Hot Slut Of The Day!
Brach's Sundaes Neapolitan Coconuts!
When I was a kid my mother never bought us sugary crap, because she believed (and still does) that processed sugar is made from Satan's warm blood! Whenever I begged her for candy, she would tell me to go eat a fruit. So because of this, my ass had to get creative to get my fix. I'd drink sugar water and pretend it was soda, or eat a tube of concentrated orange juice and pretend it was ice cream. Desperate times. And when I was feeling real hardcore and brave, I'd steal a couple of pieces of Sundaes Neapolitan Coconuts from the Brach's bin at the supermarket. When my mom wasn't looking, I'd grab a few, tell her I had to go to the bathroom and I'd swallow them after flushing the toilet. I was afraid my mom would hear me chewing processed sugar, so that's why I flushed the toilet.
Yes, I was a child thief! A student of Hood Rat Stuff Academy's candy robber division. I should send the Brach's family a money order. But honestly, it's all my mother's fault. She forced me into a life of crime by denying me sugary deliciousness. It's hard out there for a sugar-deprived brat!
(Image via Flickr)
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My mom never kept soda, candy, ice cream, cookies, etc in the house, so we also went to drastic measures. My sister would take Advils, which used to be sugar coated, and suck the sugar coating off then throw them away. (At least she had the sense to throw them away.) And I'd eat my dad's knobby old breathmints that were left in the roll he'd been carrying in his pocket all day with change. They always tasted like crappy mint and pennies.
And when I went to friends' houses, I was all up in their pantry first thing. "OMG you have Little Debbie cakes. C-can I please have one?" "Sure you can, honey!" their mom would say. Score! I remember spotting a big bag of Skittles in my aunt's pantry when I was staying there for the summer, and watching that bitch for days until it got opened by someone else. Then I was huddled in the pantry that night eating them. LOL. I'd also spaz out on Halloween, Easter, and Christmas, the only three times of year I got candy at my house. I'd hide in a closet with my Easter basket and just pig out.
When I got a little bit older, I'd ride my bike like a mile to the closest gas station to buy candy with coins I'd scraped up. I plotted and planned exactly when I could do it and have enough time to get home and hide everything before my mom got home.
Oh, if our parents only knew what the deprivation did to us!
Submitted by mike on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 9:26am.
I remember thinking they were old-fashioned, and the color combination was off-putting.
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Hahaaa! Me too.
But, man, am I a dork. I always a dug a nickel out of my little coin purse. Sometimes I only put in a penny though.
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This feels like a CTA meeting (Candy Thieves Anonymous). "Hi, my name is Jalynne and I steal from the Brach's bin."
Did anybody use the locked money collection box to dispose the wrapper evidence?
omg i love these...
xoxox
The war isn't working.
one time my sister stole those yummy cheeto ball things that came in a can, and hid under her bed to eat them, and really DID get busted by her crunching mouth. my mom looks under the bed and and sees her cheesy face and confronts her. and she denies it! cheese mouth and all, lmao. and my dad used to steal me grapes and strawberries in the grocery store :) great job, dad lol.
My parents did not allow candy in our house either. It was like Christmas visiting my grandma except she had gross candy peanuts and strawberry marshmallow candies. We ate them anyway because it was the only place we got our hands on "crap" as my parents called it.
I didn't like these (don't like coconut flavor) but I loved the white chewy things with the little red and orange dots in them. Yum....
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
I stole from the Branch's bin, but I took the white chewy squares with the jelly things on the insides and the sour balls that had gum in the middle. I was so afraid that someone was going to show up at my house and arrest me for stealing. Didn't stop me from taking them though...
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Chris Brown needs to like, wow, take that stupid ass bow tie and shove it down his throat. It's like, wow. WOW. --MK 8/31/09
These and caramel creams. It took a half hour to brush that shit out of your teeth but it was worth it.
Hell I still stuff my pockets when I go to the stores.
I am floored that there is actually another human who ate frozen concentrated orange juice as ice cream.
Fan-tastic.
I called it 'Sour Sherbert' (phonetic)
Ah, I too should send Brach's a check. I've come to really appreciate "candy bowl" treats alsmost as much as any other kind. Right now I'm craving one of those Argentinian fruit candies with the chewy centers, I don't know wtf they are called.
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http://diaryofakahnartist.blogspot.com/
I was also a bulk bin candy thief due to no junk food allowed. I would hide the wrappers in my coat...until the day my stepmother went to take my coat to the dry cleaner and my wrappers were discovered. After a sound ass whooping, my brother and I had to empty our piggy banks and bring a ziploc bag full of money to the grocery store manager, and also tell him we were thieves. Good times.
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LOL!! I too was a bulk bin candy thief as were most of my friends. We all got caught and had Mom pulling us by the ear to apologize to the store manager and reveal that we were thieves - I think that's a best practice for Moms....I never stole again! I wonder how many bin thieves a grocery store managers have to deal with per week. Bet it still goes on!
Ha ha - so funny. My mom would make jello with orange juice to make it more nutritious (pulpy jello anyone?)and for a treat we got to have a piece of carob (most disgusting thing ever made) or a Tiger Milk Bar. I would fantisize that when I got older and had my own apt.; the cupboards would be filled with twinkies and ding dongs.
Yes indeed...thank god for a childhood memory that didn't involve inappropriate sexual advances or Kool Super Longs.
Those always remind me of my childhood too! Luv em - coconut and chocolate are always a good combination!
Hood Rat Stuff Academy inspired me to make my av... LMFAO!
I love these candies, too MK. They remind me of my buela, though. She kept them in a little crystal candy jar and would get pissed off when I would run off with the entire thing and bring it back empty with wrappers.
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"Sarah Jessica Parker has the same exact cardigan as my abuelita. BITER!" -- MK
Submitted by CeeCee on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 11:27am.
I remember these. I'd bite off the white and pink part and leave the chocolate part because it was nasty. I'd have a big pile of the brown parts.
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LOL! Dat's funnay! I bet even if you ate the whole thing you'd end up with a big pile of brown parts;p
♥ Threadkilla!
Heterosexuality is not normal. It's just common.
~ Dorothy Parker
That was my favorite shit! i loved the pink and white parts the best...nom nom nommmm.
I <3 grandma candy. These Neapolitan things, Werther's Original, Ribbon Candy, Caramels, Starlight mints, so good. The only thing better than grandma candy is grandma ice cream, rum raisin, butter brickle, maple walnut, butter pecan, old people know whats up, that shit is tasty.
Hells-to-the-YES!!!
I remember these. I'd bite off the white and pink part and leave the chocolate part because it was nasty. I'd have a big pile of the brown parts.
Submitted by crazyinjapan: "When I was in fourth grade I had a little business going on the playground. I would get a little money, buy some candy at the store (candy cigarettes were some of my favorites), and then sell it on the playground to other kids for jacked up prices."
Hey, I did that, too! On the school bus, though. And I beat up a boy that didn't pay on time. One day the bus pulled up to his stop and he was there with his mother and he pointed at me, like "That's the girl who beat me up!" and she was all like, "Oh come on, that sweet little blonde thing?" and he got on the bus all scared and then I was nice because I didn't want any trouble.
My best customers were kids whose parents didn't let them have candy. They'd spend their milk money on Jolly Rancher sticks.
Yeah...
Nasty candy..........
My parents were so boring, they'd buy a bag of Brach's "bridge mix" and THAT was our candy. They also subscribed to Nat'l Geographic, Psychology Today and Consumer Reports.
OMG, you just brought back all my memories from childhood. God, I used to grab candy all time from those Brach's bins.
When I was in fourth grade I had a little business going on the playground. I would get a little money, buy some candy at the store (candy cigarettes were some of my favorites), and then sell it on the playground to other kids for jacked up prices. It was great until I got called into the principal's office. My favorite song that year was by Pink Floyd. "We don't need no education!" It was my anthem. A few years later I got into the Dead Kennedys and the Sex Pistols and dyed my hair with kool-aid. I was a bit of a rebel and malcontent.
My mother was a sugar-hater too. I would go to friends houses and break into their sugar-coated cereal supply. Captain Crunch was literally, nectar of the gods to me.
Submitted by ClooneyisMahBoo on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 9:47am.
I was also a bulk bin candy thief due to no junk food allowed. I would hide the wrappers in my coat...until the day my stepmother went to take my coat to the dry cleaner and my wrappers were discovered. After a sound ass whooping, my brother and I had to empty our piggy banks and bring a ziploc bag full of money to the grocery store manager, and also tell him we were thieves. Good times.
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Oh god, I literally lol'd at that! ahahahaha
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"gobble a bowl of dicks" submitted by HOTNEY
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 9:38am.
My Scottish Grandma used to give us butter rolled in sugar for our coughs. I loved that shit! I was like "hack hack, I need some more medicine"
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Hiya Snowy! My parents used to give us kids cough syrup w/codeine in it for our coughs. They worked for a pharmaceutical company so got giant bottles of that shit at cost at the company store. They were strict as hell about depriving us of candy but had no problem pouring drugs-in-sugar down our throats just so we'd pass out & they could get some sleep. No wonder I had a love for painkillers when I got older!
Yeah, in the 60's & 70's, parents didn't think twice about docs giving their kids drugs. Ah, the good old days....
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"OMFG! What kind of site are you on?" - David Letterman's Psych major sister, 1/7/10
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 9:38am.
chlyn My Scottish Grandma used to give us butter rolled in sugar for our coughs. I loved that shit! I was like "hack hack, I need some more medicine"
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olloo Snowphat....
Hi, I'm Supertramp and I'm a CANDYHOLIC.
Yes, I've eaten these. My favorite Brach's candy are the Rootbeer barrels.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 8:45am.
NASTYYYYY ASSSSSSSSS SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!
*rubs eyes*
Babu?
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Jackyhat: It's good to see your one-eyed hotness again! I was pretty much just lurking quietly around the D for awhile there while I moved to a new place in this same Kentucky hick town. I've missed all you horz!
OT: My grandma's maid used to sneek me Brachs butterscotch candies from her apron pocket whenever she gave me a big hug. I still love those treats to this day.......
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"OMFG! What kind of site are you on?" - David Letterman's Psych major sister, 1/7/10
I was also a bulk bin candy thief due to no junk food allowed. I would hide the wrappers in my coat...until the day my stepmother went to take my coat to the dry cleaner and my wrappers were discovered. After a sound ass whooping, my brother and I had to empty our piggy banks and bring a ziploc bag full of money to the grocery store manager, and also tell him we were thieves. Good times.
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If Shia LaBeouf and a gay-faced bobcat from the 1980s had a meth baby..... Stun. Ning.
LOL!! my grandma was the candy thief in our fam. she would always score us the brach's candy in the little colorful foils every time we would go with her to the A&P.
and she always had a gazillion candy dishes filled to the brim with peppermints (you know the rectangular kind) & kraft carmels...both dark & light. ha.
my goodness i miss that little woman.
chlyn My Scottish Grandma used to give us butter rolled in sugar for our coughs. I loved that shit! I was like "hack hack, I need some more medicine"
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"snowpiece is officially to be known as hopiece from here on out." TheBreakdown
"Where the anti-social come to socialize with other anti-socials." redvelvetcake
I love mainly plain chocolate candy so I could never get past the texture of these things. The colors intrigued me but as soon as I put one in moy mouth I have to spit it out.
Mom loves these. Also Allsorts.
I used to snag the butterscotch discs from the Brach's display, easier to conceal in your mouth.
I remember these, but dont think I ever tried one. I remember thinking they were old-fashioned, and the color combination was off-putting.
Brown sugar and butter! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm1
And Morbidosity, um, sure. And the Internet will make you blind and/or go crazy, so honey limit your time on here, okay? Pedophiles are lurking, waiting to grab your IP address and track you down, too. So beware!
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Love,
Mabel
How little we understand what touches off that tingle,
That sudden explosion when two tingles intermingle. --Mrs. Kravitz
Submitted by chlyn: "...my drug of choice was to mix butter and brown sugar and eat it. I got the idea from cookie batter."
MINE TOO. I fucking LOVE brown sugar and butter mixed together. To this day, I think my baked goods come out funny because I eat so much of it before I add anything else. Then I tried adding the eggs before I "tasted" it, but still wound up eating the raw egg, too. Didn't even care.
Don't get me started. I am still conflicted about sugar.
My rule is not to forbid it, but not to keep it in the house. I try to keep my attitude toward those things as casual as possible. If it's too much of a treat or too forbidden, it becomes an issue.
LOL @ cmc311, LOL at the dog stories, and cry at my and everyone else's childhood suffering. No soda, no chips, no junk food :( except on rare occasions.
When my parents were out of the house, my drug of choice was to mix butter and brown sugar and eat it. I got the idea from cookie batter.
I never got into those things.
Forgettable for my palate and way too sticky :þ
Now if you want to start a post about De La Rosa™...
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3189/2740040709_9fb21d08ec.jpg
...then we can talk. Oh sweet treasure of my youth. I won't ever put on a skirt but I'll surely fucking cheer for that shit any day of whatever year it is. I'm starting to age but I still always have a fresh box of that shit sitting only two feet away... you know, in case of an emergency =)
Genius! I was so stupid that I hid my bulk bin candy loot under the car seat after grocery shopping. Then I dramatically "found" it and explained how I had wished for it and concluded that I must have magical powers. My Mom made me return the candy in front of the whole store.
Submitted by Mabel Hodges on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 8:58am.
I swear to god I have a scary story for every possible nightmarish thing that could accidentally kill a kid.
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Mom? IS that you?
OMG you guys are so funy. And we had those stupid little boxes of sunmaid raisins, too. I actually try to pass those off to my own kids now. And you know what? All they want (in addition to chocolate) are the goddamn energy drinks. I tell them they will get a heart attack if they drink too much of them. I have an evil story for every "bad" thing for them. I swear to god I have a scary story for every possible nightmarish thing that could accidentally kill a kid. I have them hold onto the railings of stair cases ("because of the guy who tripped") and not eating alone ("because of the lady who choked on peanut butter"), etc., etc., and my kids now just roll their eyes at me. They think I am funny. BUT I AM DEAD SERIOUS! Ackkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!
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Love,
Mabel
How little we understand what touches off that tingle,
That sudden explosion when two tingles intermingle. --Mrs. Kravitz
"I was afraid my mom would hear me chewing processed sugar, so that's why I flushed the toilet."
Omg. Dying. Hilarious. Anxiety + gratifying oral fixations will imprint a memory into a child like nothing else.
MK, Why have you not published a serious of sharply-observed memoirs of your childhood? ps. Your mom sounds amazing.
Ewwwwww - Neapolitan Coconut Bars were in the vending machine at a former job. They sat in there about 6 months till the candy-man finally took them away.
p.s. a girl I worked with married that candy-man!
NASTYYYYY ASSSSSSSSS SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!
*rubs eyes*
Babu?
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"I'd jack off to jack-in-the-hat if he was on the cover before her" Eddie
Oh MK, I've lived your pain! My mom used to give us kids tiny boxes of Sunmaid raisins as a "treat". We were also allowed 1 bottle of coke along with homemade popcorn on Saturday nights -- if my parents had friends over for cocktails on a Saturday nite, we were allowed to have 2 cokes while they got their buzz on (and then we'd get stuck to the ceiling from drinking so much sugar). So yeah, I can see why mom thought sugar was the white devil.
Like you, I ate frozen orange juice concentrate & pretended it was candy, but it seriously did not do the trick for me. So I tossed a package of Lifesavers into one of mom's grocery bags at the A&P when I was 5 years old. Of course I was too dumb to figure out how to get the candy out of the bag unnoticed once we got home so mom busted me. She drove all the way back to the grocery store to return the Lifesavers & made me apologize to the store manager. Why wasn't I clever like you & take that shit to the store's bathroom to chow it down?! Damn.
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"OMFG! What kind of site are you on?" - David Letterman's Psych major sister, 1/7/10