"I Do Not Lie, Cheat, Or Steal"

And no, that declaration was not followed by: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Noted snatcher and delusion's greatest promoter, Lindsay Lohan, looked all of us in the Twitter eye last night and gave us some for real bullshit written with White Oprah's wet apple Schnapps breath. This is always my favorite part of every episode of Cops. You know, when the officer finds a bag of the bad shit in some crackhead's purse and they say some shit like, "That's not mine! I'm sober! I don't even drink caffeine! Where's that dragon? Why are my veins crying?" That's why I love this work of comedy that LiLo pushed out last night:

Was on the phone with my sister&this movie Greenberg is on, i heard my voice which was odd- and ryhs ifans is watching Just My Luck in the movie- made me laugh.. i just want to be on set again, and left alone to just work! fyi- i would never steal, in case people are wondering. I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal... also, what i wear to court shouldnt be front page news. it's just absurd. god bless xox L

If LiLo was raised by a pack of junkie wolves, I might believe her. But look at who raised her. White Oprah worships all three of those things. The bitch LIED about being a Rockette, she CHEATED two girls out of their childhoods and she STOLE from fucking Cookie Puss. And no, I don't think people were wondering if she stole that shit. They already know she did.

But LiLo needs to keep the LOLs coming. A few minutes before the one above, she Tweeted this on Twitter (Twitter being the key everything here):

Hello Facebook. Yes, this is actually Lindsay. Welcome to my Facebook page!

Saying "Welcome to my Facebook page" on Twitter is the new "Welcome to my home!"

Posted by: Michael K

•

Lindsay Lohan • Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Sat, 02/12/2011 - 4:51am.

ONE MORE THING: Is that a dress made out of paper towel? Good god, what an ugly pattern.

†
"The mournful sound of a bell, people in prayer.
My body abandoned in the solitude of the wood, imprisoned by the rags, compelled to suffer from the frosty contact with the ground." -Opera IX (Born in the Grave)

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Sat, 02/12/2011 - 4:31am.

Oh, and congratulations, Raul for the grandson. It's a cute baby and you seem very youthful for a grandfather. (It's a good thing!)

On Topic: I have nothing.

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Sat, 02/12/2011 - 4:36am.

Submitted by ba-butthole on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 10:14am.

Cool story bro.

Trying to be polite but... in about a week you've been here, the only thing I've learned about you is that you fancy women who look like Magda from There's Something About Mary whose nonbiodegradable parts-to-IQ ratio is about 200 to nothing and those with an ounce of dignity or a working brain cell aren't worth a damn to you because you're just sooo straight and stuff.

You try way too hard to prove how "heterosexual" you are that you actually read like someone with serious mommy issues. Congratulations. You probably couldn't identify a pre-op tranny from an actual woman, judging by the freaky butterfaces you salivate over.

Out of all of the men here who post about hot chicks, you manage to appear desperate and arrogant at the same time while just about everyone else is funny and NOT completely creepy. Bravo!

Submitted by iHeartHaters on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 10:46pm.

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:23pm.
PSL - pathological liars don't even know they are lying. They believe their own stories. Even when presented with visable proof of their lie, they will deny, deny, deny and try to continue to convince you that YOU are wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^Fucking WORD^^^^^

~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t56s4dZ1_rs

WIGS EYES DO SHOW WHEN HER SLOT TALKS OR SOCK STOPS!! OKAY WOW!!

Submitted by blueangel on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 9:19pm.

Yeah, she's a saint. In her world a lie is the truth, stealing is borrowing, and its ok to try to cheat the system if you can save yourself. She belongs in jail.

Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 7:57pm.

Submitted by Noir Easter on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 7:22pm.
Eff this slore! Raul has this to share his favorite horz! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFgWkCXpljM
_______________________________
What a cutie - congrats Raul!
_______________________________
"Everytime I lower the bar of expectations, you limbo right under it".

Submitted by Stan Dup on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 7:22pm.

Submitted by Noir Easter on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 7:18pm.

Eff this slore! Raul has this to share his favorite horz!

Awww...that's the best thing I've seen all day...Congrats to Raul and family!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Insecure bastards drive SUV's:
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread313152/pg1

Submitted by Noir Easter on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 7:22pm.

Eff this slore! Raul has this to share his favorite horz! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFgWkCXpljM
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Quite an adorable lil sweetums. Seriously.
Congrats to the entire family.

I came in this post to rail, rip and rage on Lindsay, guffaw in her face, ... but that baby calmed me, chilled me out. Unpissed me.
So, I'll be back later when I can get pissed again.

Submitted by Raul Duke on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 7:10pm.

Thanks once again for your kind words horz. ************************************************************************************************ Profanity is a crutch used by ignorant motherfuckers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSNREtboX3s

Submitted by Albatross on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 6:02pm.

Raul, OMG, the babeeeeeeeeee! I had to wait to get home to see the vid; he's so cute! Just looking around, like, Hey what's goin' on?

**********
"When people ask me what I am, I just tell them I'm 100% cunt slut." - MK, 2/8/11

Submitted by quickkill on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 5:44pm.

Dumb ass junkie..Dumb as Charlie Sheen..Dumb asses..

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 5:30pm.

Raul, I know I'm very late to the party on this, but that is a seriously cute grandbaby. Congrats!

Submitted by Whatever on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 5:03pm.

Typical drug addict. Nothing is ever their fault. Everyone is out to frame them.

Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 4:22pm.

I have one in my life that I have to constantly deal with.

It's never her fault.

Ever.
_______________________________
Truer words were never spoken. The real damage they inflict is making everyone else around them think that they're crazy. I'm not an Oprah fan, but she once used the expression "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?", to demonstrate the defense of the patholigical liar. Describes them perfectly.
_______________________________
"Everytime I lower the bar of expectations, you limbo right under it".

Submitted by kokoskitten on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 3:50pm.

Whoever called her Norma Desmond the other day was spot on. She is completely delusional and the quote about "the dress shouldn't be front page news" confirms it. I bet she has a scary shrine room in her house with the walls plastered in circa 2003 and 2004 pictures and articles about her. Lots of Mean Girls posters and reviews...she really is still basking in her 2004 celebrity and choosing to forget its been ALL downhill since then.

Submitted by MaxThrax on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 3:26pm.

Part of me thinks she's either let this happen or made it happen because now she's the center of attention again. Her career is finished, she's no Robert Downey Jr, and this might be the only way she know how to grab the limelight again. I really do think she's that fucked in the head.

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 3:05pm.

Congrats, Peepaw Raul! That baybee is adorable! I would definitely steal him, for a short visit to smell his head and nibble his cheeks.

Keith Richards said grandchildren are the best, because you get to give them back!

As for Kleptohan, GAS CHAMBER! SUCK it, Linds!

***************************
"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997

Submitted by kokoskitten on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 2:37pm.

The grossest of all (sorry if someone mentioned this before) is that elegant dress has sold out everywhere and is back ordered and people are on waiting lists for it...

Submitted by Naughychimp on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 2:22pm.

Rauuuuul - High fives to you on the occasion of the birth of this gorgeous ball of screaming ball.

As for Lilo - her chipped nails make me feel queasy. Why get a manicure if you're going to go 'round with it looking elegant for 24 hours and grossly flaking for 3 weeks?

Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 1:54pm.

I just had a delicious and disturbing fantasy about deflating Lindsay's lips with a toothpick or other sharp object. Anyone ever cut open one of those Stretch Armstrong things?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Stretch_Armstrong_toy.jpg

That's what I imagine her lips are made of.

Submitted by Stan Dup on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 1:49pm.

How many black kids have to suffer false accusations before you realize that you're a lying sack of tits.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Insecure bastards drive SUV's:
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread313152/pg1

Submitted by oldpossum on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 1:47pm.

CRACKWHORE,PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Here's hoping you get shanked in jail/prison!

Submitted by Stan Dup on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 1:46pm.

A little ironic...dontcha think...maybe a little TOO ironic as really this is lie #41258798526...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Insecure bastards drive SUV's:
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread313152/pg1

Submitted by toni on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 1:24pm.

What a bunch of white trash losers the Lohans are. I wonder how many felons are at their family reunions?

Submitted by Suzy Farkis on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 1:13pm.

Ha, right Lindsay, it's ABSURD that you would be on the front page because of your dress. You wore that dress and those heels, and got your lips freshly inflated because you appreciate that this is a solemn, deeply personal event. And that's why you make eyeball fellatio to the camera.

Totally hopeless.

Submitted by babybunny on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:56pm.

I know Hohan, everyone is being so gosh darned mean to you....you parents are born liars, cheater and stealers...and terrible horrible parents...but you really are just following in there footsteps. Stealing, lying and cheating is really all you know byatch, so who the hell are you trying to fool??? Bitch, please jail would do you good...knock some of that delusion off your ego....and take you down a notch or 5000...oh, and another tip, if you are trying to convey innocence don't come to court dressed like a hooker. Just sayin'!

Submitted by stank on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:56pm.

WHY OH WHY DO WOMEN DO THAT SHIT TO THEIR LIPS????? It doesn't look natural. It ISN'T flattering. It deforms their faces.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:45pm.

Crackhead, please.

*******************************************************************

"I'm like a tree, I feed the branches of the people." - Kanye West

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:35pm.

Her nose looks different again. Come on, awfulplasticsurgery--try to keep up!

_________________________
"Oh, no, brotha, ah can't dance wit chu!"

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:35pm.

What I find troubling is that she is looking more and more like her mother.

Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:31pm.

Submitted by get serious on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:29pm.

your mom has lied about being a rockette & tried to defraud Fudgie the Whale.

****

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!

**************************************
Oh and fuckay vous. - Ophelias evil twin

Submitted by get serious on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:31pm.

"fyi- i would never steal, in case people are wondering. I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal..." - Who are you trying to bullshit here? Your father spent time in prison for stealing & embezzlement; your mom has lied about being a rockette & tried to defraud Fudgie the Whale. You've lied at least 3x in this case alone. Grow up, BLOWhan; enough of the delusional rambling.

"also, what i wear to court shouldnt be front page news. it's just absurd." - It's news because the way you dress either shows respect to the court or doesn't. Only a dumbass would dress in a manner that isn't respectful to the judge & the court. Dressing like a member of the local "Whores r' us" chapter is news because it shows you still haven't grasped how serious your situation is, and it shows how disrespectful you are.

Btw - next time you're in court, you may want to keep the smirking to a minimum. The judge sees those things, as well as the DA...

----------------------------------------
"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." - Brit's Tits

Submitted by stinkweed on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:28pm.

There is actually a thing on facebook that allows it to put all your posts into your twitter account. She probably did post that on Facebook originally.

Submitted by norma_desmond on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:26pm.

her "bragging rights" are now that she is in a movie within a movie and didn't know it until she saw it? (Greenberg is a terrible movie, take my advice and skip it!) I'm sure the Greenburg people paid for her millisecond in the movie within the movie

Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:23pm.

PSL - pathological liars don't even know they are lying. They believe their own stories. Even when presented with visable proof of their lie, they will deny, deny, deny and try to continue to convince you that YOU are wrong.

I have one in my life that I have to constantly deal with.

It's never her fault.

Ever.

Submitted by Somuchbetterthanyou on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:14pm.

Lying about be a liar. Klassy. It's like she obviously wants us to see her, but doesn't think we actually can...?

They might as well go on and laminate her "Get Out of Jail Free" card now. Stop insulting our senses and intelligence with these pretend court hearings, and wasting our time with "This time is serious, Ms Lohan..." and "I will not be swayed by your celebrity..." speeches.

I personally wouldn't mind not seeing/hearing from or about her again until they say she's showing up on time and putting in a day's hard work on a movie set or that they've found her unresponsive somewhere...whichever.

Submitted by mitchyul on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:12pm.

Pathetic

Submitted by kokoskitten on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:58am.

I can just see the cracked out hamster wheel in her brain slowly spinning as she types this...yeah just type that you never steal Lindsay but leave out cheat and lie, yes all bases covered.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:54am.

When I read this quote yesterday, my jaw dropped. I cannot get over this girl. I would swear she was my uncle's child. He lives in the same delusional world.

***********************************************
"In case people are wondering, I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal."
-Lindsay Lohan

Submitted by joanne on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:51am.

The Lohans mediahoing is absurb. If they are going to shove themselves in my face I want to see it all. STFU and no one will care what you wear.

Submitted by daisy100 on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:49am.

she looks like a little princess little rascal!

Submitted by Norwaygirl on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:47am.

"I would not steal" is future, so this only means she has no intention of stealing in the future. Hence, no lies here.

"I was not raised to steal". No, you were not (of course she was, but never mind), but do you live by these rules set by your parents?
No lies here either.

"I do not steal". No, she does not steal right now, as she types. No lies here.

What she has not said is these words: I didn't steal that neclace.

Lying is something we try to avoid, and by saying those words, "I didn't steal", she will be lying.

Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:43am.

Hoffy- I'd smell Kevin's balls but Lindsay's rotting meat curtains are covering the deliciousness. She looks like she smells like pee and used tampons.

**************************************
Oh and fuckay vous. - Ophelias evil twin