Fishsticks Paltrow Loves Hot Dog Buns, Hates Hot Dogs
Now, I haven't read Fishsticks Paltrow's Ode To My Perfect Life (No Poors Allowed), because I can feel bad about my diet for free by calling my mother up and telling her what I had for lunch. But Eater must've been behind on their eye rolling exercise for the week, because they dipped their retinas into the imported copper pot of naive pretentiousness and pulled out the best (see: worst) quotes.
From their review, half of it sounds like something a rich Jane Austen character might say when you ask them what they did for summer. The other half sounds like a charming tale the mistress of the house would tell her chamber maid after her car ran out of gas and she was forced to seek help from a farmer and his wife who served her curious things like hot dog buns and bacon.
All of Eater's favorite lines are at, well, at Eater, but here's the ones that really made me choke on my store-bought frozen breakfast burrito cooked in the electromagnetic wave burning oven on top of my refrigerator. If you read some of these quotes out loud, you will find the tip of your nose slowly rising up away from the peasants below, slap yourself with a hot dog to come back down.
GP: "One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."
Me: I'm surprised she didn't lie and say "Ina Garten" to really stick it to that heartbroken sick boy.
GP: "I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious."
Me: There's an especially lonely bacon-free place in the depths of Hell for anybody who gives bacon a back-handed compliment.
GP: "I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun... except hot dogs (sorry, Dad)."
Me: This reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom would always always buy too many hot dog buns for birthday parties. For the next few weeks, we'd get a hot dog bun with everything. A hot dog burn with our spaghetti, a toasted hot dog bun with grape jelly in it for breakfast, a low-budget Subway sandwich made with a hot dog bun and turkey slices... But I doubt that's what Fishy is straight queefing about. She probably just fills a hot dog bun with fresh lobster flown in on her private jet from Maine and Vegenaise. Or she's a down low fast food freak and puts Chris Martin's dick in one after hours.
GP: "One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites."
Me: And at that very moment, salad nicoise had a nightmare about being eaten by Fishsticks Paltrow.
GP "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert."
Me: That one is from the chapter titled: "Being a rich white lady is hard."
GP: "We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made."
Me: Why am I having hopeful flashes of the final scene from Hansel & Gretel?
GP: "When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
Me: Maybe I'm becoming numb to Fishy's verbal acts of snobby ridiculousness, but I didn't really think most of these quotes were that bad until my eyes landed on this one.
Sometimes you just have to end a post with a good-old fashioned I CAN'T. Because, really I cannot. But you know who can? Taylor Swift, because she's going to snatch that line for her next song.
• 
She. Must. Be. Stopped.
*waves husbands cut in half paycheck at hotmami*
And to top it off, one of the kids is sick, which means no work and no pay for me either.
*buys big box of ramen*
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fuck those goddamn son of a horses i got better things to do like love landwhale and bake some bread and tell some fuckers to fuck off.----charlie m.
What this bitch spends each month on organic food could probably cover the pay that I got docked this paycheck. Bitch.
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I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, I felt something die,
Cause I knew that
That was the last time,
The last time
-Adele
These comments are brilliant. I concur about her daddy-obsession--makes you wonder. She makes me hate things I love, like nicoise. Now where do I find a good lobster roll on the west coast?
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Just because I'm out doesn't mean I'm drinking.
Oh, MK, This is wonderful !!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If all else fails, have coffee.
Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 9:20pm.
O well maybe that's cuz she's a cunt.
(J/k - sorta) I did hear, too, that he's a major fuckwad
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Yeah, maybe cuz she's a cunt, but then just leave her and fuck around all over the world. CAD
Submitted by fishsticksfan on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 1:35pm.
Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 12:47pm.
Submitted by Deb on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 12:46pm.
Chris is down the pub with Guy Ritchie, asking how he got rid of his strident cunt of a wife.
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Werd.
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I rarely sincerely defend Gwyneth, but from what I've read by the gossips, it's her husband who is an absolute dick to her, ignoring servers, rude to fans, etc.
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O well maybe that's cuz she's a cunt.
(J/k - sorta) I did hear, too, that he's a major fuckwad.
♥ Threadkilla!
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
~Arthur Schopenhauer
I think she's very, very pretty but not very bright and terribly annoying.
"I read in Rolling Stone a few years back that Gwyneth was Chris's first serious girlfriend." His first? Perhaps. But not his last; he cheats on her like crazy. Hahah.
I would be pissed if I were Gwynnie's mother that she always goes on and on and on about her father and never really gives a shout out to Blythe.
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 9:09pm.
Funny you mentioned that fishstickfan, I also got the vibe that it's Chris who ignores her, cheats on her, and treats her like shit. She seems like his #1 adoring fangirl, while he takes on the role of the "musical genius" who can't deal with petty issues like faithfulness and decency.
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I agree. Also he apparently fucked Kate Bosworth who is a well known skank and coke head anorexic. I'm dying for Gwyneth to ditch that dick and get a hot new younger boyfriend.
Submitted by fishsticksfan on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 1:35pm.
I rarely sincerely defend Gwyneth, but from what I've read by the gossips, it's her husband who is an absolute dick to her, ignoring servers, rude to fans, etc.
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Funny you mentioned that fishstickfan, I also got the vibe that it's Chris who ignores her, cheats on her, and treats her like shit. She seems like his #1 adoring fangirl, while he takes on the role of the "musical genius" who can't deal with petty issues like faithfulness and decency.
The only thing this book's going to feed is her ego. Actress, singer, author, humanitarian, spiritual and personal growth expert, now chef. So many titles for her hallowed biography. How does she do it? Oh yeah, she's a rich privileged brat with connections. I'm going to condense all of her wisdom and advice down for the benefit of the unwashed masses she seeks to help.
How to be Me, by Gwyneth Paltrow
Come out of a rich actress lady's vagina, sired by a famous director who's also good friends with Steven Spielberg. The world is yours now. You are better than everyone else and don't let them forget it.
The End.
@Hekki: reminds me of a friend I know. She's had a life of privilege, but is so out of touch with reality. I vomit every time I hear her talk about "I really believe in living a simple life" "life is so precious, you have to really prioritize" etc, all while driving a Lexus and never seen anywhere without a gorgeous $2000 handbag and $500 shoes.
Submitted by Cara:""I don't ever get why people hate on her."
Because her level of self importance and holier than thou attitude is gross and insulting to anybody who has actually struggled in life."
THIS.
I have a SIL who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and married a millionaire. She really has NO IDEA what it's like to work for a living. Her jobs are primarily for her own edification and enjoyment and spending money. She couldn't live on what she makes. Yes, she's always had a job, even summers during college. She has a good work ethic. BUT: She has never dodged a landlord because her rent was late, or worried that her lights would go out or had to repay a student loan.
She doesn't understand why poor people are poor. They're just lazy. Unemployed people are just not looking for a job hard enough (thanks to her parents' connections, she's never had to worry about applying for a job or sending a resume that will get lost among the others).
She's not really an asshole (much), she just has no other experience.
I see why she and Madge were "friends." Both of them feel that they have something new and of great, great, lifestyle-changing importance to share, whether it's the wonders $100 dollar napkin rings, kabalah, etc.
About FB, I just hide those people. The worst are the "I feel blessed..." posts, which get about 20 thumbs up.
Forgot to say: MK's comments are HILARIOUS!
I hope he adopts the same format to other posts.
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http://www.whosdatedwho.com/tpx_21333/marc-bolan/tpx_1652472
I would NEVER buy her cookbook. I Bet it has snobby recipes .
Chris and Gwyneth went to Reese's wedding together. I wonder what their deal is?
Submitted by Athina on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 2:52pm.
She reminds me of my most annoying married with chittlens friends I have on FB. Every other weekday night it's some fucking annoying-ass status update like:
"White chicken chili is simmering on the stove, the house smells deliciously of cumin. The children are bathed and ready for dinner!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate FB statuses like that. Mine would go something like, "Children are being little dickenses today! Sticking forks in the toaster, flushing the cat, and eating frosting from the can! I'm so busy posting on Dlisted I haven't time to join them in these fun pursuits. Little minxes!"
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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997
'A pizza oven in the garden' isn't a luxury - any old peasant can and has built one of those things for centuries. Of course if you insist importing actual Tuscan peasants, using handmade bricks formed from clay that was worked on the thighs of Venetian virgins,to make your pizza oven; I can see her point.
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http://www.whosdatedwho.com/tpx_21333/marc-bolan/tpx_1652472
If she would just quit trying to convince everyone she was down to earth, and quit trying to sing and shit, I could deal with her. It's that extreme lack of self awareness of just how cunty she comes across that kills me.
As long as she wasn't hearing her father moaning & whispering over her shoulder, "Put my hot dog in your buns, Gwynny"
WOT? She started it!
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While perusing Gwen's elucidations in her book, I was truly perplexed on how an auteur d'un livre de cuisine, did not know the excrable heath value of the pork product the stinky people call "bacon".
I find it incredulous she calls herself an "au courant culinarian".
"People hate on her because she is so far up her own ass that she probably hasn't seen sunlight in over two decades. She comes across as a pampered, out-of-touch, twat."
Yep. And interesting you should phrase it this way. She actually went to the doctor because she wasn't feeling well and was told the problem was that SHE WASN'T GETTING ENOUGH SUNLIGHT. It was yet another thing she blabbed on about on her GOOP dealie.
"For the next few weeks, we'd get a hot dog bun with everything. A hot dog burn with our spaghetti, a toasted hot dog bun with grape jelly in it for breakfast, a low-budget Subway sandwich made with a hot dog bun and turkey slices..."
LOLOL, MK! I love how Goopy's pretension brings out the first rate cuntery in MK and the rest of you hos. Funny ass shit.
Submitted by Athina on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 2:52pm.
She reminds me of my most annoying married with chittlens friends I have on FB. Every other weekday night it's some fucking annoying-ass status update like:
"White chicken chili is simmering on the stove, he house smells deliciously of cumin. The children are bathed and ready for dinner!!"
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I have a FB friend like that and she's also really into adjectives like 'organic' 'locavore' 'farm raised.'
Thought I'm below average a person with no garden of my own, I don't get any inferiority complex from Gwyneth, so I don't feel any urge to throw insults her way.
I don't really perceive her as self important and I am almost sure that it would be more amusing to have a talk with Gwyneth than with her ex-friend Ms. Ciccone.
By the way, it's a good thing she mentioned forgetting the dessert.
*going to the fridge*
GP "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert."
Then I realized I really needed to fire the chef!
She was vegan/vegetarian a while back, wasn't she?
Know what, would be funny to know if Brad Pitt still regrets she broke up with him.
Submitted by little_rascal on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 1:50pm.
I bet she calls eggplant "aubergine".
- - - - - - -
She calls eggplant melanzana
Wouldn't a pizza oven be better placed in the kitchen?
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"I'm just going to stop at the 24-hour donut shop and then go home."
"What are you depressed about? Or celebrating?"
Submitted by Cowjam on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 11:58am.
Looks like you all beat me to everything I was going to say.
On cold, wintry nights in London, I literally got the shakes dreaming about real NY pizza, Dunkin Donuts, chocolate chip cookies and real coffee.
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HAHAHA, I can relate! During the summers I spent as a kid visiting my brit family and being forced to eat crap like fish pie, sliced cow tongue, lamb-this-and-that-and-the-other (I HATE lamb), organ meats, blood sausage *hurk*...I used to fantasize about pizza, or nice, boring stuff like Cheerios and PB&J :D
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. - Dorothy Parker
She reminds me of my most annoying married with chittlens friends I have on FB. Every other weekday night it's some fucking annoying-ass status update like:
"White chicken chili is simmering on the stove, the house smells deliciously of cumin. The children are bathed and ready for dinner!!"
BAAAAAARFFFF! Who gives a rat's ass about what you made for dinner or what is simmering on your stove? Do you see me pontificating on the deliciousness of my Big Mac or Chef Boyardee? No you do not.
Submitted by KA on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 2:26pm.
I just think she lives a life she's accustomed to.
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She FLAUNTS a life she's accustomed to and is so totally out of touch with the masses it's moved from annoying to hateful.
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The physical appearance of the please makes no difference.
GP: "We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made."
Me: Why am I having hopeful flashes of the final scene from Hansel & Gretel?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. - Dorothy Parker
People hate on her because she is so far up her own ass that she probably hasn't seen sunlight in over two decades. She comes across as a pampered, out-of-touch, twat.
"I don't ever get why people hate on her."
Because her level of self importance and holier than thou attitude is gross and insulting to anybody who has actually struggled in life.
I don't ever get why people hate on her. Her recipes are my favorite part of GOOP. I'd like to see this cookbook - I can't say I'd outright buy it. I really don't mind her at all. I just think she lives a life she's accustomed to.
Submitted by little_rascal on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 1:50pm.
I bet she calls eggplant "aubergine".
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She calls her daughter "pomme" no joke .
Sometimes you just have to end a post with a good-old fashioned I CAN'T.
A-fucking-men, MK! But, man, I've been LMAO off at your post and the comments. D-listers are outdoing themselves.
its bruce bitch...
what the fuck is salad nicoise? I'm from Chicago, have a masters degree and I've never heard of it...
Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 12:47pm.
Submitted by Deb on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 12:46pm.
Chris is down the pub with Guy Ritchie, asking how he got rid of his strident cunt of a wife.
*******************************************
Werd.
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I rarely sincerely defend Gwyneth, but from what I've read by the gossips, it's her husband who is an absolute dick to her, ignoring servers, rude to fans, etc.
Here's one example:
http://tinyurl.com/3lqw6qg
Ode to my perfect life (no poors allowed) LMAO MK!
"Me and My Way of Cooking, The Art of Being Me Whilst Something I Made with My Own Two Hands is Simmering on My Wood-Burning Stove."
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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997
Submitted by sybil on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 9:48am.
"The proper title of this book should read; "My Father's Hot Dog"
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Ahahahahahaha! Straight to hell for that one, sybil.
(*tsk tsk*... talking about a deceased man's hot dog.)
<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>
"I am going to rock myself in a corner in my Slanket now." - Plecostomus
Submitted by Deb on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 12:46pm.
Chris is down the pub with Guy Ritchie, asking how he got rid of his strident cunt of a wife.
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Werd.
♥ Threadkilla!
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
~Arthur Schopenhauer
Submitted by louise_brooks on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 11:49am.
Submitted by kayray on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 11:31am.
Does this bitch ever mention her husband or even get photographed with him? I really think they live completely separate lives.
They have got to be divorced or separated. She never talks about him at all.
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Chris is down the pub with Guy Ritchie, asking how he got rid of his strident cunt of a wife.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by Athina on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 12:27pm.
@ Hekki and Bowchicka,
I'm glad I was not the only one. My mother is Ukrainian and my father is Hungarian. I grew up on a lot of very ethnic, unhealthy recipes. But damn, they were good... Pierogis, stuffed cabbage, goulash, salo with rye bread, blood sausage...I could go on, but I won't.
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Did your mom make vareniki and pelmeni? My mom made it all the time.
You are so funny MK and I CAN with you even if you don't care - xxoo.
I had a lardass with PMS moment yesterday and thought up a chicken parmesan sammich made with garlic bread.
*dreams*
@ Hekki and Bowchicka,
I'm glad I was not the only one. My mother is Ukrainian and my father is Hungarian. I grew up on a lot of very ethnic, unhealthy recipes. But damn, they were good... Pierogis, stuffed cabbage, goulash, salo with rye bread, blood sausage...I could go on, but I won't.