The Ballad Of The Fire Hydrant
If you're a parent whose child needs to come up with an act for their school talent show, you don't need to look any further! THIS IS THEIR ACT! Two sources close to Elin Nordegren tell the Daily Beast what really happened the night Tiger Woods murdered a fire hydrant.
Since we already have a kiddy version of Jersey Shore, we're also going to need a dramatization of this performed by a bunch of 5-year-olds.
Read the details below and tell the kindergartners that rehearsal starts at NOON:
A few days before Tiger's SUV accident, The National Enquirer told his people that they were about to break the Rachel Uchitel story. Tiger immediately ran off to Elin to warn her about the story. Tiger dropped a waterfall of denials on Elin's head. Tiger told Elin that he only met Rachel twice, and never did sex with her. Elin didn't completely buy Tiger's denials.
The day before the fire hydrant died, Elin continued to tell Tiger that she didn't believe him. So Tiger orchestrated a phone call between his wife and Rachel. The two talked for 30-minutes, and Rachel played along by co-signing Tiger's denials. After that conversation, Elin believed that Tiger did not fuck that woman.
However on Thanksgiving, Elin read specific details in the Enquirer's story. Elin brought it up with Tiger and the two began to argue. After the argument, Tiger ran into the loving arms of his #1 girlfriend AMBIEN. Tiger gave oral to an Ambien and went to bed. While Tiger was having a white woman orgy in dreamland, Elin searched through his phone. She found a text from Rachel that said: "You are the one I've always loved." Elin wrote Rachel back pretending to be Tiger. Elin wrote shit like, "I miss you" and "When will we see each other again." At that point, Elin called Rachel and said, "I knew it was you." Rachel's response was, "Oh fuck." Bitch got CAUGHT.
Elin then woke Tiger up to scream at his ass. Tiger was still in an Ambien haze. During all the chaos, Tiger managed to text Rachel telling her that the jig was up and they were going to get a divorce. When Elin saw that he was texting Rachel again, she started punching at him. This was Tiger's cue to run out of the house. Elin chased him with a golf club and you know what happened next....
CURTAIN DOWN. APPLAUSE! Your child might not win first place in the talent show for The Ballad of the Fire Hydrant, but they will definitely earn a handful of side-eyes from the other parents. And that's worth so much more! Just use a pool noodle for the golf club, and a Tic-Tac for the Ambien pill.
And in more Tiger news, Elin apparently visited him in sex rehab. Your child can act that out in the sequel.
• 
LMAO, Mrs Patrick Campbell slays me. And there I was thinkng I'm the only one who looks at a mans hands and has thoughts like those. By the way Mrs campbell have you ever seen the naked picture of Brad Pitt? Talk about "thin meat"!
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Submitted by Mrs Patrick Campbell on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 3:43pm.
Tiger has 'thin meat' fingers.
Submitted by misslainey on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 9:33pm.
Elin is my new shero! Blondie's got it goin' on. She's a sista in disguise, because those are the same super sleuthing skills that I would've done. Love her!
Elin is now my favorite superhero with golf club in hand fighting off Tramp Stamp Cheaters.
No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.
LMFAO
Submitted by misslainey on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 9:33pm.
Elin is my new shero! Blondie's got it goin' on. She's a sista in disguise, because those are the same super sleuthing skills that I would've done. Love her!
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and then she whup a manho...wif a GOLF CLUB nonetheless???? AHAHAHAHAHA!
I don't condone violence and what Elin did was WRAWNG...but if lovin' her is WRAWNG, I don't wanna be right...yes I do...no I don't...Oh, Elin, you're a hard habit to break and did you ever know that you're my hero and:
*bustin' tiger move out on DListed dance floor*
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
Go Elin, go Elin, it's your birfday....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Ok, when is this coming to Broadway cause it definitely needs to be onstage under the bright lights, lol! Somebody alert Tyler Perry to this wonderful script!
Elin is my new shero! Blondie's got it goin' on. She's a sista in disguise, because those are the same super sleuthing skills that I would've done. Love her!
"Submitted by Alix on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 6:18pm.
This woman is now officially my IDOL!!!!!"
Cosigned Kikichanelconspiracy.
She had me at "I KNEW IT WAS YOU!!" All this time I thought she was some boring little Swedish girl. As someone who spent the majority of my childhood with a Finnish family, I should have known better. Those Scandinavians will fool you every time with their quiet, low key demeanor. Quiet until you try to fuck them, then throw their longboat in the River I'm Kick Your Ass and Viking OUT.
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If love had a dick I would eff with it. But it doesn't (it has a no crotch like Barbie).
I think Tiger always looks like his is ready to burst into tears. Guess he has good reason to cry now - given his dumbass extra marital activities.
So the real lesson to be learned here is...NEVER give your wife your damn phone!!! What WERE you thinking Tiger????
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This woman is now officially my IDOL!!!!!
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"I'm just going to stop at the 24-hour donut shop and then go home."
"What are you depressed about? Or celebrating?"
Reads like a Maury Povich episode!!
Why did Tyger waste all that money on those icky stinky fish?
Yuck!
I think that story sounds about right. I think Tiger is pretending to have a sex addiction and then will tell the press he is cured and wants to move on with his life. Most of the masses will buy the bullshit story and he will continue to win tons of boring golf games.
That pic says it all. Tiger is sitting there, thinking to himself "I could be fucking another slut", and Elin is sitting there, being loyal to her man. Just HILARIOUS...
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"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." - Brit's Tits
Men are programmed genetically to have a virtually irresistable urge to drop their seed in every hot woman they meet. I don't think it makes a guy a bad person if he is unable to resist a perfectly natural urge. Its also clearly not a disease.
Hahahaa. Good story.
Tiger has 'thin meat' fingers.
Is it really sex addiction if there's emotional affairs involved? I don't know much about actual, real sex addiction, but I would think they don't include all this, "I promise baby, I'll buy you a house..." "I love you and will leave my wife..." texting and whatnot.
elin knew he was fooling around and he embarassed her in public...tiger doesn't have a sex addiction, he got caught...i'm done with this whole story...divorce, take half and see the kids every other weekend and stfu..
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what you gonna do? tell mom and dad I put your dick sucking list on facebook?” – "i love facebook like you love cock..."
Lie-ger looks ill. Every damn picture of his hang dawg face has looked more and more depressed over the last few years. He looks weird. I reckon he and ambian and a few others like Vicodin are real tight. Thats not just sex addiction its drugs. Overworked and depressed and looking to the pussay and the pills to make it all go away. Er.....FAIL.
I'll burn that bridge when I come to it....
No fucking way this chick had no idea TW was sleeping with the ho village! No one is that dumb.
Submitted by GinaOliviaMallory on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:43pm.
What is this crap about sex addiction?? why must we make everything into a disease to make it seem more innocent? Bullshit. The guy's a cheating slut and he deserves to be labeled as one.
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EXACTLY! He can't keep his dick in his pants. Done.
The only disease he'll end up with is Gonorrhea.
Consider your fuck game worked, Elin. I didn't give a rat's ass about this story for a long time but the more I think about it I really do like this bitch's style. Pump those millions, E. You've earned them.
Damn, he's especially weird and ugly looking in that photo. He reminds me of someone (or something) but I can't pin it down...
I kinda knew this already but it's nice to get the full disclosure, fersure. Little details and all that. What a loozer - that is one serious dumbass move texting her right away. For serious. I would have lost it too...but I'm more the kinda person who likes to throw stuff...so I'd be throwing stuff out the window by that point...
♥ Threadkilla!
The Stains Movie! ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC03__ow-aQ
*applause*
MK you're a genius. A rainbow-coloured one, but still.
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"Money first, orgasms second." - Michael K
Geezus Tiger is worthless. I bet he'd screw the windmill hole if you let him.
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"His faggy coffee shop poetry reading glasses will go over well in prison. I expect to see them on cumonglasses.com". ~ Dlister Provolone
Scandanavian girls do not play! If you do us wrong, we will find out and make your life a living hell!
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"No escapin' when I start
Once I'm in, I own your heart"
Has Tiger always been this ugly? DAMN. Tiger has a long history of hookers and porn. His problems were there long before her and will be there long after her. But, if she wants to work on her marriage, who am I to judge? At least, when her children ask years from now why they aren't together, she will be able to say she tried to make it work but their father is a fucked up horn dog.
Oh, and two thumbs up to Elin. She seemed like the type of wife that would turn a blind eye to her husbands cheating just to keep the peace. I would never have taken her for the type that would confront his lying, cheating ass.
Tiger needs help and it goes far beyond a 'sex addiction.' His problems, like so many others, come from his childhood. Men usually end up just like their father. And, from what I hear, his dad was the same way. He was brought up thinking he could do whatever he wanted with little to no consequences. He is a grown ass man now, so no excuse. He needs to get help, so he doesn't screw up his son or daughter.
*HUH?
Elin is not the one. Good for her!
Submitted by El Bastardo on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 1:02pm.
@Mother Inferior. In Canterbury/Kent on Sat!! Yo...something. :o)
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Yo Sashimi. Yeah....
It's terrible! Go to Feng Sushi or Japan Centre (on Regents Street just of Piccadilly Circus).
I think the dude who owns Yo!Sushi owns La Senza as well. Underwear and fish. Hm!
@Mother Inferior. In Canterbury/Kent on Sat!! Yo...something. :o)
BoomboomboomElindontwantyouinherroom
BRAVO MK...Excellent summation. I can picture this fuckery exactly as it went down.
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I'm countin' on Jesus at this point.
Submitted by El Bastardo on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:56pm.
Submitted by Mother Superior on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:50pm.
20 more minutes at work.
I WANT TO GO HOOOME!!!!!!!
Sushi tonight! :P
For the last time... a Filet o fish is NOT sushi!
ps. I had real Sooshy Saturday. Jell?
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Filet de poission, then. Where did you go? Japan Centre is fab! That's where I get my SHOOSHY!
Submitted by Mother Superior on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:50pm.
20 more minutes at work.
I WANT TO GO HOOOME!!!!!!!
Sushi tonight! :P
For the last time... a Filet o fish is NOT sushi!
ps. I had real Sooshy Saturday. Jell?
Agirl, meh, maybe your right. I imagine IF she leaves him ( I doubt it) she will shack up with some other wealthy jerk. Women like this always seem to manage to do that ( yes that is envy in my little gold digging voice)
20 more minutes at work.
I WANT TO GO HOOOME!!!!!!!
Sushi tonight! :P
Submitted by Chirio on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:47pm.
LOL@ mother superior!
Coma Caca!
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Deario Cheerio! :D
Submitted by GinaOliviaMallory on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:43pm.
What is this crap about sex addiction?? why must we make everything into a disease to make it seem more innocent? Bullshit. The guy's a cheating slut and he deserves to be labeled as one
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Because people are being taught that instead of holding yourself accountable for your own retarded actions, and CHOICES, instead, there is something wrong with you that you need therapy for.
Tiger is just a whore, a man whore, a man who had women throwing themselves at him and he never said no.
Did Magic Johnson come up with this sex addict excuse?? No. He admitted to being a man whore, owned up to it. End of story.
Submitted by Plecostomus on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:46pm.
Oh, okay! Sorry. I guess I wasn't paying attention. :-)
Pleco, AT LAAAAAAASSSST, my love has come along!!!!
heehheehee
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But everyday I told myself good things would happen soon
'cause I knew that I was going to be a legend in my living room
- Annie Lennox
Fisrt things first: MK< you funny bitch, marry me. I will feed you Mother's circus animal cookies for the rest of your life.
On the topic:
I don't understand bitches texting each other their innermost feelings (Ha!) and then not deleting the text! I mean you wrote it, its from your phone and its there like an email , a proof. Why text when u can call? Why leave all these traces behind, particularly when you are worth a fucking billion?
Le Tigre is DUMB!
I don't for a second believe either one of these bitches married for love. He married the white blond girl, she married the MONEY!
But fucking with money because of your dumbness is not a good idea Tiger. I am jello of Erin. Bitch got it good. Beat the hell out of Tiger Woods with a golf club (oh the irony!) an get $300 mil for it!
LOL@ mother superior!
Coma Caca!
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Submitted by Dog on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:44pm.
^^THIS.
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Huh?
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I was agreeing with you whole-heartedly and emphatically.
Like ^^THIS
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Bottom-feeder.
Gorge your eyes on Gorgeous Georgina : http://sites.google.com/site/gorgeousgeorginashow/home
Submitted by Chirio on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:44pm.
Submitted by Mother Superior on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:41pm.
Submitted by Chirio on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:38pm.
He has Vagina hands!
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What's a vagina hand?
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Touches vaginas.
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Ah! LOL You are sweet, Cheerio!!!!
We all have vagina hands!
Submitted by Plecostomus on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:29pm.
Submitted by Dog on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:23pm.
This is what happens when someone is not taught accountability...He just assumed Elin would get over it and he could continue on with his bad self.
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^^THIS.
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Huh?
Submitted by Mother Superior on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:41pm.
Submitted by Chirio on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:38pm.
He has Vagina hands!
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What's a vagina hand?
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Touches vaginas.
Coma Caca!
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Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:42pm.
When you are the one being cheated on, it's easy (if you're a first timer) to not see the signs.
But 5 years??? She had to have had suspisions.
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Yes, M.E. I agree. There are always signs! It's just some people can't read them, I guess.
Submitted by Mother Superior on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:33pm.
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Georgified!!! I LOVE IT!!! It's like being Snooki'd, only with less bruising and more blushing.
Submitted by Few Words on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 12:36pm.
plecopotamus
what have you done to my etta
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She's been Georgified.
OnT: I want to know when the fire hydrant will come out and say Tiger loved it the most.
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Bottom-feeder.
Gorge your eyes on Gorgeous Georgina : http://sites.google.com/site/gorgeousgeorginashow/home