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Justin Bieber, the 15-year-old fetus boy with lesbian emo hair who is currently the new Jesus in the eyes of tweens, was scheduled to perform at Roosevelt Field Mall on Long Island today, but it was canceled after thousands of screaming girls went hysterical. They really need to start slipping Valium in school lunches.

Some girls waited over 20 hours, and by this afternoon the crowd had became too much for mall security to handle. TMZ says that shit got real when a dumb fuck employee at Abercrombie Kids shouted to the crowd that Justin was inside their store. That was the code word for the thousands of girls to bust their hymens by trampling all over each other to get inside the store. People were decapitated, the mall was set on fire and now a mob of zombie girls are terrorizing the streets of Long Island. No, but the police were called.

In the end, the event was canceled and someone in Justin's "camp" was arrested for whatever reason. Also, a young girl was taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance after she was injured. Justin took to his Twitter to beg the crazies to go home before anyone else got hurt.

I only have one question: Where in the hell was Officer Dustin and taser gun when we really needed him?!

So what do you do if you are a brand new C list celebutard who in your mind thinks you are A list? Why you go up to women and start hitting on them and generally making an ass of yourself. This is especially evident when you walk up to a C+/B- list television actress from a hit for this network drama who is already known for not being friendly and who responds to the horrible pick up lines by saying, "Who in the f**k are you? Are you 12?" When the celebutard answered her our actress just laughed and turned away and told our celebutard to find someone else. Our celebutard then walked away with his bodyguard in tow. Yes, he really has a bodyguard and it really is funny. (CDAN)

Homegirl was probably waiting for Tank Jones to pull his moves on her, because who can resist that giant ball of hot sex? Anyway, my guess is Levi Johnston and Olivia Wilde?

This female singer has a very unique hair style. She said she came up with the idea on her own. I'm sure she did after the fact. It was necessitated though by the fact she got into a fight with her idiot A list singer/producer boyfriend who took a pair of scissors and cut huge chunks of hair off our female singer's head. (CDAN)

Rhymes with Assy and Pity?

This married/aging actress has put up with a lot throughout her celebrity marriage. She’s practically raised the kids on her own, dealt with scandals and cheating and still managed to put on a happy face on the red carpet. Within this next year, she plans to finally leave her husband and make the divorce public. The current final straw? Not other women or drugs, but an addiction to World of Warcraft. We kid you not. Not Catherine Zeta Jones. (BuzzFoto)

My first thought was SJP and Matthew Broderick, because I can see him getting the butt tingles for the shirtless elves.

The fashion critics basically said they would rather do themselves in the ass with a porcupine than wear any of the clothes from LiLo's debut collection as the "artistic adviser" of Ungaro. Emanuel Ungaro himself said the whole thing was a disaster. So it's no surprise that Ungaro's chairman Asim Abdullah is telling the label's CEO Mounir Moufarrige to send LiLo back to the crackhouse upon which she came from (aka White Oprah's house) .

According to Page Six, several department stores refuse to carry Ungaro as long as LiLo is involved. A source who has seen e-mails between Asim and Mounir said, "Asim wants her out now. Department stores in the States have already told him they won't be picking up the line if Lohan remains a collaborator, so it's a serious issue. Mounir wants to keep her on because it was his idea to hire her in the first place. He's trying to save face."

My guess is that department stores are just sore in the ass about LiLo because they know she Winona Ryder-ed them out of thousands of dollars worth of clothes and they can't prove it!

Although, I have a feeling that if department stores did carry Ungaro's shit without security tags, even LiLo wouldn't snatch that crap for fun.

How does purdy Zac Efron always keep his locks looking like he just finished up a 5-hour hair-pulling gang bang? You'll be surprised to hear that it doesn't involve mangel or blow jobs from a hair dryer.

When asked about the secret to his luscious locks, Zac puckered up both lips and then said, "I've never told anyone this before. This is a hair scoop. Shower before you go to bed, and then sleep on your wet hair. Towel-dry it. In the morning, it's all messed up naturally. If you have that messed-up thing going when you wake up, it's more willing to stay that way. That's Zac's hair tip."

Zac's pillow must look like Xtina's used toilet paper - all wet and covered with bronzer.

I will still try out Zac's hair tip even though my abuelita always warned me that sleeping with a wet mop is one of the quickest ways to welcoming pneumonia into your life. If that's how this story ends, Zac will be receiving my bills from La Clinica Mobile.

Here's Zac and his pillow hair leaving a London studio today.

Reeeeejoice! There's one less Ed Hardy-wearing bag of butt plugs walking the streets! TMZ brings us the beautiful news that Brit Brit's former gas station escort is going off to the chokey. Adnan Ghalib was sentenced to 45 days behind bars for hitting a process server with his car last February. Last month, Adnan pleaded no contest to leaving the scene of an accident.

In addition to the 45 days in the clink, Adnan was placed on probation for 36 months and he must complete an anger management course as well as 45 days of hard labor. Unfortunately, the hard labor doesn't include cleaning the chunky jam out of Daddy Spears' toes.

So that's that! Now you can go back to forgetting Adnan Ghalib exists. Well, until your next bikini wax. Unfortunately, you'll think of him when your waxer asks if you want a landing strip or a baby crotch.

Image: INFDAILY.com

Balloons trickling out of asses, rhinestones on crotches and giant gold angel wings... No, I'm not describing a Glamberace/Gayken/Tommy Girl threesome - Popoholic

And she's got her chichis out: The Miranda Kerr Edition - Egotastic!

Unfortunately, Miranda's boyfriend doesn't have his chichis out here - Popsugar

Askars is excited to get nekkid for True Blood. But not as excited as the millions of genitals who have been waiting for it - Just Jared

Why the hell does Squinty need sunglasses anyway? - Lainey Gossip

Dorota, come get this girl! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Fergie flaunts her tuck game - Hollywood Tuna

RiRi the Size Queen might want to ring up Wilmer Valderrama - Cityrag

LiLo's newest "direct to the discount bin" movie - Hollywood Rag

Glamberace's gay fight with Out Magazine continues - Towleroad

Kim Kardashian is full of shit - I'm Not Obsessed

Dawson's marriage is done - Popeater

A fluffy pussy who cums butterfly-shaped confetti turned the Christmas lights on at some mall in England. Take that, Mimi! - Holy Moly!

Tina Fey needs her own talk show that plays 24-hours a day, 7 days a week - Celebitchy

Brad Pitt to fill a Dark Void. No, this isn't a story about him reuniting with Aniston - Socialite Life

The Saved By The Bell reunion is off - ICYDK

At a Mighty Ducks game in Anaheim last night, player Scott Niedermayer caused a brawl when he gave a fan his hockey stick. No, "hockey stick" is not one of my dumb metaphors for a dick. Dude gave the fan his actual hockey stick.

You would think that the stick was covered with Levi Johnston's cock cream by the way that blonde bitch is throwing fists over it. This is what it looks like when the Lohan family fights over the last Adderall pill.

That being said, hockey games look fun.

via Deadspin

As expected, The Mighty O announced this morning that until she comes back to our TV screens we will have to find another show to tell us what books to read if we want to keep our American citizenship. And I mean that. The FBI will knock on your door if they find out you're not a student of The University of O. Anyway.....

Oprah got teary when she told her studio audience and the world, "So here we are, halfway through Season 24 and it still means as much to me to spend an hour with you as it did back in 1986. So why walk away and make next season the last? Here is the real reason. I love this show. This show has been my life. And I love it enough to know when it's time to say goodbye. Twenty-five years feels right in my bones and feels right in my spirit. It's the perfect number. The exact right time. So I hope that you will take this 18-month ride with me, right through to the final show."

Oprah hasn't officially said what she's going to do once her show goes off the air in 2011, but Deadline's Nikki Finke claims that she's already making plans. Apparently, Oprah is packing up Gayelle King and shuffling off to California to begin working on another show she's going to do on her OWN (that's really the name) cable network.

A source said that Oprah is in the process of choosing which Chicago staff members she's going to take to California. She's not going to take everyone since her new show is going to be "more intimate." Oprah was also overheard telling one of her employees, "Why would anybody stay in Chicago? It's freezing here, and I have a mansion in Montecito that I haven't been able to enjoy."

To which the citizens of Montecito said (as they hitchhiked out of town), "Why would anybody stay in Montecito now that Oprah is here full-time?"

If your dick doesn't make a vagina call 911 upon first sight, then RiRi isn't even trying to fuck with you. In a new interview with German magazine Bravo (via Post Chronicle), RiRi said that your peen must be a certain height in order to ride her ride.

RiRi explained, "He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean? The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn't make it fun. Right now I don't want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun. I love flirting at the moment. I'm single and I'm enjoying my freedom. But I don´t give my phone number out that often. But if I'm dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom."

RiRi's last boyfriend turned out to be a fat pussy, so it makes sense that she's on the prowl for a wang in size: TOMMY LEE.

In a perfect world, we'd all love a cock that can split a Magnum condom in two, but big whores can't be choosers. I try to pretend like I have standards (HA!), but throw a micro mini peen in front of me and I'll probably shrug while saying, "Sure, why not?"

Celine Dion once said this about shoes: "When a salesperson askes me what size I need, I answer 'No, what size do you have?'" The same goes for peen. Where there's a dick, there's a way.