Beard Showdown In Palm Springs

It was Battle of the Beards '11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He's totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the "I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!" shakes. But even though Ben's beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn't have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby's breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford's face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas....

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here's a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night's festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

Splash, Bauer Griffin, Wenn.com

Posted by: Michael K

•

Submitted by Bjork You on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 10:15am.

Is Aaron Eckhart a little bit gay? There must be a little bit because he seems so pathologically straight.

I'd hit it up, down, sideways, and from behind. That is a man. The rest of you can keep your Zack Effrons and Jonas Bros. and Bieber. (Oh, and he's a great actor, and he better not get shafted for "Rabbit Hole.")

Submitted by KA on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 9:18am.

Submitted by zinnia on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:55pm.

wow...rabid much? if this is your pms, honey, see your doctor.

I will always love Jake! ALWAYS! Even if he IS gay. I stood by George Michael all those confused years, even when he started fucking himself up with the drugs and the whoring. The guy was DAMN SEXY when he was young!

Submitted by IWannaBeMonicaB... on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 8:50am.

Colin Firth: Epitome of class. *swoon*

------------------------------------------------------

I'm gonna hit you in the fuckin' face with a FULL wine bottle. CORK. AND. ALL!!!

Submitted by chaka1 on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 6:09am.

Carey Mulligan needs to change up that boring ass style of her. I can't take the boredom any more. Every time I see her, I just think, "next."

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 4:16am.

If Mary Hart wrote a book on how to look HOT forever, she would put Suzanne Somers to shame! I don't know what that trick is doing, but she has looked the same age for 5,000 years!

***************************************
Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©

Submitted by femguide on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 1:19am.

This is in my neighborhood. I shoulda gone down there. I prefer jake to ben.

** http://feministguidetohollywood.blogspot.com **

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 11:29pm.

Mary Hart is the epitome of class...I've never heard any thing bad about her...she looks great for 60 yrs old.

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 11:10pm.

Bardem has a pleasantness about him that makes me wanna hop on a plane to Barcelona and propose to the first Spaniard I meet there.

----------------------------------------------------------

Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by caprica six on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 10:45pm.

W.T.F. is Portman wearing!? No, for fking real?!? And the nazi hair...Why? WHY??!

Oh and Helen Mirren...rock on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“There is no use trying," said Alice, "one can’t believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen. "Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Submitted by A.cotw on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 10:38pm.

Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 8:53pm.
*imaginary hug* I'm sorry for your loss.

Submitted by boston61 on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 10:28pm.

Did you see Asslick giving those poor hardworking photographers the finger yesterday? I guess he is the only one who gets to make a living and support his kids. The man is a disgrace and his beard looks disgusting as well as his nose hairs.

Submitted by JapJay on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 9:52pm.

My beard can totally kick those beards' asses.

Also, some joke about me dating Sasaquatch Kardassian.

===============================================
"Joy and sorrow are life's companions."

Submitted by Kerfuffles on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 9:04pm.

Submitted by Dog
This is why I hate Hollywood. Any excuse to promote themselves. Pick a place, slap the name "film festival", and celebs will show up.

Lol, that's how things work! Every single awards show that has basically the industry rewarding people in it is just ego masturbation. But the dresses are cute, so...

Submitted by little_rascal on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 8:32pm.

Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 8:53pm.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:50pm.

Hey don't slink away! I love hockey too - and your name.

Thanks....it's the nickname my sister gave me when growing up. She committed suicide 9 weeks ago.

======================
JoJo, I'm so sorry about your sister's suicide. God bless you.

Submitted by Neurotic on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 8:28pm.

Douchebags.

All of them.

Well, most of them to be fair.

I'm tired of Natalie Portman's mug already.

Don't give a shit that she magically got pregnant during a time she was probably experiencing amenorrhoea.

Submitted by clutching-at-straws on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 7:58pm.

Submitted by Dog
This is why I hate Hollywood. Any excuse to promote themselves. Pick a place, slap the name "film festival", and celebs will show up.

Ain't that the truth. You'd think they would get tired of walking those stupid "red carpets" on their way to honor themselves again.

LOL @ the Royal Dansk cookies. I think my mom still has a couple of empty tins in her basement. At least I think they're empty :/

Submitted by thegobbler on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 7:38pm.

Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:39pm.
------------------------------------------------
Very sorry about your sister. Someone in my family committed suicide just over a year ago.
-----------------------------------------------
Earth tones and neutrals can get out of my way.
Submitted by TexnDoc on 12/05/2010

Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 7:33pm.

Submitted by iHeartHaters on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 7:34pm.

Angel, that's Jesse Eisenberg. I have a total crush on him and I'm such a dirty old fart for it.
*******************************

OMG You SO are!

I dunno, hor...little punk needs a haircut;p

♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/

Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 7:23pm.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:50pm.
Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:39pm.
So...okay, yeah, I'm a hockey dork.

I just can't get over how much Jake Gyllenhaal looks like Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings.
**********
Hey don't slink away! I love hockey too - and your name.

Thanks....it's the nickname my sister gave me when growing up. She committed suicide 9 weeks ago.

_.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._

Submitted by Albatross on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 7:18pm.

I prefer Jakey without the beard, thankyouverymuch.

**********
"God only gives you one balloonknot, be nice to it." - Raul Duke

Submitted by thegobbler on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 6:39pm.

Martha Plimpton's chichi area looks very young and fresh compared to her face. Usually it's the other way around-ppl get facials/peels etc, but neglect the sun-damaged chest area. Jussayin.
------------------------------------------------
Earth tones and neutrals can get out of my way.
Submitted by TexnDoc on 12/05/2010

Submitted by iHeartHaters on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 6:04pm.

Angel, that's Jesse Eisenberg. I have a total crush on him and I'm such a dirty old fart for it.

~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t56s4dZ1_rs

Submitted by iHeartHaters on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 6:03pm.

I <3 Rita Rudner. LMFAO@royal dansk. Those things are at Aldi for $1.59 a tin LOL

~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t56s4dZ1_rs

Submitted by justincase on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 5:42pm.

Laughing at Royal Dansk cookies reference (comedy gold indeed). Danish cookies are the worst last resort but I still get sucked in by the pretty tins.

Submitted by soulks on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 5:40pm.

liking the beards, (on my mr soulks too)
clean cut is scary now LoL

c\#_@/c

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 5:23pm.

Holy bagette, Batman! Aaron's pants a tad snug in the peenal region.

************
However, she did confess she regretted being in porn movie The Great British Granny Bang, but shrugged: "We all make mistakes"

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 5:20pm.

Who's the Mr Bean type next to Mark Wahlberg?
ETA: I mean next to Aaron Eckhardt (?sp) Aaaarooon...*slurp*
************
However, she did confess she regretted being in porn movie The Great British Granny Bang, but shrugged: "We all make mistakes"

Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 5:13pm.

I just saw Jakey in that "Brothers" movie. Totally replaceable. So was Carey. Actually they could have replaced everybody but the kids in that movie. THEY were good! I started to watch some action piece of shit that Ben was in and he reminded me why I don't hate Bruce Willis. And then I turned it off. O man, WHAT is that spy movie Helen's in? Not an awesome flick but the performances were solid enuff to carry it, I'd say, and I LOVED her in it. Really well played.

Is that the Social Network guy? I kept thinking he was Michael Cera. I love Rita but what the fuck does she do these days besides sit around and be fabulously wealthy (and I mean that in the warmest way)? Mary Hart scares me cuz she gave some lady seizures. Dorian Gray - Colin Firth was forgettable. Cuz I forgot all about him and he's pretty integral. I could not hate another "actress" more than I hate Brenda Song, pretty sure. Javier's cute! And apparently I don't watch his movies...the name's kinda familiar tho...

Wow, there's a lot of fucking people up there.

♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/

Submitted by Daniee on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 5:02pm.

Ben has nicer hair.
Anyway, Natalie Knocked Up needs an shot of iron quick.....and a good dump by the looks of her.

Submitted by CoconutCoochie on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:31pm.

Submitted by Fucking_Classy
With a few exceptions here and there, what an untalented bunch. Most of them are, at best, painfully mediocre, and yet lauded as most talented thespians. Hollywood is such a fucking joke.

While I agree the height of Hollywood is long gone, if it was so easy to act in movies, then we'd all be actors and make tons of money.
Truth is, I couldn't act, even in Young and Restless.

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:23pm.

And the sooner Ben Afflict crawls back under his rock, the happier I'll be. I've hated him since "Chasing Amy". Attention Hollywood: HE HAS NO TALENT.

_________________________
Oh, I
Could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:20pm.

Martha "Irrelevance" Plimpton?? She's like the Chloe Sevigny of the previous century. (I am counting on The Sev conveniently disappearing, and soon.)

All of these people are a huge yawn at best.

_________________________
Oh, I
Could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore

Submitted by dlaugher on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:18pm.

Jake, FTW.
No comment on the pillar of hair on Andrew Garfield's head?

Submitted by guest on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:01pm.

royal dansk cookies seem like they can break your teefs...

"not so fast tom ryan..."

Submitted by Kerfuffles on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:38pm.

Okay, looked at the pics. Was it a Social Network reunion or something? I swear, even the extra who played the janitor is probably there somewhere.

Submitted by Kerfuffles on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:36pm.

That is a shockingly ugly dress Natalie Portman is wearing. And I still want to slap the face out of Carey Mulligan's face.

Submitted by Snarf on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:34pm.

I thought from the title of the post Selema Gomez, Taylor Swift and Vanessa Hudgens got into a catfight. Disapointment abounds :(

FYI - Somebody get Andrew Garfield a hamburger.

**********
Shiitake happens...

Submitted by Fraggle on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:28pm.

I think Affleck looks yummy with a beard (and I think he's a douche lol) but jake looks awful with one and he doesn't clean it up enough. Plus, Jake has such a pretty face it's almost sinful to cover it up in man face-fur.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:20pm.

Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:39pm.
So...okay, yeah, I'm a hockey dork.

I just can't get over how much Jake Gyllenhaal looks like Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings.
**********
Hey don't slink away! I love hockey too - and your name.

************
However, she did confess she regretted being in porn movie The Great British Granny Bang, but shrugged: "We all make mistakes"

Submitted by joe shmoe on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:19pm.

Anyone seen 'The King's Speech' with Colin & Jeffrey Rush..? I watched 'Salt' last night. Don't judge! It wasn't me who rented it. Hehe, I sat through it thinking how roasted I'd get on DL if I admitted watching it.

************
However, she did confess she regretted being in porn movie The Great British Granny Bang, but shrugged: "We all make mistakes"

Submitted by JoJo on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:09pm.

So...okay, yeah, I'm a hockey dork.

I just can't get over how much Jake Gyllenhaal looks like Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings.

*hides face in shame and slinks off to the corner*

_.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._.•´¯`•._

Submitted by Madam Pince on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:09pm.

aaron eckhart, mmmmm.

******************************************

"Sometimes the dick is so good you want to put their name on your checking account."

Submitted by stake_spike on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:03pm.

Submitted by zinnia on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:55pm

Agreed on eveything you said. Except maybe Colin Firth... but he's so British, I don't know how good it'd be.

Submitted by stake_spike on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 2:50pm.

Royal Dansk cookies, ahaha. My gradmother (she was spanish so abuelita) had some on her table that she never touched. And my brother and I didn't touch them because they didn't have chocolate or tons of sugar so what was the point. I swear I think they sat there from the time I was born (probably even before then) to when she died (when I was 18), never touched.

Submitted by Dog on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 2:49pm.

This is why I hate Hollywood. Any excuse to promote themselves. Pick a place, slap the name "film festival", and celebs will show up.

The Fresh Kills Landfill Film Festival and Celebrity Meet and Greet. More garbage per square inch than you can handle!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grow your own dope: plant a man.

Submitted by putsomestankonit on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 2:49pm.

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 4:14pm.

Thanks

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 2:44pm.

Submitted by putsomestankonit on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 3:42pm.
I thought Amy Adams had a case of the babies.

She gave birth to a girl in May 2010. I just saw "Leap Year" (fun but sappy) and she looked slightly preggers in that.