Keith Richards On Mick Jagger's Dick (Not Like That), And Other Things
The rusty aluminum file cabinet drawer marked "memories" in Keith Richards' head is filled with a few dead dragons (yeah, he caught three or four), torn panties and different kinds of ash, but he still managed to put together the pieces to write his life story. Keith, who is what you would get if you dipped Freddy Krueger into sexy sauce (don't deny), writes about Mick Jagger's toddler dick, his drug days and how he thought Johnny Depp was a dealer.
There's a million excerpts at Rolling Stone, but here's a few for now. Keef should really do this more often.
Keef on how Mick has a case of the Cisco Adlers in the nutsack area, but has a case of the Jon Gosselins in the dick area: "Marianne Faithfull had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he's got an enormous pair of balls - but it doesn't quite fill the gap."Keef on how his friendship with Mick made a sharp turn down "DO I HATE YOU OR NOT?" Road back in the 80s: "I used to love Mick, but I haven't been to his dressing room in 20 years. Sometimes I think, 'I miss my friend'. I wonder, 'Where did he go?'"
Keef on why he thinks Mick brought the bitchery on him: "I've no doubt, in retrospect, that Mick was very jealous of me having other male friends. Maybe his exclusivity is bound up with his own siege mentality. Or maybe he thinks he's trying to protect me: What does that asshole want from Keith?' But quite honestly, I can't put my finger on it."
Keef on how he'll be friends with Mick until the zombie hunters get them: "Because I love the man dearly; I'm still his mate. But he makes it very difficult to be his friend."
Keef on his party days: "Some of my most outrageous nights I can only believe actually happened because of corroborating evidence. No wonder I’m famous for partying! The ultimate party, if it’s any good, you can’t remember it. You get these brief vignettes of what you did. 'Oh, you don’t remember shooting the gun? Pull up the carpet, look at those holes, man.' I feel a bit of shame and embarrassment. 'You can’t remember that? When you got your dick out, swinging from the chandelier, anybody up for grabs, wrap it in a five-pound note?' Nope, don’t remember a thing about it.'"
Keef on why he dropped the bad shit from his daily diet: "I don't want to see my old friend Lucifer just yet. He's the guy I'm gonna see, isn't it? I'm not going to the other place, let's face it. I've given up everything now - which is a trip in itself."
Keef on Johnny Depp: "It took me two years before I realised who he was. He was just one of my son Marlon's mates, hanging around the house playing guitar. I never ask Marlon's mates who they are because, you know, 'I'm a dope dealer." Then one day I was at dinner and I'm like 'Woah, Scissorhands."'
From now on, Johnny Depp should always be introduced as "WOAH, Scissorhands." Always.
• 
Keef is living proof that years and years of drug abuse preserves the body in later years. But destroys the brainz.
Keef is about 175 years old, and has done more of the bad shit than the collective planet Earth. And yet, I'd still do him before Dreamboat.
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You are so dumb, you are really dumb...for real.
The Stones aren't really relevant anymore but I give them credit for still being able to fill stadiums and I have to say listening to them: fuck they did a lot of good songs. Plus Mick lived (lives, God knows, Jerry still does anyway) up the road from where I grew up as did Ronnie (although I think he should have stayed with the Faces) with Keef in the garden in a small shed. Stones town!
Now he's telling the press about Mick's tiny dick, I'm sure this will rekindle their friendship!
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"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer"
i'm gonna enjoy all of keef's stories...but...gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, that face! how anyone can look at and lay under that without turning into a pillar of salt is beyond me...
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Just wait til your ball sack is jangling around your knees like santa's bells and your brows are meeting your eyelids -stolen from: Urfugginjokin on Holy Moly on 10/13/10
Ugh, he's starting to look like Leprechaun..remember that creepy arse movie? Mick Jagger would never get laid if he wasn't famous, ugly bastard
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That big ten-head must give you lots of brain room, huh, Goldigga - Submitted by Vern on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 9:14am
see, keef, that's why mick is a bitch to you! "tiny todger', indeed!!
hahah
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milk and cheese - dairy products gone BAD.
This is awesome. I will so read his book.
He was on one of those VH1 flashback shows where everybody is on and he starts laughing and says, "Marianne Faithful had the best rack!"
Okay add him to my halloween costumes list! Jesus! That is scary! How does Patti Hanson look at that? Ewwwwww!
Aside from enjoying his comments, seriously why the need to tell the world about Mick's lack of dick?
The Rolling Stones haven't been relevant since 1976, after the "It's Only Rock N' Roll" lp, and when The Tour Of The Americas ended.
After Mick Taylor left, and they brought in the silly Ron Wood sound, it was all over.
"Then one day I was at dinner and I'm like 'Woah, Scissorhands."
Hahahahhhahahhaha. I love this dude. He said shit about Mick's small dick a few years ago when they did their last tour, "It's on the tip of his nose"... and had to apologise because Mick flipped the fuck out.
I LOVE KEEF
*spits out lunch* Jeez, no warning, no nothing!
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"DO AS I SAY AND BUY THE MOTHERFUCKING COCK SHIT GODDAMN FIVE POUND BAG OF THE SODDING WHITE FUCKING POTATOES!" - QBK 10.2010
"LEARN. TO. FUCKING. COUNT. YOU JACKHOLE." - Uvy 10.2010
(...still lmfao!)
Freddy Kreuger (SP who cares) and Scissorhands, and Tiny Todgers in the same post.
I want some violent todger-ito speed-balling sex tonight.
(oYo)(_(_)(oYo)(_(_)(oYo)(_(_)(oYo)(_(_)
What's funner than fun? FUNDIO!!!!!
I don't love our British tabloids all the time but I do love how they named him Keef and now the whole of Britain refers to him like this (it is a London pronounciation).
Love the Stones. Love Keef!
Tiny todger is now my new catchphrase.
That face= nightmares for life
I'm starting to really like this guy.
And this is why he's my favorite Stone!
tiny todger in deed.
"now you all have numbers, so we're going to do this alphabetically"