Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's pet cockatoo Phoenix!

For a week, the Food Network's resident drunk mess Sandra Lee told The New York Times' Fashion & Style section what she wore every day and the article is a lie, because nowhere does it say that she wore vodka stains, puddles of dried Elmer's Glue and splashes of Hpnotiq on her clothes daily. But anyway, the First Drunk Lady of New York talked about how her pet cockatoo Phoenix, a gift from her piece Governor Andrew Cuomo, ruined the dress she was going to wear to the Met Gala. It goes without saying, but I LOVE PHOENIX! Drunk Ass Sandy put it like this:

Two weeks before, I had received my invitation to the Met Gala excited about this year’s theme: punk. I had a Vivienne Westwood dress, midnight black, perfectly beaded bodice and floor-length multilayered tulle skirt — perfect for the gala. I entered the walk-in closet to find Phoenix had severed nearly every bead, crystal and pearl from the dress. No joke. Into the cage Phoenix went...

More like, into the microwave Phoenix went..... On the next Semi-Homemade, Drunk Ass Sandy will make "almost tastes like chicken" cockatoo enchiladas using leftover tortillas from El Pollo Loco, the dried crust stuck to the lid of a jar of Tostito's queso dip, fire-roasted salsa packets from Taco Bell and a dollop of Daisy.

Phoenix was just doing Drunk Ass Sandy a favor. The Met Gala's theme was "punk" so he was punking that dress up. Drunk Ass Sandy was too drunk to appreciate Phoenix's styling skills. I doubt that was the first time Phoenix messed up something in Drunk Ass Sandy's house. Every time she makes one of her busted ass tablescapes, Phoenix probably tears that mess apart. Phoenix is one of us!

Shanice (40)
Miranda Cosgrove (20)
Olly Murs (29)
Mark Zuckerberg (29)
Amber Tamblyn (30)
Sophie Anderton (36)
Martine McCutcheon (37)
Natalie Appleton (40)
Gabriel Mann (41)
Sofia Coppola (42)
Danny Wood (44)
Cate Blanchett (44)
Fabrice Morvan (47)
Raphael Saadiq (47)
C.C. DeVille (51)
Danny Huston (51)
Tim Roth (52)
David Byrne (61)
Robert Zemeckis (62)
George Lucas (69)
Siân Phillips (80)

In an op-ed piece for The New York Times, Angelina Jolie writes that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she had the gene, BRCA1, which increases her risk of getting breast cancer. Doctors told Angie Jolie that she had an 87 percent chance of getting breast cancer and a 50 percent chance of getting ovarian cancer. So a little over three months ago, she underwent the first of many medical procedures, including getting reconstructive implants, and her double mastectomy was completed on April 27. Angie's chances of getting breast cancer have gone from 87 percent to 5 percent. And she did it all without the media finding out. In every tabloid office right now, the editor is firing every damn reporter for not finding this out first.

Angelina's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer and she writes that although some of her child army got a chance to meet their grandmother, they'll never get to know her. So Angie Jolie had the double mastectomy so she can tell the child army that they don't have to worry about losing her to breast cancer. Angie writes about how she made the decision to get a double mastectomy:

Only a fraction of breast cancers result from an inherited gene mutation. Those with a defect in BRCA1 have a 65 percent risk of getting it, on average.

Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy. I started with the breasts, as my risk of breast cancer is higher than my risk of ovarian cancer, and the surgery is more complex.

On April 27, I finished the three months of medical procedures that the mastectomies involved. During that time I have been able to keep this private and to carry on with my work.

Angie then writes that she decided to go public with her decision to help other women and she's lucky she has Brad Pitt to support her. What she means by that is that Brad Pitt supplied her with some seriously potent chronic while she was healing.

I wanted to write this to tell other women that the decision to have a mastectomy was not easy. But it is one I am very happy that I made. My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

It is reassuring that they see nothing that makes them uncomfortable. They can see my small scars and that’s it. Everything else is just Mommy, the same as she always was. And they know that I love them and will do anything to be with them as long as I can. On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.

I am fortunate to have a partner, Brad Pitt, who is so loving and supportive. So to anyone who has a wife or girlfriend going through this, know that you are a very important part of the transition. Brad was at the Pink Lotus Breast Center, where I was treated, for every minute of the surgeries. We managed to find moments to laugh together. We knew this was the right thing to do for our family and that it would bring us closer. And it has.

For any woman reading this, I hope it helps you to know you have options. I want to encourage every woman, especially if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you through this aspect of your life, and to make your own informed choices.

And now she's officially, officially a saint!

Will Smith said in an interview a couple of weeks ago that he and Jada Pinkett Smith don't believe in punishing their kids. They believe that their kids are responsible for their own lives. They let their kids do whatever they want as long as they can explain to Will and Jada why that was the right thing to do for their lives. It's directly from the Scientology parenting book. But you know, Will and Jada have something in common with abuelitas. Because abuelitas also ask for an explanation when you do something bad. An abeulita wants you to explain to her why she shouldn't beat your ass with a chancelta for not acting right.

Well, now Will is telling The Sun (via Radar) that 14-year-old Jaden Smith wants even more freedom. Specifically, Jaden wants to be free to live in his own damn house. Will says Jaden told him that for his 15th birthday, he wants to legally quit their asses.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ‘Ooh.' That’s the backlash. On the other side, if kids just want to have command of their lives, I understand.”

A 15-year-old millionaire who can't even drive living in his own house.... What can go wrong besides EVERYTHING? Before Jaden emancipates himself from his parents, he should emancipate that constipated expression from his face. He should probably start there first.

During an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to JFK, the spirit of Whitney Houston took over the body of a passenger who couldn't stop singing Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You (in the style of Nippy)." Another passenger told CNN that the song "I Will Always Love You" is forever embedded deep into their brain, because Nippy 2.0 would not stop telling the entire plane through song that she loved them. Nippy 2.0 did not stop spitting out tattered musical notes from her mouth and it got so annoying that they had to stop in Kansas City to hand her over to the police. (Note to self: If I'm ever on a flight from LAX to JFK and want to eat some Kansas City ribs, just start singing some Whitney Houston shit until they escort me off the plane.)

A rep for the Kansas City International Airport told CNN, "The passenger was detained, not arrested, and then released pending further investigation by the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) and federal air marshals. I can confirm that she was singing 'I Will Always Love You' as she was escorted off the plane."

The rep didn't say if the passenger went full Whitney by screaming "BOBAAAAAAY B" in the hallways before asking hos to pop her doody bubble.

The passenger told authorities that she has diabetes and that's why she freaked out. If you're side-eyeing that "diabetes" excuse, let me side-eye you right back. Because one time my grandmother's blood sugar levels got low and she opened the kitchen cabinets and started throwing food everywhere. So it happens.

And since when can you not take pictures on the plane? When a plane makes an emergency landing in Kansas City because a mile high songbird won't stop belting out a Dolly Parton song, everyone's going to pull out their phones to document it. Doesn't that flight attendant know what world she lives in?

Before I even knew what a psychologist was (and before a couple psychologists dumped me as a patient), I watched Dr. Joyce Brothers on TV. Even though I really didn't know what she was talking about, I was into her and it was mostly because of her gorgeous hair flip. And now Dr. Joyce Brothers is in heaven.

The Los Angeles Times says that the pop culture icon and one of the most famous psychologists in the world died today in NYC at the age of 85. Dr. Joyce Brothers' publicist passed the news to the media, but didn't give a cause of death.

Dr. Joyce Brothers became famous in 1955 when she was the first woman to win the grand prize on the television game show The $64,000 Question. After that, she regularly showed up on TV shows to give advice and that led to getting her own column in Good Housekeeping. Dr. Joyce Brothers also played herself in an episode of Melrose Place and an episode of The Love Beat.

Dr. Joyce Brothers married Milton Brothers (an internist, not a board game maker) in 1949 and they stayed together until his death in 1989. Dr. Joyce Brothers is survived by her daughter, her sister, her four grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

Dr. Joyce Brothers' death reminds me that most things were better in the 80s. In the 80s and 90s we had Dr. Joyce Brothers and now we have Dr. Phil's stupid ass. Come back, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Come back!

... And seconds after Prince Hot Ginge strolled out of a Port-A-Potty, dozens of hos ran in there pantless to scoot across the toilet seat and pick up as much as Hot Ginge DNA as possible  - Lainey Gossip

Well, Taylor Swift's music does make my ears feel like they're burning in hell  - The Superficial 

RiRi stays dressing like an early 90s hooker who gets all her ho shit uniforms from Miller's Outpost - Drunken Stepfather

So you know how you threw your naked and greased up body on Henry Cavill that one time? Yeah, it was a little too aggressive for him - Celebitchy

Is the dude in the second picture Johnny Depp or current day Al Pacino after a dye job? - The Berry 

Michael Douglas on what it was like dry boning Matt Damon - Towleroad

Either Maxim used all the Photoshop on Heather Graham or she's been moisturizing her face with the blood of babies - Hollywood Tuna 

Halle Berry's baby dome is growing as baby domes usually do - Popoholic

This tragic STUNT QUEEN move actually makes me miss Heidi and Spencer - ICYDK

So what do all the Real Housewives make a season? (Sadly, the answer isn't two bottles of Boone's Farms and a lap dance from Andy Cohen) - Reality Tea 

The My Little Pony raver girls are terrifying - Jezebel

"Hey, Pimp Mama Kris, how much for the one on the left?!" - Dennis Rodman - HuffPo

Dear NBC, Kylie Minogue as She-Ra will SAVE the network! - OMG Blog 

The Difficult Brown's neighbors don't like the portraits of his ass warts that he spray-painted in front of his house - IDLYITW

Dr. Who shaved his head and it's actually doing things to me - Just Jared

The Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout go to the beach - Popsugar

Steve Sanders, I still would - Boy Culture

Paul Giamatti looking like Mama June without her hair on, I still would - Videogum

More delusions from the mistress of Neverland Manor - Crunk + Disorderly

Savannah Guthrie's getting married - I'm Not Obsessed

The only reason to go to work on your last day is to get ten kinds of drunk at lunch and tell your soon-to-be ex co-workers what you really think of their asses. Well, Paula White of BBC Radio Stoke did the first part and it got her kicked off the air. The BBC moved Paula's Friday afternoon slot to Saturdays and before her last weekday show, she got shit-faced drunk. So when she got on air, she slurred her words and had herself a P-A-R-T-Y for one! Before they ruined Paula's buzz by pulling her off of the air after only 30 minutes, she spat out wine-covered gems like these:

"I’ve had a couple of drinks, I’m not drunk. I’m sad."

"Let's just throw it all out! I don't get told what songs to – No, I do get told what songs to play! But I don't get told what songs to play on the last day of my shoooooooooow!"

“It’s a P-A-R-T-Y because I said so? Some people will say, ‘Oh, thank goodness she’s gone.’”

After 30 minutes of that, a different host came on to say that Paula was sent home, because she wasn't feeling well. Those bitches. They obviously don't know real entertainment, because they shouldn't have shut Paula's drunk hole. They should've promoted her ass by giving her every slot available (wink wink) and they should've given her a bonus in the form of coupons to Bargain Booze. Whatever, BBC Radio doesn't deserve Paula White! Paula White should come to America and join NBC's family. Because NBC doesn't only embrace drunks, but they put them on the air every weekday morning. Kathie Lee and Hoda, anyone?

via HuffPo

Page Six says that the Duke of Douches, James Franco, might be rubbing his nipples all over the Mother of Dragons, Emilia Clarke, from Game of Thrones. I wonder how Emilia Clarke feels about doing a dude whose lip liner game beats hers? And I wonder how James Franco feels about doing a chick whose eyebrow situation beats his? When James isn't painting an abstract on Emilia's crotch with his paint brush peen, she can help him to elevate his eyebrow game and he can help her to elevate her lip liner game.

Some witness type says that James and Emilia got all close at the Frieze art fair on Randalls Island in Manhattan on Saturday afternoon. The witness says that they were talking and flirting and "were looking quite friendly!”

Emilia Clarke's last fuck buddy was Seth MacFarlane, so I'm sensing a theme here... Either the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on the biggest douches in Hollywood or the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on every past Oscar host. Whoopi Goldberg, lube up, bitch, because you could be next!

Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo's camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston's ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney's and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!

If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he'd look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don't know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she's having a Chico's kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.

And Aniston's publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!