I Know What Kind Of "Creepy Things" You Did Last Summer
Three weeks ago, David Letterman got into his car and noticed that there was a mysterious package on his seat. When he opened it, it wasn't anything good like a hard-to-find box of Jello 1-2-3 or a glossy nude 3D picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. No, it was a letter from someone threatening Dave to hand over $2 million or he'd spill his "creepy" bedroom secrets which included fucking some of his staffers. The extortionist (that is so going to be the name of a future CBS show) claimed he would use the information to write a movie and a book. UGH! Remember the old days when bitches just used to sell that kind of information to the tabloids or simply post it on the internet? Nowadays bitches are always trying to get a 3-picture deal out of something. Hollywood!
David immediately shuffled off to the District Attorney's office in Manhattan and told them someone was trying to blackmail him. The D.A.'s office investigated the threats and then cut a fake check for $2 million in which they gave to the extortionist. The extortionist should've realized something in the milk wasn't clean when the check was oversized and came with a bunch of balloons. But something tells me the extortionist ain't got the smarts in the brains.
The dude was arrested yesterday morning and Dave had to testify in front of a grand jury. Dave admitted that what the extortionist was claiming is true. He has done sexy times with some of his staff members (PAUL, HOW COULD YOU?!). ESCANDALO (not really).
Dave confessed to it all on his show last night. It was a little awkward, because the audience kept laughing like a laugh-track on loop, and because Dave just got married last year to his ladyfriend of 23 years. They have a kid together.
The extortionist has been identified as Jay Leno. No, the extortionist is 51-year-old Robert Halderman, an employee of 48 Hours and the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie is Dave's assistant and she reportedly had an affair with him years before he was married. They have since stopped bumping nasties in the copy room at midnight. That's what Radar says anyway.
So that's that! The truth is, people fuck their co-workers. It happens. I fuck on my co-workers all the time (Fun Fact: I only work with myself. WINK). Dave getting down with his employees probably isn't the best move, but it's not like he did anything horrific like kick a kitten or mooned a baby. Dave simply put his peen in someone's vagina. Maybe his wife was cool with it. Maybe she wasn't. I'm sure we'll find out.
The bitch I'm really mad at is the extortionist. Dude owes all of us $2 million for forcing us to think about Dave's sweaty prune nalgas bouncing up and down on some lady.
And in other news, Sarah Palin just climbed on top of her igloo and shouted, "I CAN SEE DAVE'S ROTTEN CHEATING ASS FROM MY HOUSE! I'M HAVING THE BEST DAY EVAH!"
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I just wonder why did Halderman does that? What was his reason? Stephanie Birkitt is, or was, a long time employee at the Late Show and NBC. It is said that she had a brief affair with Letterman several years ago, which was supposed to have ended before when Letterman's long time girlfriend and now wife, Regina, gave birth to their son. But come on…that was a long time ago. That issue has ended. I think Halterman hates Letterman. Well, if that’s true he probably need some payday loans for good a lawyer.
Karma's a bitch, ain't it Dave you worthless son of a whore.
What I'm wondering is how the box got in the back of his car (not locked??) and why would he open it - it could have been a bomb!! With that said, when I was in 10th grade I had such a mad crush on Letterman and no one knew who he was back then. He was on some game show where he sat in a sofa that was made to look like lips. I stayed home from school day after day just to gaze at him (this was 1979) and then I got in trouble with school and had Saturday detention for a month. All kinds of bad happens when you fall for David, I know!! :)
It wasn't just sex with female corworkers but with subordinates, which is another can of worms altogether.
don't really care about letterman, but the ho/hos he was with should have kept their mouths shut. i mean really, do you want to admit to effing that?
So what if he had sex with female co-workers. Big stinkin' deal. It happens in just about every workplace.
"You bet" Sarah Palin and the gop dirt grubbers want to bring down Letterman cuz he's libERal with a microphone.
Go, Dave. Leave these clueless twats in the dust.
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Letterman is a real man bwahahaha, for standing up like this?? Good lord. He didn't volunteer to admit this, it was either 2 million dollars or 5 minutes of humiliation. Give me a break.
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Why is this post not filed under 'GROSS'. Why do you have that category if not for this vision of lovey dovey. Come to think of it, you have so many categories MK, you've probably lost track of them.
So Dave tucked a staffer before he was married. Big deal. Next topic.
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Chris Brown needs to like, wow, take that stupid ass bow tie and shove it down his throat. It's like, wow. WOW. --MK 8/31/09
I always thought somewhere in the back of my mind he was giving it to Stephanie... Ewwww, I don't ever want to think about David Letterman giving it to anyone ever again.
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"I'm a black robot, motherfucker."
Damn, I remember Stephanie! I can't believe that's who he had an affair with, she looks about 12 yrs old. I still find him funny, but he has become overly political and frankly, very biased.
On an unrelated topic... Are the loonies at JJ paid to write glowing comments about AJ? I usually avoid all posts related to them on JJ, but I had a look today. They are beyond creepy and pathetic.
While I am sure this is a regretful situation for everyone involved, keep in mind that everything was consensual between adults and Dave's relationships with these women was before he was married. Dave may have had fun on the side all these years, but he wasn't and isn't a predator to women.
haha..first thing I thought of was Sarah Palin
Maybe it sounds like I'm picking on the women (employees) whom Dave said he has screwed. They're all creeps, including the extortionist.
Dave's not funny and a creep. I don't know this woman, but if he and her were having sex when he was paying her (and these other women) that makes her a whore, LOL.
i am glad that he is fulfilling his needs. i kinda looked at him as asexual, why, i don't know...
now i see him in a better light. kinda turns me on actually, makes him more interesting, and i didn't think i could like him more.
I haven't liked Letterman for a long time -- find him oftentimes racist, sexist and gross. But I do think what he did was interesting -- to take something so horribly embarrassing and make it into a kind of joke? It's like self-flogging performance art.
I think, if I was a big celeb and some dumbass got dirt on me, I'd do the same thing. Something similar happened to Cameron Diaz a couple of years ago. Some guy had naked semi-kinky modeling pictures of her from years ago and he wanted to blackmail her right before the premiere of Charlie's Angels (so dumb). So Cameron did something kind of hot, which is admit to the pictures, saying she felt no shame about them, and she took the dude to court. Extorting bitch got shot DOWN!
Dave is a donkey. A bitter egotistical troll who gives me the creeps for at least the last 20 years. Yes, I am old enough to remember a time when he was funny and edgy.
I admit I am unsophisticated enough that I didn't find his rape-joke about sara palin's daughter funny. It seems that going 'political' is one of the signs of a public persona unravelling. Just look at how family guy has fallen. Not to mention the excreble 'cleveland show' spinoff--but I digress...
I guess the main take-away for me is that letterman is straight. He triggered my gaydar. I thought the delay in marriage was due to men on the side, not women. Alright, I admit it, I will never be convinced he doesn't have a sweet tooth for the manly things in life.
Anyway, he's a creep and a tiny bit of karma is nice to see.
He was living with the mother of his son at the time. The woman who he married. I thought there was something fishy when he got married. The way he was so accusatory of others sins and quick to criticize raised a flag in my mind. Usually the sins/faults people point out in others are the ones they are the most guilty of. Poor man Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. I am sure he is in his own private hell and there are more then one skeletons in this man's closet no matter how "cute and funny" people think he is. The devil always gets his due.
This happened years before he was married? Who gives a fuck? Seriously? People fuck around on the job. They probably shouldn't, but they do. It's not really scandalous or even particularly newsworthy unless there's something untoward about it, like someone is underage or coerced or harrassed in a business sense, like sleep with me or lose your job.
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Submitted by Reeter on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 10:16am.
He was blackmailing someone in the entertainment business for screwing coworkers? You mean, those people really screw around? SHOCK! GASP!
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I know, right?!? Who does he think he is stinking up the entertainment industry by having these illicit affairs!? Doesn't he know they have an image to uphold?! O yeah - and that "sanctity of marriage" thing too!
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I think I need to beer douche my brain to get the image out of my head of Dave fucking something. Sheesh! I found it hard to believe that his wife screwed him now this. He looks like a side of bacon left in the sun. Those teefs are a vagina repellent.
Dave never hid the fact he's dated women on staff. Merrill Markoe was his longtime gf, then Regina ... and who knows what happened during that long relationship? I think he handled it well, with class and dignity -- as Mrs. F points out, not like John Ensign or Mark Sanford. I love my Dave and that ain't changin'.
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"And the Fuckery Train keeps rolling all the way to HELL...."
there's some amusing top 10 lists about this in the open post from last night and i never thought dave was funny...he just strikes me as a man who never got laid until his 40's because he had money....
he has always picked the most homely women to bang. Ever see any of his female staff? Manly, no make-up, just fug.
OK, Stephanie was obvious, but who are the other peepaw bangers? He said "women" plural...
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If Mackenzie Phillips doesn’t have a house full of cats, then you can’t possibly have a good reason to either.
Looks to me Regina Lasko, his wife got the better end of the stick. She's going to get paid now. Dave may bump up her allowance to compensate that he was fucking around.
The loser here is the gal who is shacked up with the guy who was extorting Dave. Ha! She's fucking a poor guy who has to extort to pay his bills.
Pathetic shit!
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Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it. --- Rainn
Wilson in Juno.
The Eggo has popped from toaster eight weeks early, had my son Jayson Matthew on 8/27/2009
Awww... I find this terribly disappointing. I thought of him as more of a stand-up kind of guy than this, although he does have a air of being pretty emotionally troubled on some level. Still, that's no excuse. I hope his now wife at least knew about it before she married him recently. All-around seedy, crappy situation. Boooo Dave!
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ASUUU MADREEE!!!!!
Dave just got married last year to his ladyfriend of 23 years. They have a kid together.
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I am tellin' you right now: This is why I would be sportin' a mullet like Shambo and pickin' fur outta my teeth if I were not already married to one of those bastards known as MEN.
*I love my husband. I love my husband* ;P
(Sorry all, urmomma is wearing her ovaries on her sleeves today...need to snort some Midol and have lunch out of a shot glass.)
xoxoxoxo
hugs y'all.
This ain't my first rodeo, cowboy.
This whole thing sounds like a retarded script thrown out by the Coen brothers! LOL
Submitted by Anonymouse73 on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 10:11am.
I don't think there is such a thing as legal blackmail.
Literally, you are right. I mean what happens every day: Pay me X or I'll sue. 100% legal.
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Now, the object of this year's expedition is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition.
He was blackmailing someone in the entertainment business for screwing coworkers? You mean, those people really screw around? SHOCK! GASP!
I don't think there is such a thing as legal blackmail.
He's a real idiot for at least one reason: if the female employees wanted to sue their boss for sexual harassment, they'd have great cases. Embarrassing at best and usually not covered by insurance. For however long the employees worked for him, he couldn't discipline or fire them or even pass them over for promotion without the (unspoken) risk of being sued. That is proper, and legal, blackmail.
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Now, the object of this year's expedition is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition.
@Tristram - Agreed. He is the boss and his name is on the door. I see sexual harassment suits in his future.
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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I bet he was banging those two dumb models in glittery dresses who just hold stuff. I recall a show at least a year ago when one of his younger female staff members was involved in a skit. Dave was asking her questions about her job and so on. Dave was sort of flirting with her in an authoritarian way and I thought, Wow, that's inappropriate.
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Now, the object of this year's expedition is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition.
Yeah yeah, celebs are always sorry but they keep doing it. Whatevers.
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2007~It was a truly magical time in Shitneyland.
"Sam put drugs in Britney's biscuits"
Submitted by Mopa on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 8:14am.
Who gives a shit. I think Dave is hysterical and I don't care who he sleeps with. I think it's great that he came right out and told about it and got the cops involved. Like practically everyone in the world doesn't have skeletons in their closet? I'm sure he regrets it and maybe that's why he decided to finally marry after all those years with his girlfriend.
"Now we get to what was the all creepy stuff?
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who work for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have"
That's genius!
What the hell kind of security do they have if someone is able to place a package in your unlocked car without anyone seeing them? I bet Dave had that the garage security guy beaten and killed.
The extortionist (that is so going to be the name of a future CBS show)
hahah soooooooooooooo true.
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I feel I'm on top again baby that's got everything to do with you...
Dave has certainly opened a gigantic can of worms by opening his zipper. Many 'victims' in this, but I don't consider him to be one of them. He brought it all upon himself.
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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My big criticism is that he opened the mystery package himself. I'd be scared to open a package I wasn't expecting that had no return address.
Oh, this chick. It all makes sense now. So, is "Mr. Carney" the name for little Dave?
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If Mackenzie Phillips doesn’t have a house full of cats, then you can’t possibly have a good reason to either.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 8:21am.
Fucking love it, love Dave for being the kind of celebrity who would address this uncomfortable shit with candor and a sense of humor.
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Couldn't agree more.
This guy is an ass, he deserves this shit. Karma! I have seen his show twice in person and he is an asshole to everyone on the set. I had to see it twice to be sure he wasn't just having a bad day the first time. Nope, he's an ass through and through.
Today's maple tea spewing (i'm canadian!) LOL:
"Fun Fact: I only work with myself. WINK)"
aaaand yesterday's
"This is why publicists are hilarious. "Model, author, and Emmy-nominated...." HA! The next time I'm at Starbucks and they ask my name, I'm going to say, "Slut, whore, and cunt Michael K."
DELLE DELLE HEARTS U MICHEAL K :)
It takes a man to own up to misdeads, and it takes a fucking superman to do what Dave did.
@snoogle:
just the fact that he kept referring to what he did as "terrible things" etc. and that he has talked to his family, friends, work about it, and is telling all his viewers, implies atonement. To me, at least.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 8:21am.
Fucking love it, love Dave for being the kind of celebrity who would address this uncomfortable shit with candor and a sense of humor.
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ITA.
Plus, the punishable crime was EXTORTION.
His wife is prolly a money-grubbing hore. What does she care? C'mon. Wake up and smell the coffee people. It's not like he drugged and raped a 13 year old.
I think the way he went about that was pretty classy, actually. No, it's not cool to cheat, but he had the cohones to tell a million people that he did so.
And for all we know, his wife already knew about it. It's possible it happened a while ago and he's already confessed everything to her.