Award Shows

As Brad Pitt silently cried for help with his eyes, Angie Jo fed the whore pit vipers crawling under her skin (yeah, those aren't veins) by sucking the pieces of his good shit-soaked soul that are clinging to his insides for dear life. You know, I'm all for shamelessley Angie succubus-ing Brad in front of everyone, but while she was that close to him she should've used her fangs to chew most of his mop off. Not only would eating Brad's strands of grease give Angie some much needed nutrients, but then he wouldn't look like he's a Taco Party Pack and a Miley grope away from being Bradley Ray Cyrus. One would think that a dude would do whatever he can to keep Tish Cyrus from wanting to wet ride him until her cock eye busts into place.

And it warms my soul knowing that Angie's stylist kept their lips shut when they stood back, looked at this and thought to themselves: "This bitch literally looks like a bag of bones." Seriously, somewhere there's a trash can missing its bag and a pair of chopsticks who are feeling all sorts of inadequate while looking at Angie's arms. I bet that dress smells like cold death, dried tar and black licorice.

Here's more of St. Morticia, Brad, his true soulmate George Clooney and Stacy Keibler at the SAGs last night.

Rose Byrne will probably find herself leaning against the number one on everybody's Worst Dressed of the SAG Awards list, but that's only because some people just don't understand the power of an Ann Jillian bob paired with a disco onesie covered with clear aquarium rocks. Almost every woman at the SAGs last night looked like she fished her gown out of the same pile the desperate hos on The Bachelor get their dresses. Boring after boring after boring, but then Rose Byrne took me higher and made my nostrils twitch when she came out looking like Elvira Hancock from Scarface after getting twisted up in a roll of bubble wrap. I only wish that Rose would've turned up her "brown haired Elvira Hancock" look all the way by only agreeing to pose for pictures in a glass elevator. Seriously, nothing is better than watching Michelle Pfeiffer gracefully ride a glass elevator down ONE flight. Cokehead laziness never looked so glamorous.

Here's more of Rose as well as some of her Bridesmaids co-stars including Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig. "It needs a velvet choker" is a line I overused in the 90s when my friends would ask me how their outfit looked, but that ugly ass choker on Kristen looks like a leather daddy's version of a neckbrace.

One of the best part of any awards show (besides THE END) is watching the heads of celebrities nearly combust while trying not to roll their eyes over the stupid as shit questions the alien ant that is Giuliana Rancid asks them on the red carpet. "Do you know Brad and Angelina?" is a real question that jumped off of Giuliana's tongue into Meryl Streep's ear. If looks could go to Home Depot, Meryl's would've gone to the nearest one to buy some Borax to sprinkle all over Giuliana for wasting her time with that shit. The third best part of any awards show is when the winners go into the press room to pose with their trophies, because there's always some hot piece who kisses the tip and at last night's SAG Awards that hot piece was Jean Dujardin of The Artist.

Since I pretty much look at everything through peen-shaped glasses (like these), these pictures of Jean kissing the tip are making me pull out my dick clip art and bring out the "penisize" tool in Photoshop. And I have a feeling that Jennifer Aniston is going to do the same thing with the "beaniebabyize" tool, because Jean Dujardin sort of does look like a slightly gassy Justin Theroux.

Aaand here's a list of last night's winners:

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Supporting Role
Christopher Plummer, "Beginners"

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Supporting Role
Octavia Spencer, "The Help"

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Comedy Series
Betty White, "Hot In Cleveland"

Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Comedy Series
"Modern Family"

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Television Movie Or Miniseries
Kate Winslet, "Mildred Pierce"

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Television Movie Or Miniseries
Paul Giamatti, "Too Big to Fail"

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Drama Series
Jessica Lange, "American Horror Story"

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Drama Series
Steve Buscemi, "Boardwalk Empire"

Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series
"Boardwalk Empire" (Ed note: WHERE WAS SPAZ????!!!?)

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Leading Role
Jean Dujardin, "The Artist"

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Leading Role
Viola Davis, "The Help"

Outstanding Performance By A Cast In A Motion Picture
"The Help"

I cannot end this post without bringing up the grade school skit that Modern Family tried to pass off as an acceptance speech.

Somebody wrote that thing and all of them actually spent their time rehearsing it. Nothing says "We Got This And We Know It" like rehearsing an acceptance speech skit that the writers wrote for you. Presumptuous bitches, all of them!. I swear, it's a damn shame that the Australian Open t-shirt snatcher didn't bum rush all of them before stealing their trophies.

At the Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. last night, the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Helen Mirren, Berenice Bejo, Christine Lahti, Clare from 90210, Laura Dern, Missi Pyle, Shailene Woodley, Fred Savage, Hunter "What Happened To Your Face?" Tylo, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman all exploded into fine dust when they were photo bombed by an array of glamorously gorgeous scene stealers. For some reason, the organizers of that shit made the right decision by placing the red carpet in front of the cocktail area and the background became the main attraction. Those photo bombers lit that shit up without even trying.

How can Jennifer Aniston and Helen Mirren possibly compete with a "Nice try, but you ain't wearing a skunk tail boa!" side-eye and a Cheri O'Teri-like "Ewwww bitch, go home!" fart face. Aniston is the oatmeal to the photo bombers' cinnamon raisin. We're all pushing around the oatmeal to get to the real stars.

With all that being said, where the hell was Phoebe Price during all of this? The red carpet at an award show cannot be rolled out until the ginger wonder rolls in for seat filler orientation. Chicken Cutlets would've been the dollop of whipped cream by photo bombing the photo bombers.

Tilda Swinton, ROBBED! Uggie the Dog, ROBBED! Michael Fassbender's big dick, ROBBED! Almodovar, ROBBED! Emma Stone's thirsty, busted, five cent curly fries wig from The Help, ROBBED! The diarrhea pie from The Help, ROBBED! The Help for Best Movie That Should've Been On The Hallmark Channel Instead, ROBBED! That satin scorpion jacket Ryan Gosling wore all through Drive, ROBBED! The guy behind me who snored all through Tree of Life for Most Appropriate Soundtrack, ROBBED! The ROBBED list goes on and on and on....

Jennifer Lawrence, who I'm pretty sure was asleep during the whole thing, and some token old white dude presented the Oscar nominations this morning and most of them were to be expected (Streep, Clooney, Pitt, Williams, The Artist for pretty much everything) but there were a few HUHS? and surprises like Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Melissa McCarthy, The Help for Best Movie and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Oscar Baity for Best Movie. If Extremely Loud wins, the only person they need to thank is Marky Mark, because if he was on one of those 9/11 plans, their movie would've never existed!

AnytheyareallgoingtohellfornotnominatingTilda, the full nomination list is after the jump and even though there's a lot of gold-plated fuckery here, I love that the Oscar dude showed Madge and Elton John who the real bitch queen is by shutting both of them out. JUMP!

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).

Thank the heavens, FINALLY, something interesting happened. Somewhere between the fifty RUSSELL AND KATY SPLIT articles and watching paint dry, Michael K pulled a little gem out of his no-no that will make all of our black hearts smirk with satisfaction. Celebitchy reports that the World Bitch Slap Championship has been scheduled at the Golden Globe Awards, and the headliners are Angelina Jolie and Madonna. I usually avoid the celebs-slobbering-on-themselves awards shows like LeAnn Rhimes avoids a cheeseburger, but suddenly the GGs are sparking my interest.

This battle has been brewing for awhile. Back in 2006, when Madonna adopted her son David, Angie threw shade all over her ass in an interview where she said “Madonna knew the situation in Malawi, where (David) was born. It’s a country where there is no real legal framework for adoption. Personally, I prefer to stay on the right side of the law. I would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal.” Hahaha that Angie, always making jokes. Apparently Angie didn't like Madge muscling in on her save the children territory, and thought her copy-cat ass should stick to thrusting her memaw crotch in time to her music. Anyway, the bad blood has continued to flow between these two in a passive-aggressive death by a thousand cuts fest since then.

Interestingly, the two have never met, although Madonna's ex Guy Ritchie and Brad Pitt were really good friends and hung out every chance they got. So that brings us to the Golden Globes, where Madonna's W.E. has gotten nods for music and technical awards and Angelina's In the Land of Blood and Honey has a Best Foreign Film nomination. It will be the first time the two are nose job to cheek implant. God please, if you will seat them at adjoining tables, I will never smoke weed again!!! Okay, only on days ending in Y. I swear though, I will give it up permanently if MK drunk blogs and it goes a little something like this.

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning and it was just a clusterfuck of questions marks and puddles of cold crap with added drops of Gosling, Clooney and Brangelooney (sorry, I wanted that mess to rhyme together).

The Help got a bunch of nominations and I don't even know why. The only thing that mess should be nominated for is Achievement In Terrorizing My Ears By Using That Colbie Caillat Song In A Trailer That Played Every 2 Seconds On My TV. I had "Ooooooh, this is how it starts" trapped in my head space for months and hearing it made me want to sniff a sunflower while swinging on a tree swing. Shit is awful. My Week With Marilyn got nominated for Best Musical and ho sings like twice. Brangelina both got nominated, because not nominating them would go against the highest holy law. And George Clooney pretty much got nominated in every single category. The Golden Globes need to tear their tongue away from George's anus for five seconds so they can slap the shit out of themselves. George already has two drawers full of gold-plated butt dildos and he doesn't need another one.

All the nominations are after the jump. The only real good news to pinch my nipples to is that Jessica Lange, Madeline Stowe and Tilda Swinton all got nominations. They shouldn't even bother with handing out the awards. Just get everyone tanked and let Ricky Gervais make fun of them to their faces for three hours straight. Their awards will be waiting for them in the car along with a baseball signed by Derek Jeter. Yes, the winners will all get 7 minutes of herpes heaven with Jeter. JUMP!

Kanye West's CAPS LOCK key has scurried down into his MacBook Air fearing the rantpocolypse he will unleash over not being nominated for Album of the Year, but the 80s ho in me has grown a thinstache of happiness over El DeBarge finally getting the recognition he deserves! If it was up to only me, the Grammys next year would have a 1986 theme and every award would go to El, but I guess him getting one nomination this year is better than nothing. El DeBarge's mommy Prince (you cannot convince that Prince didn't butt birth El DeBarge under a cherry moon) must be so proud.

So, the Grammy nominations were announced last night during a completely pointless concert (see pictures from that mess blow including one of Lady CaCa as an electrocuted Taylor Momsen) and Kanye got the most with 7 (but no Album or Record of the Year) and Adele came in second with 6. You know, I don't even know why they're bothering with a Grammy ceremony. Just back up Adele's pick-up truck into the loading dock, toss every single trophy in there and shove a solid gold pacifier into Kanye's rant hole so he doesn't hijack the truck before she drives away. Really, it's the fucking Adeleys this year.

If you want to read all of the nominations, take the rest of the day and shoot meth directly into your eyeball veins, because it's going to take you at least 35 hours to get through all 500,000 categories. Here's just a few of them (HAHA at Taylor Swift).

Album Of The Year:
21— Adele
Wasting Light— Foo Fighters
Born This Way— Lady Gaga
Doo-Wops & Hooligans — Bruno Mars
Loud — Rihanna

Record Of The Year:
"Rolling In The Deep" — Adele
"Holocene" — Bon Iver
"Grenade" — Bruno Mars
"The Cave" — Mumford & Sons
"Firework" — Katy Perry

Best New Artist:
The Band Perry
Bon Iver
J. Cole
Nicki Minaj
Skrillex

Song Of The Year:
"All Of The Lights" — Jeff Bhasker, Malik Jones, Warren Trotter & Kanye West, songwriters (Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi & Fergie)
"The Cave" — Ted Dwane, Ben Lovett, Marcus Mumford & Country Winston, songwriters (Mumford & Sons)
"Grenade" — Brody Brown, Claude Kelly, Philip Lawrence, Ari Levine, Bruno Mars & Andrew Wyatt, songwriters (Bruno Mars)
"Holocene" — Justin Vernon, songwriter (Bon Iver)
"Rolling In The Deep" — Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth, songwriters (Adele)

Best Pop Solo Performance
"Someone Like You" — Adele
"Yoü And I" — Lady Gaga
"Grenade" — Bruno Mars
"Firework" — Katy Perry
"Fuckin' Perfect" — Pink

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance:
"Body And Soul" — Tony Bennett & Amy Winehouse
"Dearest" — The Black Keys
"Paradise" — Coldplay
"Pumped Up Kicks" — Foster The People
"Moves Like Jagger" — Maroon 5 & Christina Aguilera

Best Dance Recording:
"Raise Your Weapon" — Deadmau5 & Greta Svabo Bech
"Barbra Streisand" — Duck Sauce
"Sunshine" — David Guetta & Avicii
"Call Your Girlfriend" — Robyn
"Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites" — Skrillex
"Save The World" — Swedish House Mafia

Best Rock Performance:
"Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall" — Coldplay
"Down By The Water" — The Decemberists
"Walk" — Foo Fighters
"The Cave" — Mumford & Sons
"Lotus Flower" — Radiohead

Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance:
"On The Backs Of Angels" — Dream Theater
"White Limo" — Foo Fighters
"Curl Of The Burl"— Mastodon
"Public Enemy No. 1" — Megadeth
"Blood In My Eyes"— Sum 41

Best Rock Album:
Rock 'N' Roll Party Honoring Les Paul— Jeff Beck
Wasting Light— Foo Fighters
Come Around Sundown— Kings Of Leon
I'm With You— Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Whole Love— Wilco

Best Alternative Music Album:
Bon Iver— Bon Iver
Codes And Keys— Death Cab For Cutie
Torches— Foster The People
Circuital — My Morning Jacket
The King Of Limbs— Radiohead

Best Traditional R&B Performance:
"Sometimes I Cry" — Eric Benét
"Fool For You" — Cee Lo Green & Melanie Fiona
"Radio Message" — R. Kelly
"Good Man" — Raphael Saadiq
"Surrender" — Betty Wright & The Roots

Best R&B Album:
F.A.M.E.— Chris Brown
Second Chance — El DeBarge
Love Letter — R. Kelly
Pieces Of Me— Ledisi
Kelly— Kelly Price

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration:
"Party" — Beyoncé & André 3000
"I'm On One" — DJ Khaled, Drake, Rick Ross & Lil Wayne
"I Need A Doctor" — Dr. Dre, Eminem & Skylar Grey
"What's My Name?" — Rihanna & Drake
"Motivation" — Kelly Rowland & Lil Wayne
"All Of The Lights" — Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi & Fergie

Best Rap Performance:
"Look At Me Now" — Chris Brown, Lil Wayne & Busta Rhymes
"Otis" — Jay-Z & Kanye West
"The Show Goes On" — Lupe Fiasco
"Moment 4 Life" — Nicki Minaj & Drake
"Black And Yellow" — Wiz Khalifa

Best Country Solo Performance:
"Dirt Road Anthem" — Jason Aldean
"I'm Gonna Love You Through It" — Martina McBride
"Honey Bee" — Blake Shelton
"Mean" — Taylor Swift
"Mama's Song" — Carrie Underwood

Best Country Song:
"Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not" — Jim Collins & David Lee Murphy, songwriters (Thompson Square)
"God Gave Me You" — Dave Barnes, songwriter (Blake Shelton)
"Just Fishin'" — Casey Beathard, Monty Criswell & Ed Hill, songwriters (Trace Adkins)
"Mean" — Taylor Swift, songwriter (Taylor Swift)
"Threaten Me With Heaven" — Vince Gill, Amy Grant, Will Owsley & Dillon O'Brian, songwriters (Vince Gill)
"You And Tequila" — Matraca Berg & Deana Carter, songwriters (Kenny Chesney Featuring Grace Potter)

Best Comedy Album:
Alpocalypse — Weird Al" Yankovic
Finest Hour — Patton Oswalt
Hilarious — Louis C.K.
Kathy Griffin: 50 & Not Pregnant — Kathy Griffin
Turtleneck & Chain — The Lonely Island

Everything Justin Bieber learned about the 1920s he learned from watching a very special 1920s episode of Sesame Street that his mommy Usher showed him in the playroom before a concert, so knowing that I'd say he pretty much nailed the Boardwalk Playpen drag he and his lipstick lesbian girlfriend Selena Gomez wore to the AMAs last night. I've always wanted to know what it would look like if Jodie Foster played the title role in Bugsy Malone instead of Scott Baio, so I thank The Lesbeaver for giving me the answer.

Justin deciding to wear the oversized tuxedo he wears while playing parking valet during tricycle time at his kindergarten was just a good move. But I do have one note....

Why didn't somebody give him a candy cigar to puff on?! Think of what could've been...

Oh well. I'm sure the missing candy cigar still won't stop Nickelodeon from greenlighting Justin/Justina starring The Lesbeaver.

Meanwhile, somebody give THIS fuck-flipping photobomber every award available.