Chelsea Handler Isn't Getting On This Anymore
Chelsea Handler used to spend most of her nights wearing a lion mask and trying to scratch at Animal Planet's Dave Salmoni while he tamed her wild pussy, but not anymore. Chelsea has hung up her lion head for now and is no longer nibbling on Salmoni's salami. On her show last night, Chelsea pretty much announced that she has demoted Dave from full-time to occasional temp for whatever reason. Chelsea put it like this:
"Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated. However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project."
Oh, Chelsea shouldn't give up on Animal Planet just yet. Yes, Dave handles lions in the wild and has a body that was built to be slobbered on, but obviously he wasn't strong enough to take on Chelsea (or her morning vodka breath). Screw him! And screw the other dudes on the network too. Literally.
I'm convinced that the dudes on that network are all serious freaks. Take Cesar Millan for instance. Cesar is dominant during the day, but I bet he's the opposite when the lights go out. Like he probably makes you poke at his peen and go "TS TS TS" before getting on him. And he loves it when you scream "Who's the pack leader now, bitch" while you're spanking on him as he's running on the treadmill. Freaky ass freak! And he's single! Yeah, Chelsea should definitely call him up.
Here's Chelsea bringing that quote to life last night:
• 
hello everyone,im wholesale supplier online
Welcome to our website
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We need your support and trust!!!
Dear friends, please temporarily stop your footsteps
To our website Walk around A look at
Maybe you'll find happiness in your sight shopping heaven and earth
You'll find our price is more suitable for you.
===== http://www.shoes3.us/ ========
*whispering* Salmoni...
Shaz Chels can be funny, but she seems like she prefers to keep people at a distance
Dave is single and so am I. Coincidence? I don't think so. Dave, we should do something about this.... (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
he probably dumped her as soon as he tried her super wide cooch and vodka breath on his dick. Chelsea can dream but I doubt Dave will have any need for booty calls with her...there's gotta be lots of better looking women and men in line ready to tap that hunk.
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"A man has so much more to offer...you know what I mean?" - Blanche Devereaux
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·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
There were two possibilities to this:
a) Personality-wise and/or sexually, he was a dick.
b) Personality-wise and/or sexually, he was too nice to her, and she just couldn't handle it.
And I'd hit it. Definitely.
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A true friend always stabs you in the front.
-Oscar Wilde
I will be MORE than happy to take him off her hands!
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Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.
Chelsea Handler reminds me of all the toxically bitchy, haggard-before-their-time Jewish girls I went to high school with. While her schtick isn't my cup of tea, I admire her for getting paid big bucks to do what she does best. She also seems to be pretty adept at shaking off all her haters and she doesn't take herself too seriously. AND she does "queen of mean" better than that nasty old troll Lisa Lampanelli. You go Chelsea.
Submitted by parkerj on Fri, 09/03/2010 - 5:46am.
Youre right her jokes have gotten way stale and over done and I think everyone must be getting sick of her bc her "panel of comedians" has dwindled down to no one recently. I dont kno if her haggard look is drinking or maybe she is just older than she claims
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
Chelsea used to have her moments, but now they've become more awkward, not so funny moments.
Honestly, she doesn't seem that healthy to me. She really needs to give up the drink, I feel like she always looking hungover or in withdrawal and ready to sneak away for some shots to tie her over.
Submitted by gines on Fri, 09/03/2010 - 1:59am.
i. need. you.
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
i spontaneously jizzed.
god do i love chest hair. wow.
i need to start watching animal planet more.
also why the SHIT was there a juggalo symbol on the rug of that office?
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you seem spritely.
watch me rant: http://www.youtube.com/user/gineriella
Dave is one SCORCHING HOT homosexual!!!
Are there nude photos of Dave?
Submitted by Whatever on Fri, 09/03/2010 - 12:24am.
Does she claim to be 35? She prolly is a little older. I like her but her schtick is getting old. "Im such a drunk Im so sloppy Im such a slut" It gets old pretty quick if ur not ever actually doing any sloppyness to back it up. she needs somethin new
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
She is not funny at all. She was not hitting the sheets with him. If she is 35 I am the King of England.
"...I enjoyed getting in bed with them..."
LOL, GET IT? BECAUSE SHE'S *SUCH* A SLUT!
Seriously, that's the only "self deprecating" joke she's got, and that doesn't count because everyone knows that when people joke about being slutty it's self-flattery thinly veiled as self depecation.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
R.I.P Ronnie James Dio :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8GsmcWjT6c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt3gYfEGChs&feature=related
dick pic link please
(oYo)(_(_)(oYo)(_(_)(oYo)(_(_)(oYo)(_(_)
What's funner than fun? FUNDIO!!!!!
I Heart Chelsea.
Hot hot hot... and a total smart ass to boot :)
No doubt, she's kind of nuts, but I love her for having integrity.
I once dumped a hot guy who was the best lover ever. He had cash too, but he was a psycho, so it was a good decision. I still fantasize about that bastard sometimes though. DAMN HIM!
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Submitted by Random_Pizzaman on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 6:52pm.
Okay, first she dumps a millionaire CEO, and then she dumps THIS hot piece of ass? Girl is crazy.
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"Life is a long lesson in humility."
-- James M. Barrie
i just figured out what bothers me about her looks - her head is really small.
he shoulders look broad, her neck is short, and she is always wearing sleeveless low cut things that make her look like an anorexic linebaker.
and, yeah, she does come off as being nasty somehow.
so i can't say i care who she's sleeping with, past, present or future.
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I didn't ask to be hated
I just don't mind being a bitch.
(Courtney Love)
Strangely, I find her cute in the pic above and him not so much. His mouth looks a little small for his face. Yes, I just wrote that.
Re: her age, yeah, she looks beat and sounds like she knows it. I've seen the show a few times and have heard her make cracks more than once about how old she looks. Of course, doesn't mean she ain't lyin, though.
Submitted by Message In A Bottle on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 8:51pm.
Am I the only Dlisted slut in this place that doesn't find this woman interesting, entertaining or amusing?
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Nope!
Am I the only Dlisted slut in this place that doesn't find this woman interesting, entertaining or amusing?
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If you shoved a vuvuzela into a dog's ass and asked him to fart into a fan, the sound he produces would be more pleasant to the ears than this shit! - Michael K
Brother needs to unknot my cervix...PRONTO.... Say what you want about Chelsea, Aniston and Halle. It's kind of cool that they can take or leave pieces like this.
Search around as there are some serious beefcake pics of him floating about.
Oh, and I don't believe for a minute she got any of that hot piece. It's a gag. Not a very funny one, but then it's Chelsea Handler, so what do you expect?
You make me hate my hips! I hate my hips!
Submitted by azgirl on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 6:52pm.
She spends a lot of time in the sun, that will catch up to anyone. There isn't a skin cream out there that can reverse constant sun exposure.
Really? Then from the looks of this handbag, she must live on the sun. Her fucking plastic surgery is older than 35.
You make me hate my hips! I hate my hips!
Submitted by nclgemini on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 7:09pm.
I stopped watching as well. The jokes the comedians say during the gossip segment are all pre-written or at least rehearsed. I read this in her interview in Marie Claire magazine.
Oh and Jimmy Kimmel has a better hispanic sidekick IMO.
Whack
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May the Force (of a hundred booger flicks) be with you.
I SWEAR chelseas writers steal from fucking dlisted(and probably anything else they can get away with). thats why i stopped watching. her jokes are washed up scraps from mk. and actually typing that, i sound a little crazy. well i'm not! I swear the last couple times i watched her show about 5 months ago it was seriously the same shit I had read on here a couple days before . Same punch line and all. but maybe with all these famewhores we are all just shouting the obvious. who knows! all iknow is i used to love her, but now not so much. her face looks jerky-fied and shes the shade of orange caca! its NOT a good thing if u look like blohans butthole!
Wow!! The money cock, she fucked couldn't get the show canceled? She's going to be like Julia Roberts. Fucking hot guys and end up fucking some married bitch's husband and marrying him. Then I hope the new husband treat her like shit. So he can say, fuck bitch you were on my cock, and I was enjoying your money.
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
Dave Salami must of had to put a bag over that ugly, grizzled hag to be able to fuck her. It must be her ability to snap off her dentures and suck the souls out of men.
Yeah, I'm a big fan of Chelsea
As for wondering if Dave may be gay? Look no further than this clip. Tarzan me likey to lick you! Try and get past Tyra dressed up as Kim Kardashian.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqDMPJFbYlA
Okay, first she dumps a millionaire CEO, and then she dumps THIS hot piece of ass? Girl is crazy.
She spends a lot of time in the sun, that will catch up to anyone. There isn't a skin cream out there that can reverse constant sun exposure.
I watch her show sometimes, she is only funny around other funny people. By herself she comes across bitchy.
StickACockInWoo... -- Chelsea was banging the CEO of Comcast for ages -- that's how she got that gig.
Another leg spread attention whore who will do anything (including releasing a sex tape of her getting reamed from the rear) to get people to notice her. Pathetic...
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"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." - Brit's Tits
I don't watch Chelsea's show, but I have found her funny in the past.
It is a great accomplishment to have your own show. One should not ruin it by airing dirty laundry in front of thousands of people. It's poor form.
What's her appeal? and who she fucked and sucked to get a show?
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
Submitted by fuckingclassy on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 5:57pm.
Sweet Jesus in Heaven, that ho bag looks like she's 45 and she's only 35? Damn, bitch can't age right.
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that shit has got to stop. Chicks start noticably aging in their 30's and for the lucky it only becomes prevelant in their early 40's. Once you turn that corner on 30 or 35 you start noticing the bags and dark circles and lines. Hollywood people many times will erase it away with procedures or you will get some outskirt asshole who will say, "well my mom is 55 and doesn't look like that". but the fact of the matter is, that is the way 35-40 year olds look.
settle down charlie m. did your daddy hate your momma? maybe she was a filthy whore like oksana...Submitted by lovethejared
I thought she had gotten back with the head of E! Guess I've been out of the loop.
I WOULD.
Madam Pince -- I'm with you, babe; I love me some Hugh Laurie. RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really don't like her- she just comes across as nasty - some folk can rip the piss out of other people but still come across likeable but she just comes across as a bitch -always. Oh and she is as much 35 as my mum. Nasty bitter bint.
I have no idea who he is
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
This broad is not funny. Her show is incredibly unfunny. I don't understand why she's so popular.
Side note: I refer to hot black guys as choco bears, I don't see anything racist about it.
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
I'm sorry Chelsea but this guy is way tooo hot for your old-looking ass. I'd lick that shit from head to toe.
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Don't hate me cause I'm DLeautiful
Submitted by RichBitch on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 6:02pm.
ps. that pic should be illegal! I've got such a boner I can't move from behind my desk to go into a meeting!
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Look at Chelsea. Your boner will shrink to the size of the worm in a tequila bottle.
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I never said that it was your fault.
I said that I was going to blame you.
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ps. that pic should be illegal! I've got such a boner I can't move from behind my desk to go into a meeting!
Dave Salmoni is so fucking horny but you know he only has a hard on for his animals and being in the jungle and shit.
How come Chelsea can make racial slurs with impunity but Dr. Laura get canned (okay she "quit")?
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I never said that it was your fault.
I said that I was going to blame you.
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