Leonardo DiCaprio used to be able to stroll into any modeling agency in the world, walk up to the wall of pictures, point to any model and say "I'll take that one, no need to wrap her up!", and he'd get her. But those days are coming to an end and he got triple-slapped across the face by something called REJECTION when 20-year-old "it" model Cara Delevingne refused to go back to his hotel room with his 38-year-old ass.

Life & Style (via Page Six) says that at a party at Cannes for The Great Gatsby, Leo kept trying and trying and trying and trying to get Cara to give him her time and she did what so many Oscar voters have done for years: she ignored his ass. If only Rose was determined to hold on to Jack's hand as much as Leo was determined to get Cara onto his peen, the bitch would've never let go!

Because the sight of a sad, lonely, ho-loving dog pawing at her feet was trying to ruin her buzz, Cara finally gave him her number. Some source said this:

“Leo kept hitting on her at the ‘Great Gatsby’ bash at Cannes. He even lunged at her at one point, and she dodged him. He was begging her to go back to his hotel room, but she declined. Eventually, [she] gave him her number, but we’re not so sure she’s into him."

Poor Leo. Somebody just hit the FF button on his transformation into the real-life Don Draper.

Leo should get a little credit, though, because he kept on kept on even after Cara shook her head "fuck no" when he told her that he's giving her the opportunity to visit the place 35 million models before her have visited. You'd think that hearing no from a chick would've made his head explode as his dick spat out a white flag before retiring up into his body for the rest of its life. Leo put a Band-Aid over the bruise on his ego and probably hit on another 20-something model (who probably turned his ass down too).

And here's some pictures of Cara leaving a yacht (not Leo's) in Cannes the other day and leaving a party with Wonky McValtrex. Yes, Cara hangs out with Wonky, but turns Leo down. Board up all the windows in Cannes before Leo jumps out of one.

Here's Listverse's definition of the elusive and rare Ghost orchid:

The Ghost orchid is a fascinating rare plant that was presumed extinct for almost 20 years, only recently did it rear its head again. The plant is so rare because it is basically impossible to propagate. It has no leaves, does not depend on photosynthesis and does not manufacture its own food. Like the Lady slipper, it needs a specific fungus in close contact with its root system, which feeds it. The Ghost orchid never grows leaves, and will therefore always depend on the fungus for its nourishment. The Ghost orchid can live underground for years, without showing any external signs and will only bloom when all conditions are optimum. This explains why some orchid enthusiasts search for years and years just to have a glimpse of this elusive flower.

If you replaced the name "Ghost orchid" with Spaz de la Huerta, that whole definition would still make so much sense and be one hundred percent truthful.

It feels like it's been more than 20 years since we've been blessed by the presence of the Crisco-dipped orchid that is Paz de la Huerta and she quenched the thirst of her admirers (aka just me) by gliding through LAX yesterday. Ever since those dumb bitches at Boardwalk Empire made the worst decision of their lives by firing Spaz, because her beauty and raw talent took the focus away from actors who are lesser than her, she's been busy filling her time with other things. I don't know exactly what those other things are, but she's been really busy filling her time with them.

I can spend my time wondering what that burn on her chin is (theories: Chemical peel gone wrong? She learned the hard way that giving Heat Miser a rim job is a dangerous task? The sun not only wanted to kiss her chin, it wanted to make out with it?), but instead I'm going to thank the gods for giving us a Spaz sighting. Never leave my eyes again, Spaz!

Poor Rey Mysterio -- he forgot he'd already taken his wrestling mask off... - I am Legend

Runners-up:

The advances in medicine are now making it easier to give yourself head with no teeth to get on the way. - svp

After meeting Justin Theroux, Jennifer Anniston decided to dismember and return her former groom. - FluffKitteh

via PIU

Up until a few days ago, I thought that Cinn-A-Burst was still something you could buy in a store until the awful, horrific, life-changing, tongue-wrenching, nasty-tasting truth burst in my eyes: you can't. Cinna-A-Burst and its cousins, Mint-A-Burst and Fruit-A-Burst, died in the 2000s and I should've known this way earlier, because I have noticed that many sad, looking people aimlessly wander the streets while mumbling to themselves, "Now, where am I going to find a hard stick that bursts in my mouth?"

Cinn-A-Burst was this gum from the 90s and 2000s and it had tiny flavor-locking crystals (didn't everything have flavor-locking crystals in it in the 90s?) that burst in your mouth when chewed on them. It was kind of like chewing on low-grade sandpaper covered in cinnamon powder.

People used to say that if you chewed the wrapper with the gum, it made the gum spicier. I did it once and didn't really notice any difference, but some people always did it. I'm guessing that paper took years to digest and just now people are getting all nostalgic and shit while pooping out Cinn-A-Burst gum wrappers.

Katie Price (35)
Caridee English (28)
Apolo Ohno (31)
Maggie Q (34)
Ginnifer Goodwin (35)
A.J. Langer (39)
Alison Eastwood (41)
Annabel Chong (41)
Naomi Campbell (43)
Brooke Smith (46)
Johnny Gill (47)
Morrissey (54)
Bernie Taupin (63)
Bernard Shaw (73)

....and then Kristen Stewart lifted her tear-stained face, looked at the unicorn on Taylor Swift's
 shirt and screamed, "Those used to dance in his magical forest hair!" ....And then Kristen Stewart wiped away her tears, stared at her hand and screamed, "I didn't know I had the ability to make these."

UsWeekly's fanfiction department reports that yesterday afternoon, Kristen Stewart and a friend drove to Taylor Swift's house in Beverly Hills after visiting another friend's house. A source says that KStew and her friend spent all day there before driving back to her house.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

Well, it probably means that Taylor Swift ran out of famous (or famous-ish) white dudes to date and write songs about, so now she's writing about other people's break-ups instead. She already got a few songs out of Selena Gomez and now she's moving on to Kristen Stewart's latest break-up. (WARNING: Taylor Swift's next album will have a Twatlight theme.) This also means that the unicorn and rainbows wallpaper in Taylor's Lisa Frank-themed parlor slid off the walls, because that much insufferableness in one room could melt hardened glue.

Or maybe Taylor just wanted to mend KStew's broken heart with a little, good old-fashioned scissoring.

I'm looking at the yellow rubber Munchstrong Livestrong bracelet a whole lot different now.

Comedian April Macie was on Howard Stern on Monday and she put the taste of burnt leather, chemicals, roasted corn and sweat in my mouth when she talked about the time she walked into a hotel room bathroom and caught her friend with a mouthful of Lance Armstrong's b-hole. April says that earlier in the night, she and her butt-munching girlfriend were partying with Lance at a party. Lance invited them back to his hotel room with a bunch of his friends and then this happened:

"I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole...I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: 'Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass'..I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name—to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?...I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”

Most of the time when I go to a party, I regret going to that party, because going to parties are overrated. But I'd always go to parties if it meant that it would eventually lead to me walking in on some chick going to Rim Town on Lance Armstrong's roided-up ass. That is a perfect postcard moment right there. I'm surprised that Lance's bike seat isn't shaped like a giant tongue.

April's friend is a brave bitch, though. She's a brave bitch, because it takes a hardcore ho to stick her tongue in some random end-of-the-night man culo. She's also brave, because April says this happened about 5 or 6 years ago, so Lance's wrinkled Cheerio was probably roided all the way up then. Lance had The Hulk of anuses. April's friend could've lost her tongue. That's like putting your tongue in a cigar cutter. One minute you're tossing Lance's salad and the next minute you're picking pieces of your tongue out of his no-no.

And now we know what's really going on in this picture:

If that's not a "So, can I sit on your face?" look, I don't know what is.

via Examiner and Deadspin

RiRi is supposedly paying tribute to Marilyn Monroe here, but that forty five cent wig is totally "Colonel Sanders after a home perm gone wrong" - ICYDK

Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a vato trying to get down at a backyard barbecue - Lainey Gossip

There's still a baby growing inside all of Jessica Simpson - Drunken Stepfather

And just like that, Jon Bon Jovi's name has been written in saliva and mashed peas on under "most wanted" on every Believer's wall - The Superficial

If Rainbow Brite grew up and became a hippy raver - Hollywood Tuna

Why do I have a feeling that Beyonce snatched Grown Woman from Basement Baby's notebook? - Towleroad

Please someone cancel Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes twitter accounts. Their fights would be better so much better face-to-nostrils - Celebitchy

Celeb whores with the Anthony Davis - The Berry 

The nerd boys just blue themselves  - Popoholic

RiRi wants a mouthful of hillbilly chipmunk - Just Jared

Alec Baldwin gave his unborn baby the dizzies at Cannes - Popsugar

The censors get next year off, because Seth MacFartlane will not host the Oscars again - I'm Not Obsessed

"Don't bring me into this dark-sided mess!" - God - IDLYITW

Are we sure that chick is with Wilmer Valderrama? She looks over the age of 16 and that's usually his cutoff - Moe Jackson

And Katy Perry totally peed in that water - HuffPo

The husband of the new Real Housewife of NYC looks like he keeps the bones of children in his basement. He'll fit right in with the other husbands!  - Reality Tea

Jonathan Taylor Thomas is old enough to drink red wine now... - Videogum

This is pretty much going to be me when Shauna Sand dies - Jezebel

The only kind of pregnant lips I want to see on Kim Kartrashian are the ones on her face and I don't even want to see those - SOW

Creepy Doug Hutchison went to Disneyland yesterday and he didn't go to shop for his next child bride. Doug was there with his porn iguana bride Courtney Stodden to celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary. As the children around them asked their moms, "Mommy, does Rosie O'Donnell have alopecia and why is she kissing on that plastic iguana in low-budget Angelyne drag?", Doug and Courtney ate cotton candy and smeared each other's lip on one another for the paps. How quickly Disneyland can go from the happiest place on earth to the scariest place on earth.

Actually, let me correct that a bit. Courtney made Disneyland both the scariest place on earth and the most elegance place on earth. Those cotton candy heels deserve some credit.

When Shia LaDouche signed up for Lars Von Trier's Nymphomanic, he said that the scenes were going to be so graphic that you'd be able to see the fleas from his ass hairs jump up and down as he had missionary-style sex with his co-star. Shia insinuated that he was making fancy art house porn, but then Lars Von Trier later said that he was planning to use body doubles and special effects to make it look like the actors (including Shia, Charlotte Gainsburg, Uma Thurman, Willem Dafoe, Jamie Bell, Stellan Skarsgård, Connie Nielsen and Christian Slater) had actual sex with each other.

Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that Lars is CGI'ing the dicks and chochas of body doubles onto the actors. Lars shot the actors having fake movie sex and also shot the body doubles having real sex. He's going to cut and paste the bottom part of the body doubles onto the bottom part of the actors. The movie's producer explained it like this:

"We shot the actors pretending to have sex and then had the body doubles, who really did have sex, and in post we will digital-impose the two. So above the waist it will be the star and the below the waist it will be the doubles.”

Nymphomaniac was supposed to make its debut at Cannes, but because of all the work it takes to copy and paste a body double's dick onto Shia's crotch, they didn't make the deadline. It will premiere on Christmas Day (Merry Christmas!) in Copenhagen.

I totally understand why Lars didn't let Shia have actual sex. If he did, the entire movie would've been shut down by the health department. Since Lars is a slave to the details, I'm sure he hired exact body doubles of the actors. So I'm guessing that Shia's body double is a mouse. I mean, we've all seen it in that Sigur Rós video.