Drunk Twatting The Oscars!
That Oscar statue is not doing a good job of hiding the intense jealousy and contempt he feels towards Valentino. Oscar spends several painful minutes getting dipped in piping hot liquid gold and Valentino's pores just naturally secrete precious metals on their own. Stay jealous, OSCAR! So, it is that time of year when we all spend the next 3 hours (give or take, 100 hours) watching beaded and diamond-encrusted hos read from a teleprompter and thank whoever for making this LIFE CHANGING MOMENT happen...blah..blah.
You know, next year, they should all get in their fancy clothes, sit in their fancy seats and then watch a giant screen in front of them that shows us getting WASTED while watching them. We'd all have a better time, I'm sure. Speaking of slurring like the king before Best Actor is announced, I was going to come up with a drinking game for tonight but let's be real... The true drinking game is boozing until your liquor cabinet yells CUT or until the bartender puts a cup of Sanka in front of you.
For the next 56 million hours, I'll be live Twatting this bitch. You can follow me over there or on the little widget thing below. Or you can do neither and go to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts to watch the homeless drunks fall asleep in their booths (take me with you). If you do the latter, make sure you kick at me at the end of the night to make sure I haven't overdosed on Natalie Portman's laugh or James Franco's artistry.
If I survive tonight, there will be a complete rundown tomorrow. We're off!