Eva LongWHORIA

Remember when Nicollette Sheridan dropped a lawsuit in the lap of Marc Cherry, the creator of Desperate Housewives, claiming that he wrongfully terminated her ass? Nicollette then tried to paint Marc as a goat-footed, wheezy old queen (copyright: Alec Baldwin) by claiming that he once took her to the side to slap some respect into her mouth after she back talked him during a scene. Well, that lawsuit is far from over and Nicollette is still trying to make everyone believe that Marc is the cherry on top of a cunt sundae.

TMZ got a hold of new court documents where Nicollette says that at Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's wedding, Marc pursed his lips, hiked up his double-stuffed chest balls, and yanked the veil off of Eva's head with a cuntified comment.

In the declaration, Nicollette claims, "I was present at Eva Longoria's wedding to Tony Parker, when Mr. Cherry commented that 'Tony must like boys, because he is marrying this -- this little, small girl with no tits and -- that looks like a boy.'"

Really, Nicollette?! This is the desperate shit you're coming to the table with? This only makes me want to sit next to Marc Cherry's bitter bitch queen ass at a wedding. Every day is bitch day to Marc, even on the bride's day. Just think of all the comments he'd make about the maid of honor's dress while we both wrap pieces of cake in aluminum foil to take home and eat on our kitchen floor as we cry about being FOREVER ALONE!

This is some Equus shit right here. In Miami today, Eva Longoria got 50% naked and sprawled herself bareback-style on top of a bare horse while her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz and some polo players watched. This was for some magazine photo shoot, of course. Did Eva stop to think that maybe she should call horse translator Trace Cyrus and ask him to ask the poor creature if it wants her tits that close to its body? It would definitely answer: FUCK NEIGH! I mean, this just isn't right. If a horse sprawled itself on Eva's nekkid body without asking, it would be arrested, thrown in a prison barn, put on a sexual predators list..etc...etc.. But yet, when Eva does it, she gets away with it? Something in the world ain't right!

Besides, how many times have we seen some trick get naked on a horse? It's been done by Cindy Crawford, Madge, Angie Jolie, DanRad , Gis and many more. Do these bitches think that horse is short for WHORSE?! Those horsies don't want a hos bits all over their asses.

Eva really should've tried to be a little more original. Leave the poor horse alone and go for an animal who never gets any naked human body action. You know, an animal like the sloth:

And the sloth is smiling with its eyes! So much better, right? Put it on the cover and ship it out!

It's not common knowledge, but when Julia Child was out promoting Mastering the Art of French Cooking she tried to drum up sales by stuffing her body into a nipple baring tuxedo typically worn by a slutty baby to the funeral of a burlesque emcee. You know, it worked! Eva Longoria figured that if it worked for one of the most famous chefs in the world, it can work for her too! So she fixed herself up like a Blonde Ambition back-up singer and sat down with Letterman to talk about her new cookbook "Eva's Kitchen." And while doing so, we pretty much saw what's cooking in Eva's coochen and more. Eva practically served up labia empanadas and Spanish olive nipples. Just spilling her ingredients out all over the place!

My favorite FAVORITE favorite part is at the 3:20 mark when Letterman is talking about whatever and Eva glances at the monitor, tugs at her jacket and coos out: "OH MY GEE! My breasts must be happy to see you! OH ME OH MY! I wanna be loved by you! OOOH! Boob boob de doop!"

GIRL! The last time I checked Jayne Mansfield did not appoint you as her successor, so just stop! Don't act like you weren't rehearsing that all afternoon up in your hotel. 1...2...3...FLASH! 1...2..3....GIGGLE!

via HuffPo

I've made farts that have lasted longer than Eva Longoria's relationship with Penelope Cruz's brother Eduardo (yes, I'm getting that checked out), but that didn't keep him from inking her name into his flesh recently. I mean, Eva has been humping on that tall piece of carne asada for only 60 days! The paps got a picture of Eduardo's tribute to Eva while they two were in Miami together over the weekend.

That is some B.O. (before orgasm) shit. You know Eva was laying her shit down when she told Eduard to scream her name, and then she told him to INK her fucking name. The things you'll say to cum. I swear.

I hope Eva is getting her fill of good dick, because getting a tattoo of someone's name that early on is like the first dig into a relationships grave. Shit is not going to end well. Actually, it will probably end well, because Eduardo can turn that tattoo into so many things. Like a slightly disfigured Pac-Man who suffers from a chronic flatulence problem:

So much better than the first name of a Desperate Housewives cast member.

Here's pictures from the past couple of days of Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz standing near each other on a friend's yacht in Miami. This (and the picture of Eduardo's tongue bungee jumping into Eva's mouth) pretty much confirms that Eduardo is Eva's full-time rebound fuck partner. Not because their mouths have become one, but because ho is SANS FARDS.

I know Eve has been photographed without her make-up mask on before, but for some reason she's always reminded me of one of my sluttier friends (that is really saying a lot) who has always REFUSED to be seen in her natural state. This bitch goes to bed with a full face of make-up and prays to the saints that MAC comes out with a shower head attachment that squirts out bronzer. After most normal hos drunk barf in a parking lot outside of a club, they scream for a mint or another cocktail (or a mint julep to kill two birds, etc....), but my friend screams for her lipstick and a compact! A shame. Anyway, this ho told me that she knew shit with her boyfriend was the real thing when she let him give her a facial of love and she didn't even freak out about how she didn't bring her drag face case with her. I mean, he definitely saw her SANS FARDS after she washed her face in his bathroom and she didn't care. That's the real true test of love. So yeah, Eva and Eduardo are totally going to last.

And Eduardo sort of looks like what you'd see if you stared at Wilmer Valderrama with beer goggles on, so YAY for Eva.

Tony Parker is showing Eva Longoria that she's not the only ho who can file papers to legally quit a bitch. When Eva made a move to remove Tony's shifty peen from her life forever by filing for divorce in Los Angeles, there were rumors that she talked him out of filing in Texas. Tony said "no no no no no" to that shit, but look who just dropped his own highly important documents into the divorce box in Texas. Ken Paves better hold a splatter guard in front of his precious face, because shit is getting messy messy messy.

TMZ says that Tony probably filed in Bexar County, Texas, because it takes less time to finalize divorces over there. A CA divorce can drag on for centuries, but in Texas they squeeze their cheeks and cut that shit in about 60 days. In Eva's papers, she mentions that there's a prenup in place and that she wants spousal support from Tony, but his documents only state: "Petitioner believes Petitioner and Respondent will enter into an agreement for the division of their estate."

As for the reason why their marriage is throwing itself in front of a fast-moving train, Tony says in the documents: "The marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities between Petitioner and Respondent that destroys the legitimate ends of the marriage relationships and prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation."

Translation: They are both sick of Eva having to perform the "Smell Yo Dick" check every time Tony comes home.

You know, Tony has a face like a cartoon villain so I'm not surprised that he's pulling some sneaky moves. Seriously, Tony probably perked up his "I'll git you my pretty" eyebrow and stroked his imaginary curly moustache when he filed those papers in Texas. And it's just beginning! I swear, this is going to end with Eva and Tony hanging onto the giant chandelier in the foyer of their mansion. I can't wait!

Tony Parker, the newest inductee into Tiger Woods' Wandering Wang League, has issued a statement to People saying that contrary to what has passed over your eye balls Eva Longoria is not a scheming schemer who tricked him into not filing for divorce so she could do the honors.

"Eva and I have been discussing our situation privately. I was aware that she would be filing for divorce in Los Angeles. I did not file for divorce in Texas and did not hire divorce attorneys in either Texas or California. We plan to continue to keep our discussions of this matter private."

Since Tony puts it that way, how do I take back the slow clap I gave to Eva for pulling a brilliant stunt queen move? Ugh. Don't mind my ass, I'll be reverse clapping all night.

Eva Longoria only denied that Tony Parker filed for divorce in Texas on Tuesday because she wanted to be the one who publicly cut the cord on their marriage. A source tells Gossip Cop that Eva wanted to see the headline "Eva Longoria files for divorce from Tony Parker" in lights and not the other way around. So Eva played the part of an estranged wife who wants to work things out amicably to Tony's face but then turned around and stabbed him in the ass with divorce papers. Well. Played.

A different source tells TMZ that they've been planning to file for divorce ever since Eva found all those hornified text messages between Tony and his teammate's soon-to-be ex-wife Erin Barry. Apparently, Tony wanted to make the divorce go smoother by filing in Texas, but she talked him out of it. The source says that Eva wanted to file for divorce on the same day the "Tony is Blackberry boning some other trick" story from UsWeekly came out, because she's into "the whole PR thing." Eva's spokeswhore denies she tried to pull some shit over on Tony.

And about those text messages, another source (ALL THESE SOURCES) whispered in People's ear that Tony Porkme and Erin Barry never took their phone fucking relationship to the next level. Basically, he never put his baguette into her fondue pot. The source went on to explain, "They knew each other, sent each other messages. It was flirtatious, but he never did anything with her."

Eva is a former soap star who has worked with professional stunt queen Marc Cherry for years, so I really should have expected her to bring the dramatic theatrics. And here I was thinking that the day I gave Eva Longoria a slow clap would never come. Glad to see that she's finally scratching at her ESCANDALO gene. Keep scratching, Eva!

Just hours after Eva Longoria filed Tony Parker's pink slip and her request for a monthly check, she spilled her heart out to her non-gay (?) confidante Mario Lopez who just so happens to work on Extra.

As Mario Lopez did bicep curls in a three-way mirror while an avocado mask moisturized his nipples, Eva sat on a bench press seat next to him and told him that UsWeekly's story about how she found hundreds of horny text messages from Tony to a female friend was true. The rumor going around is that the "female friend" in question is Erin Barry, the wife of one of Tony's teammate. But back to Eva and Mario....

A little while later as Mario rubbed an oatmeal scrub on his culito lips while doing squats (he's a multi-tasker in case you didn't know already), Eva told him that Tony cheated on her earlier this year and still talks to the ho on Facebook. Mario went to give Eva a hug but he caught a glimpse of his beautiful self in the mirror and got distracted.

Mario summed it all up with these words: "Eva wants everyone to know, she's devastated by the rumors of Tony's infidelity. She loved her husband and is heartbroken about their split. But she's strong." And Mario went on to say, "But she's not as strong as my taint muscles. Seriously, have you seen my taint muscles?!"

TMZ reported yesterday that Eva Longoria and Tony Porkme took a machete to their cold dead marriage and filed for divorce. Then Eva's rep squatted on the rumor and pissed all over it. BUT NOW, People says Eva has filed for divorce for real this time. DAMN! Pick a hole and keep it in there! Seriously, when they asked her rep about this mess yesterday, they should've just said, "Ask me the same thing tomorrow."

After 3 years of marriage, Eva filed divorce papers in Los Angeles this morning. TMZ's sources say that Eva is all kinds of devastated. That might have something to do with UsWeekly's cover story that claims Eva closed her legs to Tony for good because she caught him sexting with one of their lady friends. Apparently, Eva found hundreds upon hundreds of text messages between Tony and his possible side-piece. The messages go back a year. The source went on to say, "Eva is heartbroken by the betrayal. Once the trust was lost, the marriage was over. Eva truly thought she was going to grow old with Tony and have children with him. She’s inconsolable."

So Eva is shocked that a professional athlete passed the peen and stuck it in banned pussy without a permission slip from his wife? Yeah, I guess Eva was absent the day the teacher gave a lecture about Elin Woods...Brett Favre...blah blah blah

And you know that "I'm trying to pull out a care, but I just can't" face you made yesterday when you read about their first divorce filing? Well, you can make that face again. You're getting good at it.