GOOP: The Magazine

If you ask me, there's only room in the world for one ice cold blonde cooking mogul who can't even boil an egg unless she's got a team of chefs nearby to help her (that one's for you, Sandra Lee). Fishsticks Paltrow disagrees with me and the rumor is she's about terrorize the magazine world the same way she slimed across country music. Fishy is James Franco-ing her way through life by trying to conquer every single medium from TV to movies to the Internet to music to print! The New York Post has heard that the halls of Hearst Publishing are filled with fake British accent whispers, which could only mean one thing: GOOPY IS JOINING THEIR FAMILY!

A source at Hearst claims that Fishy is in super secret talks with them about publishing her own food magazine. A rep for Hearst denies the rumor, but the source says that it is something they're talking about. Shit could get TOO REAL next month if Fishy's cookbook "My Father's Daughter" becomes a bestseller. This could prove to Hearst that Fishy's food magazine will sell.

Knowing Fishy, it will also be more than just food. Next to an article on 101 ways to prepare bottled water, she'll list the top 10 pair of cashmere socks that won't ruin in the washing machine if your weekend laundress accidentally throws them in there. It will be the perfect magazine for bitches who want to know what it feels like to be born into a millionaire family, marry a millionaire and become a millionaire yourself. I would say that it will also be the perfect magazine to pick up dog shit with, but Fishy will probably price it in pounds so none of us will be able to afford it.

If GOOP: The Magazine doesn't work for Fishy, she can always name it Better Than YOUR Homes and Gardens.

Posted by: Michael K

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Gwyneth Paltrow • Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Submitted by MrPossumsMama on Thu, 03/31/2011 - 6:18pm.

I didn't know Hearst had a vanity press division.

Submitted by Goldigga on Thu, 03/31/2011 - 4:51am.

Oh my, that is so fucking pretentious. I wish my clutter was as artfully arranged like that. Where are the toddler turds and puddles of urine? Oh thats right, my house. I have a sneaky little son who knows if he doesnt shit his pants, he'll be rewarded. So naturally, he fucking hides somewhere and does it :(

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As Karen Walker used to say "put your legs in the air and think of handbags, bitch" - SpiceDong

Submitted by kndall44 on Thu, 03/31/2011 - 1:28am.

Ditto re. Chris-ditched-her-years-ago.

This idiocy confirms it.

Submitted by stake_spike on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 10:49pm.

Something in the milk ain't clean. Print is already having a hard as fuck time staying alive. They are cutting mags left and right and cutting staff trying to cut as many corners as possible while still maintaining a profit. Yet Hearst is giving this dumb bitch her own magazine? Yeah me smells fraud of some kind. Maybe they lost a bet, maybe they're taking out a policy on this shit, hell maybe they just love to lose money, there can be no other explanation for why she's getting her own mag.

I hope her book crashes and burns. But then again Snooki became a NY Times best seller right? Fuck, now this bitch is going to think she's fucking Oprah.

Submitted by fishsticksfan on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 9:31pm.

WhiskeyTango's picture
Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 9:11pm.

Exactly who do the numbnuts over at Hearst think is going buy this magazine? remember when Gourmet went out of business, geniuses....

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Lots of people. I know a married couple that the wife forced her husband to follow Goop's detox diet and his friends gave him SO much shit.

Submitted by loopygorilla on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 9:30pm.

As if this bitch cooks.

This is gwyneth's version of cooking.

"Mai Ling can you call chef, and ask what he is cooking for dinner?

"OMG that is not micro-biotic!"

FYI what the fuck is micro-biotic?

do they cut the food in micro sizes?

I remember when Madonna was on Dave Letterman's show last year and he made her have Pizza from the pizza shop down the road from the studios.

OMG the BITCH ALMOST fucking died.

She held on the slice like it was poisonous and was making "sucking big dick" gagging faces (which isnt hard for that cock gobling hag), then she took the smallest bite from it and was like mmm mmm.

Whatever Louise Ciccone, you fucking dumb cunt, 1,000 years ago you were sucking Moses's dick before he parted the red sea, for a can of coke and slice of pizza.

These days you are too good for us Normal People food.

Submitted by bookworm on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 9:24pm.

I absolutely hated Gwynnie back in the day (Brad Spitt era). She was so uppity and pretentious. I don't hate her as much now. Although I still think she is an uppity, fugly arsed bore, from Hollyweird hell.

Must be nice to be born into wealth and privilege.

Submitted by hotpocket on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 8:07pm.

I feel kinda bad for hating on someone I've never met, but I can't stand this snotty cunt. The only man she could get to pose with her is Buzz Lightyear, and even he looks like he's ready to bolt.

I would strangle her with a stalk of organic chard, fresh from the garden and have a nice glass of Pinot Gris afterward.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 7:41pm.

Exactly who do the numbnuts over at Hearst think is going buy this magazine? remember when Gourmet went out of business, geniuses....

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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl

Submitted by sweetstickyriceball on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 6:38pm.

are you...FUCKING kidding me?!

Submitted by Inigo Jones on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 6:27pm.

The kitchen tableau is missing one thing to make it complete: her Shakespeare Oscar.

Submitted by Wanted on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 6:18pm.

Honestly, I would read it. Us poor people can rip out the pages and tape them to the peeling apartment wall over the hot plate and say, "Oh, this is my new kitchen! Tres vogue, nes pas?"

Submitted by LisaH on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 6:12pm.

pluuueeeze....magazine publishing industry is struggling, and credible food magazines such as Gourmet were shut down...do you really think they are going to give a this actress a magazine? LOL.

Submitted by clutching-at-straws on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 5:24pm.

she can always name it Better Than YOUR Homes and Gardens.

LMAO! Zing!

God, if that picture doesn't scream Pretentious Bitch. I think the guitar on the freakin' kitchen counter is my favorite bit - we're supposed to be reminded that seconds ago she was singing and strumming away and now look! She's whipping up an organic meal!

Submitted by Hotmami on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 5:16pm.

I want to stab her in the froat.

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I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, I felt something die,
Cause I knew that
That was the last time,
The last time
-Adele

Submitted by loopygorilla on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 5:14pm.

god that bitch is annoying but that print maxi dress is hot!

i wanna be a girl so i can wear it.

Submitted by Peppy Deerfield on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 4:40pm.

I kind of liked her, but she is starting to remind me of Demi Moore about 10 years ago, when she was bragging in interviews that she had it all and that women could do it. Then came the reviews of the extensive staff that she had working for her, a string of flop movies, the divorce, and then she disappeared for about 5 years.

Submitted by Possum on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 4:32pm.

UGH. Fake-ass whiny ho.

http://girlunemployed.blogspot.com

Submitted by She Stinks on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 4:17pm.

And I thought I was the only one who hated this boring cunt.

Submitted by I heart Natalie on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:51pm.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:37pm.

Submitted by Callan on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 5:04pm.
I hope Buzz Lightyear stabs her in the face.
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Oh yes please!

Submitted by Callan on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:38pm.

Ugh I agree with the others who said that picture is obviously staged. All those toys artfully scattered so Gwyneth can come across as a loveable, down to earth mom. If those toys just happened to be lying there, then wouldn't the rest of the kitchen be a mess? Stains on the counter? Dirt on the floor? And don't even get me started on why there is a guitar in her kitchen. Like Chris Martin just finished serenading her with a perfect love song while Gwyneth made a perfect macrobiotic meal for her perfect family.

I hope Buzz Lightyear stabs her in the face.

Submitted by Scott in NYC on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:27pm.

This woman is lifeless and soul-less. Does anyone really care what she does? How is she even a celebrity? She hasn't conquered anything in show business....she lucked into an Oscar and has proven her show biz worth ever since by doing absolutely nothing of note.

Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:12pm.

Submitted by johnnysgirl: "..I think there is also a brand of "organizational porn" for people who have crazy messy lives and love to look at pictures of sleek, organized tranquility. Like, say, "Real Simple" magazine. "

THAT IS ME.

For real. My most frequent fantasy is that our apartment gets robbed of every stick of broken scuffed furniture and clutter that I am too neurotic to throw away and all our clothes are gone and the only thing left are the passports and photos and birth certificates. Oh and the paintings.

Then I'd have to start from scratch. And it would all be simple and sleek and functional. Our wardrobes would be simple mix and match stuff that you could turn 6 pieces into 40 outfits.

That is my dream....

Submitted by babybunny on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:11pm.

fake ass bitch doing fake ass shit...give it a damn rest goopy..you are not that interesting..and your ass is duller than dirt!!

Submitted by becky n sydney on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 3:01pm.

That pic is so staged - Fishsticks would never allow toys on her pristine marble floor that had just been licked clean by a dozen Libyan refugees.
(Goop tip - always use fresh refugees straight off the boat for best results.)

Submitted by Happy Hour on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:29pm.

LOL@ the empty bowl. I guess today's main dish is air.

Submitted by Dsmoke on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:14pm.

This article is sooo hilarious and all the comments are so funny! Specially love "bitch is so anal retentive that she's going to implode"! And I always cook with a big-ass floral arrangement in the way of where I prepare my food. The bugs from the flowers add that nice organic flavor when they fly into the food.

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:38pm.

Dear Goop Magazine:

I need advice! My husband only makes $10 an hour, and I have a food budget each week of about $50. Can you give me a recipe using ground beef, Cheez-Whiz, Funyuns, and Pepsi? I have to feed 12.

Thanx!
ImpertinentVixen
Trailer Park
White Trash City

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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:35pm.

Submitted by madam s. on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:12pm.
Oh my GOD, the meticulously placed precious shit all around her is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Absolutely fakey-fake fakeness from fake-town. The minute the picture came up I went: a stylist staged that!

I also have the feeling all of her food will have lemon-flavored flax seed oil in it. Because we all need a good shit every day, and Goopy wants to help us plebians with that.

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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997

Submitted by snippy on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:34pm.

Usually I just ignore things that don't interest me, but I'm so tired of Fishy pretending to be superior at everything, that I seriously hope this magazine FAILS! Fail, fail fail!!! If only to slow down her efforts to dominate the world with her goop.

Submitted by LaChaylo on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:22pm.

This is going to be some expensive ass organic toilet paper, but I'm sure it'll be high quality for bum cleaning.

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:19pm.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:34pm.

Haha, ever see Dead Like Me...
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HAHA!

I have to admit, I get seriously chuffed with myself when I organize stuff. I always feel like I have accomplished something grand *snort*

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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. - Dorothy Parker

Submitted by Santa Ana Winds on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:06pm.

What in Mrs Roper hell is she wearing?

Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:05pm.

I *hate* myself for it, but I think she looks cute in that dress.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:04pm.

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:28pm.
Well said. I think there is also a brand of "organizational porn" for people who have crazy messy lives and love to look at pictures of sleek, organized tranquility. Like, say, "Real Simple" magazine.

Haha, ever see Dead Like Me? There was one ep where she stayed with her anal retentive, totally organized boss who had a website called "Delores Gets Things Done" with a webcam of her place running 24/7. Guys would send msgs about what they were doing and one guy sounded all creepy with, "Ya, sweep that floor. Sweep it good. Get it done!" or something like that.

Submitted by Supreme Soviet on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:00pm.

Meh. This bitch is so anal retentive, she's going to implode.

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Familiarity breeds attempt- Jayne Mansfield

D-Listed:Cheap Thrills for Cheap People- Supreme Soviet

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:58pm.

Submitted by friendlyskies on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 1:54pm.

Well said. I think there is also a brand of "organizational porn" for people who have crazy messy lives and love to look at pictures of sleek, organized tranquility. Like, say, "Real Simple" magazine.

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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. - Dorothy Parker

Submitted by fishsticksfan on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:56pm.

Submitted by derf on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:17pm.
I think her husband left her two years ago and she's trying to distract us.
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I agree but instead she's just drawing attention to it. She needs to dumb his ass and reel in a young hot Spanish model to escort her around the world. That would be a WIN.

Submitted by Sexy Pants on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:54pm.

submitted by M.E.
You know, Fishy prepares her meals all natural and shit, so, unless she grabs every item and ingredient she needs BEFORE she starts mixing/seasoning or cooking, all that shit all over the place? She'd trip.
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poor woman, it's absolute HELL to get all those freshly-farmed and garden-grown items catered in ALL AT THE SAME TIME and be expected to prepare meals from them too!
How dare those assholes at Vogue place those peasant items around her to make her seemingly connected with her intended audience? That is a $13,000 dress that all women wear to prepare meals in! We poor, harried mothers!
(all said in a fake British accent)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Really, in the near future most of the population will be directly related to KFed, Lil' Wayne or a Duggar. We're doomed. -MK

Submitted by Mabel Hodges on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:53pm.

I think she is genuinely pretty and I don't let any of this garbage bother me. Sure, its stupid, but I don't have to read it unless I want to!

Submitted by brandie_larue on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:49pm.

Damn, her (staged) house is mess! I guess it's supposed to be cute when millionaire celebrities are messy. If my house looked like that, I'd get the judgemental side-eye from my mom and my 2 year old would say the house is a "messing mess!"

Submitted by derf on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:47pm.

With all her talk about organic, macrobiotic, exercise, blah, blah, blah...why does she look like a 60 year old rode hard and hung up wet hag with an under-eye concealer addiction when she appears on Glee? Your skin speaks volumes, hers seems to spew Goop. I think her husband left her two years ago and she's trying to distract us.

Submitted by madam s. on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:42pm.

Oh my GOD, the meticulously placed precious shit all around her is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Submitted by fishsticksfan on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:36pm.

Submitted by putsomestankonit on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 2:02pm.

It must be difficult to have to pretend 24/7 that your life is perfect and that your marriage is like that Ashford & Simpson song.
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Not too difficult if you have a full time house staff, private macrobiotic chef, nannies, drivers, chartered jets, stylists, celebrity trainer, barely work for millions of dollars, and never have the old man around to cramp your style.

Submitted by Cunning Stunt on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:33pm.

And omfg, I want that bread (no carbs for me)

"And you - scuff that luggage and I'll cut your hamstrings for you." Mallory Archer

Submitted by putsomestankonit on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:32pm.

It must be difficult to have to pretend 24/7 that your life is perfect and that your marriage is like that Ashford & Simpson song.

Submitted by Cunning Stunt on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:31pm.

I think you guys aren't seeing what I'm seeing. I think the set designer was told to do some hacky shit to showcase her earth mother persona and is making a statement about the fake ass bullshit that has wrapped itself around her instead. Overly staged photo in pretentious dress, while she's stirring in an empty bowl. Everything about her is empty, just for show.

This is me just wishing... It probably really is just this bad

"And you - scuff that luggage and I'll cut your hamstrings for you." Mallory Archer

Submitted by friendlyskies on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 12:24pm.

Money porn. There will always be a market for it because the vast majority of us will never be rich, but poor people are somehow soothed into docility by just looking at expensive stuff. That's why two goofy kids like Prince William and Kate Fairytale Story are going to have a gazillion-pound "royal" wedding, that pomp and ceremony is remnant money porn from before MTV Cribs and Aping the Kardashians turned social engineering into a profitable business.

Personally, I prefer traditional sex porn.