Skinny Bones Jones

The island of Maui is still getting violated by HoHan and company. Yesterday, HoHan actually bathed herself in some tide pool with her sister Benjamina Button and other friends. HoHan also made friends with an island dog! Well, it was a one-sided friendship. Methinks he was just waiting for the greasy bone to stop moving so he could bite into it. Luckily, he didn't get his chance or he'd be spitting out dried crack fungus and fan tan smegma for the rest of the week.

I know I keep saying that HoHan looks like her diet consists of coke balls, Red Bull, nicotine and Juciy Fruit, but does she really look that beat? I mean, yes she's a crack hit away from looking like a post-Blaaaake Wino and I can count all her rib bones without my contacts on, but is it that bad? Take a good look. A good look...... Okay it is. Now I know why we eat food.

Here's more of my own, my love, my precioussssssssss in Hawaii.

It's a good thing that Gregorio Marsiaj is hand hugging his own peen, because if Eva Herzigova tried, she'd probably poke his off dick head with one of her damn bones. Or her wrist could snap off and that would just kill the moment. I mean, she's basically the size of a pencil dick. Homegirl could put a colored condom (not even magnum-sized) over her whole body, add a belt and then hit the town.

Seriously, somebody in these pictures needs to feed this ho a sand pie filled with sea crabs for protein. But I shouldn't put on the hate too much, because her bony ass landed a semi-hot Italian millionaire. And how much do you want to make a bet that when Gregorio was a teenager he was caught jacking off to the skeleton in science class more than once?

Draw a picture of a little hangman figure using a ball point pen and stick that shit next to Posh. This praying mantis alien probably makes your stick figure look like Jessica Simpson in diaper jeans after a chili cook-out. This bitch right here looks like my pinky's shadow!

I mean, damn! At least she'll never get locked out of anywhere, because bitch can slip under door cracks and shit. Although, one day Posh is going to walk into her shower and accidentally slip down the damn drain.

I would say this is some Morticia Addams shit, but the sleeve of Morticia's dress is even too big for this spork creature.

Here's Posh making Dita Von Teese, Eva Longwhoria and Kate Beckinsale looks like three fatty fatty bo batties at Elton John's Oscar party last night. Hopefully, Posh at least smelled some food so she can gain a calorie or two.

And I think that Big Mac settled in her titties. So... Lately, HoHan has been looking like you can find her in a back alley pawing at fish bones while scratching the fleas in her ears. She tells UsWeekly that she doesn't look like that on purpose.

HoHan said, "I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald's. People have their ups and downs. Kids in college get DUIs. Everyone goes through something, and everyone can relate to something. I think that I don't ever want to pretend to be something that I'm not. I'm not perfect; nobody is perfect. If you try to be perfect, you'll probably go crazy. But you should always accept yourself for who you are. And that's what I've done, and I'm happy."

HoHan blamed the reason she looks like a spork on "working a lot" (HA!!!!), "stress" and "lack of sleep."

HoHan might have had a Big Mac, but she washed that shit down with a Supersized line of cokey coke. If bitch wants to do that, she should at least follow it up with a couple of McNuggetinis with extra BBQ sauce. She needs to sip that shit from a straw made out of a french fry. Oh fuck, does a french fry straw exist in reality? Or did I daydream that?

When these pictures of HoHan looking like a greasy chicken bone came out over the weekend, everyone figured she was forgetting to do a little thing called EATING. Her spokeswhore responded to that shit by telling Page Six, "Lindsay is aware that she's lost some weight due to stress, but we recently did a photo shoot and she ate two full meals."

Stress?! Yeah, it's really stressful trying to figure out if you're going to wear the black leggings...or the black leggings. All that stress! I'm surprised she's not going around punching baby squirrels in the stomach. You know, all that stress makes you crazy.

And yes, HoHan's meals consist of roasted cooch, coke pilaf, mashed Adderall with meth gravy, but they are still considered full meals! And she washes it all down with a cup of liquid protein (aka vodka). YES, vodka is chock-full of protein! A mixologist told me and they are pretty much doctors, right?

Having a hip bone that pokes past your arms could come in handy. You could hang your little baggies of cokey from it. If there isn't a coat rack around, you can hang your jacket on that shit. And little kids can take turns swinging around on it. It has many fun and helpful uses. I would try and get my hip bone to stick out like that, but there's a problem. I like eating food. Yeah, I wouldn't be happy only eating pussy, meth, Diet Red Bull and nicotine. Okay, maybe just for a second (sans the puss), but then I'd miss apple fritters and macho nachos too much.

So, here's skinny ass HoHan trying to find size "BITCH EAT AN AWESOME BLOSSOM (OR 50)" while shopping with her sister Ali OLDhan, Ali's "suddenly there" titties and White Oprah in SoHo yesterday. The fact that you could wash your dirty clothes on HoHan's spine doesn't seem to bother White Oprah. She's too busy trying to spend that bitch's money!

And looking at these pictures really make me want to run to HoHan, grab her ass and use her to pole vault over something. 2012 here we come!

Nicole Richie was leaving the Charlotte Ronson after-party in NYC the other night when a Swedish tourist started taking her picture. A witness told Page Six that Nicole handled it the Kanye West way. The witness said Nicole shouted at them, "I'm not an animal," and then she "jumped over the velvet rope, ripped the camera out of the girl's hand, and smashed it to the ground."

Wow. Nicole Richie jumping over a velvet rope? That sounds kind of cute actually. It probably looked like a tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard.

And what Nicole didn't realize is that the Swedish tourist was taking her picture because she really thought Nicole was an animal! A marmoset with a silly headband. Seriously, Nicole needs to loosen that baby belt on her head and chill out! She should be happy that people are still taking her stupid ass picture.

Below is a video of a sweet and tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard. I take it back. There's no way Nicole looked this cute.

Producers of the sequel to "The Thomas Crown Affair" have told Angelina Jolie to eat a funnel cake or something. Mmmm....funnel cakes.

Last year, it was rumored that Angie Jo signed on to star opposite Pierce Brosnan in the sequel called "The Topkapi Affair." Paul Verhoeven is supposed to direct this mess. According to the Mirror (via SF Chronicle), they have asked her to gain 28 pounds. A source said, "Ideally they want Angelina to put on 28 pounds for the role. It is going to be very physically demanding, which is why they want her to carry the extra weight. They don't want a reprise of what happened with 'Wanted,' where she was fainting and they had to take her costumes in."

If she gains an extra 28 pounds, that would put her at what weight? An even 100? And I guess if she gains 27 pounds, she's out. It's 28 or bust!

She should just borrow Meg Ryan's fat suit. Better yet, they should keep Angie out of this shit and bring back Rene Russo. She hasn't made a movie since 2005 and it's time for a comeback.

Nicky Kidman supposedly popped out a baby two weeks ago, but you wouldn't know that the bitch was pregnant at all. Nicky already has her skinny bitch body back. Although, I'm not sure she ever looked totally knocked up. Overdosing on botox seriously works wonders.

Sunday Rose must be the size of a rose petal. No wonder Nicky and Frosty have been out so much. They are able to take Sunday Rose with them. She sleeps at the bottom of Nicky's pocket.

Nicky also needs to pay a visit to Frosty's hairstylist. Her hair is like part memaw and part tween girl. It's fucking strange. Her hair is in the Twilight Zone.

Claire Danes (the one in the red bikini) looks like a loooong piece of pulled taffy. I want to grab one of her hands, then grab one of her feet and use her like a jump rope.

Angela Chase is looking a bit grouchy! She's probably mad because that beach umbrella has bigger chichis than she does. It's okay, Angela. That beach umbrella will never have a best friend like Rayanne Graff.

Here's Claire looking like me in a bikini while vacationing with her boyfriend, Hugh Dancy, in Italy.