Sex Tapes

Vivid Entertainment got a hold of a series of tapes of Carrie Prejean parting her pink sea, and they want to sell the videos with her blessing. Carrie turned them down. Well, now Vivid has brought out their finest lucite jewel to dazzle Carrie and bring her over to the bright side.

The Empress of Lucite slid into her lucite throne, pulled out her boyfriend's peen, dipped it in her sparkly box and wrote a passionate letter to Carrie where she described her own journey from powerless victim to star, cinematographer, director, costume designer and soundtrack composer of her own fuck film. Shauna said that Carrie could waste thousands of dollars on lawyers, or she could make millions by letting the world see her holy grail on her terms.

Below is the part of the letter where Shauna talks about the pivotal moment where she decided to LEAK HER OWN SEX TAPE be the queen of her own porn destiny:

I went to the meeting full of rage. During the meeting, however, I realized that I could actually take control of the situation. Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees for a lawsuit that could take months or even years to be resolved, I could actually turn things around.

I told Steven that I wanted to eliminate any compensation to the third party since it was my movie that I not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to. I also told him that I wanted to be involved in the marketing of the movie as I really cared about it.

I’m really glad I made that decision. I’m proud of my body and of the passion that I felt during the making of the movie which became “Shauna Sand Exposed.”

Why don’t you consider taking control yourself and handle this situation on your own
terms so that you are in the driver’s seat. It all starts with a telephone call to Steven to find out what your options are. I’d be happy to talk to you one-on-one about how I did it.

If any of us were touched by a lucite angel, we would immediately fall into a deep trance and do anything Shauna asked us to. But Carrie proved that she is not of this world, because she turned down Shauna's offer! Carrie even threatened to sue Vivid if they don't leave her alone.

UNGODLY! Turning down the Empress of Lucite is like turning down JESUS himself. Carrie basically spit on the gates of heaven. Just like she spit on her palm to play with her coochie on that tape!

To quote the a wise woman named Marguerite Perrin: "SHE IS NOT A CHRIIIIISTIIIIIIIAN!"

Besides a firing squad full of shooters with Tourettes, the only thing missing from the nauseating never-ending Gosselin soap opera has been a sex tape. Personally, I was hoping a sex tape featuring Aunt Jodi and Kate Gosselin's rabid possum hair would leak first, but Jon Gosselin has beat them to the barf. According to the National Enquirer, Jon's bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has seen a fuck tape starring the Stay Puft Douchebag and some ho that was rented from Craigslist. Thomas died seven days later. NO, he's still alive and he's apparently going to testify in TLC's lawsuit against Jon.

Stephanie Santoro, a former Gosselin nanny and one of Jon's fuck friends, said that Thomas told her about the sex tape, "Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!"

If this is true, then whoever recorded that mess needs to be thrown into the chokey for the rest of their life. That is mass murder in the first degree. Imagine all the eye balls and stomachs that will die a slow death while watching Jon ram his soggy fish stick peen into some hooker's vag. All of us will suddenly develop an allergic reaction to dough.

Although, the ones that don't become a member of the American Foundation for the Blind after watching Jon's sex tape can use it to improve their gag reflex.

The holy bible of sex tapes was supposed to be released to the world today, but it has been pushed back a week due to the Empress of Lucite claiming she never authorized its release. That means you get another full week of eyesight, because once you watch it, you will be blinded by the high-levels of elegance dripping out of her lucite flower. And really, you wouldn't need your eyeballs anymore anyway, because you will never ever witness anything so beautiful again. So it's best that your eyeballs go out with a BANG!

Anyway, TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment swears that Shauna Sand signed a release allowing the tape to see the light of day. However, Shauna is calling the pimps at Vivid of bunch of liars, because she says she never signed it. So Vivid is bringing in a handwriting expert to examine Shauna's signature and declare it authentic.

They shouldn't bring in a handwriting expert, they should bring in a scientist! The real Shauna Sand only signs her name in lucite and angel cum. And if the signature doesn't sparkle in the dark and cause a choir of angels to sing her name, then it's not real.

Start digging my grave and polishing my coffin made out of lucite, because I think I'm about to drop the fuck dead! TMZ gave me a serious case of the vapors by announcing that a Shauna Sand sex tape is about to hit the world! It's going to be the Sistine Chapel of sex tapes! HOLY LUCITE!

On October 19th, the second coming of Jesus (HELL, HERE I COME!) will arrive in the form of a sex tape starring The Empress of Lucite and her current boyfriend. Vivid Entertainment will put it out, but Shauna is trying to stop it from seeing the light of day. Shauna issued this statement:

"Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I've made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn't sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now."

Shauna knows that the world cannot handle seeing her in all her glory! I mean, imagine Shauna doing sexy times while wearing a pair of exquisite heels. It will cause mass hysteria! Souls will explode, genitals will burst and millions of pairs of exquisite lucite heels will melt! The Empress of Lucite cares about mankind and she's trying to protect us!

Just thinking about it is giving me heart, soul and no-no palpitations.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: And now there's a trailer. I had to watch it with a defibrillator pad up my ass, because it was almost too much for me to bear. (Not safe for those with a weak heart) Click here to see it. And in case you're wondering why it looks so professionally lit, it's because the light from Shauna Sand's lucite oyster shines bright!

You might have been wondering why your stomach is growling more than usual this morning. No, it wasn't the bad jizz you ate last night. It was your stomach sensing that it's about to go through some serious shit, because reportedly a Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is about hit the internet. Yeah, you probably won't hear from your genitals for a few days. They aren't going to come out until it's safe.

Zack Taylor (via ONTD) says that some source sent him a few screen shots that are supposedly of Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Sarah Silverman missionary-style (BORING!). Apparently, the 15-minute tape that was shot a few years ago is being shopped around. The source added that Sarah and Jimmy bumped tittays on tape while on vacation at some resort. When they left, they forgot to take the camera with them and a resort employee got their hands on it. That's the story.

Based on the screen shots alone, that could be absolutely anybody or anything. It could be Guillermo, it could be Jon Grosselin, it could be Kate Gosselin's possum head, it could be Khloe Kardashian without her weave on or it could be my Uncle Werner after getting his back waxed.

Let's just pretend this post never happened. I mean, porn isn't supposed to make your fuck parts sad.

UPDATE: A rep for both Jimmy and Sarah says it isn't them in the sex tape. Wait, so maybe it is my Uncle Werner after all!

If a Megan Fox fuck tape leaked onto the internet, it would look just like the clip above! That's according to the ho herself. Megan recently told MTV (via The L.A. Times) that she would never ever film herself getting down on the dick, because she would look like a hippo fucking. Only from the mind of Megan Fox....

She said, "It would take one shot of me not looking good, and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex."

So whip out those dongs, fanboys, and jack until you're raw. Because this is what Megan Fox looks like while she's getting dicked. Yeah, this exactly what I pictured too.

And I think that every time Megan is about to open her mouth to speak, we should immediately hold up a sign that says: "WARNING: Megan Foxes mark their territory! You may be SPRAYED!"

Booooooo! Hissssssss! I want mah money back! So, yesterday, Gawker posted a short clip of a supposed threesome sex tape starring McSteamy, the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA turned drunken lady whore (my favorite kind). Well, the lawyers have attacked and claim they have seen the entire tape and there's no scenes featuring wet parts bumping. McSteamy's lawyer told TMZ: "From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape. At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex." I think he was disappointed to. Way to break a boner.

Eric has also issued a statement saying that he did not do intercourse stuff with Kari Ann Peniche (the Miss Teen USA chick). They might not have done sexy shit with each other, but they were definitely getting it on with some kind of pipe or joint, because those hos are riding HIGH.

Kari Ann co-signed Eric's claim that they have never had sex and also added that she thinks she knows how the tape got out. Kari Ann is pointing her Dirty Sanchez finger at Mindy McCready, the country crackienut. Mindy and Kari Ann were roommates after they finished shooting Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab together. MESSES! Kari Ann thinks that Mindy stole her computer's hard drive after they had a fight about money. When Kari Ann noticed that her hard drive was missing, she immediately filed a police report.

TMZ says that Kari Ann, Minday, Eric and the Noxzema Girl all had a meeting last month to talk about the stolen hard drive and the "nekkid" tape. They decided that Eric would get full rights to the tape and that was that....until it made its internet debut.

You know, who really cares about all the petty little details, just give us what we want! Fleshbot promises that they will post the uncensored clip today which features a cameo by Eric's McPeenis. No, we won't see it in action, but at least we get to see it. I know, it's the little things in life. Well, hopefully, it's the BIG things in life...

Just give us the peen already! Genitals everywhere are crying! Don't make our genitals weep!

UPDATE: Fleshbot posted the uncensored clip and every part of me is disappointed. Why do hos film a "nekkid tape" without lighting the goods properly. You can kind of see what Eric is working with, but not really. Get yourself an HD video camera and try again, Eric!

I knew that when I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "Please let today bring a Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart/Kari Anne Peniche fuck tape," the sex tape gods would not let me down and answer my prayers! Gawker got a hold of a 12-minute tape starring Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart and Miss Teen USA 2002 Kari Anne Peniche.

Kari Ann is a fucking gem! Bitch lost her Miss Teen USA crown, because she posed nude in Playboy. She was also engaged to Aaron Carter (that says everything.) Recently, Kari Ann was on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, but got kicked off for punching a camera dude. Gawker also says that Kari Ann is a known Hollywood madam.

In the clip that Gawker posted, there's not any fucking going on. It's just the three of them, hanging around nekkid while looking higher than an Amy Wino at midnight. Seriously, bitches be smoking or snorting something. Unfortunately, Gawker censored McSteamy's peen and that's all we really care about. Fleshbot is apparently going to give us the goods later. For you titty lovers out there, they didn't censor Rebecca or Kari Ann's boobies.

Gawker also has a picture on their site from The National Enquirer of Rebecca sitting in a bath tub holding a crack pipe. HA! Who knew this bitch was such a hot piece of trash?! I mean, she went from Noxzema Girl to child killer to crackie and now sex tape star?! Bitch is taking Eric Dane down with her. Or should say, she "drownded" Eric Dane.

Click here to see the clip, but don't blame me for you getting blue balls due to the lack of sexing going on. I've already warned you.

Blair Waldorf is a fine lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets! And now the internet is about to see her freakiness in all its glory. That's what TMZ says anyway. They are saying that a fucky times tape co-starring Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl is being peddled to the highest bidder! One company is very close to sealing the deal, so we may see Blair's bits sooner than later.

23-year-old Leighton apparently made the tape with a boyfriend a few years back. The tape is said to be pretty mild except for a scene "involving her very talented feet." FOOTJOBS! Just call her Leighton Feetsters! I was never into that foot shit. Who wants someone else's bunions and corns rubbing all over their privates? Footjobs will give a bitch a corn on the dick. I wonder if Dr. Scholl's corn removers work on the genitals? Hmmm... Weekend project!

Anyfootfuckin, this tape won't eff up Leighton's career and I hope she just comes out and says, "Yeah, I fuck. And what?!" Leighton was born in prison, so I know she has a response like that in her. Prison babies can really do no wrong.

UPDATE: The tape has been sold and there's already stills on (NSFW, duh) this website. Apparently, she does give a footjob! Eff that dick with her feets, Blair!

The first season of The Real Housewives of NJ was all about that damn book and I'm guessing the second one is going to be all about Danielle's supposed sex tapes! You know this was coming next. Unfortunately, Danielle's fuck tape partner is Steve Zalewski, the 27-year-old she dated on the show. The one who suffers from a serious case of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT.

Steve tells Star Magazine that he has several tapes of Danielle doing sexy to him and herself. Steve says Danielle is a freak who wanted to bone all the time and everywhere. They did it in restaurant bathrooms and in a car parked at a police firing range.

Steve is peddling the tapes for a pretty penny, because he says Danielle owes him. Steve said, "She tries to look affluent. But sometimes she couldn't pay the household bills or buy food. Even then, she'd want to borrow 20 grand from me to buy jewelry! I'm definitely weighing my options as far as selling them and getting them out there. She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?"

Why would Steve want to embarrass himself even more? Everyone is already making fun of his nasty ass because he's a 27-year-old who looks like a retired used car salesman with bad halitosis and permanently chapped nipples. Does he really want us all to see his wrinkly nalgas and seasoned nutsack?

As for Danielle, she would have a sex tape. It's the next step in whorevolution. Stripper, hooker, gold digger and then pornstar!