Ashley Horn Really Wants To Be A Lohan
Two years ago a woman named Kristi Hobson admitted to the public through InTouch that in 1995 Michael Lohan grunted on top of her and squirted man chowder into her vag which made a baby girl she named Ashley. The answer to the question "Who besides White Oprah actually says out loud that they fucked Michael Lohan?" had been answered. But Michael Lohan made Maury's ears itch when he said he was not the father. Kristi immediately took Michael to court to force him to take a DNA test. Flash forward to 2 years later....
In this week's Life & Style (with the battle for adorable mini Ken Doll on the cover), Kristi says that Michael never jizzed into a cup to test his DNA. No, it wasn't because they couldn't find a cup that was willing to do this. It didn't happen because Michael never showed up. So a judge declared that Michael Lohan is Ashley's father and his name was added to her birth certificate. Kristi now wants $300,000 in back child support. Kristi must be new here, because I'm pretty sure Michael Lohan's checking account is as empty as the space between White Oprah's nostrils.
Michael says that he is fighting Kristi and will take a DNA test.
Ashley says that even though her mother fought to get Michael Lohan's name on her birth papers, she's never going to think of him as a father, "I do not trust him, and I don't want to be around him or part of his life. I could never call Michael Lohan 'Dad.' A dad is a person who is there for you and takes care of you."
Let's say that for whatever reason (temporary insanity or taking too much acid) you got knocked up with Michael Lohan's spawn. Wouldn't you immediately run out and marry ANYBODY and trick him into thinking the kid is his so the truth will never be revealed. And I mean ANYBODY: a homeless junkie psychic, Gallagher, Carrie the Dancing Dog, etc.. This is what a normal person would do.
And if your mother told you that Michael Lohan is your father, wouldn't you plug your ears with your finger tips and scream the loudest LALALALALA ever. Better yet, wouldn't you get ANY vampire to glamour this information from your head? And I mean ANY VAMPIRE: Count Chocula, Grandpa Munster, etc... This is what a normal person would do.
So Ashley must be a Lohan if she's talking shit about her father in the pages of a tabloid. The famewhore gene is alive and well! There's the DNA results.
And here's Ashley's supposed half-sister going to court in Santa Monica this morning.
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Submitted by angel_i on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 9:17pm.
I think it's a timeline, you know. Like, we're all programmed to walk and talk at around the same time. I think Single Moms (like myself) can go about ten years before we're like: "WHAT. THE. FUCK? Did I really get left alone with all of this? Really? TEN FUCKING YEARS and still nothing. Fuck you, DAD! Take some fucking responsibility already." I know I've been going through that for the past year. Shit - I bet my kid's even has money by now. Luckily for him, I'm WAY too lazy to try and find that ass and I hate paperwork. It also helps that I think he's an ass. It would be terribly helpful for him to become a famewhore tho and I could just see him in here.
HAHA Angel... get you ass to work on it girl!!
Not fair!
So NOW he is going to take a DNA test? Why didn't he do it two years ago then and prove her wrong? I suspect he probably is her father.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
what the fuck is wrong with angelina dressing her daughter like that? sorry- boy clothes, fine- but damn, dont give her an identity issue by going ALL boy.. damn. fuck-a-buncha-angelina.
..and boo on you too brad.
~<3~<3~~<3~<3~~<3~<3~~<3~<3~~<3~<3~~<3~<3~~<3~
"Oh, mama
I wanna go surfing
Oh, mama
I don't care about nothing"
am i really the first to notice that her fly is down in the first picture?
This explains why Michael Lohan moved to LA, he's avoiding a subpoena for back child support. Where they came up with 300k is a mystery because he seems to be employed at blackmailing talent managers for commissions on tv shows he has nothing to do with, and supplementing that criminal failure with trying to get people to fly on private jets for a commission. In other words unemployed for years when not serving jail time, Wheeeeee! Lisa Bloom needs to explain Cali's 3 strike law to this 3 time loser before he's here for good but living with Bubba in Pelican Bay. I think the LAPD & the Sheriff's may have a pin the tail on the donkey policy concerning Senor Lohan.
Or he wants to be closer to Radar Online to grab cash for selling his daughter's rehab diary *part 1 million* for $50 a page. What a sleeze. Hope the little gal knows she'll have to spend holiday's with him if he pays any support. Burn!
LMao she s basically a younger version of Michael Lohan in a wig.
She looks more like Michael Lohan than either Lindsay or Ali.
That is definitely his kid. She looks just like him.
Why would anyone wants to be associated with the Lohans?
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BRING BACK the old, glamorous Hollywood!!!
We just witnessed an act of child abuse. This woman put Michael Lohan's name on this poor girl's birth certificate.
And really who wouldn't want to be a Lohan. Little or no jail time...90days court ordered rehab...let's make it two weeks!!
They don't need a DNA test...poor girl looks just like him.
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This ain't my first time at the rodeo.
Well, Michael should look on the bright side, he just got the opportunity to train another kid to train on the ho stroll and possibly exploit and leech from.
Lindsay calls him "ex-father" anyways.
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"Sal, darling, you are the reason some women go gay. ♥" - Submitted by Dog on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 6:32pm.
I think it's a timeline, you know. Like, we're all programmed to walk and talk at around the same time. I think Single Moms (like myself) can go about ten years before we're like: "WHAT. THE. FUCK? Did I really get left alone with all of this? Really? TEN FUCKING YEARS and still nothing. Fuck you, DAD! Take some fucking responsibility already." I know I've been going through that for the past year. Shit - I bet my kid's even has money by now. Luckily for him, I'm WAY too lazy to try and find that ass and I hate paperwork. It also helps that I think he's an ass. It would be terribly helpful for him to become a famewhore tho and I could just see him in here.
♥ Threadkilla!
We didn't start the Flame War:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543
What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
~ Jeph Jacques
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Submitted by JenM: "I just thought of the best person in the WORLD for Michael Lohan to date. If they were together they definitely would get a reality show, which they both want, and it would definitely be high rated. And that person is Danielle Staub"
Like it! I'd watch.
Submitted by JenM on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 5:13pm.
Why does Lindsay go to court every day dressed like a homeless person?
My thoughts exactly. Dress appropriately for court, bitch!!!
As for this poor lass, when you're the lovechild of a Shannen Doherty lookalike and Michael Lohan, you haven't got a snowball's chance in hell of being normal :(
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Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.
Seriously MK, your sanity and rational thinking makes me so happy. Why would you even acknowledge some d-bag like this being the sperm donor and why would you put your daughter in a situation to have to meet this crazy fuck?
"I've had spots on my butt forever - it's a leopard booty."- Chippy D
Submitted by letinstar on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 4:54pm.
_________________________________________________
Your signature is from one of the greatest movies ever. "Rock-a-bye baby!"
"You thought I was a doughnut and tried to glaze me"
Yup Green Is Good. She needs to put that paternity test down, slowly back away from it then press the trigger to the flametrhower all over that "official DNA test". DENY DENY DE-FKIN-NY.
Don't these bitches read DListed?!!?
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May the Force (of a hundred booger flicks) be with you.
Do these 2 dumb, greedy bitches actually think Mike Lowhan has 300,000? ROFL! They're even more stupid and white trash then they look.
Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 6:09pm.
Oh, and her mom looks like the porn version of Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman.
LOL! That made my day. It may or may not have made me pee a little.
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http://thisismommyhood.wordpress.com/
Why can't anything Lohan be thought out of existence?
A desperate celebrity situation indeed.
Oh wow, why? He's awful and ugly. Still, at least she doesn't look like Ali, the aged teenager.
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
Oh, and her mom looks like the porn version of Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman.
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I ALMOST threw up my grilled cheese sandwich but with Jesus in your life, you can overcome anything. - boobxqueen on Octomom's Star cover
She does look like him, I must say.
Mom is really hot in a trashy way. Check out her fierce eyebrow game!
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"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." Oscar Wilde
Was just gonna say that MLohan doesn't have shit, please! And who the fk would be so dense to come OUT and say "He jizzed me and I haz his baby." ????? For fking WHY!?? Some shit should never be revealed. Just let it go. Damn.
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May the Force (of a hundred booger flicks) be with you.
Submitted by TITS on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 5:42pm.
Who among the living thinks that micheal lohan has a single solitary dime to his name.
I'm baffled to even understand how he can afford ANYTHING let alone child support. Dude doesn't have any income.
I don't see how Lindsay has any disposable income. She spends it like there's no tomorrow, and when was the last time she did lucrative work?
Shit, she does look like him, poor thing.
and, off topic, I know, but Shiloh is a beautiful little girl, just adorable.
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Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke
Ugh. They're multiplying, and they all want to be on tabloid covers.
She wants her "career" back? She was to be taken seriously? She goes to court dressed like that?
"Google me, you dumb fuck!", said some punk bitch rookie cop.
Who among the living thinks that micheal lohan has a single solitary dime to his name.
I'm baffled to even understand how he can afford ANYTHING let alone child support. Dude doesn't have any income.
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Internet fakers: http://tinyurl.com/y94sh4m http://bit.ly/1rcnEc
I'm more interested in the fight for Shiloh story.
Blohan is goes to the court house to meet with her probation officer.
"squirted his man chowder"
*vomits uncontrolably*
She doesn't look all freckly though...oh wait that's the Dina gene.
I just thought of the best person in the WORLD for Michael Lohan to date. If they were together they definitely would get a reality show, which they both want, and it would definitely be high rated. And that person is Danielle Staub.
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OKAY NOT TO MENTION YOU CAN'T STOP A DOG FACE WITH A SOCK STRAP OR A BOOT FACE SMASH YOU KNOW!
Submitted by JenM on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 5:13pm.
Why does Lindsay go to court every day
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You probably could just stop there, yes?
Oopsie! I see now that you did.
It's a good question. Fucked if I know.
♥ Threadkilla!
We didn't start the Flame War:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543
What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
~ Jeph Jacques
Haha! I saw the funniest L&S the other day: Brad's Mom comes between the Holy Couple or some shit. About how Jane has been telling Jen A. all their dirty secrets...and alls I could think was : Aw! that's nice. I miss when Jane used to call Jennifer all the time!
*Ring Ring!*
ONT: He doesn't have to jizz into anything anymore. They take a swab from your mouth, sillay! I guess you can also take it from your ass so it won't matter that it's up there on his shoulders like that.
♥ Threadkilla!
We didn't start the Flame War:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543
What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
~ Jeph Jacques
Why does Lindsay go to court every day dressed like a homeless person? I really want to know why she is at the courthouse, but I wanted to throw in that she is dressed like a homeless person so don't get confused on what I was asking in my question.
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OKAY NOT TO MENTION YOU CAN'T STOP A DOG FACE WITH A SOCK STRAP OR A BOOT FACE SMASH YOU KNOW!
Submitted by putsomestankonit on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 4:52pm.
Why would you want the world to know that you're the bastard child of such a gross bastard?
Reality shows are based on this! LOL
Not really on topic but Machete is a comedy?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLsKPAHV9F4
Surely there are other populated worlds out there that would love to have their very own Lohan. Or half Lohan.
You may send your contributions to "Help a Planet, Send a Lohan" directly to me via Dlisted.
Thanks ever so.
"What's your motto?" "Kill everyone NOW"
ahahahahaha, Ulvy! We want you to go back there, too!!!! Think of all the famewhoring that could have been avoided!
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
The judge just declared him the father without a DNA test?
She does look Lohan-ish, though, poor thing. I'd like to think she takes entirely after her maternal side in terms of personality/intellect, but considering she actually wants a connection with Michael Lohan, I think you can rule that out, too.
FAMEWHORE!!! Most def a Lohan!!!!
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Submitted by Lurker on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 7:03pm.
Submitted by Pamela on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 6:51pm
damn girl, you tell it like it is!!!
Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 5:01pm.
I want to go back in time to the moment Michael Lohan's parents were about to get their fuck on and punch his dad in the dick.
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LMAO!
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Dark-sided!
I want to go back in time to the moment Michael Lohan's parents were about to get their fuck on and punch his dad in the dick.
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I ALMOST threw up my grilled cheese sandwich but with Jesus in your life, you can overcome anything. - boobxqueen on Octomom's Star cover
She defally looks like Ali, poor soul. She's also a famewhore for talking to the mag.
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid