Taylor Lautner Is Stretch Armstrong
The world needs a Stretch Armstrong movie as much as it needs another Twitter update from Tila Tequila. So of course, Hollywood is going forward with a feature film of the life and times of Stretch Armstrong. And I'm sure Hollywood is also in the back of a strip club putting together a feature film version based on Tila Tequila's Twitter. Bobby Trendy, call your agent!
Coming Soon reports that last night Universal Pictures announced that almost legal (4 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes, 47 seconds) Taylor Lautner will stretch his limbs as the title character. Taylor's parts will spring towards your face, because the movie will be shot in 3D. It will hit theaters sometime in 2012.
This shit already sounds terrible, but it makes sense that they cast Taylor Lautner as Stretch Armstrong since Twitards have been stretching their peens and clits to him for the past year. They leak the same kind of goo too.
And I never had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid, most likely because my mother knew I would do inappropriate things with it on the playground and she didn't want me to get kicked out of another preschool.
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New York girls:)
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Hollywood Gossip
My bother had one of those dolls. He cut it by accident and all this grape jelly came out. He was so distraught.
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Sorry, my English is not very good looking." Celia Cruz
I didn't mean to upset or anger anyone. I was just saying that I didn't think it was right that a seventeen year old was being sexualized by the mainstream media.
I, too, was a horny teenager once upon a time by I was lucky to be a horny teenager at home and not thrust (pun intended) into Hollywood.
I'm really nervous about the ensuing porn version (Stretch Armdong?) of this film. Ouch.
anyway the closest we've seen to getting a peak at his illegal fruit basket are these pictures:
http://escritordecontos.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/taylor-lautner-bulge...
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/__28kbnq4XtQ/SwU9tDcpFbI/AAAAAAAAAI0/HB0vFE8-zW...
http://omgcelebritynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/FP_3341034_Lautne...
to me he looks like one of those belami boys, cute face and smile muscled smooth body and a cock with a full bush and a nice growth and curve to it,I'm sure he'll grow into his face as he get's older we all looked a bit strange in puberty.
You mean the DJ outta NEW YORK?????????
I will wait until 4 days from now to openly lust after (once upon a time) Sharkboy.
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www.flyingcolorsbirds.org
http://www.thegabrielfoundation.org/
Adopt an unwanted bird before purchasing at a pet store.
I gotta admit Taylor is adorable
OT - I watched part of that stupid Kardashians show for the first/last time today. They're all horrible human beings but Kim has to be the worst. Insincere, vapid dumbass who obviously has no purpose in life except to feign shock when "unauthorized" tapes/pictures/calendars of her are released while promoting such things with her stupid show to make a buck. Makes me ill.
He's cute as can be, but he's a total flamer.
"motherfucker, I lick pits for a living." Submitted by suckandfuck 12/14/2009 - 3:05pm.
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All that I'm after is a life full of laughter as long as I'm laughing with you.
People are counting down until he's legal? Are they registered blind too? He looks like his face has been stamped on, given that nose and inability to open his eyes.
Oh and for all the struggling scriptwriters that can't get a pitch, or funding, and they want to do a film about a shite toy that got stretched and then chucked? Save us, Jebus.
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
His nose....I will never get over.
His squinty eyes...I wish to open.
What am I saying, he's just ugly.
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http://www.cracked.com/funny-3809-internet-argument-techniques/
http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2010/01/reader-photos.html
I cannot talk about Taylor Lautner in any kind of sexual way...forgawdsake, my son is older than him.
He is super unattractive to me. Like he's kinda "special".
And he always has this look on his face like he just smelled a fart.
I had Stretch Monster. Also had another one that was all clear with a huge alien brain and colorful guts you could see inside.... can't remember what the hell it was called though.
Submitted by Dgrin on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 8:09pm.
kid my ass ever since i was 13 all I wanted was to fuck my brains out dry constantly
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Yeah I remember being 9/10 years old in the fourth grade and all me and my friends ever talked about was how we couldn't wait to have sex. Lol. And EVERYTHING was sexual to us. When someone said they were gonna "do it" we'd take it sexually, even if it was in the context of going to take a piss in the bathroom. Just those two words were enough.
I think Taylor has an attractive face. I don't know what it IS about him but there is something. I don't like weak-ish romantic puppy dog guys and I don't like muscles. I'm not crazy about Twilight (I watched each one once, don't care to see them twice) but there is just SOMETHING about this kid that is hot. Dunno...
Submitted by Caladonia on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 7:54pm.
Taylor Lautner is being sexualized at such a young age. People always talk about young actresses being sexualized before they're adults, but it's just aas dangerous for the boys, too. Taylor is still just a kid and adults are already talking about him in extremely sexual ways.
Huh? He's 17, isn't he? That's hardly "such a young age". If her were a 13 or 14yo, yeah, I could see your point.
Submitted by Dgrin on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 8:09pm.
kid my ass ever since i was 13 all I wanted was to fuck my brains out dry constantly
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Tru dat!
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Bottom-feeder.
Gorge your eyes on Gorgeous Georgina : http://sites.google.com/site/gorgeousgeorginashow/home
"Taylor Lautner is being sexualized at such a young age. People always talk about young actresses being sexualized before they're adults, but it's just aas dangerous for the boys, too. Taylor is still just a kid and adults are already talking about him in extremely sexual ways."
but he's gay so only the boys will get to tickle his pickle
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http://www.cracked.com/funny-3809-internet-argument-techniques/
http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2010/01/reader-photos.html
kid my ass ever since i was 13 all I wanted was to fuck my brains out dry constantly
Taylor Lautner is being sexualized at such a young age. People always talk about young actresses being sexualized before they're adults, but it's just aas dangerous for the boys, too. Taylor is still just a kid and adults are already talking about him in extremely sexual ways.
Yay another comic book movie!
....I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF COMIC BOOK MOVIES!!!!!!
COMIC BOOKS ARE FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!!!
if you had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid
you cut it to see whats inside
Is that his mother holding the doll? She looks just like Taylor. Hot little body for a child, but I'll betcha it had a lot to do with steroids. Some kids can put on muscle like that (not many) but the way he put it on and lost it so fast makes me suspicious.
I just can't with this kid actor. He's going to be Shark Boy forever in my mind.
A Stretch Armstrong movie? *blinks* LOL, whatever!
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“Calm down. You don’t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.” ShitMyDadSays on Facebook
I love the feet in the foreground of the photo.
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Chris Brown needs to like, wow, take that stupid ass bow tie and shove it down his throat. It's like, wow. WOW. --MK 8/31/09
"And I'm sure Hollywood is also in the back of a strip club putting together a feature film version based on Tila Tequila's Twitter. Bobby Trendy, call your agent'
That shit would be outstanding! No shame: I loooved that ass munch Bobby T on the Anna Nicole Show. GREAT drunk & stoned viewing with my favorite man whore on a rainy evening like tonight's gonna be <3
Wasn't there a female stretch? It's been so long ago I can barely remember this but I do know that my brother got one for Christmas when we were kids.
If he had kept it, it would be worth some big bucks on Ebay today.
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I'm a bilingual illiterate...I can't read in 2 languages. - Pet Shop Boys
I always get this one confused with Kellan Lutz. Yeah, I know they don't really look similar, but they neither of them are likely to appear in any movie I'd ever willingly see.
Submitted by Soultonic on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 3:57pm.
I know Taylor is the 'it' girl right now..i mean boy...but she....i mean he...better be careful about what roles he chooses. A flop is a flop and this sounds like a flop
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I was gonna say that and you beat me to it. Looks like the only thing he'll have to fall back on is the Twilight movies.
He must be getting bank for those so he shouldn't complain about his 15 of fame when his time is up.
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I'm a bilingual illiterate...I can't read in 2 languages. - Pet Shop Boys
Yes... this Taylor kid needs to open his eyes and whittle down his simian nose.
Only then can he can come and talk to me.
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"... the wailing lesbian fetus known as Justin Bieber." - Michael K
Submitted by SpiceDong on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 3:15pm.
"... the goo inside was like strawberry jelly and kind of sweet. yeah i tasted it."
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Fuckin' Stretch Armstrong kicks ass, baby! Can't believe that you actually tasted the jelly, tho', SD. You're sick! :oD
I dug Stretch Monster better: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6hDZt1e0ofY/SU8OBaSIJgI/AAAAAAAACtM/xEh2BZlFfB...
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"... the wailing lesbian fetus known as Justin Bieber." - Michael K
I remember Stretch!
Of course I was too old for him, but I remember my nephews having him and doing unspeakable things to him with hedge clippers.
I keep thinking of Stretch Cunningham on All in the Family. I'm old, okay? Don't judge.
What the hell is Stretch Armstrong?
This sounds like a career killer, as well as possibly a contender for a top ten position for worst adapted film ever.
Oh please. Gumby so beat Stretch. Not only does he have a slanted head, but he's GREEN!
Submitted by sushi, madam s. on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 4:08pm.
Taylor Lautner looks like a cro-magnon. I wouldn't want a stretchy toy that looks like him even if it came with a stretchy peen.
reply • report abuse
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I totally agree. Other than having a hot body I don't see the attraction to this ape.
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ITA, cubed. His face is so completely fake that I think the doll ha a good chance of looking more realistic than he does. He also looks VERY slow. I'm sure "cue cards" are a major part of his contract.
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"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
Another funny thing about the pic is that the woman could totally be his grandmother; she really looks like him.
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"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
Submitted by FilthyBitch on Sat, 02/06/2010 - 4:14pm.
He has the same goddamned defect as Taylor Swift - bitches cant open their eyes and if they smile, their eyes disappear entirely.
What is this guys appeal again? He looks good without a shirt on? Wow, can't find anyone else in California that looks good without a shirt but also has functioning eyes?
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LOL, Filthy. I couldn't agree more.
Filthy Bitch -- perfect description of this loser's looks.
Sushi & Little_Rascal -- "cro-magnon" is exactly the term I was thinking of.
He has the same goddamned defect as Taylor Swift - bitches cant open their eyes and if they smile, their eyes disappear entirely.
What is this guys appeal again? He looks good without a shirt on? Wow, can't find anyone else in California that looks good without a shirt but also has functioning eyes?
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Doctors, soldiers, actors,lawyer,why not a fuker?? FUKER: the most fashionable and the most profitable work!!!!.... Spammer (probably EH or just a floozy)
Taylor Lautner looks like a cro-magnon. I wouldn't want a stretchy toy that looks like him even if it came with a stretchy peen.
reply • report abuse
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I totally agree. Other than having a hot body I don't see the attraction to this ape.
Ha! My brother had one of those...we pulled it all the time but it never did break. Annoying.
The Photoshop is CLASSIC, MK!
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"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
Taylor Lautner looks like a cro-magnon. I wouldn't want a stretchy toy that looks like him even if it came with a stretchy peen.
I know Taylor is the 'it' girl right now..i mean boy...but she....i mean he...better be careful about what roles he chooses. A flop is a flop and this sounds like a flop.
Great, another cartoon superhero CG bloat-fest... Something the fanboys can plunk their ten bucks down for at the cineplex. If Hollywood really wanted to be edgy, they'd look way back and revive comic book characters with some real issues like Nancy and Sluggo. Or Little Lotta. Or Jingle Dingle. Or Sugar N' Spice, the creepiest twin ginge brats to ever appear on paper. And where's that bio-pic of Alfred E. Neuman we've all been waiting for?
"What's your motto?" "Kill everyone NOW"
I bet Stretch has seen some pretty sketchy things in his day. Oh, the stories he could tell the We Vibe...
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FIST PUMP!!
Creativity is dead in Hollywood. Who the fuck would go see this abortion besides Taylor Lautner fans (are there really ones?) and his mother?
We didn't have Stretch Armstrong, but we had that football player guy who's head you would pound down, making his leg kick the football that came with him. My brother and I broke him pretty quickly and got a second one, and then after we broke the second one we were shit out of luck. But I mean, any toy that basically INDICATES that you are supposed to hit it as hard as you can just isn't going to have a very long life span.
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FIST PUMP!!