Xenu, Please | Dlisted

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."

Splash

Posted by: Michael K

•

Submitted by blah blah blah on Mon, 10/12/2009 - 4:51am.

Katie better hope the wind dosen't change direction.

Submitted by Centaurious on Mon, 10/12/2009 - 2:28am.

What is with his shirt.

It's tissue-paper thin, and you can see his nipples.

Isn't he supposed to be in fucking Boston?

Wait, isn't FROM MA, somewhere on the outskirts of Boston?!

I guess he just saved his high school clothes and figured it would be okay.

(They're too tight now, Tom. Newsflash.)

Submitted by loving cool on Mon, 10/12/2009 - 2:10am.

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Submitted by Whatever on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 11:40pm.

If these two have sex I am a Morman.

Submitted by Bossy on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 10:28am.

You know, these two actually looked really happy and really into each other right when they got engaged. The sparks seem to have dwindled, that's sad :(

Submitted by Bossy on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 10:26am.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:01pm.

Hahaha.
My weight 180 X 2min.= 4 calories.

2 mins???

Submitted by freebird on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 9:47am.

Submitted by ghost of gene r... on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 9:12am.

Submitted by freebird on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 1:00pm.

Nicole made ONE comment that was implying she and Tom didn't have sex (very often at least)

=====

There was also Mimi Rogers' infamous quote about how they never had sex because he wanted to keep his instrument "pure." That didn't say "gay" to me so much as "asexual*," but apparently it got the ball rolling, because I've heard the stories ever since.

*Well, maybe not normal, 0 on the Kinsey Scale asexuality. In his case it would probably have more to do with some serious hangups about sex.
***
Oooooh, good one! I had never heard the Mimi Rogers one before. He's definitely got a lot of cover up going on. I heard back in the day before he fired his publicist you couldn't have Tom at a party without his team getting full approval of the guest list, security, etc. They ruled the town with fear, threatening anyone who could hurt them. I don't think that's changed much though.

Submitted by ghost of gene r... on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 9:42am.

Submitted by freebird on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 1:00pm.

Nicole made ONE comment that was implying she and Tom didn't have sex (very often at least)

=====

*Well, maybe not normal, 0 on the Kinsey Scale asexuality. In his case it would probably have more to do with some serious hangups about sex.

Submitted by carefreea on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 8:20am.

Bollox, no way in hell do they bump uglies.

This is the latest thing I read -

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1219498/A-class-victory-Kat...

Does that mean they're heading for the skids then?

********
"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?

Submitted by The New Improve... on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 5:22am.

Do they actually think anyone believes this shit?

Or do people actually believe it and we are just a fringe bunch of H8trs?
_________________________________________________
Wyle E

"If you don't have a full-time fuck partner, why not take a few part-time jobs to keep the genital area active in the community.""

Submitted by Mrs Patrick Campbell on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 4:56am.

Does anyone know who Tammy's plastic surgeon is? Her facelift is good.

Also, we love how Tammy exercises such tight control over the release of all 'candid' photos - none of which of course ever show her as a 4 foot tall 50-ish homosexual!

Submitted by notreallyworking on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 12:42am.

i've never seen a REAL baton!

you take the red pill, you'll be rollin in 45 minutes. you take the blue pill, you wake up with a hardon and believe whatever you want to believe...

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 12:08am.

Submitted by Centaurious on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:30pm.

Hmm, nope, none of the above.

But I'm just a few inches away from legally being a midget.

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Now we are the crow which contemplated the silence...

Submitted by VitaminF on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 10:00pm.

All mocking aside, I absolutely want to believe that this couple ,who (supposedly) made the beautiful girl called Suri, actually have sex with each other. But sorry, can't. Just by looking at them, I don't even see an ounce of sexual attraction or chemistry between these two. Katie looks passive, very very passive and Tom looks his usual self. No involvement at all.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:37pm.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:01pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:56pm.

Hahaha.
My weight 180 X 2min.= 4 calories.
**********************************

Um...not for nuthin but you could put those together like 20 at a time...you know, to be efficient an all that;p

♥ Threadkilla!
Chaka Khan wrote me a theme song!!!

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:31pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:56pm.

Hahaha.
My weight 180 X 2min.= 4 calories.

I have to have sex about 100 times a week!!! LOL

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:26pm.

PS. *smooches* @joe:)

PPS.@Mani: Then that story really is bullshit cuz he'd have to have sex (vigorously) for 5 hours to burn 600 calories according to that calculator.

♥ Threadkilla!
Chaka Khan wrote me a theme song!!!

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:21pm.

Here's an online calculator to determine how many calories you can burn up having sex...this one is for "vigorous activity".

http://www.fitwatch.com/phpscripts/viewexercise.php?descr=sexual%20activ...

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 9:16pm.

Not tonite, kiddies. It's way past your bed time! Take your pills and go to bed and I'll tell you all about Madge's evil forest tomorrow night:)

♥ Threadkilla!
Chaka Khan wrote me a theme song!!!

Submitted by TITS on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:59pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 7:57pm.

*kicks heels* awwww tell us another one aunty angle! tell us another one!!!

tell the one again 'bout ole granny 'donna, jesus and the gingerbread house! PULLLLLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!?!?!

.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Yeah that's like hypnotizing chickens.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:41pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 7:57pm.
*************
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Angel that's hilarious!!!!

************
Don't know why the yahoos behave like this. Sometimes the song "Waltzing Matilda" triggers it all off.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:40pm.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:01pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 7:57pm.

Hahaha. Did you hide a microphone in Bots head?

*****************************

A camera too;p

♥ Threadkilla!
Chaka Khan wrote me a theme song!!!

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:31pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 7:57pm.

Hahaha. Did you hide a microphone in Bots head?

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 8:27pm.

Tom(pacing, as Katie sits on the end of the bed):Ok, Kate - we're falling behind here...Brad said my movie sucked and, you know...when you look at the numbers up against his (pacing, pacing)...And it's not like you're making any miracles with your theatre reviews or with Suri, over there, in the fashion world....You know what we have to do?(jazz hands!)....Say something sexy... That's what we have to do! People love it when celebrities say sexy things! And that's our problem, right there, we're just not being sexy enough...think Kate! Something we can leak...something a friend could repeat, as if we have friends, but a lunch date - you know...C'mon Kate! Think! Think!

Katie:Well, umm...

Tom:Talk, dammit!(stops with hand on hip to point at Katie) This is a PARTNERSHIP, Kate.

Katie:Ummm....well, everyone knows you're worried about getting fat!

Tom:What?! How is THAT sexy?! (mumbles) fool

Katie:No, no! You misunderstand me, My Master! Please don't be angry! I mean that we can say that I told a lunch date that we've decided to have a lot more sex - because you're watching your perfect figure!

Tom:Hmmmmm...(strokes non-existent beard)not bad. Not bad at all! Perhaps I shall keep you.

Katie:Err..if I may, My Master,...We WILL be using *ahem* um...protection, right?

Tom:Shut up, Kate. We're not having sex; we're just SAYING we're having sex. (leaves room, mumbling)fool

♥ Threadkilla!
Chaka Khan wrote me a theme song!!!

Submitted by Centaurious on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 7:12pm.

Tom and Jett Travolta were obviously quite close.

Touching, really.

Submitted by My Baby is a Tramp on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 7:04pm.

Katie's mouth is reliving her days with Chris Klein. I would imagine giving Tom a BJ would be like suckin on piece of candy corn. I don't like candy corn!

Bostonian here too and had the displeasure of seeing them several times. He is super small in person. They have a creepy vibe.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 6:58pm.

Submitted by HoityToity on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 12:54pm.
I am just curious--WHEN, WHY, did it get started that Tom likes peen?

Chad Slater, a gay porn star, said he had an affair with him while he was married to Kidman. Supposedly both of their wives separated them right after that came out. Cruise sued the porn star for defamation and the ex wife of the porn star, but he only won the case against the porn star, not the ex wife. He had to pay her legal fees.

Submitted by soul on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 6:31pm.

I thought Co$ members could not be overweight; so as not to crash the mothership when they go home.

p.s. WICHITA? Is Tom playing Dennis Rader? Kansans don't need you Tom, we got enough problems.

p.p.s. I heart the new DListed wallpaer, it's very very nice.

Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 6:14pm.

"Submitted by freebird on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 12:51pm.

What fake friend talks like that?"

A well compensated one.

"Two, is it just me, or does anyone else get a "Dukakis in the tank" vibe from seeing Tommy all dressed up in his cop outfit?"

HA! This fellow Bostonian concurs.
_________
I wish it was like the 70's and it was still ok to kick someone's ass. Damn

Submitted by misfitwendy on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 6:12pm.

YMCA!

Submitted by cowboyinsweden on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 5:32pm.

Hhahhahahaha
Hetro sex is the last thing I think about when I see u tommy. Itdoesnt even cross my Mind that they could be a real couple :/

kitties <3

Submitted by kate773 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 5:23pm.

2 comments. One, why is a movie called Witchita being filmed in Boston? I live in Boston and thank God I havent seen this fucker yet. Two, is it just me, or does anyone else get a "Dukakis in the tank" vibe from seeing Tommy all dressed up in his cop outfit?

Submitted by Always_Golden on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 5:07pm.

404 Error?? LMFAO, MK, you are too damn much!*dies laughin*
--------------------------

Stupid should hurt.

Submitted by Centaurious on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 5:00pm.

@KhensuHetep:God help me that my marriage EVER gets like this...
_______________________________

Are you a closet-queen, midget, egomaniacal, follower of L. Ron Hubbard?

If not, you'll be fine! :)

Submitted by Paige123 on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:54pm.

t usually you brag about having sex all the time that means you are NOT having sex or you BARELY have sex.

Submitted by kokoskitten on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:41pm.

it's so true that the more you have to brag about/leak stories that the less sex is going on...i have a roomate who fancies himself as the latino jon gosselin i.e. he is ALWAYS talking about what a pimp he is/how much "fuckin pussy" he gets (he is 32)...and he's home every night with a bunch of dudes in his room doing "macho" shit like watching football or rapping to themselves outloud....well wait a minute i'm sure he's getting laid but i doubt it's pussy...kind of like tom

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:32pm.

God help me that my marriage EVER gets like this...

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Now we are the crow which contemplated the silence...

Submitted by Centaurious on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:23pm.

I see she's practicing his favorite position.

Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:13pm.

I guess Katie chasing Tom non-stop around the bed for sex would make him lose weight.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 4:02pm.

Submitted by freebird on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 12:51pm.

What fake friend talks like that?
**************************************

A gay one;p

♥ Threadkilla!
Chaka Khan wrote me a theme song!!!

Submitted by Sookie on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:51pm.

"You can't handle the cooch!"
**

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

________________________________________________
"This is straight up fuckery."
His Holiness MK, 9/03/08

Submitted by Paquita on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:30pm.

Hi smurfy!!

@ little rascal..... I thought Justin Timbertool too!!
but yeah makes sense that is J Travolta LOL

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Is this real life?

Submitted by shut the smurf up on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:24pm.

Hi Paquita!
I had a very long dry spell before HD.I know what are you saying :S

....But that’s vulgar and gross to me: exploding assholes, exploding brains. And Christian sites are vulgar to me, too. Michael K

Submitted by little_rascal on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:23pm.

@ Dr. Funk
................
Uh oh... I think I misunderstood you! You said you knew a guy who banged Cruise and JT. I thought JT means Justin Timberlake!!! But you actually meant John Travolta? Oh dear, I feel so stupid.

Submitted by Paquita on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:22pm.

Hey peeps, how's everyone??

It's funny how they try and make it sound like they have sex and want to have more, when they only have it "to lose weight" and they have to schedule it. fucking lame.

But any kind of sex is good right now, it's been a couple of months for me now...ok just one, but still... .....LOL

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Is this real life?

Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:15pm.

Submitted by DiamondDawg on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 1:24pm.

WHAT? That list is totally incomplete. It's missing:

Miquel Brown "So Many Men, So Little Time"
Kelly Marie: "It Feels Like I'm in Love"
Sylvester: "(You Make Me Feel) Mighty Real" and "Dance,(Disco Heat)"
Erlene Bently: "The Boys Come to Town (Around Midnight)"
Bronski Beat: "Smalltown Boy"
Paul Parker: "Right On Target"

Aint NO tea dance complete without these. Take it from an old disco queen, honey...these always still pack the floor.

"Rhoda, we're all aware that you're an adroit liar"

Submitted by TITS on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 3:02pm.

Submitted by Chirio on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 1:22pm.

lol not sure if I should laugh or go lay down for too much information. ew

Coma Caca!!
*

when in doubt, nap.

eat shit to you too!

.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Yeah that's like hypnotizing chickens.

Submitted by zomay on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 2:51pm.

Oh what the fuck. These two have to announce their sex life!

Ahhhhaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaa.

Yea right.

Submitted by shut the smurf up on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 2:36pm.

They sound like a loving couple.... they only have sex for the calories burn...you can tell they are crazy about each other.... well maybe just crazy. Fuckers.

....But that’s vulgar and gross to me: exploding assholes, exploding brains. And Christian sites are vulgar to me, too. Michael K