Award Shows

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, "Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?" And that's because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids' favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I'm sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here's some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell's favorite couple, Hell's second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber's former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

If Mushu from Mulan shoved two stress balls in his cheeks, dipped himself in melted wax,taped two rubber tarantulas onto his eyelids, glued white Chiclets over his teeth, squeezed himself into a clearance rack gown from Windsor Fashions and put on a polyester wig that weighs more than him, he'd look exactly like Snooki at last night's MTV Movie Awards.

Snooki says that she lost a whole lot of chunk, but it looks more like all of her body fat went straight up to her head and weave. Bitch looks like a bobblehead doll of Miss Midget South America 1989 (please tell me such a pageant exists). Ho is giving us some "Oompa Loompa in Kardashian drag" glamour.

And here's a few other tricks and tramps from last night's show. In order: Snooki, a rubber Thundercats action figure in a dress, Eddie Redmayne, the last place loser in a Steve Nicks look-alike contest sponsored by Hot Topic, Macklemore with Ryan Lewis, RUUUUU!, Selena Gomez (wearing one of Charo's old costumes), Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Kerry Washington and a bloated and constipated alien.

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart's hands are covered in slime, it's because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer's butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green's slime got some THC in it.

Here's a few more pictures from yesterday's KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop's colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:

"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"

Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.

The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:

Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War

And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.

It's nice to see that the Grammys still aren't about recognizing the best talent in music (see: Carly Rae Jepsen's nomination) and still all about what's really important: TITTY BALLS! While giving us her best Priscilla Presley circa 1969 cosplay, Katy Perry also gave us chichis for days and Ellen Degeneres just couldn't help getting all up in there with her eyeballs as a butchified Portia de Rossi laughed next to her. If you stare at that picture long enough, you can almost see Ellen's eyeballs pop out of their sockets like a cartoon cat. Ellen is either motorboating with her eyes or she can't believe that certified douche bag John Mayer, who was wearing one of Willy Wonka's old suits, gets suffocate himself in Katy Perry's magnificent chichis every single night.

And yeah, when Ellen Degeneres humps Katy's titties with her eyes, everybody laughs and calls her a comedic genius. But if a straight dude did it, he'd get a punch to the eye and a restraining order. So if you see Gerard Butler and Mel Gibson trolling around with a tiny blond wig on their heads, a fitted blazer on their bodies and a Home Depot card stuck in their pockets, you know what they're up to.

Since JLo was told to not show any pastry puff labia, side tit and/or ass cleavage, she copy+pasted Angie Joli's fame whore leg move and came out to the Grammys tonight wearing a dress that was cut up all the way to the place where Casper Smart refuses to go unless she waves a $100 bill in front of it. This will show those prude bitches with tightened assholes in CBS' Standards and Practices Department. They can ban as many body parts as they want, but JLo will still find the one body part they didn't ban and whore the hell out of that body part, because she's that desperate for camera clicks.

It's a good thing that CBS didn't try to ban "fame whoring legs," because if they did JLo would've had to get attention by spreading her ass cheeks and flashing her bleached culito lips. CBS didn't say anything about bleached culito lips.

Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.

Helen told People that she decided to work the Strawberry Shortcake's memaw look when saw Sophie do it on America's Next Top Model:

“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”

SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.

And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.

The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.

I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.

On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.

Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.

During Jennifer Lawrence's acceptance speech for Best Actress at the SAG Awards last night, she thanked MTV for giving her the job that got her a SAG card when she was 14. Entertainment Weekly posted Jennifer Lawrence's commercials for My Super Sweet 16 and it made me remember the good old days when MTV used to show important documentaries about teenage pieces of diamond-encrusted spoiled trash who threatened to shank their dad in the neck if he didn't buy them a Hummer or get some local rapper to perform at their 16th birthday party. I sometimes wonder what happened to those spoiled ass brats. MTV should do another follow-up, because I really need to know if the parents eventually went broke from spoiling their asshole child and had to move into the Hummer.

And only press play on that video if you're okay with that "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday" song getting stuck deep inside a crevice in your brain. Once it gets in, it will never leave you.

Right before Jennifer Lawrence gave a shout out to My Super Sweet 16, she made her way to the stage and wrestled with her dress as the bottom part got mad at the top part and tried to quit that ho:

The Daily Mail says that Jennifer's dress ripped, but it didn't rip. The bottom part detached from the top part. The Dior people designed it that way. Because of Jennifer's detachable dress, she gets best dressed of the night from me. I mean, wearing a detachable dress allows you to do ALL of the following:

1. Easily squat over a toilet in the bathroom. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling your dress up to piss. Just detach, squat and go.

2. Easily have a quickie in the car while driving to the event. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling up your dress to bone. Just detach, open your legs and get it.

3. Easily bust out a dramatic quick change moment while sashaying to the dance floor. Give the party goers some theater by dramatically ripping off the bottom of your dress as you walk to the dance floor. I once went to a wedding where during the first dance, the groom detached the bottom part of his bride's ball gown to reveal the sequined miniskirt she had on underneath. It was the moment of the wedding and you know I gave it three snaps and a standing ovation.

The detachable dress is a two-in-one work of elegance and it is always the look.

The memories of my childhood exploded into a million glittery pieces when I saw these pictures of Quvenzhané Wallis, the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild, carrying a purse that I totally thought was made from the corpse of POOCHIE! Poochie was this really hot and totally gay toy from the 80s and if you still don't know what I'm talking about, watch this educational video.

I know, Quvenzhané's purse looks more like Poochie's older cousin who smokes clove cigarettes and thinks she's hot high-class shit, because she took French for a semester in high school and once made out with an older exchange student from Belgium. But that purse still reminded me of Poochie, so Quvenzhané deserves ALL the awards for that.

Anyway, the Producers Guild Awards happened in L.A. last night and Argo won Outstanding Producer of a Feature Film, Wreck-It-Ralph won Outstanding Producer of Animated Feature, Homeland won Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television Drama, Modern Family won Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television Comedy and Searching For Sugar Man won Outstanding Producer of Documentary Feature. The Producers Guild Awards don't give out awards to actors since it's only for producers, DUH, but Anne Hathaway still stormed the stage, grabbed a trophy and thanked them for breaking the rules by giving her an award for Outstanding Producer of RAW EMOTION in a feature film.

Here's some pictures from last night's PGAs. In order: Quvenzhané with Poochie's older cousin, Ben Affleck (wearing a special note from Matt Damon on his hand), Jessica Alba, Matt Boner, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Amazon Kidman with Naomi Watts, Julianne Marguiles, Eddie Redmayne, Amanda Seyfried, Julia Stiles (looking like a middle-aged soccer mom going out for a "wild" girls night with the other soccer moms) and Charming Potato.