My Daughter Doesn't Even Have A Pillow: A Memoir By White Oprah

Cross out "Guantanamo Bay" on your protest signs and write "Lynwood Correctional Center" in its place, because that's where the real suffering is going on! White Oprah is speaking out against the harsh conditions her child is facing in jail. Abnormal Rae said that her daughter Lindsay Lohan doesn't even have a pillow or a cell phone in jail!!!!! And she's being treated like a COMMON CRIMINAL!!!!!! Ha. Nana Lohan should really fight the urge to pop White Oprah's double bubble of delusion with her knitting needle, because this is comedy at its finest.

White Oprah took a break from organizing the Million Crackhead March to speak to Radar about the injustice happening at Lynwood:

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on. I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

“I have to say that the people inside have been pretty cool to her…the guards and the inmates. We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close. When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

Translation: "My daughter is being treated like everybody else in jail AND THAT IS WRONG! They don't even have an on-staff spray tanner!"

The best part is that White Oprah notarizes every single shit nugget of delusion that jumps off her tongue. She really believes in what she's saying. I keep expecting White Oprah to rip her mask off revealing that she's really Jennifer Coolidge and this is all just a part of Christopher Guest's newest mockumentary. But no, this is real.

I want to tell White Oprah to raise her fist high for her cause and then shove it up her asshole, but I don't want that. White Oprah's quotes are much too magical and I can't get enough.

"We're here! We're high! Get used to it!" - White Oprah while protesting outside of Lynwood this weekend

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by Kelli B on Sun, 08/01/2010 - 4:50am.

her daughter IS totally a common criminal... she could have killed innocent people with her drink driving. Imagine if she murdered someone - she would be considered much worse than a common criminal then!

www.kellibolton.com

Submitted by z-listed on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 7:11pm.

Any comment I could make about this delusional woman or her drunk-driving daughter has already been said by other D-listers so I'll just say, I AGREE!

Submitted by Centaurious on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 4:09am.

Skull Long Island.

__________________________________
"Chi la fa l'aspetti."

Submitted by Picasso1 on Sat, 07/31/2010 - 2:59am.

Fuck just for whining about Cell phone privilages should get you another 30days in JAIL!

Dumb Bitch, it's fucking JAIL!

Submitted by RoadDogXXIV on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 11:43pm.

You know why people like Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus get away with doing dangerous stunts? Because they're Disney girls, and the Mouse House is like the Mafia now: they find ways of protecting their whores. Meanwhile, Megan Fox (who has never done anything dangerous or has been caught in some bullshit gossip story OR has enabling parents) thinks of everything we thought about Michael Bay and she's a loser? So what if she has plastic surgery? I'm not defending her, but this all reeks of hypocrisy. Plus, the threequel curse is gonna creep on "Transformers 3" and it's gonna be one of the worst films of the year. What a sucker I am for falling in love with the first film, then found out what a pile of garbage part 2 was with the mean-spirited agenda strewn across. Reboot the franchise and start on Cybertron (I've yet to play the new "War for Cybertron, but I hear it's amazing!).

Bottom line: Lindsay Lohan could annihilate the Statue of Liberty, and her dumbass mother would do anything to protect her "because she's young". That's the statement.

Submitted by clarketron on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 9:32pm.

STFU Dina! poor lindsay never had a chance.

what an entitled self centered little bitch.

"Like a common criminal"....yeah, just like anyone else who has a real job would be treated.

Delusional Z list loser!

Submitted by Frybread on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 9:13pm.

I don't know whom I hate worse, this bitch or Kim K.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 8:07pm.

I really loathe this woman.

*******************************************************************

"LiLo is talking like she has swam out of the Jack Daniels bottle, hiked past the coke mountains, dove off of a crack spoon and is now ready to be someone's sponsor or something." -MK

Submitted by Centaurious on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 8:00pm.

Well, I guess WO can't recycle that "You like me! You really like me!" speech at the Oscars this year.

_________________________________
"Chi la fa l'aspetti."

Submitted by Who Datt on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 7:35pm.

No pillows? Why can't she just sleep on the pile of dimebags she probably smuggled inside?

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 6:07pm.

colt - exactly, AND wouldn't be let out 10 weeks early.

Submitted by colt13 on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 6:03pm.

Dina is doing Lindsay no favors speaking out on her behalf. The "common criminal" would be serving more time for 2 DUI's.

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 5:57pm.

mike - hmmmmm. I'll have to look that one up.

As far as I knew, the only way inmates get cell phones is if and when they are smuggled in, or you have a dirty corrections officer that lets inmates have one.

Interesting.

Submitted by Albatross on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 5:56pm.

For the love of God, Dina, shut the fuck up!

ETA: "Abnormal Rae" had me cracking my shit up today at work. You're a genius, MK!

**********
"69ing while driving is only for professionals" --MK

Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 5:58pm.

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 5:51pm.

mike, since when are inmates allowed cell phones? Where did you hear this?

There was something in the news yesterday that the House was taking up legislation to prevent inmates from having access to cell phones. I assumed that meant that some inmates somewhere did.

http://thehill.com/blogs/hillicon-valley/technology/111871-bill-to-keep-...

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 5:51pm.

mike, since when are inmates allowed cell phones? Where did you hear this?

Submitted by Carpe Diem on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 5:39pm.

I think all the Lohan women are crazy, except Nana. What's sad is that LiLo had so much going for her at one point. Now she's aged so much and she looks like a crack whore. That little Ali needs to be in freaking boot camp too. White Oprah is crazy! Lilo is a criminal! Lilo should be locked up for a while and then taken to a looney bin. Do you guys remember when she was fighting with Duff over Aaron carter? lmao!

Ad Astra Per Aspera: To the stars through difficulty.

Submitted by Oaxchick on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 4:57pm.

Uhm I dont think WO Would even step a foot in Lynwood. The majority of the residents in this city are poor and illegals. The streets are horrible in Lynwood I also wish I could leave. :( *puts hazmat suit*

Submitted by dementa on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 4:35pm.

Submitted by 4lice4nn on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 2:41pm.
But she should be GIVEN a pillow for free! She's a STAR! BLEEEEEEECH.

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by Whatever on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 3:59pm.

She is a criminal you dumb fuck. She is in jail not a motel. Asswipe. I wish we could send all these comments to that stupid woman. Maybe they would knock some of the cobwebs out of her brain and ass.

Submitted by Pamela on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 3:45pm.

Her biggest fucking complaint is not sell phone? Are you fucking kidding me? Pooe Windsay she cant crack tweet anymore! Does she know how utterly idiotic she sounds?

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Submitted by Lurker on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 7:03pm.
Submitted by Pamela on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 6:51pm

damn girl, you tell it like it is!!!

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 3:43pm.

"I keep expecting White Oprah to rip her mask off revealing that she's really Jennifer Coolidge and this is all just a part of Christopher Guest's newest mockumentary. But no, this is real."

You really hit it, MK. It's that absurd. And the fact that resources are wasted on this family really makes me want to slap something! BRING ME A KITTEN IN A TINY HAT

..............................................................................................
Sometimes you just want to slap a kitten in a tiny hat. - MK

Submitted by reality check on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 3:04pm.

Dina Lohan - Long Island Association's 2008 Mother of the Year

Submitted by Joe Dabb Babbalucci on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 2:44pm.

When WO speaks she removes all doubt that she is a fucking idiot.

I have to laugh when "celebrities" insist on being treated differently simply because they are "famous for being infamous."

LiLo needs to go immediately to rehab as Da Judge ordered. No need to re-negotiate or compromise. LiLo snubbed the law. The law won. Ask Bobby Fuller about it.

Submitted by darlingjulie on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 2:42pm.

I hope she gets bedbugs in jail

Submitted by 4lice4nn on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 2:41pm.

What a dumb bitch.

Jesus...

Cell phone privileges? This isn't summer camp. IT'S FUCKING JAIL, YOU IDIOT!

As for the pillow, I am sure she could purchase one from commissary. That is usually how it works.

Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 2:27pm.

"She’s treated like a common criminal."

Umm, cuz she is one, bitch. Very common habitual criminal, in fact.

Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON

Submitted by azgirl on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 1:59pm.

God this woman is so dumb.

Submitted by JeffreyDahmer on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 1:44pm.

"There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal."

Because she is! Jail is were criminals are kept, you stupid cunt!

Submitted by SweetAndTenderH... on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 1:14pm.

Shut he fuck up Dina, you pompous, horse-faced twat. Seriously, I cant stand this bitch.

Submitted by CandyPerfumeGirl on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 1:06pm.

These Blohan whores are all completely out of touch with reality. Is she seriously complaining that Lindsey doesnt have a cell phone in jail? what else? bubble baths and designer suits and her own private masseuse and colorist? Are they fucking kidding me?

This really proves that she deserves ot be in jail. And for that matter, that they all deserve to be in jail. They missed the whole point of why what she did was so bad and they seem to see it as some kind of vendetta against blohan.
..

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"Charlie you fucking bitch, let's work it out" - High Fidelity

Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 1:05pm.

No pillows or cell phone privileges in Hell, either. Is White Oprah gonna complain to The Enquirer that Satan isn't being fair to her baby? Ah ha ha ha!

Submitted by imk505 on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 1:02pm.

She's isolated from the other nutjobs isn't that enough special treatment? Stick her in general population -they'll beat the cracky shit out her there.

Submitted by iHeartHaters on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:54pm.

Delusional is as delusional does, WO.
She's fuckin nuts but at least she provides entertainment thru her rants & fucklarious pics like this=))

~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP3Q1nOzgR0

Submitted by You Knew Who on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:51pm.

AWWWWWW Poor Lohan. NO pillow, no yaking on her cell phone, having to talk to her visitors thru glass. Dina, you stupid fucking pimp mamma cunt why do you think it's called jail?

You should have worried so much about your daughter's drug addiction and getting her some real help. Oh wait, you were too busy pimping her out and stick your hand up the goose's ass to yank out golden eggs

Submitted by jd.xy on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:45pm.

What is wrong with this bitch????????? Is she so far gone that she has no concept of reality?

I know, I know, stupid questions.

She should be locked up in the cell next to her daughters - Bad parenting should be punishable with prison time.

Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:42pm.

This picture's so hot for this post:)

♥ Threadkilla!
"I kissed him sort of hard and totally passionately, which I could tell he liked a lot, so I pushed him away and slapped him so he wouldn't think I was a slut. But not very hard, so he wouldn't think I wasn't interested." ~Abby

Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:42pm.

I still can't get over that ANYONE who's incarcerated (including at minimum security places) is permitted to have a cell phone. I just learned that recently, and it blew my mind.

Submitted by TheStraightMan on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:39pm.

Mrs. Lohan, I know its hard for you to understand. But when people break rules (look it up) there are consequences (again: www.google.com...check it out).

We all know you are upset. We are too! Most of us would like to see you behind bars and not your daughter because, lets face it, you are to blame.

Regards,
The General Public

Submitted by chinlee3 on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:24pm.

Lilo IS a common criminal. Her Ma is just a sloppy old drunk. Her dad is chock full of hubris. This family is got to be one of the creepiest bunch of motherfuckers in the universe, and they still feel they are better than everyone else. Slap White Oprah in the pokey for a few days I bet you'd see the biggest case of DTs ever.

Submitted by Goldigga on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:20pm.

Please dont tell me she actually said "she's being treated like a common criminal"!! Thats what she is! She should be thankful Lindsay got away with fuck all time, if it was anyone else they'd throw away the fucking key!________________________________________________

I was just myself. I didn't know any other way to be, or any other way to live - Bettie Page

Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:18pm.

She IS a common criminal, ASSHAT!

Submitted by sjsmitty on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:16pm.

Submitted by KD on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 10:49am.
She doesn't have a cell phone because they are afraid she will hang herself with all the wires.

Nah, it's so that she can't tweet!! INJUSTICE!! (and a god send for us) Mind you, double edged sword and all that, now we only get to hear WO caca, not sure which is better

Submitted by Auntie Mame on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:13pm.

Dear Dina,
Your skank of a daughter broke the fucking law-several times. THAT MAKES HER A COMMON CRIMINAL, YOU VAPID CUNT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

"Darling, I shall open doors to worlds of fuckery you never dreamed existed!"

Submitted by nicaw on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:06pm.

I figured out why her daughter is in jail. This fool acts as if she is a gift to the world. With that, she hasn't taught her anything.

Let Lindsay out and put her mom in jail. She needs to learn a lesson too.

Submitted by NitWitty on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:05pm.

Submitted by Green Is Good on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:04pm.

Every time White Oprah opens her mouth, she further torpedoes any chance of her spoiled bitch daughter ever reviving her career.
**********************************8
From your lips to Baby Jezuz's ears, GIG.

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I'd like to flay you with my rapier wit, but I'm afraid it's about as dull as fucking your mother.

Submitted by Green Is Good on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:04pm.

Every time White Oprah opens her mouth, she further torpedoes any chance of her spoiled bitch daughter ever reviving her career.

Submitted by babybunny on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 12:03pm.

LET ME GET THIS FUCKERY RIGHT...HOHAN CARJACKED A CAR HAS ABOUT TWO TO THREE DUI'S ALSO WAS IN POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE...(which was "tossed") due to the circumstances of a asshole cop who thought it was a crushed up mint (wtf???) blew of court numerous times, and has had cases going back about three years...and FINALLY GOT SERVED THE JUSTICE SHE DESERVES...AND THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE MOTHER OF HERS IS SHOCKED THAT JAIL IS....DARE WE SAY IT...JAIL. NO ONE BITCH GETS PILLOWS IN JAIL, WTF??? ALSO EVERYONE HAS TO SPEAK THROUGH A GLASS PARTITION WITH A PHONE...HOW INCREDIBLY STUPID ARE YOU...I MEAN REALLY???? THIS BITCH IS TOO MUCH....FUCK!! I AM SO FUCKING MAD AT HER...I WAS TIRED BEFORE TYPING THIS.....the only good thing this whore did was wake me up without having to pour more coffee into my system...dayum how I despise this Hohan clan...almost as much as the Kuntassian's and the Parasite Hilton clan...BUT I HATE THE KUNTASSIANS A BIT MORE...but they are cathing up to them...trust that!!

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 11:39am.

Wait, did this bitch get released already?