Sex Tapes

Here I was beginning to think that just like mermaids, a sober Lohan and jizzing while getting butt sexed without touching yourself, the Tupac Shakur sex tape was nothing but a myth. But TMZ proved it's a real thing this morning by coughing up a few stills and here's one of them. In the 5 minute long tape, Tupac proves that he would've been a "pat head rub belly" champion by holding a drank and sucking on a blunt while one of his groupies sucked on his down low blunt. Yeeeeeah, I love peen like it's made out of bacon, but I don't know if I want this. But I will give credit where credit is due! No, not to Tupac for his multitasking skills. But to that determined dick sucker.

Sometime in the future she'll gather all her grandchildren around and tell them, "Did you know your grandmother once slurped on the dick of Tupac Shakur while he swayed his hips and danced with his homey and not once did my tooth graze his shaft. Yes, that's why I have that framed 'The Only Trick You'd Want Sucking Your Dick During An Earthquake' certificate hanging in the den."

Prouderest isn't a word, but it will become one to describe the emotions her grandchildren will feel after hearing that historical story.

Proving that he's the hardest working dead dude in the game, a 20-year-old sex tape starring Tupac Shakur, a determined groupie slut and Digital Underground's Money B is about to be released for your fapping (or cringing, or fap cringing) enjoyment! If you're currently wrestling with your morals (HA!) and wondering if you should break one of your porn-watching rules (No twisting your nipples to dead dude dick...except John Holmes), then stop your worrying and pull up your panties. TMZ's description of Tupac's blunts and beej tape sounds about as erotic as the "smell my punane" scene from Poetic Justice.

The 5 minute-long tape opens in someone's living room in 1991. Tupac struts into the room with his pants around his ankles, his nipples exposed, a cocktail in one hand, a blunt in the other and his peen in the blow job-ready position. Tupac grabs a ho from the groupie pile and gestures for her to "KEEP YO HEAD DOWN" as one of his unreleased songs plays in the background. Tupac sings along to his song, swishes his hips and doesn't spill a drop of the cocktail in his hand. Money B strolls into the room and Tupac throws his cocktail hand around his friend's shoulder and the two dance together. Meanwhile, the group slut keeps her mouth full of California Love and doesn't let the peen slip once during all of that dancing and shit. The tape ends with Tupac letting the groupie know that he's down to fuck. ...And that is how dreams are made.

That is the exact same story Lil Wayne tells all of his ten million children when they ask him where babies come from. It's also the exact same story Pimp Mama Kris told Kim Kardashian when she asked where recording contracts come from and how can she get one.

But seriously, that hilarious mess sounds 99% better than most of the celebrity fucks tapes out there. It also sounds like the treatment Usher is going to present to the recording company for his next video with Justin Bieber. ....And that is how fap dreams are killed.

For a sex tape that's not even worth 29 dingles and a crotch berry, Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment says that he's going to need at least 30 million dollars to take Kim Kardashian and Ray J's sex tape off the market forever. Vivid owns the rights to the tape that shows Kim moaning like an overstuffed warthog in need of some TUMS while Ray J does her with his boomerang dick from behind, and apparently a "mystery buyer" from Tennessee is willing to pay to stop the sale of it. Why do I have a feeling that this "mystery buyer" is really Khloe doing a Scooby Doo voice?

Steve Hirsch tells TMZ that he's already spoken to the lawyer from Tennessee and it let it be known that Pimp Mama Kris will probably have to sell one of the Jenner girls to an Arab sheik if she wants to buy the rights to Kim's boring ass tape.

"Based on its long term value, it looks like $30 million would be a starting point for a discussion on all of the rights.

I have no idea who is behind this offer ... but If it's Kim, I have a tremendous amount of respect for her. She has my number and can call me any time."

"BEHIND this offer." Nice blind item hint there, Steve. Steve Hirsch is a STUNT QUEEN of the highest order and so is Pimp Mama Kris. This is obviously just a publicity trick to get dumb hos to buy the Ambien of sex tapes they can download for free after Googling "Kim Kardashian sex tape Torrent." But don't even bother, because watching a piece of bacon slowly shrivel in a microwave is more exciting and erotic than that shit.

I mean, Pimp Mama Kris is smart enough to know that she can't make that boring mess disappear, but she can pull stunts like this to keep her main whore's name on top of CNN (this really was on CNN). Strike while the whore is hot.

If we could all glamour that pig and donkey fuck show from our lives, we would. Or we would go back in time and make it so that Ray J's piss stream shot too far, hitting the camera causing it to break. Then that sex tape would've never made it to our eyes and Kim's biggest claim to fame would be being a fourth tier character on Parasite Hilton's failed reality show. Where are Bill and Ted when you really need them?!

And here's Kim and Mr. Kim (being a total gentlemen by carrying around her travel size ass dildo for her) leaving their hotel in NYC last night. I take it back. That's not her travel size ass dildo. That's just her booster dildo since I'm sure it doesn't even touch her culito hole.

We've already had a few eye fulls of RiRi's bare alien balls and she pretty much humps on an invisible peen on stage, but now Hustler is coming around saying that they've got a tape of her yodeling like an auto-tuned goat gargling while getting it on with rapper J-Cole. J-Cole opened for RiRi on her Loud tour and apparently he's opening something else on the tape. Sort of.

Even though one of RiRi's friend is denying that her Bozo the Clown cooch is getting tingled on camera, Hustler swears on their anal beads that they have the "intimate tape" in their lube-smeared hands. They told Radar, "Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape. We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet."

Don't know what to do with it? Did Hustler just get off of the bus from Dontknowfuckville, USA and is skipping through the front gates of the internet for the very first time? When life hands you a celebrity fuck tape, you either a) promise to give said celebrity a cut of the profits and let them clutch their rosary when you leak that shit or b) YOU LEAK THAT SHIT. It's not that hard.

But it's probably not worth taking your panties over since Hustler keeps calling it an "intimate tape." To put it bluntly, intimate tape = no peen in chocha = no cum shot = no thank you. I'm not going to go back to the days where I stole my mom's credit card number to buy some crap movie on the Spice Channel that didn't have a cum shot in it. I'm too grown for no cum shot porns, thankyouverymuch.

Here's RiRi in Portofino, Italy today. I'm sure the shit she's doing to that ice cream with her mouth is more hardcore than this shit she does on this "intimate tape."

Just over a week ago, Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig totally fucked up tied the knot out of the blue in a private ceremony. From what The New York Post reports, while the rest of the world was going "WHAAA? They had totally different SO's a few months ago!" her neighbors in the Catskills said they knew that shit was coming. Check out this quote from "a source" (damn, that bitch gets AROUND):

"I saw them in the local grocery store, Emmanuel's Market Place. They looked like the world's hottest couple...They were casually dressed, then Daniel suddenly pulled Rachel to him in the middle of produce and gave her a passionate kiss, right next to the bananas. They looked more in love and sexier than Brad and Angelina."

HAHAHA IN YO FACE, BRAD AND ANGIE!!! SOURCE totally owned your ass! Actually, no, that's not really saying much since current Brangie is only sexy if you get turned on looking at a plate of boiled bratwurst with a botoxed chopstick and some wax lips on it. I think the funniest and sessiest part of this quote is the detail that they did it by the bananas! SUGGESTIVE. Move over cucumbers, there is a new king of phallic produce!

There were also reports of them PDAing all over each other at the local gym. Before you say "Pinche putas!! A minute ago, he was engaged and she was shacked up for the last 8 years with her baby daddy!" (like you really knew that shit since you get all your news on Dlisted), they dated briefly 20 years ago and recently fell back in love with each other's privates while working together on "Dream House" last year. So technically, they have the longest relationship in the history of Hollywood. HOT.

If you've ever dreamed of seeing the glittery yet dark RPattz up to his eyebrows in pie, your prayers have been answered!! Okay, it's not quite the pronhub shit some of you hookers have been wishing for (I'm pretty sure he doesn't eat that kind of pie) but here he is looking all kinds of delicious on the set of his movie Cosmopolis in Toronto.

Aaaand if you're not a fan, you can point and "AHAHAHAHAAA!! In yo face, bitch!" See, RPattz is so thoughtful. There's something in it for everyone!

Thanks for the pics MK♥!

When Star Magazine said that a LeAnn Rimes sex tape was making the rounds, I threw up (pause) my hands and said "I'm good!" because if I want to watch a leopard gecko eat a grasshopper I'd watch a leopard gecko eat a grasshopper. Since the pores in LeAnn's fingers cream jizz every time her name comes up in the media, she immediately jumped on the Twitter stage and denied that she's ever made a sex tape. Cut to today.

A poster named OneMoreVol at Tiger Droppings (via Gawker) claims he found the memory stick to a digital camera in the back of a moving van in 2008. OneMoreVol posted this on May 25th, a couple of weeks before Star's story. OneMoreVol says that on the tape, LeAnn's husband at the time, Dean Sheremet, talks to her in a "creepy baby voice" while she changes in front of a mirror. OneMoreVol provided evidence of the tape in the form of three completely G-rated screen caps.

Now, LeAnn could've said it's not her in the tape since it's obviously a skinny Chunks from Goonies and we would've believed her. But no. LeAnn admitted it's her in the tape, but went on to protest the existence of a sex tape.

@KarlaHoffman @asu_juliette since when is changing in front of a mirror in a thong a "sex tape?" the fact that someone has STOLEN a tape of private moments of when I was 18 and is trying to profit off of it is sick and the fact that the media is trying to make more of it than it is, a few private moments of me changing and joking around is misleading and wrong. Once again, I have never filmed myself having sex period. All I know is you see more of me on a beach in a bikini. Moving on, so should everyone else!

I believe LeAnn. Mostly because I believe she didn't start having actual sex until she lost her wedding band in Eddie Cibrian's b-hole while getting wild in her trailer. As soon as LeAnn jumped on that dick, sanity and her appetite both took a backseat, because she was too busy getting hers. Up until then, her idea of a funky good time was trying on clothes with her gay husband Dean while they talked like Muppet Babies to each other. So yeah, this is about as sexy as Dean and LeAnn got.

And here's the jerky-fied Falcor and Eddie Cibrian at LAX yesterday.

In December of 2009, Usher made the phrase "dumb fuck" proud when he supposedly left $1 million worth of jooree and two laptops in the trunk of his car. When you leave over $1 million of valuables in a car that is not the OnStar lady's wet dream KITT, the universe will reward your dumbfuckness by sending a ho to snatch your car. That's exactly what happened to Usher and now TMZ is saying that he might've taken his dumbness to the next level by leaving a sex tape on one of those stolen laptops. Because now somebody is peddling an Usher fuck tape and trying to sell it to the highest bidder. And no, Usher's sex tape will not make its debut at the NAMBLA Film Festival, because it doesn't co-star a certain Canadian superstar toddler.

TMZ says they have seen two stills and a clip of the tape and can confirm Usher slurps on the wet parts of his ex-wife Tameka Foster. TMZ also adds that "the people in the video are both givers."

My fuck parts are in a state of confusion over this. On one hand, it's a good day whenever dick gets its time under the spotlight. On the other hand, the dick is attached to Justin Bieber's adoptive daddy and it's also getting some tongue action from the big-boned skeleton that is Tameka Foster. The thought of those two scissoring is already a traumatic experience, but now those thoughts might be brought to life on our monitors? Well, it's good news for those of you who are fans of Skeletor and Orko porn fiction.

Don't get me wrong, my love for seeing peen in action knows no bounds, so I would definitely hit "play" on that mess. But I just know that doing so will suddenly make me an expert at cringe fapping.

On their "101 Ways to be a Famewhore" list, Twit and Twat have already crossed out "get fake married, "get fake everything installed into body, "get fake divorced," and now they are slowly taking a Sharpie to "release fuck tape." Even the broke down psychic cat in Santa Monica could've predicted this mess.

TMZ brings us the inevitable news that Spencer Pratt is trying to sell a sex tape starring him and Heidi Montag to the highest bidder. Spencer has already offered it up to Vivid Entertainment. Vivid's Steve Hirsch had this to say, "I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag. We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal."

Watching a half-melted Dollar Tree plastic doll lying on top of a patch of mangy butt hair from a blonde mutt is probably more exciting than Heidi and Spencer's fuck tape, but I'd still press play on that shit. There's been so many times that I've stared at the mound of fleshy hair growing on the giant penis head on top of Spencer's neck and wondered if the theme continues down below to his crotch area. FLESH PUBES!

And seriously, Heidi's probably not even in the tape. It's just Spencer and his anal crystals.

It's been an open secret in North Carolina that Fantasia has been slippin' and slidin' all over the cock of a married father of two, but she's never lifted up her hand and said "Guilty as fucked." Fantasia doesn't have to do that anymore, because the wife of the married dude she's boning is doing it for her. WCNC (via TMZ) reports that Antwaun Cook's wife Paula filed a complaint in court last week alleging that her estranged husband has been down low dicking Fantasia since August of last year. Paula claims that Antwaun and Fantasia's parts got tingly for each other when they first met at the romance capital of the country known as the T-Mobile store.

Paula has proof of her husband's affair in the form of a sex tape he allegedly made with Fantasia. The complaint reads: "Throughout the course of their adulterous affair ... Defendant/Husband and Ms. Barrino have at times recorded their illicit activity." The document also claims that Fantasia read Paula her rights during one phone call. Fantasia apparently said to her: "He don’t want you. Maybe the next time that you get a husband you'll know how to keep him. That's why he is here with me."

Those words might come back to fuck Fantasia's checking account dry, because North Carolina is a state that allows wives to sue their husband's mistresses.

But back to the sex tape, Fantasia sweats more than Mel Gibson in a kosher deli when she shakes her ass for more than two minutes, so you know her pores will blowing new kinds of perspiration in that sex tape. Fanny will take squirting to a whole new level.

And if this sex tape ever leaks, I hope Simon, Randy and Paula reunite to thoroughly critique it. The word "pitchy" will never have the same meaning again.