KISSYFUR!!!! Yes, that bitch's name really was Kissyfur and of course, he came from the magical world of foolery known as the 1980s.

Kissyfur (try to tell me that your whole body doesn't pucker every time you read his name) was the star of his very own self-titled cartoon show that played on Saturday mornings, or Sunday mornings, or maybe it was on weekday afternoons. I don't remember. But I do remember that Kissyfur started out kind of dark for a 1980s cartoon. Kissyfur, his daddy bear and his mama bear were all circus performers. When his mama bear tragically died, Kissyfur and his dad no longer had the passion for circus performing anymore. So one day, when the circus train derailed, Kissyfur and his daddy bear made their escape. They ended up in a swamp town and started a new life. Shit was fucked up. They made new friends and new enemies including two bitch ass crocodiles named Jolene and Floyd. Kissyfur was also one of the original #itgetsbetter bears, because he had a bully who called him a sissy face all the time.

That bunny hugging on his ass was his friend Beehonie and she was always try to get on him. Beehonie is perfect Hot Slut material, but Kissyfur won today for 4 very important reasons:

1: His name is Kissyfur.
2. His name is Kissyfur.
3. His name is Kissyfur.
4. HIS NAME IS KISSYFUR!!! That sounds like the sweeter and more G-rated phrase for tossing a bear's salad. That also sounds like the name of Jennifer Aniston's first born. Kissyfur Aniston does have a special ring to it.

Burt Reynolds (76)
Taylor Lautner (20)
Q'orianka Kilcher (22)
Aubrey O'Day (28)
Natalie Dormer (30)
Kelly Rowland (31)
Matthew Lawrence (32)
Brandy (33)
Mike Shinoda (35)
D'Angelo (38)
Isaiah Mustafa (38)
Kelly Slater (40)
Damian Lewis (41)
Jennifer Aniston (43)
Sarah Palin (48)
Sheryl Crow (50)
Carey Lowell (51)
Catherine Hickland (56)
Tina Louise (78)

(Picture via Awful Library Books)

Because making your first public appearance in the pages of a magazine is so average (see: Suri in Vanity Fair), Blue Ivy Carter has graced the eyes of the masses for the first time on her own Tumblr page and she's already a genius since she scribbled this handwritten note out:

We welcome you to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy at this time in our lives.
-The Carter Family.

I think we can all exhale now that we know that Beyonce's genes won the battle. I see a whole lot of Mama Tina and even a drop of Ashanti (that's for all you pillow baby conspiracy theorists). I also see a little bit of my Salvadoran tia after she got all her hair chopped off at Supercuts, but that's a story for another day. Speaking of hair, that baby has so much of it! That baby's hair is laid like Jesus. Or she could already be fooling us all by having the best lace front in the game.

But seriously, I'm a little disappointed by these pictures of our new messiah. I mean, where's her halo halo?

America's future President is trying to make up for Roseanne's shit puddle of a final season by reuniting with John Goodman to make blue collar magic again. Deadline says that John Goodman (for some reason it feels wrong writing his first name only) is about to sign on to Roseanne's NBC sitcom pilot called Downwardly Mobile. Roseanne will play the keeper of a mobile home park who is like a mother to everyone who lives there and John Goodman will play one of her best friends, so sadly it doesn't look like they'll be bumping fupas on the small screen again.

This news is like an extra star on my blue terry cloth moon robe. (Note: Am I high again or did Roseanne wear a blue terry cloth moon robe in almost every episode? I can't find pictures of that shit.) Roseanne better keep the lottery out of this and she better find a place for Crystal Conner, because she's in need of a major comeback. And don't you miss the old days when Roseanne looked like Marilyn Whirlwind from Northern Exposure.

Oh, look at this baby in pink thinking she's way too cool for Prince Hot Ginge. Or maybe she's not making eye contact because she knows that if she does she'll instantly fall in love and will forever be pained in the heart since she's way too young for him and they can never be. You're stronger than me, baby in pink. You're stronger than me. - Lainey Gossip

Lucci + Estefan + Seamen = WTF - Towleroad

Either Kellan Lutz just stared into the eyes of Medusa or he's actually made of stone - The Berry

ASkars in ASkarf - The Superficial

The moment when Robin Wright remembers what it's like to suck on Sean Penn's peen - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

A new uterus abuser and hair icon emerges - Celebitchy

The first GIF was pretty much me after I smoked my first joint. Looking for the cops to bust me and shit - Cityrag

This reminds me, if I ever get a herp sore I should try to dress it up with some gold glitter - Hollywood Tuna

MiserAlba at Fatburger - Popoholic

Why does this picture of Pepaw Pitt look like it was sketched in pencil by one of those Times Square street artists? - Just Jared

Miranda Kerr better be in the middle of robbing a bank, because that's the only acceptable reason for wearing pantyhose over your face - Popsugar

Move the hell over, SamRo - The Daily What

That asshole kid from Punk'd is all grown (and furred) up - (NSFW) OMG Blog

Whatever, JLo - I'm Not Obsessed

Katharine McPhee in GQ - Hollywood Rag

Somebody put a school of algae eaters on Nicki Minaj's wig, please - Crunk + Disorderly

via PIU

I'd say you had a good night if you came stumbling out of a club with scratches on your arm, blood running down your leg, a gut full of coke bloat, sweaty strands of hair in your face and your scattered emotions switching from "I LOVE ALL Y'ALL!" to "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" in the blink of a side-eye. But when I see Whitney Houston stumbling out Kelly Price's Grammy party looking like this, I don't need to see any receipts before I shake my head while cursing Ray-J's crooked dick for this. It seems as soon as Whit hopped on Ray-J's crooked dick for a second time, she got struck with the crackhead fever again. My feelings about all of this are best expressed through the sea of endless side-eyes around Whitney.

I don't know how I feel about it, but 2012 is turning out to be the year of leaky singers. No, I should think positive. Maybe that's not blood on Whitney's leg. Maybe that doody bubble finally popped. That's a trail of relief running down her leg.

This clip of Tom Hardy and McG on the set of This Means War is from the olden days of 2011, but I've never seen it before and I'm passing it along just in case you too haven't been blessed in the eyes with the image of a paintball punching Tom Hardy right in the nalgas. You know, Tom Hardy denies all the bi rumors, and this video proves that either he's telling the truth or he's a total 100% top. No, dude who is a bottom or vers would put the goods in danger like this. If you're going to take a quick pounding to the ass, it's best if you waddle away with your asshole still intact. Mostly intact, I mean. Picking pieces of your painted ass lips up off the floor is not a fun way to end a good time.

Having the ability to spit paint out of your b-hole is not a selling point on your Grindr profile, believe it or not. Wait, can paint be used a lube substitute?

(Thanks, Jeff)

Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.

LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:

LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.

CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?

LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.

CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.

LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.

If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."

Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.

Yes, it's almost a week later and we're still talking about M.I.A. burning the innocence of a million children by flipping a bitch off during Madge's Super Bowl halftime show. M.I.A. already gave an eye roll of an apology by blaming it on nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah... On Ryan Seacrest's radio show (via USA Today) this morning, he asked Madge about it. The old Madge would've shot up her middle finger at all the hos who are saying that M.I.A.'s middle finger was a big deal. The new Madge adjusted the stick in her culo and said that M.I.A.'s fuck you to America was highly inappropriate. Okay, MOM!

“I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place.”

Translation: "I was really surprised that one of my minions would go against my wishes. I understand M.I.A. is low-class trash and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of loving ME and good energy revolving around ME and the people positively worshiping ME! It's such a STUNT QUEEN thing to do and I'm supposed to be the ultimate STUNT QUEEN. There was such a feeling of loving ME and the people were uniting to bow at MY feet and then that Britatrash slag had to take the spotlight away from the spiritual art I was creating? When Moses was parting the Red Sea, did one of those slave children make the moment all about them by throwing up a middle finger? They knew their place! And now I looooooathe M.I.A. more than I loathe you know what."

In other words, M.I.A., you and your first born are in danger, girl.