Happy New Year!
Can you believe the decade is already over? It seems like it was just yesterday that we were all boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2000. And now we're going to be boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2010! CRAZY! Time flies when you're a drunken whore.
Anyway, I want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year! And if you've already banged in the new year, I want to wish you good luck, because I'm sure your drunk ass is doing one of the following right now: a) trying to protect your asshole in jail b) trying to break into your local free clinic to get a hold of a morning-after pill or c) trying to find a church that is still open so that you can cleanse your sin-covered skin in a bowl of holy water.
And I also want to thank you for joining me during this year full of fuckery. When I dry heaved, you dry heaved right next to me. When I slapped my nipples and pinched my taint, you slapped your nipples and pinched your taint right next to me. When I worshiped at the feet of Chicken Cutlets, you logged off and called Bellevue. We did it together. And hopefully, we'll do it all over again next year.
Speaking of Chicken Cutlets, here she is to wish all of you a frecklelicious 2010! Now log off and call Bellevue. I'll be waiting with a Straitjacket Snuggie on. Happy New Year!
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Thank you Michael K.!!! You keep me laughing everyday!!!!!
Michael K, Know this, when the day is shit - there is no where else to turn, I turn to you. The funniest, most honest
writer on the internet. YOU. The first to do caption this,birthday sluts, and invented the word fuckery. We love you because your
YOU. And what we've all found it in reading your blog, is....we all have more in common than we think in observing the world together. You make the world that allows Lindsay Lohan to exist make more sense. Only you can spell out and explain things the way you do. I'm a conservative, Catholic, Mom in suburbia who loves your work - and I know I'm not alone. Thanks Michael - hopefully you'll land some cush job writing for Hollywood in 10' in addition to your blog, Heaven knows they are in need of people who are actually funny AND can write. You're a shoe in.
Save the Males.
Happy new year to all the sluts that follow this blog!
Happy New Year sluts. Hope 2010 brings happiness and prosperity to us all!
Thanks for keeping me entertained for several years now, MK--best thing on the internet! And, thanks for making things such as "ho stroll" and "sweet nectar" part of my every day vocabulary. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year MK. I Dont post comments, but i am secretly in love with Dlisted!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR MK! Thanks for entertaining us with such fun, witty, snarky but never nasty or mean writing! Have a great 2010!
Happy New Year Michael K and to Dlisted readers all over the world!!
Submitted by MizRo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 2:46pm.
DD: pigeon breeding has been going for YEARS on NY roofs - a tradition for some families.
Since 2001, I have lost really, really close family members: 2 Grandmothers, one Uncle, my Brother (my brother!), and my Dad.
The birds started flying in before my Dad's death, not the others; he even caught one for me because I couldn't
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Wow. So there really is something to that superstition!
I had no idea you guys had it so bad with the pigeons.
I can see why you'd want to move, Angel!
I started to have a pigeon problem, but then we moved. My neighbor had the problem BAD. A little pigeon family had set up house between the top of door frame and the roof of this old Victorian. Pigeon poop is stubborn, too - hard to clean it.
The coo-ing would make our dog bark. lol
I am back!
Let's see how long thıs lasts before I pass out again!
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http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe for "Heaux Confessionals©", delivered to your inbox and other holes:
xadesmultimedia@gmail.com
Submitted by DiamondDawg on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 2:38pm.
Submitted by MizRo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 2:25pm.
DD *hug*, on the D! Tell BH DD to come to NY - he will see all the pigeons his heart desires!! They are mostly considered flying rats here, they eat the worst you can think of and are all different shades of dirty.
Sea lions touch my heart: really think they all fell into almost-extinction just like that? Breaks my heart! No remains is an odd thing: something catastrophic and paranormal about it,like the Bermuda Triangle.
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I didn't know this until fairly recently (a couple years ago), but there are people who BREED PIGEONS! That's why we're now seeing white pigeons or pigeons with white and carmel brown feathers.
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O yeah, man. People breed all kinds of shit in the urban jungle. Once an escaped hen layed eggs in my backyard!
But all kinds of people have pigeons. I'm pretty sure it's part of the reason I have an issue with them over here - I also live behind a laneway with restaurants on it. All that and the people downstairs who just ignored their balcony for 3 years. See why I should just move?
♥ Threadkilla!
A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it...
~ Don't look at me! I didn't say that!
Fleas Navidad, Pleco!!
DD: pigeon breeding has been going for YEARS on NY roofs - a tradition for some families.
Since 2001, I have lost really, really close family members: 2 Grandmothers, one Uncle, my Brother (my brother!), and my Dad.
The birds started flying in before my Dad's death, not the others; he even caught one for me because I couldn't.
I hope the sea lions did flee: I don't like when wild, beautiful animals perish.
EDITED: YAH!!!!!! Sea lions are alive and well.
OH HEY, UPDATE ON THE SEA LIONS!! They've been found! But there WAS an earthquake last week in N. Mexico that shook San Diego.
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http://www.foxreno.com/news/22094443/detail.html
Missing Pier 39 Sea Lions May Have Headed South
Posted: 6:03 pm PST December 30, 2009
MOSS LANDING, Calif. -- Scientists and tourists who have been puzzled by the recent disappearance of hundreds of sea lions at Pier 39 may be relieved to learn that at least some of those aquatic mammals have turned up at a now crowded harbor in Monterey County.
The moss landing harbor visitors' dock has been entertaining a good deal more foot traffic the past few days because of the arrival of scores of sea lions. While the mammals are far from an unusual sight at the dock, in the past week the sea lions have practically taken over the harbor.
"I can't believe how many there are here,” said Everett Walker who was visiting from the town of Longview in Washington state. “I started counting and I estimated there must be close to a thousand there on that thing over there."
It was an amazing sight, even for people who regularly come to moss landing mainly to see the sea otters.
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I suppose we'll take a drive to Monterey...
Submitted by MizRo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 2:25pm.
DD *hug*, on the D! Tell BH DD to come to NY - he will see all the pigeons his heart desires!! They are mostly considered flying rats here, they eat the worst you can think of and are all different shades of dirty.
Sea lions touch my heart: really think they all fell into almost-extinction just like that? Breaks my heart! No remains is an odd thing: something catastrophic and paranormal about it,like the Bermuda Triangle.
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I didn't know this until fairly recently (a couple years ago), but there are people who BREED PIGEONS! That's why we're now seeing white pigeons or pigeons with white and carmel brown feathers.
Re: the sea lion thing - I think they may be prescient and swam to a safer area. Also, those schools of fish that end up dead or, say, beached whales, are often lately the victims of sonar testimg. Fg military!
US Navy Admits Its Sonar Killed Whales
By Cat Lazaroff Environment News
WASHINGTON, DC (ENS) - The U.S. Navy and the National Marine Fisheries Service have released a report acknowledging the role that the Navy's experimental sonar played in the deaths of 17 marine mammals in the Bahamas last year. The report is the agency's first official admission that sonar may contribute to whale beachings.
The interim report finds that the March 2000 stranding of 16 whales and a dolphin on Bahamian beaches was caused "by the unusual combination of several contributory factors acting together."
The Navy and NMFS concluded that the presence of the whales in a restrictive ocean channel, during calm water conditions which reflect and amplify sounds, caused the Navy's sonar to damage the whale's ears, leading them to beach themselves.
http://www.lfas.net/usnavyadmitsitssonarkilledwhales.htm
FELIZ ANONUEVO, HORZ!!!!
*hugs MizRo*
*izatchu in the avie, DD?*
*where mah bitchez at?*
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Bottom-feeder.
Gorge your eyes on Gorgeous Georgina : http://sites.google.com/site/gorgeousgeorginashow/home
Submitted by Jill-The-Ripper on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 2:21pm.
I always heard it meant someone is gonna die if a bird taps on your window. Not too sure what it means if one croaks on your balcony. A bat flew down my chimney once and it was really scary, I managed to get it outta the house using a broom and opening the front door.
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I think the superstition is that if a bird FLIES into your house, someone in the family will die.
Birds bring messages - as I understand it. I heard that animal deaths = endings in other parts of your (the universal your) life.
I would only be worried if the bird were a HAWK. Crows and Ravens (even deceased) bring good luck. Hawks are warnings. They suggest only that you pay attention, something unexpected may be on the way.
The guy who was the director of the place I last worked at died within a year of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. There had been a Harris Hawk parked on/in the tree for months before and after his diagnosis.
ETA: Its like the hawk was the harbinger of death, imo.
DD *hug*, on the D! Tell BH DD to come to NY - he will see all the pigeons his heart desires!! They are mostly considered flying rats here, they eat the worst you can think of and are all different shades of dirty.
Sea lions touch my heart: really think they all fell into almost-extinction just like that? Breaks my heart! No remains is an odd thing: something catastrophic and paranormal about it,like the Bermuda Triangle.
Jill-the-Ripper: hloy shit! A bat!
Submitted by MizRo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 2:17pm.
Hi DD, happy 2010 morn/noon.
You poor dear, that must have been awful. *big hugs*
I feel like a pariah today - no one wants to play with me.. Sadness.
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On the D or IRL??
In both cases, it appears that most people are still "out" - recovering from the hangover. Plus, there really isn't anything to do on new year's day, is there? Just watching the Rose Parade and waiting for the Bowl game...
I always heard it meant someone is gonna die if a bird taps on your window. Not too sure what it means if one croaks on your balcony. A bat flew down my chimney once and it was really scary, I managed to get it outta the house using a broom and opening the front door.
Submitted by MizRo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 1:33pm.
Anel_i: I have come home to birds, yes, BIRDS (plural), flying around my basement and my house proper when I had a nest in one of my air vents.
Twas terrifying trying to get them out - thank goodness it was only one at a clip, but I did feel like I was living la vida Hitchcock!
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HNY, Mizro!
We went to Bodega Bay a couple weeks ago. I think the BH (Better Half, not Bitch Half!), seriously thought we would see hundreds of pigeons. Doh. There were only gulls. He was also hoping to see SEA LIONS, but there were none. Kokoskitten freaked out last week that sea lions had disappeared from Pier 39 (?) in S.F. Some people were saying they disappeared before the last earthquake in the Bay Area (I can't remember when that was). The news peeps said that the sea lions were gone, but no remains have been found, that is, they weren't dead en masse.
Sooooo... Bodega Bay is still really pretty and small-ish.
Happy New Year. Thank you for introducing nalgas to my vocabulary.
Hi DD, happy 2010 morn/noon.
You poor dear, that must have been awful. *big hugs*
I feel like a pariah today - no one wants to play with me.. Sadness.
Back when I lived in AZ and the cats had the run of the neighborhood, every spring they would catch and kill pigeons and mourning doves in our LIVING ROOM. They would bring them in through the doggie door! No one in the family ever died.
It was awful having to clean up bird blood - its CRIMSON. After awhile, we called particular areas of the living room "kill sites."
Whenever I could, I would scream at the cat(s) and rescue the bird.
They also used to bring in LIZARDS, esp. geckos.
@DD- hmm, i just may....
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"And I went through this whole thing; am I gay?! Am I straight?! And I realized: I'm just slutty." ~Margaret Cho
"This is supposed to be about delicious booze!" ~MK
I love you MK!! Thank you for giving me a Laugh-Out-Loud, knee-slapping, happy 2009. I look forward to laughing with you in 2010 and beyond.
We love you and wish you much success and happiness this new year. But...when you hit the big time, DON'T FORGET US LITTLE SLUTS!
Waiting for Britney's next meltdown...
*laughing heartily*
Well, you know your bird sitch best!
Anel_i: I have come home to birds, yes, BIRDS (plural), flying around my basement and my house proper when I had a nest in one of my air vents.
Twas terrifying trying to get them out - thank goodness it was only one at a clip, but I did feel like I was living la vida Hitchcock!
Submitted by MizRo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 1:20pm.
angel_i: as long as it isn't a crow, you're all good!
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Eep! If only that were true.
Alas, what has happened is the pigeons that I fight 24/7 already from nesting on my balcony are now totally storming the joint. And I don't want to go near that thing. Blech.
I know what it means. I have to move.
♥ Threadkilla!
A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it...
~ Don't look at me! I didn't say that!
angel_i: as long as it isn't a crow, you're all good!
Triston, my love!! You were a good heaux!
Happy New Year my love and to all, a better, brighter, more loving and prosperous yaer!!
MK, I just can't quit you darling!
Damn. A pigeon just DIED on my balcony! WTF kinda sign is THAT?! Ugh. It totally just looks like it sat down in the chair and died.
♥ Threadkilla!
A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it...
~ Don't look at me! I didn't say that!
Who wears tennis whites to church?
I have to take a dump but it's too big to come out. Great way to start my new year! Ugh.
DD I am totally not into modern music but JLo was pushing her new album. She looked all wired up in her interview with (Ryan Gaycrest? Whoever the ABC host was) prior to her performance and she had a nudish-looking catskin overlaid with something dark, sheer, and nasty.
Did not watch any other show.
Hahahaha. You are so fucking funny. Happy New Year! Thanks for keeping me non-productive at work!
I get it, Angle. Maybe you'll have an epiphany later.
I'm watching the Rose Parade! They have some very cool entries. One was a horse cavalry or something - they rescued horses and gave them food, shelter, love, and training! I was brougth to tears yesterday by this story about horse slaughterhouses.
Submitted by shandiRW on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:57pm.
Time flies when you're a drunken whore.
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oh my DIES laughing. thank you M.K. for making me laugh every fucking day, happy new year! and hahaha, one of my resolutions was church, but i'm catholic and think i will burst into flames upon entering! the holy water will singe my eyebrows!
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ShandiRW, if I can go to Mass and not burst into flames, I can ASSURE you, you will NOT burst into flames, either. GO to Mass! I like Saturday 5:30pm - most people are in the tennis whites.
@ EL_B - sorry, I'm an idjot. I never saw that.
@DD: I went to a bonfire at dawn. I'm not really talking about it cuz I'm just kinda doing it cuz I'm supposed to, I'm not having any huge realizations or anything - not really attuned to the cycles, exactly...I'm just going through the motions...it feels good but it also feels like it's fucking with my focus which I'm already having a hard time gathering...anyway, yeah. It was nice:)
♥ Threadkilla!
A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it...
~ Don't look at me! I didn't say that!
Submitted by Jill-The-Ripper on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:47pm.
I forgot to bring my Ambien with me when I went out last night so I could not sleep.
:(
I also wanted to say JLo looked like an idiot last night (very twitchy too), I found it humorous that Skeletor had skulls on his jacket sleeves, and Dick Clark fucking terrifies me!
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I totally missed all that.
Did you see a clip of Kathy Griffin trying to drop an F-Bomb with Mah Boo?
http://www.examiner.com/x-11484-Boston-TV-Examiner~y2010m1d1-Kathy-Griff...
Time flies when you're a drunken whore.
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oh my DIES laughing. thank you M.K. for making me laugh every fucking day, happy new year! and hahaha, one of my resolutions was church, but i'm catholic and think i will burst into flames upon entering! the holy water will singe my eyebrows!
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"And I went through this whole thing; am I gay?! Am I straight?! And I realized: I'm just slutty." ~Margaret Cho
"This is supposed to be about delicious booze!" ~MK
Submitted by El Bastardo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:43pm.
I've only had anal sex once....she was AMERICAN!!! SLUTS
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You know I'm in my 40's, right? Well, I didn't know the lyrics to David Bowie's "Young Americans" until last month. Here they are, partially:
They pulled in just behind the bridge
He lays her down, he frowns
"Gee my life's a funny thing, am I still too young?"
He kissed her then and there
She took his ring, took his babies
It took him minutes, took her nowhere
Heaven knows, she'd have taken anything, but
All night
She wants the young American
Young American, young American, she wants the young American
All right
She wants the young American
Scanning life through the picture windows
She finds the slinky vagabond
He coughs as he passes her Ford Mustang, but
Heaven forbid, she'll take anything
But the freak, and his type, all for nothing
He misses a step and cuts his hand, but
Showing nothing, he swoops like a song
She cries "Where have all Papa's heroes gone?"
All night
She wants the young American
Young American, young American, she wants the young American
All right
She wants the young American
ﺀ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
Well ElB you have had anal one more time than I have.
Damn! I was all excited for the Winter Classic hockey on NBC (on topic a New Year's Day tradition) then I realized that idiot Pierre McGuire will probably be commenting. I am a Pens fan but I hope Boston kicks the Phillies' asses.
Submitted by urmomma on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:49pm.
Submitted by El Bastardo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:43pm.
I've only had anal sex once....she was AMERICAN!!! SLUTS!
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Ahahahahaa!
I like bread...
*smacks ELB on the arm and runs away*
"'Allo Sue!" :o)
Diamond Dawg??? Its the marathon Man Eddie Izzard!!
Submitted by El Bastardo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:44pm.
You mean Shannyn Sossamon?
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*runs to bookshelf, lugs down ginormous Google book*
Y, yes! Yes, I do! I don't even care who she is.
And no - I won't be needing that Ambien after all.
♥ Threadkilla!
A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it...
~ Don't look at me! I didn't say that!
Submitted by El Bastardo on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:43pm.
I've only had anal sex once....she was AMERICAN!!! SLUTS!
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Ahahahahaa!
I like bread...
*smacks ELB on the arm and runs away*
Time flies when you're a drunken whore.~MK
I forgot to bring my Ambien with me when I went out last night so I could not sleep.
:(
I also wanted to say JLo looked like an idiot last night (very twitchy too), I found it humorous that Skeletor had skulls on his jacket sleeves, and Dick Clark fucking terrifies me!
Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:17pm.
Submitted by DiamondDawg on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:14pm.
Good morning everyone!
Angle, how ya doin'? I'm calling you "Angle" from now on, on account of Sandbitch saying it last night, lol.
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I'm great, thanks! And yes - DO call me "Angle" if you like. It's Benji Madden's pet name for me:)
I know this non-hangover of which you speak. I'm *still* up so now I just feel high. Which I'm not. Yet. ;p
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I love you, Angle.
You never did say why you stayed up all night...
@ElB - your avie is so "coy" - who is that beeyooteeful person in it? You?
@ angel
Oh.my.yes, I see. He is,errr, pretty.
*takes away angel's sharpie and barbie make-up stash*
:)
Time flies when you're a drunken whore.~MK
Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 01/01/2010 - 12:42pm.
@ElB: Does that count if you're up all night having Ambien sex with Tila Tequila?
You mean Shannyn Sossamon? No need for drugs there!
I've only had anal sex once....she was AMERICAN!!! SLUTS!