Kevin Jonas Might Be Getting His Cherry Popped Tonight
22-year-old Kevin Jonas became a husband today after marrying 23-year-old Danielle Deleasa, a native of Planet Haylie Duff. Kevin and Danielle's wedding (aka their pre devirginizing ceremony) took place at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Danielle wore a gown by Vera Wang and Kevin wore a nervous smile on his face because he knew he would have to try to get his dick to stand up and deliver tonight.
Kevin's brothers, Nick and Joe, served as his best men. The reception tent was decorated to look like some kind of winter wonderland. And Noah Cyrus was kind enough to entertain guests during cocktail hour with her pole dance to "Smack That."
Right after his wedding, Kevin told People, "We're so happy that we're finally married and we were able to share the special moment with family, friends and loved ones." And then he started bawling into his own hands, because he realized that he would have to look at a vagina in just a few hours.
Although, it's a good thing that outside looks like the top of Lindsay Lohan's coffee table. If Kevin pulls a Tommy Girl by going limp after touching real-life boobies, he could just blame it on the weather. Then they can watch Mean Girls on cable and Danielle, who is a former hairstylist, can tame those beasts over Kevin's eyes. Hopefully, Kevin gets plucked one way or another tonight.
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oh my god its so wet and warm!! that's kevin's first words upon entering into a vagina for the first times.
It's about time one of them pulled some ass. Good for him :)
Of all the chicks he could pick he chose that?! She is a fugly girl who looks like my little pony. I wonder if she's his beard.
She looks like that fugly Hailey Duff. Blech!
Submitted by connieculkins on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 3:16pm.
HI CONNIE! Still trying to sell us on your v-card, huh?
Come on. Which one of us are you? We know you ain't serious! BWAH!
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Never step into the path of a single woman and the last kielbasa sausage, it is very dangerous. That is dinner and a date all in one! - urmomma
Why is her face twice as big as his?
Weird looking couple.
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I was a virgn on my wedding night too.
Pleco! lol
there is no way Joe and Nick are virgins. they just have a look in their eyes that shows humor at their image to me.
I am off to The Magic Castle for Brunch! see you all later!!!
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You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
- Natalie Merchant
Final thought...I'm sure these two have done everything but.
Butt too, actually.
No surprises for either one, possible hypocrites! :)
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"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."
Pleco, LOL. Good anecdote....
Well, I can't imagine the Long Island Supercuts has much of a national following.
As far as his hair goes, you're right..it's really fine but curly, I would guess that if you look at it from above it'd look like Dolores the Bear's.
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"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."
I believe in saving your virginity for the one person you will spend your life with but I also think that person should save it for you. It would definitely be too hard to deal with if you've had no one else and that person has been with others. Not because you've "missed out" or want to "catch up"; that's ridiculous. But because you should be the only ones sharing each other. If your partner has been with other people then he or she is taking away from giving his/er whole self to you. That's my opinion, I'm sure in this day and age a lot of you don't agree and think sex is "just sex" but I see it as the ultimate thing to share your being and your body with someone.
Submitted by Centaurious on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 12:31pm.
If she's an ex-hairdresser, why does her hair look like that.
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There was an old anecdote I once read, Centy, about a guy who went into a town with only two barbers. One had a great haircut, the other one's hair looked like a horrid mess.
He had his hair cut by the barber with the horrid hair.
Assumption? If they were the only two barbers in town, they must cut each other's hair.
Which is no way, shape, or form excuses this ho's appearance. Jussayin'
ETA: As for the Ugly Jonas' hair, don't worry. It'll all recede in abut a couple years, tops.
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Bottom-feeder.
From Purity Rings to Cock Rings
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http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe for "Heaux Confessionals©", delivered to your inbox and other holes:
xadesmultimedia@gmail.com
If she's an ex-hairdresser, why does her hair look like that.
Wait...why does HIS hair look like that?!
_________________________________
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."
Submitted by Bree on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 12:05pm.
Oh I completely agree! I'd rather be alone with my kids than dealing with that crap. I really don't see the advantage of the whole purity thing. God knows your true intentions, and if you're pure for your partner..so what? That doesn't mean they are for you, that means the sex will suck for a while, and it means everything is just awkward when it's supposed to be fun.
My ex's mom is in her mid fifties and says "I'm proud to say my husband is the only man I have given myself to."
Really? Because he's given himself to a whole fleet of other women and she knows it, so it just makes her look like a JOKE. I'm glad the majority of society has more sense than this.
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ITA. A joke is exactly what these women look like to everyone else. I can't fathom how they don't understand that. I would honestly rather living in a shelter with my children and trying to pick myself up and dust off, than to live a life like that.
I guess you and I have more pride than that, though.
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♥*♥*♥*♥*♥* Why do you ride women that look like men?! Why do you ride hippos?! *♥*♥*♥*♥*♥
Submitted by The Audrey on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 11:31am.
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Oh I completely agree! I'd rather be alone with my kids than dealing with that crap. I really don't see the advantage of the whole purity thing. God knows your true intentions, and if you're pure for your partner..so what? That doesn't mean they are for you, that means the sex will suck for a while, and it means everything is just awkward when it's supposed to be fun.
My ex's mom is in her mid fifties and says "I'm proud to say my husband is the only man I have given myself to."
Really? Because he's given himself to a whole fleet of other women and she knows it, so it just makes her look like a JOKE. I'm glad the majority of society has more sense than this.
Thanks, thebreakdown-love following you in your travels...
"You still owe me $1200, shetbag"
Submitted by FilthyBitch on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 11:43am.
Lemme borrow that top
"Don't be a betch."
OR
"Fuck you with something hard and sandpapery."
I lurvs me some Liam Kyle Sullivan...
"You still owe me $1200, shetbag"
She reminds me of Joey's sister from 'Friends'.
And it is interesting that I remember that, since I have seen like maybe 5 episodes of that show EVER.
love the avie, thegobbler.
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http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe for "Heaux Confessionals©", delivered to your inbox and other holes:
xadesmultimedia@gmail.com
Lemme borrow that top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blindsmack.wordpress.com/
Doctors, soldiers, actors,lawyer,why not a fuker?? FUKER: the most fashionable and the most profitable work!!!!.... Spammer (probably EH or just a floozy)
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 10:56am.
there is no way the other 2 Jonas boys are Virgins. They are cute, and have girls throwing themselves at them all the time.
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What if they're even better at slapping them away?
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Bottom-feeder.
Submitted by Raul Duke on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 11:10am.
Submitted by thegobbler on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 11:03am.
Would you gobble Raul's goo?
lol Yesssss, I am officially a dlister now that someone has made an obscene remark to me! :)
the gobbler is known for consuming things quickly, not consuming everything that presents itself...
"You still owe me $1200, shetbag"
Submitted by Bree on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 11:23am.
I used to feel for this girl, but after everything that's gone on, I can't muster up any sadness for her. She got herself into that mess, and has NO self-esteem because of this bastard. You would think she would just LEAVE HIS ASS. If that would be me, I would file for divorce and take him for all I could get, a la Elin Woods. No offense, but I feel the same way about your ex's mom. They willingly put themselves in that kind of situation. Anything would be better than living that life, to me.
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♥*♥*♥*♥*♥* Why do you ride women that look like men?! Why do you ride hippos?! *♥*♥*♥*♥*♥
This has "disaster" written all over it.
"Jesus and God really need to file a joint lawsuit against bitches for dragging their good names into unadulterated fuckery!" MK 2/15/09
Submitted by The Audrey on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 10:45am.
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Wow, that's extremely sad. I want to feel sorry for her, but at the same time these people use their crazy beliefs to justify that stupid behavior so then I can't feel sorry for them. My ex's father cheated on his mother and left them all when he was about 10, then came back to her. Being "Christian" and all, she didn't believe in divorce and they are still married even though he regularly scams on underage girls, jerks it to porn, and treats her like her place is in the kitchen.
I felt bad for her at first, but then I just became pissed off. Anybody who doesn't have enough respect for themselves or their children to get themselves out of that situation is difficult to pity.
EDIT: I don't mean regularly jerks it to porn (I love me some porn) I mean is so obsessed with it that he downloads it constantly, so much that he destroys the bandwidth for the entire house, and spends every waking hour jerking it at home while his wife is running HIS business.
Submitted by thegobbler on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 11:03am.
Would you gobble Raul's goo? ***********************************************************************************************
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Submitted by fishsticksfan
MAYBE MK would like a day off? huh? Or one morning off? Let him be for once. You guys are like slave drivers. It's Christmastime, the sunday before Christmas. Go read Perez if you're so desperate! Go catch up on laineygossip.com
Figures a Gwynnie fan would plug Lainey's site. ;)
I used to read Lainey religiously, but she has really lost her "edge" since going mainstream. (Read: going for the $$$) I still love her Chinese Squawking Chicken stories, though.
"You still owe me $1200, shetbag"
i wonder if he's losing his virginity right now. i can't even wrap my head around that image. two prudes seizuring all over each other and it lasting 45 seconds, then them crying because it was awkward.
there is no way the other 2 Jonas boys are Virgins. They are cute, and have girls throwing themselves at them all the time.
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What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
- Alanis Morrisette
When are the two other little homos gettin' their beards? ***********************************************************************************************
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Submitted by Bree on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 10:11am.
Not to be negative, but I find that "purity ring" kids turn out the worst. They marry young so they can have sex as soon as possible and it usually doesn't work out very well for them. Also, they get so over jazzed about how awesome sex is that they act like sixteen year olds for the longest time.
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Personal story... Skip over if you're not interested.
I know this Mormon girl who met and later married a very sucessful man (whose profession I'll leave out because it would seriously get me in trouble). Purity ring and virginal to boot. While she was back at home working at an upscale hotel's front desk, he was out traveling all over the world for business. While they were dating, he bought her the nicest damned apartment in the city, and sent her large monthly checks for her to live off of. Took her to Paris, Rome, Bora Bora, etc. She was absolutely head over heels for him. Truly and pathetically in love.
After about a year, it came to light that he cheated serially. She stayed, thinking she could change his "un-Christian" ways.
Marriage and pregnancy were almost simultaneous for them. He now continues to travel to Timbuktu and back, but swears to her that he isn't straying. However, he's gotten two other girls pregnant in the past year. She passes it off as them just trying to get some of his money.
She recently got pregnant again by her husband, and they made a big move across the country. It kills me that she doesn't wake up and smell the coffee.
I've wondered if it's just about the money, but she comes from a well to-do family herself. Maybe it's about the perks that come with his job? I don't know, but I could never be in a relationship like that.
I think if she would have just dated around a bit more, and had not been so concerned about finding "husband material" she would have never gotten into such a mess. She sees a therapist twice a week, and her kids stay with the nanny most of the time while she wallows in her own self-pity. She doesn't believe in divorce, so she stays, and allows herself to be walked all over.
I'm sure that 99% of all "purity ring" virgins do not have lives that end up like this, but it's a good tale of warning. *shrugs*
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♥*♥*♥*♥*♥* Why do you ride women that look like men?! Why do you ride hippos?! *♥*♥*♥*♥*♥
This girl looks like Jughead in a wig.
Oh Lord... MK got a new cheerleader I see.
FYI fishsticksfan - we all love him.
And if you don't get someone saying "get the fuck up" you probably don't get MK either.
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Doctors, soldiers, actors,lawyer,why not a fuker?? FUKER: the most fashionable and the most profitable work!!!!.... Spammer (probably EH or just a floozy)
Morning!!
Coma Caca!!
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Hello make an "Appointment" with The Back End of me, the FUDGE PACKER!
good morning everyone! yeah, leave MK alone....lol
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What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
- Alanis Morrisette
Submitted by EvilShoe on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 10:08am.
Are you kidding me? The ugly Jonas gets married?
Whatever.
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LOL EvilShoe!!! "A native of Planet Haylie Duff" is fucking funny!!
I have no snark yet. Must.have.coffee. ouch.
Michael posts the way he does for one simple reason:
Time Zones
:)
I agree with Albatross, wake up MK!!!!!!!!!
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Take a bow, freak. Jack-n-the-hat 10-5-2009
For what purpose was this created? A goddamn project for whore school? Sophie_003 10-6-2009
oops double post! my bad!
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Take a bow, freak. Jack-n-the-hat 10-5-2009
For what purpose was this created? A goddamn project for whore school? Sophie_003 10-6-2009
They're only married so that they don't need to feel bad about fucking.
Remember though: God knows the true intentions behind your actions.
Do not try to deceive him with your bullshit.
It's two late for these two cunts though. They will burn in hell.
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@ZiggyStardust:
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!- angel_i
Wake up, MK! I'm sick of looking at these two ugly people!
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"Boy was so bursting with fruity goodness I could almost taste the effin' rainbow." - Plecostomus 12/15/09
Not to be negative, but I find that "purity ring" kids turn out the worst. They marry young so they can have sex as soon as possible and it usually doesn't work out very well for them. Also, they get so over jazzed about how awesome sex is that they act like sixteen year olds for the longest time.
And its a good thing she's not relying on her original profession because no way she was a good hairdresser if she lets that boy run around with that rag on his head like that.
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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
This is not a picture of the wedding gown. The Peepoo link has the deets:
"Danielle looked like a princess...When she walked down the aisle in her strapless tulle and Chantilly lace Vera Wang gown...Kevin couldn't stop smiling."
He knows he's getting to slip her the WANG BONE tonight.
♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠
Santa said "Look, in the snow
A traveling bordello show
Nice little lookers
I counted three hookers
Which leads me to say: Ho Ho Ho!"
Are you kidding me? The ugly Jonas gets married?
Whatever.
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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Come on over, urmomma! The more, the merrier.
*setting up a place for urmomma*
It just came out of the oven... Mmmm.
Ok urmomma, I know you want to keep your children unsullied and all but you have to educate them and pray that their "firsts" will be later in life and good, loving people.
It's all you can do!
Edited: Ok, I'm dressing to shovel after all - it's too much! Hopefully, I'll be back later!
Submitted by MizRo on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 9:34am.
You too Centy - enjoy your Sunday!
urmomma: Thank you for the warm thoughts love!
An apple crisp is a peeled, sliced apple, with cinnamon-crumb and butter-topping baked confection. Yummy and easy and delicious with vanilla ice cream!
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OH.MY.THAT.SOUNDS.DELICIOUS.
*puts on snow boots and heads to MizRo's house*
Joy to your world.xoxoxoxoxoxo.
Submitted by Centaurious on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 9:33am.
Seriously, is this the actual wedding pic?
"Wardrobe provided by Men's Wearhouse and Tijuana souvenir stand."
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heheheheeee. No. That cannot be a Vera Wang! I did not have a Vera Wang (I would have rocked it, though), but my Momma made my wedding dress. Beautiful. Corset top with a full bottom and my step-Mopsa embroidered 3 shamrocks on the bottom of the gown. We were married on St Patrick's Day.
Joy to your world.xoxoxoxoxoxo.
You too Centy - enjoy your Sunday!
urmomma: Thank you for the warm thoughts love!
An apple crisp is a peeled, sliced apple, with cinnamon-crumb and butter-topping baked confection. Yummy and easy and delicious with vanilla ice cream!