JLo Is On The Prowl For A New Bitch
Are you a sadomasochist who gets off on getting cursed the hell out for 12 hours straight a day? Does the thought of changing the diapers of someone else's baby while they yell at you to use more custom made Dior talc just make you want to jump out of bed in the morning? Do you really really hate yourself in a seriously hateful way? Well, if the answer "yes" to all those questions then I've got the perfect dream job for you!
Life & Style reports that JLo is looking for a new assistant to torture since her last one finally snapped and is now banging their head against the wall in a padded room in a mental hospital somewhere.
According to Life & Style's sources, this is what will be required of you as JLo's main slave:
- "The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things."- "You'll be expected to travel at a moment's notice and must know how to adjust in each city."
- "The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You'll be on call 24/7 and you've got to be organized and always on point."
- "You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away."
- "You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.”
Other duties the source failed to mention include:
- Comforting the virgins Skeletor just sucked the life out of by wrapping a blanket around them and walking them to a waiting cab outside.- You have to get on your knees in front of JLo's fat ass every day and say to it, "Who's the most beautiful and bodacious butt in Hollywood? YOU ARE! YOU ARE! YOU ARE!" You have to say this with feeling. If you don't, you have to keep doing it until you get it right.
- When Jlo is feeling bored and down, you have to pretend to be a high-powered movie executive and call her up on the second line to offer her millions of dollars to star in your movie. JLo will turn you down and say that her schedule is booked solid for the next 2 years. If you laugh into the phone, you have to do the butt worshiping thing again.
And for your blood, sweat, tears and sanity, JLo will generously give you $55,000 to $65,000....A YEAR! That's around $15 an hour! Dealing with JLo's fuckery should pay $55,000 a month, if not an hour!
$55,000 is what it's going to cost to bail you out of jail once you jump over the edge by smashing all of her precious jewels and white candles to bits. $55,000 is what you're going to spend a month on all the illegal drugs you'll have to swallow to keep yourself from choking her out!
But I guess it could always be worse, you could be Naomi Campbell's assistant instead.
(via Celebitchy & Jezebel)
• 
First of all, Life & Style Magazine is a "pay for play" rag. JLow and many other celebutards have a pre-market deal with the loser mag.
Secondly, it's time to out Jlow. She is washed up, and her "vast wealth" is a lie. All of her shit and yacht trips are freebies from the idiots who think her "endorsement" means something.
Thirdly, it's time that you all know that her room freshener/perfume crap is carcinogenic. It has one of the highest amounts of volatile petro by-products on the market.
Fourth, how the fork could anyone value this seal clubbing narcissist? I hope she gets sucked into her whopping ass crack and we see her hop away on those ugly ostrich legs. No offense to ostriches.
@soultronic
You should apply!!
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Been there, done that and never regretted it!
I think I already said that in my post :o(
I worked for a fairly hight powered movie exec in Beverly Hills and I lasted just under a year.
BTW; I made nothing even nearing $65K, he was a real cheap skate!!!! AND still I didn't regret taking the job.
I cant help but picture those twins doing a Stewie Griffin when you change the diapers..."How does that smell? Does it smell like servitude?
I'm STILL laughing about the idea of talking babytalk to JLo's gargantuan monster ass. I thought my job was shit, but thank god for Hollywood fuckwits with a ridiculously disproportionate sense of entitlement. They give you some perspective, eh?
Am I just drunker than usual or is DListed particularly funny today? This post, and THIS, "You better get yourself a good medical plan before you fuck with Terry. If one of his peen veins throbs just a little while he's hitting it, you will end up with a deviated rectum and a shattered ass bone. Terry's idea of using protection involves more than just a condom made out of Kevlar" made me blow a funny fuse. Holy shit, Michael K. You're like a smutty Kerouac.
Is it just me, or do you kind of get that SUNSET BOULEVARD feel that whoever signs up for this will meet her creepy, haggard (well, not as haggard as Skeletor) prior husbands who are now working as the butler/chef and they are all "yes, miss lopez. right away miss lopez" and sending her fan mail and shit.
Ben Affleck is there too, with a series 1 Nokia flip phone and "jenny from the block" as his polyphonic ringtone.
http://nikkiawesome.com
Meh, after having spent six months working at McDonald's, I think I can handle anything.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
R.I.P Ronnie James Dio :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8GsmcWjT6c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt3gYfEGChs&feature=related
I'm sure she'll get lots of applications. The economy's tough, and there are many young things in Hollywood without the smarts or education to make that kind of money otherwise. But JLo should know that if she wants to be able to pick from the best, she'll have to pay for it. Surely getting excellent help is worth, say, an extra $30,000/year? And, she owns her own business, so she'd be able to write a certain amount of this salary as a business expense, no? Frugal doesn't bother me but stupidly refusing to pay a few (by her standards) extra sheckels to get top-notch help makes my head spin.
She had me at snack time.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 11:42am.
harveyprice, as someone who has Nannied for 16 years, it INFURIATES me when people try and cut corners on their childcare. A Nanny should be the MOST IMPORTANT person you ever hire. Buy yourself one less pair of Jimmy Choos a month, and PAY!
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Yeah, well this is where I would start.... I get hella pissed when the average hard working woman bitches about the cost of child care. IT IS A CHILD. A HUMAN BEING. And if somebody is a good mother, they know damn well how difficult a job it is. Child care workers, teachers, school bus drivers.. the people that parents entrust their children's lives to are some of the most underpaid, underappreciated and unfortunately, underqualified (I'm not suggesting that about you PSL). So if this bitch ^ has the means to pay for the best, and she's not willing...
I'm not even gonna discuss the money she spends on herself, or the ridiculous requirements and schedule she expects which would exhaust any person and make them unfit to care for children.
She's the portrait of greed and selfishness. She can go to hell.
Damn. I wanna post and say so much that is WRONG with her, what a selfish ungrateful useless excuse for a mother she is, but she won't read it and if being a mother don't make her realize, my words wouldn't anyway.
Submitted by Manimal5 on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 9:28pm.
I'm sure the assistants primary function is going to be like this:
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
*throws phone in assistant's general direction, knocks assistant unconscious, inserts IV, and retrieves blood for Skeletor's afternoon snack*
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Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.
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I'm sure the assistants primary function is going to be like this:
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Does this dress make me look fat? NO!
Submitted by stinkbutt on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 7:11pm.
I worked as an assistant one time for this head bitch at Warner Bros. it was a fucking nightmare. Just doing the flight arrangements made my head spin, the time differences in each country this bitch had to be in...ughh. I lasted only two weeks. Nowadays I'm a music teacher at a high school, and suites me just well.
--Love your "got the hell out of HW" story. Similar to mine, though I've taken advantage of moving to a smaller place to actually learn creative things instead of being surrounded by cattiness, which makes it so hard to learn and survive in that city.
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In my neck of the woods, men who will do ANYONE are known as Donkey Dicks.
He-WHORE,he'WHORE.” -A.cotw, DListed
Submitted by CandyPerfumeGirl on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 4:55pm.
One would think that coming from the Latino-cleans-bathrooms background she would have a little more respect and understanding for what she and her kind used to be (and still largely are)
Not really phrased the best way, but I.T.A. All of these people (of ALL races) that come up from "nothing" and then shit on everyone when they start making money are utterly ridiculous. If this is what it means to be rich, I'd rather be poor.
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And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an us. I'd best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love, I'm the only one in love.
Adele, "Heart to Stone"
Submitted by stinkbutt on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 7:11pm.
I wouldn't last a day!! ESP, if the butler/cook was away. It would be a choice of hot dogs, grill cheese, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
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Hilarious! Don't forget their juice box.
Dedicated to the Winners & the Losers... The Wu
I wouldn't last a day!! ESP, if the butler/cook was away. It would be a choice of hot dogs, grill cheese, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I worked as an assistant one time for this head bitch at Warner Bros. it was a fucking nightmare. Just doing the flight arrangements made my head spin, the time differences in each country this bitch had to be in...ughh. I lasted only two weeks. Nowadays I'm a music teacher at a high school, and suites me just well.
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65k a year ot be her personal slave? Doesnt this like violate some serious labor codes or something? She makes millions every year and can only pay 65 k for the person running everything? What a stingy bitch. One would think that coming from the Latino-cleans-bathrooms background she would have a little more respect and understanding for what she and her kind used to be (and still largely are) - but nope. Money, just like power corrupts.
...
.
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"Charlie you fucking bitch, let's work it out" - High Fidelity
Typical assistant job, really. I did that for a minor screen writer who never made it and did not pay me all for the sake of having an internship. It's normal for an assistant to be available all hours of the night. But this level of pay is shit. Clooney gives his assistant a house on his property, and an experience assistant reigns in about 80K or so. 55K is soooo low for this crap.
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In my neck of the woods, men who will do ANYONE are known as Donkey Dicks.
He-WHORE,he'WHORE.” -A.cotw, DListed
Submitted by GreenFairy on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 3:11pm.
It's actually not a bad job, if you do it for a year or two.
With all the shit also come a lot of perks. It's an exciting job for the right person.
======
You should apply!!
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Don't hate me cause I'm DLeautiful
Submitted by Datura on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 3:15pm.
And then I'd calmly stroll away.
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And she would say: I am NOT FAT! and stomp her fat little foot.
♥ Threadkilla!
We didn't start the Flame War:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543
What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
~ Jeph Jacques
LoL wow! JLo has "snack time"?
Her snack time? Is the bitch five years old? JLo would probably look a bit better if her assistant would forget her snack time for a few months.
But, that said, I'd LOVE to take that job. I'd work like an angel for the first two days -- be the best slave personal assistant the world has ever seen, then on day three, I would unleash the bitch. "JLO, YOU ARE A FAT NOBODY HAS-BEEN WHO HASN'T BEEN ATTRACTIVE OR RELEVANT SINCE 1997. YOU CAN'T ACT, YOU CAN'T SING, YOUR HUSBAND PROBABLY CHEATS ON YOU, YOUR CHILDREN ARE UGLY, AND YOU ARE A JOKE! PICK UP YOUR OWN TACKY CLOTHES AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR GIANT, CAVERNOUS ARSE! FUCK YOU AND THE 55 THOUSAND A YEAR YOU'D PAY ME."
And then I'd calmly stroll away.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
It's actually not a bad job, if you do it for a year or two.
With all the shit also come a lot of perks. It's an exciting job for the right person.
Also most if not all your expenses are paid; like food, car , housing. Which means the salary is in your pocket.
It's fun to meet all the rich and famous people, travel all over the world and get preferential treatment at all locations they are travelling to and it will look good on the resume later too! It's a stepping stone.
It really is a great job for a certain amount of time.
I did a job very similar to this one once; I only lasted just under a year, but I never forgot how exciting it was and it taught me a lot!
Actually what she is paying is not that bad! I made less than what JLo is paying and I was already college educated (that's what got me the job in the first place)!
If a job is classified as Exempt then working over 40 hours without additional compensation is perfectly legal. Most employers (even private employers such as cunt-Jlo) have work life balance and give hard working employees 2 days a week off and at least 2 weeks vacation.
She's disgusting.
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Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!
i dont wanna live on this planet anymore
^^^^^^^I know, right?
Submitted by The Mad Catter on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 11:50am.
J. LO HUNGRY!!!! J. LO NEED SNACK!!!
lololol
Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 1:33pm.
That's more than my paycheck, where do I sign up? Just one question....do I have to be in charge of procuring the rare red foxes for her fake eyelashes?
You also have to club the baby seals to make her gloves. So being on call 24/7, does that include your one day a week off? Because that would essentially mean that you have no life of your own and apparently you don't deserve it because you are not JLo. Has-been cunt.
lets give JLOW the universal middle finger...THIS BITCH!! Just when I thought it was safe to ignore her she throws this fuckery in...I would really have to kill her if I had this job...more proof that she does nothing to raise her kids but hand them off to the "help"...GOD help me I TRULY AND DEEPLY DESPISE THIS BITCH!!
I forgot JLo was a Scientologist. Why is she advertising for an assistant? She could just call Xenu Headquarters and have them ship over a selection to choose from, all of whom are brainwashed into being happy to work for .30/hr.
That's more than my paycheck, where do I sign up? Just one question....do I have to be in charge of procuring the rare red foxes for her fake eyelashes?
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"LiLo is talking like she has swam out of the Jack Daniels bottle, hiked past the coke mountains, dove off of a crack spoon and is now ready to be someone's sponsor or something." -MK
Those are slave fuckin' wages.
I would be able to everything that job requirement, but I'd end up killing that Bronx bitch after 3 days.
Cheap cunt.
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"I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."- The Deliciously Insane Mel Gibson- 7/1/10
Quite possibly one of the only celebs I truly despise.
Is it sick that I get pleasure out of her demise?
I've hated this bitch ever since I read that she insists on using a special face cream that sells for $160 per 4 oz. on her entire damn body.
Clear the fuck off already, HOpez.
Cheap fucking bitch. Does the assistant have to wipe JLo's ass too? And just what talent does this twat have?
Submitted by Some random European on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 12:48pm.
I see, i m livin up to my name...didn`t even see you had my Dad as your avie...
;-)
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I fixed dinner, i get bottom. I called it!!
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 11:42am.
harveyprice, as someone who has Nannied for 16 years, it INFURIATES me when people try and cut corners on their childcare. A Nanny should be the MOST IMPORTANT person you ever hire. Buy yourself one less pair of Jimmy Choos a month, and PAY!
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Werd.
♥ Threadkilla!
We didn't start the Flame War:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543
What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
~ Jeph Jacques
Submitted by The Mad Catter on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 11:50am.
J. LO HUNGRY!!!! J. LO NEED SNACK!!!
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LOL! Yeah, basically you're taking care of a three year old and her two babies. Fun.
♥ Threadkilla!
We didn't start the Flame War:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543
What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
~ Jeph Jacques
$55,000 to raise her damn kids, cook her damn food, and no time off?
Bitch bye!!
Advertising like this to the world of stalkers and crazy fans must mean that she has been 86d by all the reputable agencies.
no sleep no personal life and only 65k a year working 80 to 100 hours a week? 16 dollars an hour?
no overtime no perks no thank you
"I will pee myself today and when someone asks, "what is that smell?", I will happily tell them Veluptuous by KK!" Urmomma
This is how this slag keeps herself in the press? Advertising for an assistant? Pathetic.
That is how the rich keep getting richer...
If I worked for her, I spit in her food and serve it with a smile.
I was going to apply until I read "you may not GET OFF for weeks".
Thanks bitch bye
Damn, talk about a dream job! JLo must have em' lined up around the block to interview.
I had a friend in Hollywood who worked for someone high up in the movie industry. His job sounded exactly like what JLo wants. He would get called at 3 a.m. to get his employer a paper clip, that sort of thing. He ended up having a heart attack and the employer instantly fired him for not being able to fulfill his duties. One suspects JLo would do exactly the same.
"What's your motto?" "Kill everyone NOW"
Lol, Uncle Brain-fart, I always knew the avatar would be too subtile to give my identity away so I decided to throw a few more hints in your general direction. ;)
Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 12:46pm
AH-MAZING. Don't wanna be back.
YAY LAUREN.
on topic: blah, who cares. probably not even true.
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Take a bow, freak. Jack-n-the-hat 10-5-2009
For what purpose was this created? A goddamn project for whore school? Sophie_003 10-6-2009
JANEY!!!!!
how was your vaca?
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►I'm a free bitch, baby◄
"Give me a red velvet with a heaping sprinkling of FUCK on top!" MK
perhaps jlo should consider taking the assistant job herself, since she's unempoyed and "idol" turned down 20M request...AND it's obvious that even her dick sucking skills have grown tiresome in hollywood...
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sit your $5 ass down before i make change...