Ladies who make the decision to fuck on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you're okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson's sex skills. According to John, Jessica's vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:

John on Jessica being his drug: "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"

John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his ass because he is a Tweet-ker: "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"

John on how many girls he's screwed since Aniston: "I'm going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."

John on how he's upping his famewhore game in 2010: "From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the shit out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's fucked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even fucking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'fuck you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."

A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it's going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the slut in you just can't resist. And once you're done with it, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I'll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).

And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That's his Jess!

Since the Mission Impossible franchise keeps Suri's high heels closet full and Tommy Girl's Scientolohole freshly bleached, he's going to return to the series for a fourth time. Deadline says that Tommy Girl has already scooted on the dotted line and will not only star in the fourth Mission Impossible, but he will also executive produce it along with J.J. Abrams. J.J. won't direct this gay alien orgy, so they are currently looking for a director. Shooting will start this summer and it will be released on Memorial Day weekend in 2011.

The Mission Impossible franchise has made $1.4 billion worldwide. No word on how much cash Tommy Girl is going to stuff in his cleavage or what kind of back end deal he received while moaning and flicking at his nipples.

If Tommy wants to play spy girl again, let him! I just hope he queefs the crazy out in large doses while promoting this latest jizz stain. Or maybe he'll shock us all by acting not-crazy.

Captain Phil Harris, star of Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch, suffered a stroke last month in Alaska and had to be placed under a medically induced coma to stop his brain from swelling. A few days after he was hospitalized, there was a glimmer of hope that Captain Phil would survive, but unfortunately the stroke was too severe and he went off to the Cornelia Marie in the sky last night. Captain Phil's sons delivered the sad news:

"It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad -- Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end. For us and the crew, he was someone who never backed down. We will remember and celebrate that strength. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers."

One of my friends is a crackhead for this show, so this news is going to make his soul attach itself to a line of lobster cages headed for the bottom of the ocean (that part always scares the shit out of me).

Rest in peace, Captain Phil.

Ali Lohan didn't understand why everyone was surprised she could do a split. She's 16, she's SUPPOSED to be flexible!! And she could've sworn that easter bunny wasn't there before she ate that tic-tac out of lindsay's purse. - zinny1127

Runners-up:

Jennifer Aniston crashes Pax's birthday party, trying to prove to Brad she's still limber at 41. - Sexecution

Reason #2,589 NOT to fuck with an abuela: the chankla at the end of her leg is far-reaching. - SavageLettuce

Little Billy couldn't see the lust in the Easter Bunny's eyes until it was too late. It was years before he could eat a cream egg again - starvis

via WOW Report

Coco (as played by Charles Levin), Dorothy's gay houseslave who was only in the first episode of the Golden Girls. Coco was supposed to be a series regular, but they dumped that queen in favor of Sophia. It needed to be done, but I still would've liked to see Coco's ass stick around for just a few more episodes. That way we could've seen him massaging Dorothy's bunions, holding Sophia's purse and hitting his brains with a frying pan while listening to one of Rose's stories. And I would've taken screen shots from each of these scenes to Photoshop my head over Coco's. Oh well. I'm sure Coco ran off with Monroe Ficus from Too Close For Comfort and now they are running a bed and breakfast together in Amsterdam.

Here's Coco at work:

Glenn Beck (46)
Makenzie Vega (16)
Emma Roberts (19)
Holly Willoughby (30)
Elizabeth Banks (36)
Laura Dern (43)
Alexander Payne (49)
George Stephanopoulos (49)
Jim Cramer (55)
Mark Spitz (60)
Michael Apted (69)
Roberta Flack (73)
Robert Wagner (80)
Leontyne Price (83)

When you are working on a television show the hours are very long and people get to know each other very well. Some get to know each other even more than normal. This new hit network show is one of my favorites and if you have seen it then it is probably one of yours also. Well, on the show there is a C list actor who really has a B list body of work. He is married and has been for awhile. Also on the show is an actress who is much, much younger than our actor but it hasn't stopped them from spending every free moment together in his trailer. She is legal. Barely. (CDAN)

The majority at CDAN seems to think this is about Al Bundy (government name: Ed O'Neill) and his 19-year-old Modern Family co-star Sarah Hyland. I don't even want to think about Al with anybody but Peg, so I'm going to completely ignore the third paragraph in that blind item and guess Kyle MacLachlan and the chick who plays Ana Solis on Desperate Housewives. That image I can deal with.

This director/producer has an admirable list of credits, and is known as a solid family man. However, there’s one aspect of his history that may surprise you. There is a very well-known female actor with whom he is usually credited with helping to make a star. It turns out that the two of them have been carrying on an affair for years. You would have to be really sharp to catch a hint of it in their appearances together, however, as they are both very subtle and very private about it. They’ll be working together again soon. (Blind Gossip)

James Cameron and Gloria Stuart, obviously. Or Garry Marshall and Julia Roberts?

This musician is a very sensitive soul. Apparently, although he pretends to have a very stoic public persona he is actually obsessed with his public image. He follows every possible blog and article written on him and takes it all very personally. When someone comments on a blog, he reads it. He even takes to commenting himself. He does not take criticism well and does all he can to shift with the wave of public opinion. Although this is difficult to those around him, he has found someone who wants just as much attention as he craves, so it works out pretty well. The only sad thing is, if we, the fans were to tell him we thought he should change in any way, he’d probably do it. Not John Mayer. (BuzzFoto)

Michael "Sex, Cannabis and Cake" Buble? Or John Legend? Or Robin Thicke? If you're thinking Kanye, then read the word "stoic" again.....IN CAPS.

Just when Miami finished cleaning the skank slime from their streets left by the Kardashians, they are about to get a new infestation! Movieline is saying that MTV has chosen to terrorize Miami for the second season of Jersey Shore (which will probably get the extremely creative title of: Jersey Shore in South Beach). A source says that MTV has rented a house off of Lincoln Road and is currently installing a Valtrex dispenser in each bathroom. Shooting will begin in May.

The last time I was in Miami, I was shopping for hair dye at Walgreens (don't ask) when some drunk ass tramp in a neon yellow whore dress stumbled up to me and asked if I had seen some Brazilian girl in leather pants. When I started to shake my head "no," the bitch accidentally stepped on my foot. Instead of throwing me an apology, she said, "Why did you do that?" The ho's bref smelled like Parliaments, ground beef and sour apple schnapps. Basically, I'm saying that the Jersey whores will fit right in.

But the citizens of Miami should still walk around like this come May:

You can never be too safe.

Joe Rogan, who got famous for yelling at hos to drink the rat milkshake faster on Fear Factor, has himself a little admirer. An admirer who peeks at his peen in the locker room after Jiu-Jitsu training. Joe tries to play like this bothers his ass, but you know he wants everyone's eyeballs glued to his "hog." But let's play along with Joe.

Joe decided that it was time to catch the hog watcher by recording him in the act. This is where it starts to get really weird. A huge part me (mostly every part but my no-no) thinks this is staged. Why would the boy be so damn obvious while a camera is on him? I know that whenever I play a game of peek-a-peen in the locker room, I always disguise myself as a pile of towels. This kid isn't even trying. But he's probably only staring because Joe's dick is shaped like a pig's tail, which would explain why he keeps calling it a "hog."

And you may want to turn down the volume before hitting play on this wreck. Unless your name is David Beckham, you probably aren't used to the sound of pigs snorting.

via Videogum

This story is as old as time. A world famous superstar sensation turns her hairy back on the one true friend who loved her unconditionally when she was just a lonely cat lady who practiced kissing with her pillow and ate canned tuna for all her meals. But now that she's the toast of the entire world, she has completely forgotten about her soul mate. A tragic tail.

Susan Boyle's rep confirms to The Mirror says that she is no longer living with Pebbles the cat. SuBo is too busy traveling the planet and she's only visited Pebbles three times in the past 7 months. Pebbles now lives with a retired woman who gets paid around $7 a day to care for SuBo's ex-best friend. The woman said that the last time SuBo came around to visit, Pebbles wouldn't even come out to tell the bitch "hi." And do you blame the pussy?

Pebbles probably spent many a lonely night cuddling up next to a furry caterpillar thinking it was one of SuBo's eyebrows. And when the caterpillar would sting her ass, Pebbles would continue to cuddle it. But nothing stings harder than being abandoned by your best friend for the cheap whore known as fame!

Pebbles will get her revenge by putting out an album of angsty chick rock songs about how SuBo did her wrong. Pebbles will be the Alanis Morrissette of 2010.