Lance Armstrong Is Going To Be A Father For The Fifth Time
Lance Armstrong announced on his Twitter page yesterday that his girlfriend Anna Hansen is knocked up with his fifth child. This will be Lance's second kid with Anna. They have a 10-month-old son together. Lance has also has twin 8-year-old girls and an 11-year-old boy with his ex-wife. Somewhere in the world, Sheryl Crow just kicked a puppy in his nutsack.
Lance is one of those hos who has a Twitter page for their unborn baby. Anna and Lance's fetus is Twittering under the name @Cincoarmstrong. I'm trying to find this cute, but I just can't. Here's Fetus Armstrong's first Tweets:
I got 2 arms, 2 legs, a nickname, and i'm 2 inches long. See y'all in October..
9:19 AM Apr 20th via webI'm now the size of a lemon, 3.5 inches long, and weigh 1.5 ounces. And oh yeah, I'm on Twitter.
2:41 PM Apr 25th via web
Yeah, that is definitely not cute.
And Lance's ball deserves the honor of being named Testicle of the Year. That bitch is working harder than a call girl during the Republican National Convention. Go, nut, go!
via People
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I hate Lance One Nut, because my ex-boss, Tommy Weissel was in love with him. Weasel Weisell is a douchbag too.
Submitted by Picasso1 on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 9:48pm.
How the fuck does this guy get his sperms? being a one nut wonder myself, (Thanx Cancer) it's made me sterile, I can screw any hoe I want and not knock that bitch up (least that's what the Dr.s told me). So Lance apparently had it way worse than I did and yet he knocks up all these ho's or did he? Fuck they radiated my nut sack so much I gotta hand my bitches a Geiger counter beforehand.
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Hmm, I have read differing reports on this. Some say he froze his sperm, but why did he not let Sheryl Crow have some? Other reports say his one nut works. Sterility in men is a bit tricky. All it takes is one little swimmer, AND even "sterile" guys can still make sperm, but the sperm maybe no good.
Submitted by Picasso1 on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 9:48pm.
How the fuck does this guy get his sperms? being a one nut wonder myself, (Thanx Cancer) it's made me sterile, I can screw any hoe I want and not knock that bitch up (least that's what the Dr.s told me). So Lance apparently had it way worse than I did and yet he knocks up all these ho's or did he? Fuck they radiated my nut sack so much I gotta hand my bitches a Geiger counter beforehand.
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I believe Homeboy had his swimmers removed before they irradiated his nutsack, so he could continue to populate the world with his particular brand of douchetardiness.
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"You, sir, have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk."
Buster Gonad is the name of a cartoon character in the British comic Viz. It involves the surreal adventures of "the boy with unfeasibly large testicles". During a storm, Buster's gonads were zapped by cosmic rays which enlarged them to an enormous size. Buster's gonads are so large, in fact, that he needs a wheelbarrow to carry them around [1]. As a result, they are impossible to conceal and are therefore out on open display for everyone to see and marvel at.
*hides nuts from cosmic rays*
Go-nad go!
I think Sheryl Crow's baby is grateful that HIS father isn't a douche...
Twitter, the most inane, classless tool of communication in the history of mankind. Designed to make the irrelevant feel relevant.
Suits characters like this perfectly then.
--thanks awfully--
How the fuck does this guy get his sperms? being a one nut wonder myself, (Thanx Cancer) it's made me sterile, I can screw any hoe I want and not knock that bitch up (least that's what the Dr.s told me). So Lance apparently had it way worse than I did and yet he knocks up all these ho's or did he? Fuck they radiated my nut sack so much I gotta hand my bitches a Geiger counter beforehand.
Louise Brooks: I think we have the same BF friend on FB!
http://www.sceneoutlines.blogspot.com
Ok well his balls are A-OK apparantly.
Too bad his first wife had to get all those shots and wake herself up at 3am and all that process.
http://www.sceneoutlines.blogspot.com
Submitted by RichBitch on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 3:04pm.
I'm kinda hoping she miscarries just to see the twitter update!
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CACKLED OUT LOUD! It's OK -- got my seat on the Greyhound deluxe coach to Hades reserved since birth ;D
good god. has this guy ever heard of a condom??
in the united states alone, about 4 million cats and dogs are euthanized each year for lack of homes to adopt them. YOU can help stop this.. spay or neuter your pet. please "don't breed or buy while homeless animals die" and support animal shelters!
Submitted by caprica six on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 8:00pm.
Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 7:57pm.
He's wringing his one ball dry. Proof that surviving cancer does not cure douchitis.
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truth. thinkin the same thing. plus, for some reason, he def does look 'wrung dry'. ugh. give it a rest, Lance.
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And he has that now-familiar manic glint in his eyes that I've come to recognize as a sign of another character disease: famewhoritis.
Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 7:57pm.
He's wringing his one ball dry. Proof that surviving cancer does not cure douchitis.
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truth. thinkin the same thing. plus, for some reason, he def does look 'wrung dry'. ugh. give it a rest, Lance.
=== "...Find...And Fulfill...Your Destiny..." ===
He's wringing his one ball dry. Proof that surviving cancer does not cure douchitis.
I used to be on the "Lance Armstrong is so brave" train, but then it pulled into "Lance Armstrong is just another cheating rat bastard" station.
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Really don't mind if you sit this one out
My words but a whisper, your deafness a shout
--Jethro Tull
The Boring Express has left Boringtown and is on the way to the City of Boring. Stops on the way include I Don't Care, STFU, and Fuck Off and Die.
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"You, sir, have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk."
Echo27 OMG that's so horrible!!!
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"snowpiece is officially to be known as hopiece from here on out." TheBreakdown
"Pray for us Oranges" CHIRIO
What a loser. And Usher already named his son Cinco be more original.
lmao at: "...working harder than a call girl during the Republican National Convention."
Ahahaaha! I ♥ you MK
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Lance froze his sperm. It wouldn't survive radiation/chemo. He must've saved a super-sized slurpee cup full.
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Maybe it makes me a bitch, but I can't stand people who make twitter/facebook/myspace pages for children. I know this one ho who will post something like "My son and I are going to the store" and then answer herself on his page with something like "can't wait to go, Mommy!". Gross.
Good luck, Anna...just hold onto those titties or he's GONE!
♥ Threadkilla!
BRING BACK THE BOOT MOVES!~:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Boot%20Moves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv3AvJtWuUA
Submitted by RichBitch on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 3:04pm.
I'm kinda hoping she miscarries just to see the twitter update!
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Whew, I thought I was the only cunt thinking that!
The one nut wonder. Has someone already said that?
His one nut has thunder!
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Don't hate me cause I'm DLeautiful
This guy is a real turd.
One ball, one ball, ya lucky just to have just one ball. One ball, one ball, your lucky just to have just one.
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If I have to come back here it's gonna get fuckin ugly.
Submitted by parkerj on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 2:34pm.
I just found this funny ass story posted a few years ago from someone who grew up with him
http://www.sportsrant.com/lance-armstrong-revised-story-a2852.html
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HAHA what a dickwad!!! If its true, who knows.
Submitted by borg queen on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 3:19pm.
Submitted by Albatross on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 2:53pm.
Yes, Albatross, please elaborate!
Submitted by EvilShoe on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 3:07pm.
Submitted by RichBitch on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 3:04pm.
I'm kinda hoping she miscarries just to see the twitter update!
*hands RichBitch ticket to Hell*
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Sigh gimme one, I lol very loudly when I read it. I suppose Ill have to go with.
Eh, you can father kids with only one testicle. Also, I know at least 2 cancer surviors who went on to have kids.
You know behind that toothy inbred smile, she's totally counting the cash she'll get from two of his sprogs.
I thought I read that they stored his man jizz when he went thru radiation? His lady friends were turkey basted to get preggers?!
Submitted by Albatross on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 2:53pm.
I know he's an American hero and a great athlete and all that, but I really can't stand this guy. He's been on my shit list ever since he befriended my Jakey and then embarrassed him at the ESPY awards. Armstrong is a dick.
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How did he embarrass Jake?
SO SAY WE ALL!!!
Isn't this dude responsible for the rubber bracelet craze? I hate those.
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Curtsy, motherfuckers! MK
Submitted by RichBitch on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 3:04pm.
I'm kinda hoping she miscarries just to see the twitter update!
*hands RichBitch ticket to Hell*
I cannot STAND Lance Armstrong. BLECH! His face makes me ill.
I'm kinda hoping she miscarries just to see the twitter update!
I haven't had breakfast yet, but I just barfed.
more fucked-up shit @
www.myspace.com/msdianadeath
Lance Armstrong is one fertile whore!
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 2:26pm.
Which is why I don't post anything about my kids. No one cares.
Besides, I am more than the sum of my kids. I am utterly devoted to them. My FB life is my getaway from the little ankle-biters, dammit.
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AMEN!
Lance is one of those hos who has a Twitter page for their unborn baby.
Oh hell no. You guys can beat my ass but what if the baby dies. They gonna Tweet that shit too? In detail?
*goes to Hell*
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Curtsy, motherfuckers! MK
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 2:33pm.
Well, I don't know why this dumb cow is smiling. It won't be long before he's banging the next one.
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I don't know... she looks kind of Elin-ish. You don't wanna mess with wholesome-looking blonde athletes' wives.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
@Queenie
i know right lol... Lance was apparently the poster child for the self-absorbed, over-spoiled only child.
I know he's an American hero and a great athlete and all that, but I really can't stand this guy. He's been on my shit list ever since he befriended my Jakey and then embarrassed him at the ESPY awards. Armstrong is a dick.
And, a Twitter page for a fetus? Fuck off, Lance.
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Always have, always will.
Imagine the utter damage he could be releasing unto this fucked up world with two balls. What a douche.
Sheryl Crow will need a bitter chicks cocktail hour with Jen tonight.
Submitted by parkerj on Fri, 04/30/2010 - 2:34pm.
I just found this funny ass story posted a few years ago from someone who grew up with him
http://www.sportsrant.com/lance-armstrong-revised-story-a2852.html
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That was some funny shit, especially the part where the guy says the cancer spread from Lance's balls to his brain because he constantly had his head up his ass.
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Life's a jest, and all things show it/I thought so once, but now I know it.
I can't stand this guy. Way over-rated as a human being. You can't even be sure that his biking success was his own. He's an asshole.
I just found this funny ass story posted a few years ago from someone who grew up with him
http://www.sportsrant.com/lance-armstrong-revised-story-a2852.html