Skinny Bones Jones

Nicole Richie was leaving the Charlotte Ronson after-party in NYC the other night when a Swedish tourist started taking her picture. A witness told Page Six that Nicole handled it the Kanye West way. The witness said Nicole shouted at them, "I'm not an animal," and then she "jumped over the velvet rope, ripped the camera out of the girl's hand, and smashed it to the ground."

Wow. Nicole Richie jumping over a velvet rope? That sounds kind of cute actually. It probably looked like a tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard.

And what Nicole didn't realize is that the Swedish tourist was taking her picture because she really thought Nicole was an animal! A marmoset with a silly headband. Seriously, Nicole needs to loosen that baby belt on her head and chill out! She should be happy that people are still taking her stupid ass picture.

Below is a video of a sweet and tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard. I take it back. There's no way Nicole looked this cute.

Producers of the sequel to "The Thomas Crown Affair" have told Angelina Jolie to eat a funnel cake or something. Mmmm....funnel cakes.

Last year, it was rumored that Angie Jo signed on to star opposite Pierce Brosnan in the sequel called "The Topkapi Affair." Paul Verhoeven is supposed to direct this mess. According to the Mirror (via SF Chronicle), they have asked her to gain 28 pounds. A source said, "Ideally they want Angelina to put on 28 pounds for the role. It is going to be very physically demanding, which is why they want her to carry the extra weight. They don't want a reprise of what happened with 'Wanted,' where she was fainting and they had to take her costumes in."

If she gains an extra 28 pounds, that would put her at what weight? An even 100? And I guess if she gains 27 pounds, she's out. It's 28 or bust!

She should just borrow Meg Ryan's fat suit. Better yet, they should keep Angie out of this shit and bring back Rene Russo. She hasn't made a movie since 2005 and it's time for a comeback.

Nicky Kidman supposedly popped out a baby two weeks ago, but you wouldn't know that the bitch was pregnant at all. Nicky already has her skinny bitch body back. Although, I'm not sure she ever looked totally knocked up. Overdosing on botox seriously works wonders.

Sunday Rose must be the size of a rose petal. No wonder Nicky and Frosty have been out so much. They are able to take Sunday Rose with them. She sleeps at the bottom of Nicky's pocket.

Nicky also needs to pay a visit to Frosty's hairstylist. Her hair is like part memaw and part tween girl. It's fucking strange. Her hair is in the Twilight Zone.

Claire Danes (the one in the red bikini) looks like a loooong piece of pulled taffy. I want to grab one of her hands, then grab one of her feet and use her like a jump rope.

Angela Chase is looking a bit grouchy! She's probably mad because that beach umbrella has bigger chichis than she does. It's okay, Angela. That beach umbrella will never have a best friend like Rayanne Graff.

Here's Claire looking like me in a bikini while vacationing with her boyfriend, Hugh Dancy, in Italy.

It came from the grave...... Eeek! If the whole international superstar thing doesn't work out for Madge, she can always get a job as the Crypt Keeper's hand double. And no, she's not wearing her wedding ring. Despite all the rumors that her marriage is in the shitter, Madge and her family showed up to Friday night services at the Kabbalahahaahha Center in NYC last night.

The Sun reports that Guy Ritchie will fly his ass to NYC this weekend to try and save his marriage. A source said, “It is make or break time for Guy and Madonna. She is completely focused on rehearsals for her tour in America and can’t come back to London. They want to make the marriage work, but they are at a stalemate. Divorce is something they have thought about.”

The source also claims that the main issue is that Madge wants to move her family to NYC, but Guy wants to stay in England. A few Dlisted birdies told me that the main issue is that Guy can't keep his "other guy" in his pants. I'm surprised to hear that he still has a dick. I thought that Madge's vagina of death chomped that thing off a while ago.

If Madge moves back to NYC, does this mean she will finally drop that truly hideous British accent? If only.

Bears should not be allowed to get skinny. It just looks weird. I mean, have you ever seen a skinny bear? It defies the laws of nature! So, what's Jason Davis' diet secret, because the fat hog is fucking slim. I'm guessing it's the "Barf it, Snort it, Suck it, Cut it" diet.

Did you hear that crack? I think it's one of Janet's ribs breaking. Does she even have any ribs left?

It looks like her nose and her waist are in a competition to see who can disappear first. My cash is on her nose. I doubt that's a regular belt she's wearing. It looks more like a Eureka vacuum belt. It was the only thing that was small enough to cinch her up.

Janet Jackson is putting the heat on Cathie Jung! Cathie currently has the world's thinnest waist, but JJ is closing in. Come on Cathie! You don't need a stomach. Get rid of it! JJ is coming for you!

The Daily Mail has a long ass article about the diet secret of the stars. If you're trying to lose weight, perhaps this can help you! I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure any of these diets tips might leave you with no teeth, no hair and an irregular heartbeat. You'll be skinny though and that's all that matters!

Drugs: Coke, Clenbuterol & Adderall! The DM writes, "Adderall is the latest diet drug craze in Hollywood, and the number of celebrities addicted to it continues to rise. Just about every female celebrity arrested - from Paris to Nicole, from Lindsay to Britney Spears - has had prescription Adderall in her handbag. It keeps you awake while killing the appetite. While Clenbuterol and Adderall create a slimming effect in the short-term, after a while, users report a sudden and uncontrollable weight gain. Having tampered with the natural metabolism, the drugs stop working."

Boiled Eggs: "During the filming of Cold Mountain, there were rumors that one famous actress on set ate only boiled eggs. She would rise in the morning and eat one and then have one or two at the end of the day. That was her entire diet. And apparently she is not alone."

The Master Cleanse & Fasting: "Super-slim Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross was spotted dining at a restaurant a few years back with her now husband Tom Mahoney. According to one eyewitness: 'He ordered sea bass and prawns, but she just sipped fruit juice.' hen there's the master cleanse, otherwise known as the lemonade diet: water mixed with maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Beyonce admitted following it for two weeks to drop one-and-a-half stone for the film Dreamgirls, and Jared Leto used it to shed the two stone he'd gained to play Mark Chapman in the film Chapter 27."

Laxative Teas: "Today, many actresses are taking laxatives in the form of "dieter's tea", which has a mild laxative effect. Some starlets are drinking up to ten cups a day."

Peanuts: "Supermodel trainer Gelband admits: 'I had one girl who was living on Diet Coke and peanuts. She drank three to five Diet Cokes a day and ate a big bag of nuts. If she got hungry, she smoked.'"

The Patch: "Trainer Peterson says: 'I had one guy using a Nicorette patch, not to quit smoking but to stop food cravings! This is a ridiculous approach and definitely won't work.'"

The Patch?! I haven't heard that one before. I think I've done at least 3 of those things, but never the patch. Be right back! There's something I need to buy. Hey, if you believe it, you can achieve it!