Skinny Bones Jones

I meant to cover this mess yesterday, but blacked it out (for obvious reasons) and remembered it again as I knocked the nightmare smegma balls from my eyes this morning. Sometime this morning, I had a life-ruining night terror where I was trapped in the body of Melania Trump and was on my way to dinner with Donald Trump and my Tia Lupita. My Tia Lupita never slapped me in the mouth for dragging her to dinner with Donald Trump and I didn't even seem to mind that I was about to swallow food next to a talking hairy ass boil. It was just a terrifying sleeping experience and it was so horrific that my brain tried to cleanse itself of it by secreting sticky pus balls (Not Jizz. I wish). As I knocked them out with a Q-Tip this morning, I looked at that Q-Tip and it sort of reminded me of something. It reminded me of this Romanian model with a 20-inch waist!

The Sun (read: so it's probably fake) talked to 30-year-old "model" Ioana Spangenberg who can wear a cock ring as a belt and who can keep a hula hoop up without moving her body. "The Human Hourglass" claims that her 20-inch waist came to her naturally after puberty. Ioana eats chocolate, chips and huge meals all day and her waist still stays pinched like that. It's Iona's metabolism, obviously. Bitch's metabolism is so crazy that it even ate her stomach. Ioana tells The Sun that she always self-conscious about her body, but she began to embrace the skinny after she met her husband:

"When I was 13 my waist was around 15 inches. Someone could put their hands around it, their fingers would touch and they would still have extra room. In Romania it is better to be overweight, because that means you are from a wealthy family. So while my friends were going out and dating, I was sitting at home with Mars bars wishing I could fatten up.

Jan [her husband] was the first person who saw me as beautiful and encouraged me to celebrate my body. He asked me to pose in some photos for him. He was so impressed he put them online and the response was amazing. I would still like to gain weight so I don't look so shocking — and now that I live in Germany I can't get enough pizza or kebabs. But I'm finally comfortable in my own skin."

Ioana doesn't mention any kind of corset training and I just can't believe that her internal organs naturally migrated into her ass. I bet if Ioana swallows a pea, you'd hear it free fall down her body before popping out of her crotch since there's no organs in the way waiting to digest it. I just want to wear her as a bow tie.

And if you're still squinting at that picture while thinking to yourself that it should get a Photoshop and a Fun House Mirror Award, here's Ioana's hourglass body in action:

Protip: Do not go to skinnyfans.com unless you want to be knocking slimy nightmare balls out of your eyes next to me in the bathroom.

Ignore the sounds of Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing in your head, because even though LeAnn Rimes looks like a neglected horse fly who suffers from the dizzies due to malnourishment, she doesn't need your $18 a month donation. LeAnn Rimes needs a lot of things (examples: shame, dignity, the name of a good titty ball surgeon), but what she doesn't need is a donation. LeAnn's feedbag must be filled with nothing but gold coins, because she's permanently on vacation. In just the past few weeks, bitch was in Aspen and Mexico. And now she's strutting her yard apart chichis in Hawaii.

LeAnn and a friend were horsing around (If you GONG me for that one, make sure it leaves a mark.) on the beach yesterday in front of a bunch of paps who I'm sure she called herself. LeAnn can't go a week without posing for pictures that look like they came straight out of Horse Fancy's swimsuit edition.

And I need to take a quick moment to shed light on the abuse that plastic ball is enduring at the hooves of LeAnn Rimes. Can you imagine the painful emotions it's going through as it flies toward a ho with a cemetery of plastic balls on her chest? That poor plastic ball thinks she's going to catch it and stuff it into her chest where it will be trapped forever. What an evil bitch. Think of the plastic balls, LeAnn!

"Okay, we're going inside this movie theater and your simple ass better not get me any buttered popcorn, because I'm not eating buttered popcorn until the starving children are eating buttered popcorn! Just get me a cup of the frozen tear cubes of a lonely spinster. I'll take whatever brand they have." is probably what St. Angie is saying to Brad Pitt above, because according to UsWeekly, she's on a hunger strike. Grazia Magazine said a couple of weeks ago that Angie barely shoved 600 calories down her throat and it's because she's always so busy. But a source tells UsWeekly that's not the reason why she's got the body of a Castlevania skeleton warrior.

Just like your 12-year-old Emo daughter who considers Christina Ricci's character in the Ice Storm as her spirit animal, Angie is trying to make a political statement by giving herself the perma hungries. The source says that she "puts herself on fasts to make statements for the children she visits. She says, 'If they can't eat, I can't eat. [She] does different cleanses from around the world. It's very dramatic, but that's how she gets." A different source says that Brad is worried and has taken her to doctors, but they all tell him that there's nothing wrong with her.

This doesn't really make any sense. Wouldn't Angie want to be as healthy (I know, I know..) as possible so she has the strength to help the children and shit? And if she is starving herself for the children, wouldn't she do it the old fashioned way by not fucking eating food? Cleanses don't count. That's cheating. Yeah, I'm sure the starving children of the world are only starving because their village's juice bar only serves Master Cleanse water.

This Thursday, some of us will be shoving shovels full of creamed turkey fat, pumpkin pie filling, canned cranberries, Stove Top cake and blocks of butter into our gluttony holes before we pass out in a 4 hour coma and get up to do it all over again. Once you've swallowed everything in the refrigerator including the light bulb that has a little gravy splash on it, you might want curb your carb-spree and go on of those du-du-du-diet things. Well, Grazia Magazine (via DM) might have the right diet for you (no, they don't). One of their unnamed sources say that if you want arms as skinny as Courtney Stodden's lizard tongue and veins that are trying to escape from your body because they are so damn HONGRAY, then stock up on coconut oil and go on the St. Angie diet.

The source says that St. Angie weighs under 100 pounds and she has her 600 calorie a day diet to thank for that. Contrary to what the Bible tells us, St. Angie doesn't only eat the fear Brad Pitt gives off when her hypnotic vagina tries to chomp his other ball off. St. Angie actually eats food and here's a sample of what she eats on a daily basis:

Breakfast: A spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal
Lunch: A few almonds and some Gummy Bears, or a protein shake
Dinner: Steak and wine!

The source also makes it clear to add heaping amounts of stress to this diet if you really want it to work. They explained, "Yes, stress plays a part. She is the type of person who drops weight when she's stressed out. She simply loses her appetite and can survive on almost nothing. But a lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far and that she won't have the strength to do all the things she wants to do if she doesn't gain some weight. Everyone has been begging her to eat more and she is trying not to get any skinnier, but unfortunately she just doesn't seem to be putting on any more weight."

But really, 600 calories. I gained 600 calories just from typing the first sentence in this post. That can't be right. St. Angie probably weighs more than 100 pounds and I'm she eats more than 600 calories a day since Maddox spikes the gallons of virgin blood she drinks with Ensure. Maybe she just carries most of her weight in her arm veins?

Canadian Brangeloonies and the tortured loved ones they drag to shit like this, gathered at the Church of Brangie's traveling tent revival set up at The Toronto International Film Festival yesterday to worship their gods St. Angie and Brad Pitt live in the flesh. Some Brangeloonies immediately started mumbling in tongues (example: whatangelinadidwasreallyCOOLalalakdafbklallaCOOL) and others offered up their hysterical tears to the sacred vein on Angie's forehead, which might be hibernating in a cocoon of Botox for the month.

Believe it or not, Brad Pitt, who is trying to beat Tom Brady and Ashton Kutcher in a JTT hair-alike contest, nor St. Angie were the stars of last night's Moneyball premiere. Nor was her purse and chain (not to be confused with her ball and chin). Nor skinny Jonah Hill. Nor Anna Faris. Nor David Justice. Nor Stephen Bishop. The real star was the brave Cloonelooney who threw herself into a sea of Brangeloonies. Get some of this:

So now you know what your mama was really doing last night.

The walking dried bean curd with feuding titties celebrated her 29th birthday over the weekend with a good old-fashioned fame whoring bikini photo op in Malibu with her partner in homewreckery Eddie Cibrian and his children. Your 25 cents a day will go toward a special couples weekend for LeAnn's War of the Roses silicone sacks since it's obvious that they're still sleeping on opposite sides of her bony chest and refuse to even reach out and touch each other. They've been pushed apart and need to reconnect.

Because if her nomad nipples don't sing "Reunited" to each other, she'll just keep terrorizing our retinas with her sternum of doom. It must kill the mood when Eddie has to pull out an industrial-strength clamp to titty fuck LeAnn.

And while I appreciate that LeAnn wore a knit bikini filter over her ass, that mess should really be worn over the anus hole on her face so it can filter out all the shit she says.

Giuliana Rancid looks like she should be carrying a piece of leaf on her back to the ant hill, but she tells the bone-hating bitches out there to kiss her wax paper-wrapped butt bone (just remove any lip gloss before doing so, because that shit might have calories and she doesn't want it to seep into her body). Giuliano (Freudian typo) got a lot of shit when a doctor told her she had to add at least 10 pounds of fat between her bone and skin if she wanted to get pregnant, and she only gained 5 because she's a slave to the treadmill. But Giuliana tells Celebuzz that her stomach is always full of at least half of a lemon seed and she eats whatever she wants (up to two lemon seeds).

Yeah. I went to Italy, and I consumed way too many calories a day, but I didn’t care. Bill and I made a deal on the plane over that we can’t say “no” to anything, including food. Like if Bill says, “Let’s have a crepe,” I can’t say no — even though I just had a gelato, and I’m full. We indulged like crazy for two weeks, but we took really long walks in the vineyards, and we stayed active. And when we got back to Los Angeles, we were back at Equinox the next day on the treadmill.

I eat whatever I want. I never starve myself. I eat five times a day — if not more. I workout every day and bust my butt to stay in shape, which can be six to seven days a week.

Okay, so now we can all stop going on about how Giuliana is the sole reason why Jenny Craig has seen a 90% rise in skeleton sign-ups. Giuliana works very hard to get her body looking like the human embodiment of an ANTZ character. So Giuliana's haters are just fat loooooosers (the troll spelling of "loser") who can't follow the Yackins diet!

Renee Zellweger made those kinky hos out there with a shoulder blade fetish salivate when she walked into an event at the Tommy Hillfiger store in Milan yesterday. Even Renee's shoulder blades pucker! Those blades are so damn erect that you could sit and spin on them. If Squinty passed out face down in the middle of a garden, lady bugs could play a game of racquetball off of one of her shoulder blades. Those are blades that even Mother Nature loves.

If you've got yourself a newborn baby but no crib, don't fret. Just gently lay your baby between Squinty's blades and walk away. That baby won't roll himself to brain damage thanks to Squinty's blades!

And with a little bit of imagination and a whole lot of fur, Squinty's shoulder blades would look like Simon Cowell's hairy pecs. Oh, Ryan Seacrest is totally going to ask Squinty out now.

Shortly after pictures of LeAnn Rimes looking like she just landed the title role in a Goddess Bunny biopic made the rounds, she immediately started spewing out her diet journal on Twitter. LeAnn was sick of hos saying that she starves herself and works out too much, so made a Tweet list of all the things she puts into her mouth hole. LeAnn eats cookies! LeAnn eats fried chicken! LeAnn eats the dreams of children (with two spoon fulls of turkey gravy on top, thankyouverymuch)! LeAnn eats Eddie Cibrian's peen (slathered in Fluff and cookie crumbs, thankyouverymuchagain)! LeAnn basically eats everything.

LeAnn kept pleading her case when a "concerned fan" (@lindsey696) said that she has to think about all the young girls that look up to her. That was LeAnn's cue to go on about how must she loves THIN MINTS and PIZZA and FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! LeAnn's Tweets via HuffPo:

LOVE Thin Mint Cookies! I never know where to buy GS Cookies, so I'm always elated when someone I know has them! Love Thin Mints frozen!"

@lindseyg696 you don't know me, you have NO idea what I weigh or eat, so why should you have any opinion about my weight?

@lindseyg696 I own that I am healthy and take dang goof care of my body, that's what I own.

@KarlaHoffman last time we ordered pizza for the boys at our house you were there and I didn't pass it up. You've witnessed it!

The Falcor doth protest too much.

LeAnn then kept the foolery going by Tweeting the above picture of her lounging by the pool in a bikini. I've been staring at that picture for way too long. I'm not trying to gaze into the crotch that knocked down two houses. I'm just mesmerized by her belly button for some reason. It sort of looks like an eye with two swollen lids around it. Or maybe it looks more like the gaping anus of an albino monkey. Whatever the case may be, it will affect my sleep tonight. Now back to LeAnn's open diet journal.....

LeAnn has already said that she's healthy and eats normal, yet she still feels the need to try to convince everyone that she's fine. Just throw them a #fuckoff and move on. I mean, LeAnn probably burns at least 400 calories every time she violently types out a Tweet of defense so maybe it's time to put down the BlackBerry. A Twitter-free diet is in fucking order.

Looking like if Zelda from Pet Sematary went blonde, LeAnn Rimes sang out the National Anthem at the NCAA championships in Houston, TX last night. LeAnn hit all the notes even though hos from the stands kept trying to throw hot dogs, nachos, peanuts and whatnot into her mouth hole when she opened it. Because well, LeAnn is skinnier than the wedding band she broke while giving Eddie Cibrian a handjob during the early days of their true love affair.

UsWeekly says that LeAnn's friends are telling her to slow down with the whole "losing weight" thing before she's nothing but nostrils, biceps and leg bones. But LeAnn still insists she's completely healthy and once again jumped on Twitter to defend herself:

dear lord! I do not workout too much nor do I starve myself. I'm so over this and moving on.

To those who have to turn to other's lives and judge with no real knowledge of how anyone lives, you can you know what!

well, I swear I just ate 4 chick-fil-a chicken strips, a chicken breast, rice, green beans and a lemon bar

don't talk about me like that! Now everyone knows my weight :)- :)-...ok it's 60lbs...I won't lie! Seriously, people need to get a life or a hobby

No, I don't know what. Does she mean we can shove it up our assholes, because that's not possible. My asshole is closed for renovations by the city until further notice. But how about, we can sprinkle the entire Outback Steakhouse menu on "it" and put it on a plate made of dried gravy for LeAnn to shove into her mouth? I like that idea better. Candice Swanepoel and I want to watch.