Teen Mom Farrah could be nice to the tattered, bruised and battered half brain cell inside of her head if she just came out and kept it truthful by saying, "I got dicked in the culo on camera for fame and money. The end."

But Teen Mom Farrah keeps overworking that half brain cell by coming up with crap excuses and reasons for why she took a James Deen dick up the butt in front of a camera. Farrah Abraham told Entertainment Tonight that she did the tape for her own private use, because she has no friends and has a sad a lot of the time:

"I have no relationships and I'm, like, sad sometimes. So taking all this into consideration, which some find it hard to, that's what brought me here today. I felt this was my way of embracing my sexuality and being happy for me."

Thinking is hard, right, Farrah? I've seen Farrah's porn and the extras (I clearly don't have a life/hate myself) and while I agree with her that butt sex before a jizz facial is Mother Nature's Prozac, there's nothing happy about that video. James Deen's peen is al dente most of the time and he looks like he'd rather be mouth fucking an alligator. Getting butt boned by a dude who clearly hates you is totally chicken soup for the soul. (Read that as "chicken soup for the hole" if you need the perfect lunch time image.)

Feya Abraham goes on to yank dicks by saying that she hired a professional porn star, because she felt he wouldn't blab about it and her private sex tape would stay private. But then she says that James Deen started running his mouth, so she had no choice but to shop the tape to porn companies. Again, thinking isn't Farrah's strongest skill:

"I was under the belief this would help better protect me and my privacy. So I was like, 'If this guy's so professional and everything's going to be fine,' then I was like, 'I'm happy with this choice.' [But Deen] made it like his own thing and that's why I was like, 'You know what, let me be one step ahead and let me gain control of my own video again.' That's why I was meeting with different adult entertainment companies."

Farrah said that she's already put some of the money (more than six figures, she claims) away for her daughter's education and she's going to use the rest of the money to open "her restaurants." But she didn't want to get into her finances, because she's "private like that."

Yes, Farrah continues to think we're all as dumb in the brains as she is and don't know how porn works. But I will say that while watching eight fingers pull the missing sock I've been looking for out of her steak burrito cooch, I did think to myself, "She's got some talent!"

via Zap2It

In case you didn't already know from looking at her, Avril Lavigne is never growing up and when she's 50, she'll be in the backyard of some abandoned house, downing wine coolers as the 13-year-old sk8r bois do ollies in the empty pool.

The Hot Topic Pikachu put out a video for her new single "Here's To Never Hitting Puberty' and in it she wears her old outfit from the Complicated video, whine yodels at a prom and trashes a school hallway with a bunch of teenagers. Bitch is 28 years old and spraying champagne at a bunch of high schoolers! Shouldn't she be on a list or something?

Believe it or not, this isn't the most embarrassing thing the Canadian Peter Pan has done. Getting engaged to the humanized Top Ramen brick will always hold that title.

Maybe Avril Lavigne stays looking like a 14-year-old circa 2002, because she really has no choice. She's smeared so much black tar on her eyes that she can't get it off and so she's going to look that way forever. When you've got permanent black paint eyes like that, you can either retreat to the mountains of China and live the rest of your life as a panda or you can keep your Kohl's version of punk rock look.

via Vulture

At a screening of The Great Gatsby in NYC on Tuesday night, noted slut whore Gerard Butler was seen talking to de-winged Victoria's Secret angel and Orlando Bloom's wife Miranda Kerr for a few minutes. When photographers took pictures of Gerard and Miranda sharing words with each other, he asked them to kindly delete the pictures or he'd screw every single one of their husbands or wives and when they look down at the freshly bloomed genital wart on their husbands or wives' crotch, they'll think of him!

Page Six says that Gerard must've known one of the photographers on a friendly level, because when he asked the dude to erase the pictures, they "high-fived and bro-hugged." The source also says that Miranda was SMILING while talking to Gerard for 20 minutes.

What does it all mean?!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!

Whatever, can't a married woman smile while talking to a certified slut for 20 minutes without a bunch of nosy hos thinking that something (read: his dick) is up? Yeah, no, not when it's Gerard Butler we're talking about. Something is always up when he's talking to a chick. I bet that in those 20 minutes, they boned 3 different ways, cuddled, shared a cigarette and boned 2 other different ways without anybody noticing. The Butler is that smooth. The Butler is that stealth.

And you know when Gerard Butler and that photog "bro-hugged"? Yeah, his dick did the reach-under anal move. He's that good.

But didn't they have a cat together? THINK OF THE PUSSY!

UsWeekly says that things might be a little awkward on the Vampire Diaries set, because Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have stopped wet humping each other behind the cameras. Nina and Dobrev started dating three years ago after meeting on the VD set and now they're done. Some source says that they are "consummate professionals" (Note: If you just woke up and haven't caffeined up your brain yet, you might've read that as "constipated professionals" like I did.) and "will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started."

"We'll remain best friends" really is the "over the moon" of break-up statements.

So there you go. One of those vampire couples set their love on fire. At least we still have Kristen Stewart and RPattz (SICK!) and Sookeh and Beeehl (BARF!).

And earlier this morning, Ian Somerhalder tweeted this:>

Who knew that when Ian Somerhalder's heart breaks a little he turns into an Emo 7th grader who cuts with a butter knife and listens to Fall Out Boy ballads on a loop? But what I want to know is, did he smirk and throw smug eyes at the monitor while typing that tweet?

Marlee Matlin signs "BOY that's a noisy model." - TexnDoc

Runner-up:

The rejects from the Hamburger Helper auditions opted for a career in fashion. - dbella

via The Chive

Pearl Cantrell, the 105-year-old Texas rose who has discovered the key ingredient to a long, long, long, long, looong healthy life: BAAAACON!

Pearl Cantrell has given birth to 7 kids and did hard labor in the fields for decades, and since she's been retired all she likes to do is dance, sew and spend quality time with a delicious piece of bacon. Pearl told KRBC, "I love bacon, I eat it everyday. I don't feel as old as I am, that's all I can say."

When Oscar Mayer found out about Pearl's undying devotion to bacon, they sent one of their Wienermobiles to her house and gave her a bunch of free bacon for her 105th birthday.

So all we have to do is eat bacon every single day and our 105th birthday, a giant wiener will show up at our house and we'll get to ride it hard while eating free bacon and waving at our loved ones? Pearl Cantrell has unlocked the secret to EVERYTHING!

via HuffPo

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If you've ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you're crazy. But if you're going to go, go next year, because it's going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she'd rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:

"I'm never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all."

Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she's really saying is, "I'm totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn't want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that's not my weekend maid's name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses."

Being a supermodel and ho stroll icon is hard work and extremely exhausting. Every night before bed when Phoebe Price takes out her chicken cutlet cheeks and puts them in a vacuum-sealed freezer bag for maximum freshness, she prays that the gods above will gift her with more time in the day so she can do everything she needs to do. This is PP's average day:

Pick out the perfect ho stroll outfit (that takes 6 hours)
Plump up her cheeks with a quick hormone injection (25 minutes)
Text a meeting place to the paparazzi (30 seconds)
Drive to paparazzi meeting spot on the ho stroll (4 hours, it's only 9 miles away, but this is L.A.)
Wait for them to show up (2 hours)
Text them again (30 seconds)
Wait for them to show up (3 hours)
Text them again and this time promise a $5 Starbucks gift card (30 seconds)
Wait for them to show up (2 hours)
Give them the $5 Starbucks gift card when they show up (3 seconds)
POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! (3 minutes)
Drive back home (4 hours)
Bedazzle a bunch of hats while personally answering fan mail (6 hours)

I just totaled all that up and that's more than 27 hours. How does she do it? And on top of that, she has to take care of her dog Henry? So THANK GOD Phoebe Price got a nanny who can now push Henry Price around in a stroller and give her some much-needed relief. Henry Price's nanny isn't throwing a downcast side-eye, because she thinks this whole thing is a mess. She's throwing a downcast side-eye, because she's grateful that she can help such a hard-working supermodel.

98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what's the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, "EVERYTHING!" Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey's head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:

"The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore."

Okay, I'm interpreting that two ways:

1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn't allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other's parts on the down low.

2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick's ass while blessing the food.

I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that's the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I'm sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that's my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I'd take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.

I'm still confused, so I'm just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick's ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other....and now I'm disturbed.