John Mayer Admits He's The Biggest Jerk-Off In The World
In a new interview with Rolling Stone, John Mayer continues to sound like a teenage character in a John Hughes movie who just had his first hit of the good shit.
John queefs about everything from how he can't stop making his penis barf to how he's looking for the Joshua Tree of vaginas (to go with his Death Valley of penises).
John gives me Tourettes. One second, I'm laughing at the ridiculous shit he says (i.e. brain bath, more butt holes than a proctologist), and the next second I'm punching myself in the froat for jacking him off even more with my laughs. I mean, just when you think John's bowels are completely empty, he makes you pinch your nostrils by barfing up even more diarrhea.
Put on your rain boats and venture into John's lake of bullshit:
John on being rejected by chicks at club:
"Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!"John on finding the Joshua Tree of baginas:
"All I want to do now is fuck the girls I've already fucked, because I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I'd be interested in them, and they're going, 'But you're John Mayer!' So I'm going backwards to move forward. I'm too freaked out to meet anybody else. Do you think it's going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn't it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren't we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there,too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?"John on jacking himself off every second of the day:
"I am the new generation of masturbator. I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It¹s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself."John on burning Aniston:
"I'm the asshole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal. I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I've had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is fucking fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.' I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. It's been a long time since I've felt attached. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it."John on the gay rumors:
"I don't care about anything other than energy. That's why people think, 'Is he bi? Is he that?' I've never slept with a man. But I get it. I've seen pictures of men on the Internet that are sexier than pictures of most women."
You kind of have to laugh while punching yourself in the froat like me, because what in the fuck of fucks? This is like getting a colonic while completely stoned.
• 
This dick brain is just too much for words. I cannot possibly articulate how big a douche I think he is or how much I hate him! my vocabulary is not large enough.
Clearly John has mastered one instrument.
Perhaps he should learn to master his guitar.
The last person to shake his hand must be elbow deep in a vat of Purrell.
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Snow Patrol
Album: Eyes Open
Song: Chasing Cars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_gnmBtM49U&feature=fvw
his body is wonderland, his mind is a douche
Can someone please remind me why so many people hate this guy?? Um...I can't seem to remember why this guy is so hated.
He is seriously one of the worst male singers I have ever heard (he whispers instead of sings and he's nasally). But what really gets me are the retarded faces he makes when he "sings". He wants so badly to be taken seriously like some legendary blues singer. Whatever John, your head is the size of a weather balloon.
What a piece of shit. LOL.
i would beat the shit outta him in bed and cum all over his face!
I am going to say I like Gerard Butler better for Maniston. Even gross Butler is better than this douche bag.
Is that a carnation tattoo on his shoulder?!?
My vagina has never been so clean, never underestimate a good douche..
Worst case of diarrhea of the mouth ever. Or is it Swine flu? Foot & Mouth Disease?
No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.
I wish he'd die already. It's a difference between being a asshole but also being charming but when you are just an asshole it doesn't quite work.
what a pig
** http://feministguidetohollywood.blogspot.com **
*adds Addendum to Tigerlily's statement*
However, it must be noted, when one is only found to be comparable to Joe Francis as a positive, you must in fact be a Douche of drastic, catastrophic dimension.
/\
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something nice about John Mayer...Yes, I am and I don't care if I get flamed for it because it comes from the heart:
John Mayer is not as much as a douche as Joe Francis is....
I stand by my statement....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
To the person who posted the words DICK DINGLE in reference to John Mayer:
That has to be the most beautiful combination of words since 'cellar door' from Donnie Darko.
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"Do you even know who I am, fucking idiot?...Google me, you dumb fuck."
Dear John Mayer:
I hope your iPod dock falls in tub while you're taking a bath. Douche bag.
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"Do you even know who I am, fucking idiot?...Google me, you dumb fuck."
I hope he never gets to Benson any Hedges.
Douchebag in the highest.
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Pretentious fucking asshole.
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That lil' lint bastid will be back within the hour snorting your Borax with a rolled up dollar bill. Trust....TigerLilly 10.24.2008
He's full of sh*t! After reading that diarrhea, I'm convinced that anyone who finds him remotely attractive is either desperate or a gold digger or both. CLove, Lohan, and Heidi Fleiss all come to mind.
im convinced this man is gay. thats why he is so douchey. he need to channel his frustration somehow. he is definitely gay. and i feel sorry for the gay community for having this idiot to deal with.
A lot of people said he's an asshole and i didnt really get it (tbh dint really follow him we dont know him over here) untill now. what a douche.
John Mayer is the celebrity I hate the most in this world. He is such a tool. I cannot even verbally express the hate I have for this jerk.
he's fucking ugly and i still don't know what fucking songs he sings to this day i have never heard his music
This douchetwat gives my vagina not only the sads, but the nasties and the disgusteds. And everything he says makes my hand want to form a first and punch him in the face.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
Memories of the year that lies behind us
Wishes for the new year yet to come
And it stands to reason that good friends in season
Make you feel that life has just begun
I feel sorry for the young kids-they get the Disney tards passed off as Rock, and fucking John Mayer as Blues.
Sad.
His PR people must be so happy to work with such a complete idiot.
oh how fuking edgy..."i haven't slept with a man"...but i'm sure you've gotten your dick sucked plenty....
wow!! ummm...what a F***** jack ass!!
GROSS!!!!!!!
Coma Caca!
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I'd give him a massage with a happy ending..free of charge.
My guess is he has a dark complexioned, thicker than usual penis. mmhmm ..yeah that's what it is....he's hot as fuck.
"It is what it is"
Snideychick sez:
John Mayer translated:
"I have issues. Serious issues. Stay away. You've been warned!"
Even though, he's a giant douche and a HORRIBLE stand-up, he does give good tweets:
http://bit.ly/8TyKNX
http://www.TopTwitsBlog.com
All of the best celebrity tweets in one sarcastic package.
@Meh
I dunno, but I'll tell you this, he looks like he cums in his pants...
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Let me dirty up your mind.
Do you think he is any good in bed or actually all bullshit... I am rather curious.
This is your brain on meth...
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Let me dirty up your mind.
It's good that he finally admitted it. Irritating fuck.
This guy is a genuine douche.
Also, is he trying to justify being a chronic masturbater by attempting to sound smart?
WTH is wrong with this douche-nozzle?
What the fuck is this guy talking about? Can someone translate this shit for me? What the fuck did I just waste precious seconds of my life reading? /facepalm
It disturbs me that this guy has been rewarded with fame.
^^^^Just him?????
This guy is a loathsome creature. He just has no idea when to shut the fuck up. Moron!!
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I'm your huckleberry...
I hate him more with every interview.
goodamn asshole who jacks off to himself
while looking at the ceiling mirror
die already you miserable fuck
John just wants to be a stand up comic. So he says these stand up comicy kind of things in his interview. He wants so badly to be accepted by the stand up community.
He is just another star fucker.
he's a narcissist
YAWN! Get over yoursef fugly hack.
Are you telling me that not one of you hos would hit this? His hair is fucking sexy. I would just gag him with his third nipple and get on with bizness.
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Oh hell yeah! I didn't even read what he said, can't get past those bedroom eyes **Swoon**
It's a good thing he likes only very very stupid women (and I include Aniston in this group), because anyone with even a particle of brain would say "What IS this total bullshit?!" and leave. He's not nearly as pretty as he thinks he is (he looks like he has really bad breath) and I suppose his money is an attraction, but really. He's the king of insufferable douchebags.
Oh, and the masturbation thing: well, you are almost always photographed with a guitar, dude - which means your own tool is probably minuscule. And the reason [sensible] girls blow you off is that they're probably afraid of STDs.
For some odd reason I feel like I'd let him stick the tip in and then slap him silly while VERY stoned. WTF was he talking about anyway? A brain bath? I kinda dig it but the dude is a complete douchebag.
"When dick is rancid, you know as soon as you pull the fly down. Seriously, you can smell it right away. It's like a week-old grilled cheese sandwich lying on a hot subway seat in the middle of August."