Leave It To Charlie....

All those "Charlie Sheen Goes to Rehab" headlines are wrong, because the motherfucker isn't going anywhere to try to brush off his thirst for crack, the sweet nectar and other fun stuff. Charlie doesn't go to rehab, rehab goes to Charlie! TMZ reports that Charlie doesn't want nosy hos leaking (the first time in history he's ever been opposed to a leaky ho) all the details of his rehab stay, so CBS and Warner Bros. found him addiction expert that will live in his mansion and help him to get clean.

Well, I guess it might be distracting for other patients when Charlie Sheen's critiquing porn in his room at 3am and loudly complaining that the cream in the cream pie doesn't look authentic, so he's just being conscientious.

TMZ also says that Charlie's at-home rehab treatment will take 3 long months, which means Two and a Half Men will be dark for that long, which means that the crew will have to look elsewhere for a check.

But fear not for those crew members! Now that Charlie is doing the rehab equivalent of the DIY gastric bypass kit, they just have to temporarily get jobs as porn stars, hookers, hernia masseuses or drug dealers if they don't want their income affected. I mean, they already know Charlie and CBS knows their direct deposit information, so the job transfer should go smoothly.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:07pm.

We're TURDS!

Submitted by Inigo Jones on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:07pm.

Three months without the fresh, sparkling wit of Two and a Half Men?? Now I'm going through withdrawal.

Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:06pm.

I thought the point of him doing rehab at home was so he COULD film TAAHM?

Submitted by Rem Koolhaas on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:04pm.

Oh yeah, like this is going to work.

(Throws another bag of popcorn in the microwave.)

Submitted by Albatross on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:04pm.

Yeah, this'll turn out well.

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"God only gives you one balloonknot, be nice to it." - Raul Duke

Submitted by howdareyou on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:00pm.

I read an article about how many hundreds of millions of bucks this show already makes in syndication, and about how they're hoping to get a complete package with the current and next season (or something like that) that will really make the production company/CBS tons of cash.

So Charlie probably has CBS and whomever over a barrel. He said fuck no to rehab, probably told them he'd just cancel his contract, and they backed up. I bet they resume filming in 3 weeks.
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"In the early 1900's with old-timey methods, farmers was losin' 30% of their crops to insects and disease. Now with your modern herbicides, pesticides, insecticides, what have you, they're losin' 30%. Just facts and figgers." - The Accountant

Submitted by little_rascal on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:59pm.

Three month rehab inside his own home? It has to be a joke! His hired hookers are going to sneak in drugs anyway.

Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:59pm.

As much as I know that Kacey chick has no credibility and is probably lying about many things I kind of believe that Charlie said the blurb about how all the porn stars could babysit his kids. People say crazy things when coked out...

Submitted by mike on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:58pm.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, because honestly I feel that Charlie's biggest addictions (much like Lindsay Lohan's) are "having a good time" and irresponsibility (or thinking only of one's self).

I doubt he has a true physical addiction to drugs or alcohol.

Submitted by mbar on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:56pm.

I was talking to my mom today and she was like, "What happened to Charlie Sheen?!" And I was like, "He's a crackhead. I dont get how he makes $2 million/episode. Who even watches that show?" And she was like, "I do! I love it!" So there we have it, folks. 60 year old ladies are the ones watching his show.

Submitted by joanne on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:54pm.

So its only going to take 3 months to shine Sheens shit so he could go back to work and make to much money.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:48pm.

Wasn't this douche nozzle playing "sponsor" to a lingerie model with addiction problems not too long ago? This seems to be the high school quarterback given passing grades even though he didn't do any homework and failed tests only on a much grander scale. The network is going to enable him to death.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:47pm.

Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 6:14pm.
Where's Mrs. Patrick Campbell to weigh in on this ??
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Mrs Pat did pop by the other day to announce that she doesn't like Carlos, because he's 100% heterosexual.

There's only one or two other heteros in Hollywood apparently, so he's part of an exclusive circle ;)

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Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:47pm.

He wants to rehab at home cuz he know's where all his hidey holes are of stashed coke and booze.

A good addict always keeps at least a couple hidden stashes, just in case.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:46pm.

If this asshole has 30k to give to a Porn Star for a weekend, then he should pay his entire crew for the time he is absent. They have families to house and feed. It is not their fault they are on "hiatus".

If I were a crew member, I'd sue his ass.

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There must be some misunderstanding
There must be some kind of mistake
I was waiting in the rain for hours
You were late
-Genesis (not the Bible)

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:46pm.

This fuckface is just angling for another enabling fuckface to manipulate.

Maturity fail, Carlos.

Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:45pm.

An absolute joke...schools need to teach anti-enabling classes along with anti-drug classes. If this crackhead is dictating terms to this extent he hasn't admitted that he's powerless over his addictions so why fucking bother playing along with the bullshit.

Submitted by sinjin on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:44pm.

DIY Gastric Bypass Kit? That link just circles back to this page. Quit messing with my head, I was curious/naive, MK.
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***"Charlie should host a show called "How Clean Is Your Ho?" --MK***

Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:44pm.

Where's Mrs. Patrick Campbell to weigh in on this ??

Submitted by Sams Mom on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:44pm.

Does his "addiction expert" have triple D bolt-ons and conducts therapy sessions in the nude?

Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:43pm.

If he's going to put everyone out of work he could at least pretend to go to a real rehab. I had assumed CBS did this so they could tape their crap show...

Submitted by Hotmami on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:42pm.

Ugh. I'm tired of hearing about his drug issues.

He makes LL look like a fucking saint.

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"JUST PUT IT IN GODDAMMIT!!!"

-Me, according to Jack

Submitted by libby on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:42pm.

So do just the major stars still get paid, or does insurance pay lost work hours? Charlie's not going to have very many friends on that set when/if he ever comes back.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:41pm.

whatever. he doesn't have a problem, we are all just a bunch of turds!

***********************************************
There must be some misunderstanding
There must be some kind of mistake
I was waiting in the rain for hours
You were late
-Genesis (not the Bible)