whaa..your pussy's whiskers will do something if the massage isn't going well?
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I beieve that's the part where the whiskers turn into spikes and embed themselves into your eyeballs. Cats take their massages seriously.
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Bottom-feeder.
I don't get the whisker alert part. Whaa..your pussy's whiskers will do something if the massage isn't going well?
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Une seule vie
Petting is passé? I think NOT!
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"A wed wose. How womantic."
That jacket!! We should have a Dlisted treasure hunt contest to see who can be the first to find that exact jacket at the Goodwill.
And my dogs are looking at me nervously right now, because they know I'm thinking of changing their names to Champer and Damper.
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ASUUU MADREEE!!!!!
I'm with SoulTaker. That old buzzard slipped that cat a roofie.
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Bottom-feeder.
mah kittehs get the droolies when Iz gives them lub.
Am I a crazeh catlady, I don't give a flying fuck, I ♥ mah kittehs and they ♥ me back when I gets kisses, purrs, chirps and grippy pawpaw hand holds.
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
I want to know what drugs this woman is taking. I am sure the cat is on them too for putting up with her.
"or vice-AH versa!"
I felt like I was watching an SNL video sketch.
Also - that cat HAD to have been drunk or drugged. Or maybe living with that lady has taught it to just go into a self-imposed coma state.
I'm drunk. and that was awesome. i think i'm having a MAJOR whisker watch alert. Fuck yeah. Watch my whiskers, bitch. I mean, what?
Oh ... wow. Too brilliant for words.
My cat drools. I just think it's cause she's weird, not cause she's happy. Everyone thought I was nuts when I told them she drooled. Nope. This crazy bitch confirms it, too.
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"IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS!" - Kanye West
My cat would kill and eat this woman.
"Rhoda, we're all aware that you're an adroit liar"
@momus..Thank you...
_____________________对您的和平_____________________
Do leave it out, knock it on the head, have a word and wind yer neck in you minty bastard...
Submitted by caribbeanchic on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 4:35pm.
But seriously, if I touched any of my cats in half of those places i'd be on the receiving end of a sharpened claw slap. My cats especially hate you to touch their stomach!
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Ditto that here. I would have my eyes ripped out if I rubbed either of my cats' stomachs. One of my cats loves all kinds of touching as long as it's on his head/neck region or a good scratch at the tail/back junction. The other one has a definite touch threshold and when he's reached it, I get nipped and he takes off.
♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful -- Seneca
Submitted by Thornhill on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 4:40pm.
In unrelated news, MJ is still dead...
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But remains uninterred.
Also, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. This the first opportunity I've had to tender best wishes to you and Farrah.
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"Oderint dum metuant." Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (aka Caligula)
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huh? no kitty i've ever had as pets let me just stroke it's tail...atleast not without being medicated...
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a wet pussy and a dry purse don't match....
I just wasted 3 minutes of my life on that video. I demand a refund.
In unrelated news, MJ is still dead...
_____________________对您的和平_____________________
Do leave it out, knock it on the head, have a word and wind yer neck in you minty bastard...
LOL @ the cat's expression at 2:28!
But seriously, if I touched any of my cats in half of those places i'd be on the receiving end of a sharpened claw slap. My cats especially hate you to touch their stomach!
Also, what's with the abrupt switching between frames?
Anyone else pick up on the phrase "fluent Meow?"
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"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
At the 2:39 mark, when she's talking about tail massage, that cat is giving her the "is this bitch done yet" look.
I massage my kitteh's neck and back of head.
*dials crazy cat lady anonnymous*
My cat once got so excited from the massage i was giving him that he sprayed me a little bit.
AND he licked it off my arm.
I should win some sort of prize for that.
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Jesus wept, my cat would give me major side eye.
"Double your pleasure, double your fun". This about her flange or her cat??
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
my cat is still pissed about the kim z. song so (sigh) i probably owe it one of these nasty massages or "boom-boom" as they called it on the dateline nbc special the other night, the one where chris hanson is in cambodia...
maybe that's why she's wearing long sleeves - cat scratches up and down those arms, for sure!
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pussies going spastic usually make me feel queasy - MK
that cat looks like it's on the good ooh-wee! lol
I don't need to do anything that would make my cat talk more...
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We can do it, it's all up to us mmmkay
With a little plan we can change our lives today
OK I am confused. Is this talk about massaging a cat really supposed to be female masturbation? As is massaging your pussy, drooling, etc. I am pretty sure you wouldn't need a video and that much information to learn how to pet a fucking cat.
She's a bit scary, but my cats drool from petting them also.
...I'm scared. And my cats are scared. I think we'll stick to the old fashion... petting. Ew. Now it all sounds wrong! :(
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Your local Finnish village idiot.
My cat is spoiled enough as it is without a damn massage.
My cat puts his fang on my leg when he's on my lap. Then he drools so afterwards I have a wet spot and a puncture wound. I still like him though.