Björk wasn't at the Met Gala last night... Well, maybe she was at the Met Gala, but wore a head-to-toe floral bodysuit and stood in front of Kim Kartrashian's ass all night so nobody noticed her. But if Björk wore this ensemble to the Met Gala last night, she still would've been the hottest dressed trick there. That lead apron poncho thing tells me that she was in the middle of getting X-rays and ran out. That skirt tells me that she's on her way to a wedding where she's the flower girl. Those leggings tell me that after the wedding, she's going to teach an 80s aerobics class. And I don't know what those platform espadrille sneakers are telling besides WTF.
You'd think that a million cabs, limousines, carriages and SUVs would stop for Björk, but they didn't and she was out there trying to catch a cab for a while. I'm sure that after the 50th cab passed her by, she jumped in front of the 51st cab, opened the driver side door and beat that driver down like he just welcomed her to Bangkok. Never fuck with Björk.
Blaming slavery and paying off a huge chuck of her debt to the IRS wasn't enough to keep Lauryn Hill out of the chokey and she will have to spend time behind a prison cell for not paying taxes on the $1.5 million she made from 2005 to 2007. On top of the three month prison sentence, a judge in Newark, New Jersey also sentenced Lauryn to three months of house arrest and 9 months of supervised release. Expect Lauryn Hill to start begging for coins on Kickstarter, because she also has to pay a $60,000 fine.
Last year, Lauryn pleaded guilty to not paying her taxes from 2005 to 2007 and yesterday was sentencing day. Lauryn reportedly signed a $1 million deal with Sony and took out a loan for $650,000 to pay all the taxes, penalties and interest she owes. AP says that days before her sentencing, Lauryn paid more than $900,000, but the U.S. Attorney's Office says that she still owes a lot of money for penalties and interest. Before Lauryn's sentence, she read (and sometimes rapped) a statement where she blamed slavery.
"I am a child of former slaves who had a system imposed on them. I had an economic system imposed on me. I sold 50 million units [and] now I'm up here paying a tax debt. If that's not likened to slavery, I don't know what is."
And Lauryn went on to talk about what happened to her after she left the music industry...
"There were veiled threats, there was blacklisting. I was told, 'That's how it goes, it comes with the territory.' I came to be perceived as a cash cow and not a person. When people capitalize on a persona, they forget there is a person in there."
The judge wasn't moved and he told Lauryn to turn herself in by July 8th.
So either one of two things is going to happen by July 8th. Lauryn Hill will check herself into federal prison and she'll meet her cell mate who is hopefully a serious brown aficionado and will tame her wild eyebrow situation with tweezers (or if they can't have tweezers, wooden chopsticks). Or Lauryn Hill will escape to Canada and join the anti-Star Whackers league with Randy Quaid.
Ginnifer Goodwin normally looks like the black sheep of the Keebler Elves or a Garbage Pail Kid to me, but at the Met Gala last night she looked like a Garbage Pail Kid after getting a glamorous eyebrow makeover from Harald Glööckler. Stunning. Perfect. Exquisite. When she's done with those brows, they should pull them off her face, put a gold frame around them and hang them on the biggest wall at the Met.
Answer: Did I even need to ask?
New York's Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.
Most people probably didn't recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren't hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!
And here's even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she's on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince's band).
Somewhere in Reno, NV, a casino is missing most of its carpet, because Beyonce wore it last night to the Met Gala in NYC. Beyonce was one of the last to show up, so the stairs were pretty much clear for the empress of her own world to glide to the top while looking like the Hot Wheels logo and Ed Hardy's bowels exploded all over her. This baroque ass mess looks like it fell out of House of Dereon's b-hole, but it was actually made by Givenchy who are also responsible for Kim Kartrashian's curb couch mess of a dress.
Beyonce got all of the attention for looking like a bedspread from Liberace's guest room, but all of the attention should've gone to her dedicated dandy-in-waiting. Ty Hunter is Beyonce's stylist and he followed her all around the red carpet and made sure the train on her train wreck of a dress was sprawled out perfectly. The Basquiat-looking beauty in sparkly pants has more restraint than I do, because he could've easily yanked that train a little too hard, but he held it together and let a less glamorous queen than him get all the attention. It's a damn shame, because he should be the one standing on top of the stairs like a regal bitch.
And Basement Baby was also there last night looking like Coffy in the Tropics.
Mama June's wedding reception met every expectation. - oryx
Stills from the Miley and Liam sex tape nobody needed. - cmclaughlin09
Even the most exotic people still have the same old pedestrian argument about should the toilet paper go over or under. - citizenstrange
via The Chive
Since he's the only thing anybody was talking about last night and I got more links to his now classic interview than spam emails from beautiful Ukrainian women in my inbox, you probably already know about American hero Charles Ramsey and I'm sure him saying "I'm eating my McDonald's" is already your ring tone.
Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight were kidnapped roughly 10 years ago and yesterday they were rescued from their kidnappers' house in Cleveland by neighbors including salsa and barbecue-loving Charles Ramsey. Charles ate ribs and listened to salsa music with his neighbor and had no idea the crazy dude was a kidnapper. Nobody can tell Charles' account of Amanda Berry's rescue better than Charles can, so here's the first interview he gave.
"I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl goes running into a black man's arms." If Charles Ramsey has more priceless gems like that stored up in his brain, then I'm going to need him to write the Gospel According to Charles Ramsey and a copy of it needs to be put in the back of every church pew.
After Charles spat out that line, the interview got a little too real for that reporter and he almost fell back the same way I fell back when first putting my eyes on Charles' glorious receding hairline mullet.
And since nobody can get enough of Charles Ramsey, here he is telling the story again to a different reporter:
And finally here's the 911 call, which starts with "I'm sitting on my porch eatin' my lil' food" and ends with "I bet she been kidnapped, so put yourself in her shoes," so you know it's already a classic.
Sylvia Browne, who has the psychic skills of a broken Magic 8-Ball, wrongly predicted Amanda Berry's death a long time ago, but even her dumb ass can predict that Charles Ramsey is going to be the newest auto-tune superstar.
Robin Strasser (68)
Alexander Ludwig (21)
Natalie Mejia (25)
Breckin Meyer (39)
Eagle Eye Cherry (42)
Traci Lords (45)
Michael E. Knight (54)
Ned Bellamy (56)
Peter Reckell (58)
Amy Heckerling (59)
Thelma Houston (67)
(Pic via Flickr)
As Baby Brahim looked at Madge's ass knowing full well that he'll have to lick virgin's blood off of those double mounds of roided-up muscle at the end of the night, she spread her legs and gave everyone a view of her memaw crotch at the Met Ball. This look is very "current day Anjelica Huston as a Hot Topic stripper" and she looks ridiculous, but it's still a million times more interesting than all the boring ass boring dresses that went down the red carpet. And the cross burning under her Illuminati puss was a nice touch.
But she should've left Baby Brahim with his nanny, because he looks like he's wearing a uniform from an all-girls private school run by Run DMC and that's not the look.
If your eyeballs haven't turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker's crotch ("I haven't even stared at the Crotch of Sauron" - Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night's theme of "punk" and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse's idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they'll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.
And here's pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn't try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn't try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn't try), JLo (didn't try, should've been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters.